Haunted
Disclaimer: It's Maki Murakami's sandbox; I just play in it. I don't own the rights to these characters and I don't make any money from them.
Rating/Warnings: Rated M for adult concepts and sexual references.
Summary: Eiri remembers Yuki Kitazawa.
Word Count: 388 excluding introduction and author's note.
Theme: #4, our distance and that person.
Written for LiveJournal's 30_kisses community.
I killed you.
Sometimes I wish I'd died instead.
***
When did I start to fall in love with you? It's hard to tell. I've worked so hard to forget all of this that it's almost impossible to remember now.
I remember being confused. I never thought of myself as gay. I'd fooled around with girls and liked it.
I remember not being able to withstand being near you. My skin felt electrically charged. Standing close to you started a reaction that would make my entire body throb. I wanted you to hold me, engulf me, and take me, even though I had no idea what that meant.
Did you feel these things too? You must have sensed my feelings. I'd jump if you brushed too close to me. We'd stare at each other. Finally one day you leaned over and kissed me. That ended pretending to be just a tutor and his star pupil.
***
You led me on, you bastard. You made me feel like I finally mattered to someone, like the world was a better place because I was in it.
You told me we'd be together. That this was the night, the time. I wanted it. I wanted you. I wanted you inside me.
We kissed. We touched. It felt so good…and then I felt someone else's hands touch me, someone else's lips kiss me, someone else taking me away from you. And you ilet/i them. You crawled away in a corner and curled up in a ball, but I saw you watching us. Watching them. Watching me.
Did you get off on it, you bastard?
Killing you was revenge, pure and simple. I got off on killing you.
What were those promises we made? I've already kept one. Are you still waiting for me? Do you still want me?
I still want you. I want to lose myself in you. I want to do all the things we'd planned on doing. I know it's wrong and sick but I can't help myself.
You've tainted me for life. Dirtied me. Defiled me.
In turn I've tainted an innocent soul. But who ever is wholly innocent? He chose me. I didn't choose him.
I don't care anymore. I'll take what I can from life. Let's be tainted, dirty and defiled together.
All three of us.
This story is dedicated to Xenophyle (aka littlenin and Liz) and was inspired by these lines from U2's Until the End of the World:
In my dream, I was drowning in sorrows
When my sorrows, they learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me, spilling over the brim
In waves of regret, in waves of joy
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy
You, you said you'd wait until the end of the world.
© 1991 by U2. All rights reserved.