Being out in space made holding a funeral service very difficult. It has almost been a year since the best first officer in the fleet sacrificed his life to save everyone on the Enterprise. We decided soon after Spock's death to hold it on Vulcan so that his parents could attend. After all of this time has elapsed, I guess it should be considered a memorial service.
"Come," I say when I hear my door chime.
McCoy walks in and leans casually against the wall beside me.
"How's it goin', Jim?"
"Awful. I don't know what to say. I've know this man for a decade, but I still don't know what to say to honor him and show him final respect."
Bones sighs and questions in his Southern accent, "Tell me what you've gotten so far."
"I don't know," I tiredly admit. "Spock was undoubtedly the best crewman aboard. The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall. And everyday we said hello, but never touched at all. He was in his paper. I was in my room. We play chess, but that's not all I can say. He became my closest friend, but..."
"But you wanted more than friendship. You loved him, didn't you?"
"I loved him so much. I loved his eyebrow. Even after a year I constantly think about him, but I know that he never could have felt the same way."
McCoy smiles at me and replies, "I think you are wrong, Jim. I think Spock loved you. He loved you more than he could admit.
I let his words process a moment before I venture, "How do you know? If so, how was I to know? He never told me."
"Wrong again. He told you every day but not with words. He told you with every look or smile. He would say something that had a hidden meaning or would do something totally illogical to keep you safe. You were perfect to him even with all of you Human emotions; you hung the moon."
I feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. I should have known. I doubt that he could have been any more obvious without getting a sign.
"He should have told me. I should have just told him. How was I to know he thought?"
Uhura's voice comes over the intercom informing us that Ambassador Sarek and Lady Amanda are ready to receive us.
I use my dress uniform's sleeve to wipe my face; I can't let people see their captain like this.
"I put my mask back on and somberly say, "Come on, Bones. I have a eulogy to give."
Bones and I walk to the transporter room in utter silence. I cannot quiet my mind from the vortex of memories and 'what ifs."
Upon beaming down, I leave McCoy and approach the podium. I still don't know what I am going to say. My career has been based on spur of the moment decisions; now will not be any different.
I haven't said anything yet, but eyes are already moist. Amanda is sobbing while clinging to Sarek's arm. Sarek seems to be in discomfort. No parent should have to bury a child.
I stand in front of the crow surveying all of the people that cared about Spock. All of them admired him and had special memories of him. I am overwhelmed by all of the love in the room.
"Spock was without a doubt the best person aboard the Enterprise. He could get us out of impossible situations and my God he was smart. The greatest man I never knew came home late every night. He was always in the science lab doing something important. He never had too much to say, too much was on his mind. Even though he was my Second Officer, I never really knew him, and now it seems so sad. Spock gave the crew everything he could; he gave his life. Everything he gave to us took all he had.
"Life aboard the Enterprise was interesting to say the least. The days just flew by. Then the days turned into years and the memories to black and white. Spock left us all to rid himself of all emotions in a process called Kolinahr. When he left he grew cold like an old winter wind blowing across my life. I was so hurt when he left.
"I loved Spock. I loved him more than a friend and I still do. I have been told by a source that he felt the same way."
For the first time since I began the eulogy, I allow myself to actually see the other mourners. No one seems shocked by my declaration of love for a fellow man. Lady Amanda gives a small smile and a slight nod as confirmation.
"I have always longed to hear those three special words and to reciprocate them. The greatest words I never heard, I guess I'll never hear because the man I thought could never die has been dead almost a year.
Spock was good at taking care of things. He was good at business, but there was business left to do: he never said he loved me. I guess he thought I knew.
"Before I sit down, I would like to say something to Spock. If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through; I don't know how long I'll be, but I'm not gonna let you down. Darlin' wait and see 'cause between now and then...until I see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, me."
I leave the stage before I completely break down because I lost the person I love the most in the universe.