A/n: Hello. This is another one-shot, this time assuming when Sabina came back at the end of Snakehead (which, as many people know, I hated as an ending) she'd arrived to confess to Alex how she's feeling.
This snippet of life takes place a few years into the future. Alex and Sabina are living in America, married with a small child. It aims to look into how they'd both been feeling about one another and the lives they might have had if they were apart, rather than together. I hope that makes sense :)
Thanks for reading and maybe leave me a review?
Iain
Alex could remember the look in Sabina's eyes. They'd shown such compassion and honesty… He wondered why she never seemed to stare at him that way now.
Alex stepped aside to show Sabina she could come in as she stood on his doorstep, looking stunning in the half light of Chelsea's night.
He was fourteen and couldn't believe he'd become so smitten with another at such a young age. He'd never really been a supporter of young love, but he'd come to respect it since he'd met Sabina.
She strode her way past him, standing tall and dumping her typically large handbag while she removed her shoes.
"W-what are you doing here?" Alex tried to ask as politely as possible, however knew that a question like that could only be taken one way.
She shrugged. "Jack invited me." She said, simply, continuing to gaze at him in a sort of reserved fashion.
"Wow." He laughed. "How long has it been? You've only been away for a few months, but it feels like forever."
She nodded, turning her head slightly. "Yeah… I know." She sighed.
"How's America?" Alex asked, quickly, a million questions on the tip of his tongue.
Sabina shook her head. "That's not why I came."
Alex understood. He extended an arm, directing her towards the kitchen. "Do you want a drink of anything? I'd guess the flight was quite tiring, are you staying here? Does Jack know you've arrived?" He knew he'd probably look overly eager, but how could he look away from the face he'd been wanting to see through the past months. They'd been hard on him, and Sabina had instantly taken it all away by just being here.
She gave a small smile. "No, Alex, I'm fine. I think she knows I'm in the country, but I've not seen her, so I'd say she still thinks I'm on my way over."
He nodded, leading her through, instead, to the lounge. She sat herself down without prompt, relaxing into the three-seater and crossing her legs.
"I came…" She seemed to be looking at him harder than she'd ever done before. "I came because I wanted to talk to you. I think there's some things we need to discuss."
Alex nodded, however was slightly unclear of what could be so important she'd have to take a twelve hour flight to come visit him. He took the recliner, fiddling with his thumbs in his lap. He didn't let his gaze leave hers. She looked so vulnerable.
"Alex; I don't know…" She began, leaning towards him over the sofa arm. "I've missed you so much… and – and I guess I came here to tell you that. The time I've spent in America has been so difficult. My familly's had so much to deal with, and I've had to carry on, to mingle with the Californian kids and pretend I was normal… and that was so awkward without you there. I needed you by my side as I got used to the new place, and the new people, to help my mum sort out the new house and my dad acclimatise with his new job… but you weren't there. It was all so new, and I couldn't deal with it… because I couldn't just hold you and hear you reassure me." Alex listened to Sabina's confessions in complete silence, feeling his body build itself up again as she explained her still active feelings towards him. He'd been dying for her to express herself like this since he'd first met her. The girl he adored felt for him. And she was willing to tell him without commitment. "And… I know," She continued, focussing and unfocussing on her fingers at her knees, looking up at him for brief moments. He never let his eyes leave her. "I know we live…" She smiled. "Five and a half thousand miles away from one another… but I think… I think I might be in love with you, and I want to wait. To wait until we're both mature enough to make a go of it." Taking a deep breath, she sat up, staring at him. "You have no idea how any times I redrafted that. I was thinking about it all the way here. I'm so glad I've said it."
Alex nodded, whistling from the shock. He shifted in his seat.
Sabina held up a hand. "I have some conditions, though." His ears pricked up, a sneaking suspicion present that he knew what was coming. "I don't want either of us to throw away the educational opportunities we've got. You need to stay at Brookland, and do your exams and make sure you've got enough qualifications to get somewhere in life. You're an incredible boy, Alex, and you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Don't throw away your future because of me." She sighed. "And the other proviso…" She averted his gaze again. "I want you to… leave MI6. I can't live with thinking you could be killed at any minute just because some guys in suits can't do a job that they'd rather send you in for. They're dangerous people who couldn't care less about you as a person. Whatever happens, I need you to stick by Jack. Whatever they throw at her, help her and make sure she's ok. Then…" She sighed, smiling at him. "I think we can be together." There was a pause, and Alex didn't feel the need to fill it. Instead, he used his stare to urge her into carrying on. "Is-is that what you want? I'll feel like a total idiot if I've just told you all that, and you're not interested." She gave a small smile to accompany her joke, however, her eyes were sad and the grin was soon gone.
Alex knew he could never want anyone else. He shifted from his seat to take the open space next to her, where he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Sabina took the opportunity to lean into his embrace. He felt her shoulders shake and her silent tears began to fall. Alex thought through what he wanted to say, and found there was too much. He chose to tell her the minimum amount, knowing that, if this idea really kicked off, he'd have his whole life to confess his love for her. "I'll wait." He told her, simply, tightening his grip around her trembling body.
As he heard her sobbing getting louder, he tried to soothe her with his touch. "I've missed you…" She said, a happy tinge to her voice.
Right here, in the present, sat at his desk, like on any other normal day, Alex wished he could still feel the same way towards Sabina.
He knew how much they'd survived together, and he'd lived through the difficult times with her right by his side. He did love her, but sometimes, it wasn't enough.
MI6 hadn't reacted well to his official resignation, throwing mad accusations of transfers to Scorpia and the CIA at him. He did his best to let them know, as truthfully as possible, why he couldn't bear to 'work' for them any longer, but left out Sabina's involvement in his decision. He knew they'd probably find it out sooner or later, but with the already promised attacks on Jack's visa, he wanted Sabina out of the picture until the heat died down. Once the agency had, sort of, anyway, accepted his terms, that of his silence for the safety of Jack's English visa, he'd been able to finally calm down. Alex had not, in a million years, expected them to take his leave so swiftly. Instead, he'd become his normal teenaged self again, receiving only the occasional phone call from Mrs. Jones to check how he was doing. It had taken a few years for Jack's visa problem to catch up with her. Alex had just turned eighteen when Jack had opened a letter saying she was to apply for another visa, otherwise she'd have to leave the country until she could, legally, acquire one. MI6, being bitter, had made it difficult, and almost impossible, for her to become accepted as a British citizen, but, after months and months of attorney arguments and long court visits, Jack managed to convince the authorities of her innocent intentions. Alex couldn't really remember much of that time in his life. He'd been struggling through his A Levels, visiting Sabina in California as often as possible, and trying to keep sane, at the same time, finding any one of them hard on its own.
He dreaded to think how much he'd spent in airplane tickets over the years. It'd been a half relief to move over at just gone nineteen. On the one hand, he'd lost his closest and longest standing friend, along with his only remaining parent; Jack. With Alex no more needing her guidance, she's emigrated back to live with her parents. They'd been incredibly glad to take her, Alex had been told, however, she missed England. Like him.
It'd been almost six years since Alex had emigrated, bringing with him everything he owned, and starting a new life with Sabina. He'd attended university for a few years, but hadn't liked the atmosphere. Instead, he'd graduated a little earlier than everyone else on his course, and had taken up a full time job working in an office, using his skills in espionage and mystery solving to catch up with non-insurance paying American's.
Sabina had finished her college course in primary school teaching at twenty-one, and soon after Alex had followed his heart, something he'd never regretted, and asked her marry him. She agreed.
The early days of the marriage were bliss for Alex. They knew how much they'd cared for one another, it was just a case of making it official. The ceremony wasn't huge, just a few close friends from Sabina's past, her parents and family, along with Jack, her parents, and Tom, who Alex could not forget. He'd brought his girlfriend of a few years along, and Sabina had grown to like her quite easily. Things seemed to go smoothly.
Alex loved his wife dearly, and one of his proudest moments had been watching her give birth to their son, Iain. Sabina had fallen pregnant unknowingly, discovering this whilst away on a course in improving child protection in schools, and had rung Alex instantly to tell him the joyous news. They'd both been shocked, but still happy that they could parent a child in the ideal environment.
However, a scan taken midway through the pregnancy showed that the baby was displaying signs of mental disability, and it was later found to be downs syndrome. Alex had held his wife tight as she'd cried sympathetic tears for their poor unborn baby's condition. In only took her a few seconds to make the decision to carry on with the pregnancy, adamant that the disability would not cause their baby to lose its life.
Presently, Iain was a ripe and healthy eleven months old. Sabina was planning a small birthday party for him in the next month, to which she'd invited her parents, grandparents, Jack and her partner and Tom and his girlfriend, Tara. Alex wasn't sure if Tom would make it, though, what with him being such a long while away.
"Alex?" Alex's boss's voice broke into his thoughts, forcing him to focus and leave the past where it should be.
"Yeah?" Alex gave a blank look towards the door of his cabin, one of a hundred on the same floor. He hated the anonymity of it all. He was just a number to the company, nothing more.
"Sorry, to bother you, but would ya mind chasing up the Barker family case? They were meant to be contacting me today, but they've made no attempt so far. I only want you to enquire as to when they're going to call. I know it's not your usual work, but could you do me the favour? I'd usually ask Heather, but she's busy with some figures on the computer." His boss sounded anything but apologetic, and Alex wished he could tell him to go to hell. He'd never really liked the man.
"Sure, I'll get straight onto it." Alex smiled.
He'd been working at the insurance company for around four years, and had hated it since his second day. The business never changed. Back in the day, he'd been helping the British secret service, working to solve the crisis quickly so that the Big Apples in the agency could sort out the leftovers. It was practically the same here. Some scrupulous American would be caught driving with no insurance and Alex would be called in to settle an agreement revolving around money. Which ever way you looked it, he was still cleaning up someone else's mess. He was bored of the same day, over and over again.
He missed the adventures of MI6. They made his life more than it was. As much as being normal was a welcome break, he'd always had fun, even it be a sadistic kind, when he'd been on missions, saving lives and destroying others. He definitely did not blame Sabina for her concern. He'd known, even back then, that that work had been incredibly dangerous. He wouldn't be able to do it nowadays. He wasn't as fit and energetic as he used to be. Aside from that, he couldn't leave Sabina, or Iain. His family, as small yet disarrayed as it was, were his life. Without them he'd have nothing. Alex could barely think of them having to live without him. He did not want Iain to grow up without a father; Alex knew it'd never done him much good.
He just wanted, maybe, one more chance. One more mission to last him his lifetime. Alex could feel himself getting further and further into depression with each coming day. He needed some excitement.
It wasn't that Sabina was a problem in his life. Although Alex was finding that they were arguing more, generally about insignificant little things, he knew how he felt. Alex loved his wife, he just wished her opinions and aspirations were different.
"Alright, darling?" Sabina couldn't help but smile at little Iain as he sat in his high chair, playing innocently with his food.
He had his father's smile. Complete with tiny dimples. His spiky, brown hair swayed as he laughed.
She strained to remember, now, they day she'd gone back for Alex. She'd been sixteen, and missing her best friend.
Sabina hadn't been at all surprised to be greeted by the English rain as her plane touched down in Heathrow airport.
The journey had been incredibly long, especially as she'd been alone. All she'd really had to occupy herself was her mind. She'd been thinking, maybe even over-thinking, the whole way here.
She was relatively sure that Alex didn't know she was about to turn up on his doorstep. She counted him lucky, uncertain of whether she wanted him to know, or if she'd rather just arrive unannounced. Jack had contacted her little over a month ago, asking whether she wanted to surprise Alex. Apparently he'd been having a hard time, 'working' and trying to cope with school, and Jack thought he needed something to look forward to, even though he wouldn't consciously realise it.
She hailed a cab, holding out her arm; already dripping. Nothing pulled over for a while, so she stepped gradually down the pavement, still trying to attract someone's attention.
Eventually, a cabbie offered her the lift. She got in gladly, taking down her hood and reading him Alex's address from a piece of paper she'd had in her pocket.
Great, she thought, more time to think.
She knew she felt for Alex. She only to think back to the time she'd been in America to know she'd missed him terribly, always wishing he could be there to put an arm around her, and tell her everything was going to be ok. He couldn't though, because he was so far away.
She'd decided to use this visit to tell Alex how she felt. That she thought she loved him. He'd been the first boy to ever really touch her heart. Many had tried, and a few had had her thinking she was in deep. But she knew, from how she had been feeling the past few months, that Alex was the first to actually succeed.
The drive from the airport to Alex's house was shorter than she'd expected. Soon, much too soon, she was faced his front door. The weather was still livid. It took her longer than it should have done to strike up the courage and knock on the door.
He answered in slacks. His toned and bruised body covered from neck to feet with casual wear. Sabina fought the urge to sigh; he looked gorgeous.
His shocked face stared at her, incredulous. "H-hi." He stuttered, taking his time to move aside. She stepped under the cover of the front door, in from the rain.
Taking off her sodden shoes and placing her bag on the floor, she stood rigid, nervous to hell.
"What are you doing here?" Alex's voice was close to shaking, but he'd managed to save it. Sabina couldn't help but read a double meaning into his question. Did he want to see her? Did he have another girlfriend? Has she come all this way for nothing?
Sabina shrugged off her fears, showing only retention. "Jack invited me." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth. She'd been asked to cheer Alex up, hence she'd come, but there was more to her visit than Jack realised.
"Wow." Alex laughed, and Sabina wondered what exactly was going through his head. "How long has it been? You've only been away for a few months, but it feels like forever."
She felt guilty. It was her fault that he'd fallen for someone who lived on the other side of the world. "Yeah… I know." Exhaling, she tried to shake off the blame, but she couldn't.
Alex's voice broke the silence, lasting only a few brief moments. "How's America?"
Did he really care that much? "That's not why I came." She informed him. It's awful, she told herself, but didn't voice her opinion.
He appeared to understand, showing her through into the sitting room. "Do you want a drink of anything? I'd guess the flight was quite tiring, are you staying here? Does Jack know you've arrived?" Sabina thought she could sense a certain happiness at her arrival. He was glad to see her. That definitely made her feel slightly better.
She smiled, but she knew she'd look exhausted. "No, Alex, I'm fine. I think she knows I'm in the country, but I've not seen her, so I'd say she still thinks I'm on my way over."
Alex face didn't change. Instead he entered the lounge before her. She took no time to get settled, crossing her legs and leaning back into a large and comfortable sofa.
"I came…"Sabina knew this would be the hardest part. The admissions. "I came because I wanted to talk to you. I think there's some things we need to discuss."
Alex nodded as if he wasn't sure what she was talking about. He also looked incredibly uneasy, playing with his fingers as he sat down.
"Alex; I don't know…" Sabina dove straight in, but soon, she found that the words were just flowing. She couldn't help herself. "I've missed you so much… and – and I guess I came here to tell you that. The time I've spent in America has been so difficult. My familly's had so much to deal with, and I've had to carry on, to mingle with the Californian kids and pretend I was normal… and that was so awkward without you there. I needed you by my side as I got used to the new place, and the new people, to help my mum sort out the new house and my dad acclimatise with his new job… but you weren't there. It was all so new, and I couldn't deal with it… because I couldn't just hold you and hear you reassure me. And… I know – I know we live…" She smiled. "Five and a half thousand miles away from one another… but I think… I think I might be in love with you, and I want to wait. To wait until we're both mature enough to make a go of it." Sabina tried her best to look up, straight into Alex eyes, trained onto her. She smiled. "You have no idea how any times I redrafted that. I was thinking about it all the way here. I'm so glad I've said it."
He began to fidget, giving a low whistle. She had no idea what that meant.
Sabina held up a hand. "I have some conditions, though." This was the part she'd thought least about. What if he denied her terms? "I don't want either of us to throw away the educational opportunities we've got. You need to stay at Brookland, and do your exams and make sure you've got enough qualifications to get somewhere in life. You're an incredible boy, Alex," More incredible than you even realise, she thought, barely pausing to clear her mind. "And you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Don't throw away your future because of me." She sighed. "And the other proviso…" Sabina couldn't even look at him. Would he agree to this? "I want you to… leave MI6. I can't live with thinking you could be killed at any minute just because some guys in suits can't do a job that they'd rather send you in for. They're dangerous people who couldn't care less about you as a person." She shivered at the thought. "Whatever happens, I need you to stick by Jack. Whatever they throw at her, help her and make sure she's ok. Then…" Finally, she let herself smile. The blank and stony expression he'd kept upon his face the whole way through her speech, she couldn't help but assume the worst. "I think we can be together." She tried to slow down her speaking, wanting to let him voice his own opinions, but he didn't seem to want to add to the conversation. She carried on. "Is-is that what you want? I'll feel like a total idiot if I've just told you all that, and you're not interested." Sabina knew she'd be devastated if he rejected her, but also felt better for saying what she'd said. She smiled.
Alex said nothing for a few moments, before he stood up from his seat across the room, and took the one next to her. Sabina sensed his arm around her shoulders. She felt instantly glad for the touch, knowing she'd not made a complete fool of herself. "I'll wait." Was his only reply to her confession, but it was enough. She snuggled into his chest, finally giving into her exhaustion and letting the first tear fall.
Her cries increased in volume and she knew they'd soon be out of hand. She didn't want to stop, though. She wanted to stay like this forever, in the arms of the boy she loved, with no worries. A fresh start. "I've missed you." She told him, stretching her own arm across his body. No one could hurt her here.
With this memory fresh in her mind, Sabina ventured over to the sink and started the quest that was the washing up. She'd been at home, off work, for nearly eighteen months, and she'd still be here until Iain turned two and a half years old.
The primary school she'd been working for understood that, with the nature of the disability Iain had, he couldn't be nannied until he was totally comfortable at home. The midwife had told her that her constant attention wasn't absolutely necessary, although Sabina had decided she wanted Iain to have the best start in life. Sabina thought it might take some time, but she was sure she could take care of her son until then. She was looking forward to going back to work, she just didn't want to leave him.
Sabina wished that Alex saw more of their son. He always seemed to be working these days. She agreed that they needed the money; her maternity pay wasn't brilliant, but she barely spoke to him herself, let alone poor Iain.
The sun was shining brightly in through the window opposite her. Maybe she could take Iain outside today.
A small set of picture frames sat on the window sill, staring at her. Next to the larger photograph of her and Alex on their wedding day was a more modest picture. It showed her on her last day of university. She was smiling, holding up her results. Beside her stood her very best friend from that part of her life, Justin.
She'd had very strong feelings for Justin, and they'd been reciprocated. He'd always wanted more, but Sabina fought it off, knowing she was promised to Alex. Instead they'd made the best of a friendship. She could distinctly remember one night; they'd been sat in the communal kitchen of their six bedroom flat. After talking for over two hours, and well into the night, Sabina had felt the need to give in to her carefully constructed wall and concede a long and intimate kiss. The compassion and anticipated love she'd felt for Justin, in that moment, was something she just couldn't ignore. She'd explained to him why they couldn't be together, but still he was adamant they could try. After that, she'd taken to keeping their relationship strictly friendly. He'd not been happy.
Sabina still kept in touch with her friend. Currently, he was engaged to be married with twin girls on the way any day now. His fiancé was a very nice girl, but Sabina had always felt slightly envious of her. They were both incredibly happy, a state of mind in wish Sabina felt lax.
One the one hand, she was content in her and Alex's relationship; they had the perfect child together, a healthy sex life and a substantial income in order to pursue a nourishing life as a family. However, her still active feelings for Justin were still something she knew she would never be over. It perplexed her as to what her situation would be, right this very second, if, all those few years ago, she'd given in to her heart and stayed with him. Would she be the same? Wondering what her life would be like if she'd have kept her promise to Alex? Would she have children?
Would she be happy?
She knew that she would never, never know. But it was only in these certain times in life - when she couldn't decide how she felt - that she cared. She wanted to know, but couldn't think of a way she ever would.
Her train of thought was broken abruptly but a high squeal, resonating from Iain's small lungs, as she dropped a large plate to the floor. It shattered, and Iain laughed.
Back to reality, she thought. Sabina brushed away the smashed glass and continued with the washing up, in the house she shared with her husband and child. Doing exactly what she thought she should be doing.