A/N: Hi so this is part one of this and before you ask, I'm REALLY sorry, but I'm studying abroad during June and will have zero time to write during then. I will, however, spend all of July writing part 2 (and the next part to my other fic) and that's when this shall be updated, so please be patient with me! Okay, thanks, I hope you enjoy!
Beth has problems. Lots of problems. Twenty-five problems to be exact. AP Calculus is going to be the death of her.
She's desperately scribbling the assignment down in her planner in miniscule handwriting, trying to make it fit in the tiny space left in the margins. Tuesdays were hell. Cross country, National Honor Society, volunteering at the library, and all of her homework. It was going to be another late night.
She sighs when the bell rings, too caught up in thinking about how much stuff she has to do to be excited that she has jazz band next, her last class of the day.
She stops at her band locker to grab her trumpet and drop off her books, hoping that band will go by quickly.
"Oi, Childs!"
Beth rolls her eyes at the familiar greeting. "Oi oi."
An arm falls across her shoulders. "Oi. Never say oi again, ya 'ear me?"
"Whatever Manning. Get off me." Beth shrugs off the arm and turns around, finally coming face to face with her best friend and the biggest pain in the ass she's ever met.
Sarah quirks an eyebrow. "So I just came from History and guess who I hafta do a project with?"
Beth shrugs. "I don't know man. Jennifer?"
Sarah smirks. "Your little boyfriend."
"For the last time, Paul is not my boyfriend."
"I mean, if you say so, but I saw you flirtin' with him at lunch." Sarah pulls her drumsticks from her back pocket, twirling them around her fingers. Beth grabs the sticks from her hands.
"I was being friendly. Fuck off."
Sarah snorts. "Well then ya shoulda been flirtin'. Paul's hot. And word on the street is he has a gigantic di– "
"Then why don't you date him, dipshit."
"Because he has a bloody crush on you obviously."
Beth rolls her eyes and leads Sarah into the band room before the bell rings and they're late. Again. "Yeah well, I don't know. I don't like him, okay?"
Sarah laugh dryly. "Yeah alright. You never like anyone, Childs."
Beth shrugs as she makes her way to the trumpet section. "I don't have time to like anyone."
"Yeah yeah I 'ear ya, I know." Sarah shoves her lightly and she falls into her seat. "Now can I have my sticks back? And are ya coming over tonight? S has been wondering where you've been."
Beth hands Sarah her drumsticks and starts to take her trumpet out of its case. "I can't on Tuesdays, dude. I have NHS, and cross country, and I'm volunteering at the library this semester, remember?"
"Right I forgot. Fine. Tomorrow then." Sarah shakes her head and moves to the back of the room toward her drum set.
Beth rolls her eyes and finishes prepping and tuning her trumpet just as their band teacher walks in. The class goes by pretty quickly, and when the bell rings, Beth scrambles to pack up so she can get to NHS on time.
"Beth wait," her teacher calls. "I need a favor from you."
"Yeah sure, what's up?"
"Would you mind playing in the pit for the musical? I know you're busy and that's why you keep rejecting my requests to join marching band… but this is only for a few days after school for the next two weeks. I wouldn't ask, but you're first chair and the others… they're just not as good as you. I've already asked Sarah to do percussion, if that can convince you at all."
Beth thinks about all the stuff she has to do, and college applications, and her quickly disintegrating social life, and she wants to say no. But then she looks at her teacher's face and thinks about how bad the other trumpets are and all of the musical kids who will just want to put on a good show, and she can't let anyone down. It wouldn't be fair.
"Sure thing. What do I have to do?"
His beaming smile makes it worth it.
Beth hurts. Everything hurts. Goddammit, it fucking hurts.
"Come on, half a mile more. Don't give up on me now, Beth."
"Please," Beth wheezes. "I'm barely even sweating, Art." Goddammit, she might not make it the last half mile, but if she loses to Art for the first time in three years, he'll never let her live it down.
Her feet move off the grass and onto the pavement, the telltale sign that they're almost back at school and to the finish line of their route. Her sneakers slap the concrete in a well-practiced rhythm, and she hears Art's do the same one step behind her.
She can see the track coming up and she pushes herself, one final burst of energy. The second her feet hit the track, she slows down, hands coming up above her head, breath gasping out of her. Art finishes five seconds behind her.
"Dammit, how do you do that?"
Beth laughs through her exaggerated breathing. "Natural talent, obviously."
Art puts his hands on his knees and closes his eyes. Beth picks up her water bottle from next to her equipment bag and takes a large gulp before pouring the whole thing down Art's back.
"Shit that's cold," he gasps and lunges for her, but she dances out of the way. "Watch yourself, Childs."
"Aw come on, dipshit. Can't take losing? Again!"
"One of these days…"
"Right," Beth snorts and checks her watch before picking up her bag. "Shit, I gotta go Art. But I'll see you tomorrow. Tell Coach that I had to head out early."
Art smiles and waves. "Okay. See you. I'm going to beat your ass tomorrow, you'll see!"
"Whatever you say, Art," she calls over her shoulder and heads to her car in the parking lot.
It's eight when she finally gets home from the library and grabs a bite to eat. She brings the bowl of easy mac up to her room, careful not to wake her mom down the hall because she has to go into the hospital at midnight.
She shuts her bedroom door and turns on her desk lamp, pulling out her calculus textbook and her calculator. She gets most of the problems, but struggles on the last one, deciding to ask her teacher about it tomorrow. Then she does her physics homework, which is a piece of cake.
It's 11:00 by the time she starts on her reading for English. She tries to get into it, but English has never been her strong suit and she's fading fast fifteen minutes into her reading when there's a knock on the door.
"Beth? Are you still awake?"
Beth clears her throat. "Yeah Mom, I'm still up."
Her bedroom door creaks open, revealing her mom in light blue scrubs and sneakers, her hair in a ponytail and her glasses perched on the end of her nose. She looks as tired as Beth feels, but Beth guesses that being a trauma surgeon will do that to you.
"Shouldn't you be getting to bed?"
Beth smiles and nods. "I am, I just have to finish this reading."
"Okay. Well it's almost midnight. I know you have to get up early."
"I know, Mom."
"Alright, well I'm off to the hospital. Call me if you need anything."
"Okay."
"Oh," her mom says, peeking her head back in Beth's room. "Did you do that Stanford application? Early admission is coming up."
Beth internally cringes. She totally forgot. Well, she didn't forget about the ever-looming presence of college, but she did forget about that application. "No, but I'll do it tomorrow, promise."
"Okay, well just make sure you get it done." Her mom smiles caringly. "Now go to sleep. I love you."
"Yeah I will. Love you, too."
Her mom shuts the door and Beth goes back to her reading. When she finally finishes, it's almost 1:00. She sets her alarm for 5:00 and opens her dresser drawer. She pulls out her prescription meds, ignoring the recommended dosage of one pill in favor of two. If she wants to get any sleep tonight with all of the thoughts buzzing through her mind, she's going to need some extra help.
She turns off her bedside lamp and, after just a few minutes, her pills kick in and she passes out.
Alison wishes things were different. Yes, if she could have chosen any other life than this, she would have done it. But no. The theatre life chose her, and that is why she is stuck rehearsing with these buffoons.
It's not that she takes theatre that seriously, it's just that these morons are butchering her favorite musical. Blood Ties deserves a better cast. At least, it needs a better male protagonist. Why the director picked Donnie to play opposite of her, she'll never know.
"Take five," the theatre teacher, a bearded man named Alexander, calls as he pulls Donnie aside. Alison sits on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over, and looks toward the pit. It's their first day of rehearsal with the band and orchestra, and Alison hopes they'll learn the music better before opening night this weekend.
Alison thinks they probably won't, seeing as most of them are screwing around, particularly a girl by the timpani who is flipping her mallet through the air and trying to catch it behind her back. Alison rolls her eyes.
She scans the rest of them, noting a few familiar faces among her fellow performing arts peers. Then she notices another familiar face, but one she hadn't expected.
Student body president, athletic star, and the most well-known girl in school plays the trumpet? Alison kind of couldn't believe it. Not that she'd ever talked to the girl, but everyone knows Beth Childs is into sports, not band. She helped their basketball team make it to the semi-finals last year, which was something that had never been done in the history of the team.
Alison watched interestedly for a moment, trying to wonder if there was a mistake or, or, something, but Beth was quietly studying the sheet music, her fingers pressing over the valves of her trumpet as she mouthed the notes to herself.
"Oi, Childs. Watch this!"
Alison watched as Beth shook her head and turned around to where the timpani girl stood behind her. The girl tossed her mallet in the air and turned her body to catch it behind her back. She smirked triumphantly when it landed in her palm.
"Congratulations, Sarah. I see you're really exploring your life skills, pushing your talents to their limits."
"Hey, fuck off. Timpani is so boring. It's too easy. I wish I could have a go at the marimba. With like, four mallets man. Now that'd be wicked."
"They don't need you to play marimba, dipshit. So shut up, I'm trying to practice."
"I know ya can sight read that shit. Hey, can I copy your physics?"
Beth is about to reply, but Alexander claps his hands loudly, getting everyone's attention. "Alright everybody. Same time tomorrow. Donnie, Charity, please memorize your lines. You're all free to go."
Alison pushes herself up from the stage and walks to the green room. She picks up her backpack, pulling out her car keys and shoving her script in the main pocket. Everyone bustles around, talking about rehearsal and school, and just hanging out. Aynsley grabs her for a moment to ask about an exchange in the second act, but finally Alison is able to excuse herself.
She steps out of the green room and into the performing arts hall, heading toward the parking lot. Or she was headed toward the parking lot, but suddenly she isn't. Suddenly she isn't heading anywhere at all. Suddenly, she's on the floor.
"Oi, watch where you're going!"
"Sarah!"
"Wha'? She was in my bloody way."
A hand reaches down and Alison grabs onto it. As she pulls herself up from the floor, she comes eye to eye with student body president, resident jock, and apparently dedicated trumpet player Beth Childs. Alison notices that Beth might be all of those things, but up close, she also is extremely gorgeous.
"Hey, are you okay?"
Alison clears her throat, expecting an apology. "Yes I'm fine, thank you."
"Shit," Beth says. "Sarah you dumbass, this is the lead. You could've injured the lead and ruined the whole damn show. Typical."
"Are you bloody serious? I don't give a fuck. I'm just here for extra credit."
Beth rolls her eyes, but smiles at Alison. Alison distinctly notes that they're still grasping hands. "Sorry about her. I'm Beth, by the way."
"I know." Alison says. Her knee kind of hurts and she's very mad that this Sarah girl hasn't apologize.
"Oh. Okay," Beth mutters awkwardly, pulling her hand away. "And you are…?"
"That's none of your business. Goodbye."
Alison then turns on her heel and marches out to her car in the parking lot. When she is finally sitting in the seat, in the silent safety behind the wheel, she realizes she had acted rudely. She internally cringes, but doesn't know what to do because no amount of theatre training could have prepared her for coming within inches of Beth Childs' very green, very pretty eyes.
Despite not receiving an apology from that British scoundrel, Alison determines to politely apologize to Beth if she sees her tomorrow. It's the right thing to do.
She shakes off the encounter and drives home, turning up her showtunes playlist, and belting her heart out like she was born to do.
"…then you use the sine of that and you can find the length of the vector. It's really not that hard."
Sarah sighs, punching in numbers on her calculator. "Well sorry that we can't all be good at everything now, can we?"
Beth rolls her eyes. "I'm not good at everything. Or anything really. I'm just average at a wide variety of things."
Sarah glares at her. "I fuckin' hate you right now."
"Whatever. Just try that problem again." She slides off Sarah's bed and goes to her bookshelf, looking at one of the few books that Sarah owns – their junior yearbook. She pulls it off the shelf and brings it back to Sarah's bed, leafing through the pages until she gets to the juniors.
"What are ya doin', put that shite away."
Beth waves her friend off, scanning through the pictures.
"Who are ya looking for?"
"That girl you blindsided in the hallway. Have you ever seen her before?"
"Innit she on the soccer team?"
Beth ignores her. She's in the H's when she recognizes the girl. "Alison Hendrix," she reads out loud.
The girl has her hair down, bangs trimmed perfectly across her forehead. She's wearing a pink sweater and a cross dangles from her neck. It is unmistakably the same girl.
Sarah looks over her shoulder and snorts. "You've got ta be bloody kiddin' me."
Beth smirks, but continues to stare at the girl, confused. Why hasn't she seen this girl before? She's the student body president. She kind of makes it her business to know most of the student body.
(Maybe she isn't a very good student body president? Why did people vote for her?)
She shakes the thought off. She'll right this wrong tomorrow.
"I still don't get this. Can I jus' copy yours?"
Beth rolls her eyes, but pulls out her homework. "Here, dipshit. But don't complain when you fail the test."
Just then, Sarah's bedroom door flies open, hitting the wall and bouncing back a few inches.
"Oi!" Sarah yells at the blonde in the doorway. "What'd I tell ya about knockin'?"
"Sorry, seestra. I felt excitement to get home from school." The blonde notices Beth and lifts up an arm to wave. "'Ello Elizabeth Childs."
"I've told ya a million times, meathead, it's jus' Beth."
Beth shrugs. "It's fine, Sarah. Hi Helena. What's up?"
"I am eating a snack before dinner."
"Cool."
"I swear if you get Jello in my bed again I'll cut your bloody fingers off."
Helena just smirks as she sits in the chair at Sarah's desk.
"Hey, Childs, wanna help us steal Vic's marijuana stash and sell it for profit?" Sarah grins at her. "We need some brains in this operation."
Beth rolls her eyes. "And what are you, then?"
"The brawn obviously. And Helena's the beauty. Wha' d'ya think about tha'?"
Beth snorts. "Well you sure as hell ain't the beauty."
"Watch it, Childs."
"You know my conditions."
"Yeah yeah, you'll orchestrate it as long as we take the fall." Sarah rolls her eyes.
"Hey, have we ever been caught?"
"I guess not."
"You're damn right. Because my plans are flawless."
"Whatever. You're still a goddamn goody-two-shoes."
Beth smirks. "If I was such a goody-two-shoes, would we be friends?"
"I probably would have a cleaner record." Sarah shakes her head, but grins. "But no, you're right. We wouldn't be friends."
Beth first met the Manning twins a few days before her sophomore year of high school. Separated at birth, Sarah had been fostered through the system in London while Helena went through the Ukrainian system, mostly spending time in a convent. Finally, Siobhan Sadler, who had fostered Sarah for a few years, decided to adopt the two of them and move over to North America with her other adopted son, Felix.
Her sophomore year, Beth had signed up to be on the welcome crew for freshman and new student orientation and the two of them had been placed in her group. While she was giving them a tour of the school, someone in their group had made an offhand remark about Helena's accent. Beth hadn't heard it, but suddenly Sarah had the kid pinned to a locker, her forearm pressing into his throat.
"Talk shite about my sister again and I'll cut your tongue out, ya fuckin' bastard."
"Hey!" Beth called. "Let him go!" Sarah just looked at her, her arm still holding the kid in place while he squirmed to get away. "Come on, let the kid go."
Sarah rolled her eyes, but released the kid, who rubbed at his throat and shot a grateful smile at Beth.
"Goody-fuckin'-two-shoes," Sarah grumbled.
"Look, I just don't want you getting into trouble before the first day, alright."
Sarah scoffed. "I don't need ya lookin' out for us." She jutted her chin toward Helena, who held her arms across her body and was shooting an identical glare Beth's way.
Beth shrugged. "Fine."
She turned back to continue the tour. The kid jogged to catch up with her. "Thanks for that, by the way. Bitch dresses like a punk-rock ho."
Beth had never had the urge to hit anyone before, but suddenly it was all she could think about. "Watch it," she said, clenching her fists in her hoodie as they made their way up to the second floor.
"That blonde one is a fucking animal."
She'd never done something so impulsive, and she probably never will again, but for one second, Beth lost the composure that she prides herself on having. She swung her shoulder to the side, the impact causing the kid to lose his balance. She didn't mean to make him fall down the stairs. It just kind of… happened.
She's knows it's not the best thing she ever did, but she still doesn't regret it.
Besides, he was fine, it was just a sprained ankle. Plus the humiliation of falling down the stairs, which was probably more painful… and how they had to call the kid's mom to pick him up and he was on crutches for a few days…
Whatever. He was being a dick.
She lived the next few days in fear that he would rat her out, but the punishment never came. It wasn't until she was on her way to cross country after school one day during the first week when someone grabbed her arm.
"Oi, goody-two-shoes, know where detention is?"
Beth snorted at the girl from her orientation group. "You got detention already?"
"Yeah, didn't ya hear? I pushed some bloke down the stairs."
Her eyes widened. "Shit."
The girl smirked. "I mean, I think he thinks someone else did it, but the poor guy was a little blue after his fall. I felt bad, so I turned myself in."
"You didn't have to do that." Beth bit her lip. She'd never been in trouble before, but it didn't seem right to let this girl take the fall.
The girl shrugged. "Sarah Manning, by the way," the girl held out her hand and Beth shook it.
"Beth Childs. And thanks. You know, for… whatever."
"Nah, thanks yourself. Kid deserved it."
Beth smiled a bit, but remembered that she was going to be late. "Well, hey umm, detention is down that hall and on your left. I gotta go, though. Cross country, and stuff."
"See ya around, Childs."
"Later, Manning."
The next day, when she saw Sarah Manning and her sister eating lunch in the cafeteria, she decided to sit with them.
"Beth Childs. To what do we owe this pleasure?" Sarah smirked, and Helena looked between the two of them, a spoon dangling from her mouth.
"Just saying hello." Beth matched Sarah's smirk. "Can I eat with you?"
Sarah shrugged. "Helena, you remember Beth?" Helena nodded and continued to eat her Jello.
Beth opened her lunch, rolling her eyes when she saw her mom packed her a pudding cup again. She really hates pudding.
"Hey, do you guys like pudding?" She pulled out the chocolate pudding cup, only to have it immediately snatched from her hand.
"Oi, meathead. Say thank you."
"Thank you, Elizabeth Childs." Helena didn't even look up, too preoccupied with peeling the top off the cup.
"No problem. And it's just Beth."
"Well, now you're on her good side forever," Sarah laughed. "And I'll let ya know about me once I finish all my detentions."
She'd quickly come to know that being friends with the Mannings meant she was always on the brink of trouble. But they were extremely loyal, and fun to hang with, and their friendship meant a lot to her.
Beth had a lot of friends. She was a friendly person. She was involved in a lot of things.
But she'd never had a best friend until she met Sarah Manning.
Beth is tired. So tired. But the day isn't over yet. She still has cross country practice and musical dress rehearsal, which she imagines will take most of the night. And then homework….
She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe she should skip… something. Fuck she can't.
"Hey Beth, did we ever hear back from the district about the vending machines?"
Her eyes snap open. Shit. She forgot to reply to the district email.
"Hey Cos," she says, looking up at her Vice President. "We did, and they want to know more about the budget before they say yes."
Cosima rolls her eyes. "Didn't we already lay it out for them? Delphine and Scott did a whole spreadsheet for it."
"Yeah, I know, I kinda forgot to send it in…" She smiles weakly. "Sorry, I swear I'll do it tonight."
(God she's so stupid. People should've voted for Cosima instead. She can't even remember to send a goddamn email.)
"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. I totes know you're busy with all of your…" Cosima waves her hands around noncommittally. "Well, all your stuff, obvs. It can wait a day."
"I'll do it tonight," Beth says again, not wanting to waste everyone's hard work. Student Council put so much time into the vending machine proposal.
"Okay, sure." Cosima smiles at her. "You look rough, dude. You should, like, take a nap or something."
"Nah, I'm fine." Beth waves her off. She doesn't have time for a nap. "I just need a Red Bull or something. Didn't sleep much last night."
"If you say so," Cosima looks at her carefully. "Hey, don't you have cross country right now?"
"Shit," Beth shoots out of her seat. "Yeah, thanks Cos."
"No problem. See you tomorrow."
"Oh," Beth says as she's heading out the door. "I'll carbon copy you on that email to the district okay? I promise I'll do it tonight."
"Whenever you get around to it, man. Totally. See you later."
Beth runs to the locker room and changes, before heading down to the track. They have their big meet tomorrow. Beth heard rumors that some scouts were coming. She has to be on top of her game.
She spends the next hour and a half kicking Art's ass and trying to fire up the rest of the team. A bunch of them are really close to qualifying for states and she hopes tomorrow will be the day that helps them out.
After practice, she heads back up to the auditorium, grabbing her trumpet on the way. When she gets there, everyone in the pit is tuning their instruments and all of the cast is in full costume. She notices Alison Hendrix standing center stage, mop in hand. She has her hair up, is in full makeup, and is wearing a long sleeve pink shirt. She looks displeased.
"'Bout time ya got 'ere," Sarah says as Beth steps between rows to get to her chair. "I thought that bitch was gonna shit her Lululemons."
"Sorry… I… had… cross country…" Beth tries to catch her breath as she sits down.
"Can we start now, please?" Alison calls curtly and Beth snaps to attention.
The director, Alexander, claps his hands. "Yes, places everyone. I don't want to keep you here too late."
Beth spends the next few hours watching Alison Hendrix perform. Between songs, her eyes are glued to the stage, and she can't help but think that Alison is amazing. The guy she's playing opposite of kind of sucks though. Alison's energy is the only thing keeping him afloat.
Finally, Alexander does his signature clap and tells them they're free to go. The cast goes back to the green room and Beth scrambles to put away her trumpet.
"Where's the fire?" Sarah mutters, but Beth ignores her, shooting into the performing arts hallway. She lingers outside the green room, but doesn't see Alison anywhere. Finally a tall blonde girl walks by and Beth clears her throat.
"Hey have you seen Alison?"
The girl quirks an eyebrow at her. "She was changing in the green room. She'll be out in a few minutes I'm sure." Just then, the green room door opens and Alison steps out into the hall. "Oh. There she is." The girl gives Alison a look. "Your friend was looking for you, but I'll see you tomorrow, Ali."
"Bye Aynsley. Wait what friend?" Alison finally spots Beth, who smiles. "Oh. It's you."
Beth raises her eyebrows. "It is? I mean, yeah. I was looking for you."
"Really," Alison supplies.
"Really." Beth feels uncomfortable under Alison's harsh gaze, but she pushes through it. "I mean, I just wanted to apologize again for my friend yesterday."
Alison's hand comes up to her cheek. "I also wanted to apologize. I was extremely rude."
"Oh, no, it's fine." Beth waves her hand in the air. "I just, uh, also wanted to say hi. Because I don't really know you, and I, uh, I'm the student body president and I want to know the people since they voted for me, and stuff…" She trails off lamely.
Alison stares at her. "I voted for Cosima."
Beth feels her heart plummet. "Yeah, Cos is cool. I just. Right." God what is she doing? "Well, I just wanted to say sorry. And you know, you're really good in the musical. Okay, bye Alison."
(She's so stupid and awkward. Why does she even try to talk to people?)
She moves to leave, but Alison stops her. "Beth, wait."
She turns around, feeling uncomfortable and wishing she was back on the track running with Art or in Sarah's room jamming to music. She feels weird in her body.
"Huh?"
"Thank you." Alison's lips thin into an almost-smile. "And thank you for working hard on the musical. It's very important to us."
"Oh." Beth grabs the back of her neck. "Yeah no problem. I mean, it's the least I could do. Anything to help out."
"Well, thank you."
Beth grins and waves over her shoulder as she makes her way to the parking lot. Sarah's leaning up against the passenger door and Helena is standing stiffly next to the car, chewing on a bagel.
"'Bout time. Can we please blow this place now?"
"Sure can. Sorry about that." The three of them climb into Beth's car. "Hey Helena. Where'd you get that bagel?"
Helena swallows a big bite. "We had… class party today."
"Oh darn. I thought you went to get food. I'm starving."
"We should get Taco Bell," Sarah says, fiddling with the radio.
"Yeah alright. Helena do you want Taco Bell?"
"I like tacos."
"Okay, then."
Beth puts the car in drive, trying to forget about the doubts in the back of her mind, the amount of work she has to do that night, but most of all, the intense look in Alison Hendrix's eyes when she performs.
"And we have our first runners coming up to the finish line now…"
Beth's breaths beat out of her in heavy gasps and she tries to control them, tries to push herself a little harder for the last stretch. Almost there.
"Looks like we have Elizabeth Childs, closely followed by Margaret Chen… it's going to be a close one."
Beth grunts. Her legs are on fire. Her lungs feel like they're about to collapse. She can feel her opponent just behind her, but the finish line is just a few steps away…
"And Childs crosses the line with a time of…"
Beth puts her hands above her head, feeling dizzy. Coach hands her a water bottle, patting her on the back, before turning back to the race where a few of her teammates are finishing. Beth sips at the water, feeling it slosh around in her empty stomach.
Her lips pull up in a triumphant grin, but she mentally berates herself for not eating lunch. She completely forgot because she had to run an errand for Student Council during her lunch period and it almost cost her the race. She should've done so much better…
"Beth!" A large hand lands on her shoulder and she turns to see Art smiling at her. "You just beat the school record for that route."
"What? No I didn't." She's still catching her breath and she wipes her forehead where beads of sweat drip from her hairline.
"They just announced it, didn't you hear?" She shakes her head and Art just claps her on the back again. "You killed it!"
"What about everyone else?" Beth looks to her teammates, some of who are hugging ecstatically.
"Oh yeah, DeAngelis qualified for states."
"Oh nice," she murmurs, taking a moment to drink more water.
"Well I just wanted to say congratulations, but I have to go prep for my race," Art smiles at her and she fist bumps him.
"Try not to lose, dipshit."
Art stares at her, stone-faced. "I'll beat your lame ass time. Watch it Childs."
"Good luck!"
Art waves at her and heads to the grass to lace up his running shoes. Beth sits down next to her equipment bag, waving at one of her teammates who yells congratulations at her. She turns her face up to the fading autumn sun, basking in the feeling of her heart pumping erratically in its cage, an animal wanting to escape. How often has she felt the need to beat faster, to rattle the cages of existence and just run…
"Excuse me, Beth."
Beth looks toward the voice, eyes widening in surprise at its owner. "Alison? Hey. What are you doing here?"
"I was just leaving the school after rehearsal and I saw that your game was going on. They announced your name, so I thought I would say hello."
Beth smiles gratefully. "Oh well, that was nice of you." Then she laughs. "It's not a game, though, it's a meet."
Alison's lips thin. "They said you beat some kind of record."
"Oh," Beth clears her throat. "Yeah I guess they said that."
"Well congratulations."
"Thanks," Beth says. There's beat of awkward silence, in which Beth is extremely aware that she's covered in sweat, her ponytail is falling out of its elastic, and Alison Hendrix is staring at her.
"So," Alison says after a moment. "Is there going to be a celebration?"
"For what?" Beth can't look away from the green of Alison's eyes.
"For beating the record, obviously."
"Oh! Right." Beth shakes her head. "Ummm, probably not. I have a lot of homework and my mom isn't going to be here tonight, so…"
Alison raises her eyebrows skeptically. "What about your friends?" She waves in the direction of her teammates.
"I think they're probably pretty busy, too." Beth shrugs. She doesn't usually hang out with track people outside of school unless there's a party. Even then, she usually brings Sarah, Helena, and Felix with her.
"Well that is just unacceptable." Alison shakes her head and reaches out a hand to Beth. The action reminds Beth of her first meeting with Alison.
"Ummm." Beth doesn't get it, but she grabs Alison's hand and stands up anyway. "What?"
"You have to celebrate."
Beth shakes her head, a small grin tugging at her lips. "Honestly, Alison it's fine, I really don't need to."
"Well you're going to."
Beth has never seen someone so adamant about anything, and despite Alison being the tiniest person she's ever met, there's something kind of intimidating about her. It's pretty cute. Beth smirks.
"Okay, let's go."
Before meeting her, Alison always assumed that Beth Childs was kind of a cocky asshole. After meeting her, Alison realizes she was right.
Sort of.
"So, what is this Hendrix, a date?"
Alison almost chokes on her fries.
"I beg your pardon?"
Beth smirks and claps her on the back as her tiny frame shakes with coughs. "Whoa, take a breather, I was just kidding."
"This is not a date." Alison shakes her head as her coughing dies down.
"Hey," Beth puts her hands up defensively. "A lot of people would kill to be on a date with the student body president, haven't you heard?"
Alison rolls her eyes. "Yes and the new cross country record holder."
"Oh." Beth shrugs noncommittally. "That too, I guess."
As far as Alison can tell, Beth Childs is a cocky asshole about everything – unless it matters or is true. "You're also the school's basketball star, a talented trumpet player, best friend of valedictorian candidate Arthur Bell, and dating the most popular kid in school, Paul Dierden."
Beth raises her eyebrows in surprise. "What? I am not dating Paul Dierden. And Art's not my best friend."
"Wait, are you dating Art?"
Beth snorts. "No! Where are you getting your information?"
Alison stares at her. "It's common knowledge."
"Wow, I hate high school." Beth sighs and takes a sip of her milkshake. "Art and I are just… I don't know, buddies. We run together."
For the first time, Alison truly sizes up Beth Childs. Her hands fiddle on the tabletop, nail polish half-peeling, fingers tapping. Her chin tucks close to her body, but her eyes look deeply at Alison, open and inviting. Alison stares back at her and wonders what Beth sees when she looks at her.
"So who are you dating if not Paul or Art?"
Beth rolls her eyes. "I'm not dating anyone."
Alison brings a hand up to her cheek, shaking her head in amused wonder. "Wow. Beth Childs not dating anyone."
Beth stares at her, eyes turning stony and unwavering. Alison feels her stomach flop. "Why do you say it like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know…" Beth sighs and then imitates her, posture stiffening and voice going up an octave. "Beth Childs." She shakes her head and relaxes back to her earlier position. "It's just Beth, I'm just… Beth."
Alison purses her lips, partly in sympathy and partly in disbelief. "Well you are kind of legendary throughout the school."
Beth seems to shrink in on herself. "I'm not legendary. Jesus. I'm just normal, okay?"
Alison ignores her. "Liked by everyone, talented, athletic, kind, funny, smart, pretty… honestly the list could go on."
Beth rolls her eyes and avoids Alison's gaze, taking a big bite of her cheeseburger. Something in Alison breaks as she realizes the illusion that everyone has about this girl is so far from the truth. She puts her hand on Beth's arm.
"I thought people would kill to be on a date with Beth Childs."
Beth coughs, a hard chuckle. "Right, well, you did say I was funny."
Alison pulls her hand away gently. "Well, that's just what I've heard."
Beth looks at her, a grin pulling at the corners of her mouth. "Are you teasing me, Hendrix? I didn't think that was possible for someone so… proper."
"I'm not that proper," Alison says, scandalized.
Beth chuckles again, straightening her back. "Excuse me, Alexander, I beg your pardon. What the dickens?"
"I do not sound like that!" Alison huffs, crossing her arms.
"Alison, chill. I'm kidding." She raises an eyebrow at her. Alison blows her bangs out of her face.
"Sorry, I just don't take kindly to being made fun of." If she's being honest with herself, she doesn't take kindly to a lot of things. Strangely, Beth Childs, so far, is not one of those things.
"Noted." Beth grins, and moves to slide out of the booth. "Well, thanks for taking me out. I normally don't do pay-at-the-counter burger joints on the first date, but I guess I can make an exception because I like you."
Alison stiffens. "This is not a date. And where are you going?"
"Homework calls." Beth shrugs and puts on her zip-up hoodie. "You know how it is."
Alison climbs out of the booth. "But I drove you here."
Beth shrugs. "I'll just run home. Not a big deal."
"You are not running home. You just ran I don't know how many miles and it's dark out!"
"Three miles. That's not even that many, relax. And we live in suburbia."
"Elizabeth Childs, I refuse to let you run home. I will drive you." Alison stands with her hands on her hips. There is no way she is letting Beth decline her offer. Her mother raised her better than that.
Beth looks at her for a moment. Then she glances outside. Then she looks back at Alison. "Fine. Okay. You win."
Alison swiftly power walks out of the restaurant, heading to her car in the parking lot. She doesn't check to make sure Beth is following her.
"You are a woman on a mission aren't you?" Alison ignores her. "You wanna race?"
"No," Alison says curtly. Beth just chuckles and jogs in a circle around her. "Please stop."
Beth holds her hands up in defeat. "After you m'lady," she says, opening the driver's side door for her.
Alison almost smiles, but she doesn't want to give Beth the satisfaction of making her laugh. Beth must sense she's amused though, because she smirks and then goes to the passenger side and climbs in the car.
Beth lives close and it's only a few minutes until they've pulled up in front of her house.
"Well, this is my place." Beth smiles at her and Alison curiously looks out of the car window at the dark house.
"Nobody home?"
"Oh, nah." Beth waves a hand dismissively. "My mom's working late. Well, thanks for the ride and for dinner and everything."
"Congratulations on your record." Alison smiles. She feels proud for some reason when Beth smiles back.
"Thanks." She opens the car door and climbs out. "See you tomorrow. Opening night and all that."
"What?"
Beth raises an eyebrow. "For the musical. You know, that thing you're starring in?"
"Oh right! Of course." She almost forgot about that. "Goodnight, Beth."
"Later, Alison!" Beth shuts the car door and jogs up her sidewalk. Alison watches her until she unlocks the front door, steps inside, and the lights come on inside the house.
The minute Beth gets inside her house, she races up to her room. Dropping her backpack on the floor, she moves over to her dresser and opens the drawer. She pulls out her pill bottle with shaky hands.
It's been too long. All day. And she barely ate. Too much running. And talking. Talking with Alison was nice though. But she needs to just… breathe.
She ignores the recommended one pill, an action that's becoming a habit, and swallows back two.
She has so much to do tonight. That Stanford application. Homework.
She lies on her bed, waiting for the pills to kick in and for her hands to stop shaking, replaying the night's conversations with Alison over and over in her mind.
Beth Childs. Liked by everyone, talented, athletic, kind, funny, smart, pretty. Beth Childs.
Beth shakes her head and focuses on her breathing. Why does everyone talk about her like that?
For one moment, Beth wishes she was someone else. She wishes people didn't expect her to be Beth all the time. Wishes her mom didn't want her to be a surgeon. Wishes she could be free and rebellious like Sarah. Wishes people like Alison didn't think she was perfect because she's not, and her biggest fear is disappointing everyone when they realize it.
Eventually she slips into a calmer medium and starts on her homework. All the while, ghosts of doubt pound in her brain. She wishes the pills would erase them, but they don't.
"Why the hell am I pickin' ya up again? Where's your car?"
Beth sighs and puts on her seatbelt. It's too early for this. "It's at school."
"But why?" Sarah's eyes meet hers in the rearview mirror.
Beth shrugs. "I went out last night and got a ride home."
"You went out? Beth Childs went out?" Sarah nudges Helena in the front seat. "Ya ' ear that?"
Beth rolls her eyes, but smiles anyway. "Shut up, I go out."
They come up to a red light and Sarah turns around to look at her. "Wha' have ya done with Beth? Fee, does that look like Beth to ya? Maybe it's a clone."
Next to her, Felix flips his hair out of his eyes. "Oi! It's green!"
Sarah glances back at the road, putting her hands back on the wheel of the truck. "Thanks," Beth whispers.
Felix shrugs. "Wha'ever. Heard you broke a record last night."
Beth slumps in her seat. "How'd you hear about that?"
"Colin's on the team."
"Wait, wha' happened?" Sarah looks back in the rearview again.
"Beth broke the school record at her cross country meet."
"No shit?"
Beth just shrugs and looks out the window, ignoring the look Felix and Sarah exchange in the mirror. When they finally get to school, she sighs and hops down from the truck. She makes her way around to front where she gets a proper look at Sarah's outfit for the first time.
"Oh my God. What are you wearing?"
Sarah scowls and looks down at her shirt. "Wha'? The Clash rock."
"Not that." Beth points to her pants. "Those."
"They're leather. It's good, innit?"
Beth snorts. "You look like… dude you kind of do look like a punk-rock ho."
"Oi!" Sarah shoves her shoulder. "Shu' your bloody mouth. I look hot."
"Yeah, Beth. She looks hot." Felix rolls his eyes. "Alright, well I'm off to sophomore English. Adios pissers."
Beth snorts. "Later, Fee."
"Oi, Helena. Do you like my pants?" Sarah asks as they walk to class.
"They are nice." Helena shrugs and then leaves them to head to her first period class.
"Thank you. See Beth. Helena likes them."
"Helena likes everything you do."
"Is that supposed to be my fault?"
Beth sighs. "I didn't say I didn't like the pants. But remember that we have opening night tonight and you have to dress nice, okay?"
"Yeah yeah I know. Wha'ever. See ya in Physics." Sarah flips her the bird before heading off to class and Beth rolls her eyes, but chuckles.
Punk-rock ho.
Alison lives for this moment. She's holding her pose, the curtain is falling, the audience is cheering.
She thinks she might cry.
As soon as the curtain hits the floor, Aynsley runs on stage. "Ali, you were brilliant!"
Alison hugs her friend tightly. "Thank you, Aynsley. You were marvelous as well."
"Oh stop." Aynsley beams and they exit the stage to where the rest of the cast is celebrating. They move back onstage to take their bows, and the audience gives her a standing ovation.
She notices that among those standing, Beth Childs claps particularly loud.
"So, I never asked ya this mornin', but who'd ya go out with las' night?"
Beth pauses putting her trumpet away. "Oh," she says, thinking about her dinner with Alison and the reason behind it. It's that stupid record.
It's not that she isn't proud of the record. It's just that now everyone is going to expect her to win at states… and what if she doesn't?
"Nobody really," she says finally. She internally rolls her eyes. Alison Hendrix is so far from being a nobody.
"Oh piss off." Sarah rolls her eyes.
"Honestly it was nothing important." Beth finishes putting her trumpet in its case and breaks down her music stand.
"Ya wouldn't be avoidin' the question if it wasn't important." Sarah slouches where she's sitting in Beth's chair, her legs coming out to kick at Beth's shins.
"Dammit, Sarah, knock it off." She moves a few inches back and out of the reach of Sarah's legs.
"Was he hot at least?"
"She… what?" Beth sputters, but recovers and crosses her arms defiantly. "Not all of us want to share the details of our dating life like you do, dipshit.
Sarah raises her eyebrows and smirks. "She?"
Beth rolls her eyes. "Please shut up."
"What the 'ell, Childs. There somethin' you're not tellin' me?"
Beth picks up her trumpet case. "I so do not have time for this, Sarah. I have homework."
"Wha'ever. It's fuckin' Friday night. No homework. You're comin' out."
Beth thinks of the parties that Sarah normally drags her to and the pills she's been taking with a clear warning that she's not supposed to mix them with alcohol.
"I don't know, man. I'm tired."
Sarah groans. "You're like the worst student body president ever. Give the people what they want, Childs. And what they want is you wasted."
Beth almost grins. "The people, or just you?"
Sarah throws her hands up in the air. "Fine. You haven't come out in forever. You're boring. Is that what ya want me to say?"
"Umm, no… nope. Not that exactly."
"Fine, I miss you, wha'ever," Sarah grumbles. "Please just come get smashed with me."
Beth smirks. "What was that?" She cups a hand to her ear. "Did I hear that correctly? Sarah Manning misses me?"
Sarah rolls her eyes. "Wha'? You're my best mate." Beth's grin grows. "I can miss people, alright?"
"Yeah, alright." Beth shakes her head and laughs. "Fine. Where are we going?"
Sarah grins back at her and puts her arm around Beth's shoulders as they walk through the school and to their cars in the parking lot. "Jus' wait 'til you see."
Beth hates being at Paul Dierden's house.
It's huge and expensive and she always loses Sarah within five minutes after getting there. And apparently Alison was right and everyone thinks she's dating him. Which she totally doesn't get because she talks to Paul like, three times a week, maximum.
She fucking hates high school.
There's a crash from the kitchen and a lot of yelling. She's sober as fuck and she wants to leave. Where the hell is Sarah?
She pushes through a group of people talking against the wall, drinks in hand. As she turns the corner, she slams hard into a moving body.
"Fuck." She grabs her head which rebounded against the wall.
"Oh my God," the person says. "Sorry, are you okay?"
"It's fine," Beth murmurs. She looks up, her eyes widening in surprise. "Alison?"
"Beth?" Alison giggles. "What are you doing here?"
"Umm, I'm here with my friends. What are you doing here?"
Alison smooths her sweater down, which Beth notices is unsurprisingly pink. She has a bottle of something in her hand, but Beth can't see exactly what it is in the darkness. "Celebrating opening night, of course!"
Alison giggles again and Beth feels herself giggling too. "Of course." Beth leans against the wall and crosses her arms. "You did really well, tonight."
"Thank you, Beth." Alison blushes and pushes Beth's shoulder lightly. Beth grins widely.
"What are you drinking?"
Alison turns the bottle around. "Oh. Pinot grigio? Do you want some?"
Beth pauses. Could she have a sip? What about her pills? What if she stops taking them? The jolt of panic in her chest makes her choice for her. "No thanks. I'm uh, the DD." It's a lie, but she's lied about worse. "Wine, though? Classy." Beth smirks.
Alison looks exaggeratedly offended. "Do not judge me, Elizabeth."
Beth raises her eyebrows. "No judgment. But straight from the bottle? You're a champ."
Alison gets this ridiculously cute look of uncertainty on her face. "Well if I had a glass, I would spill…"
"Good point. How much have you had so far?" Alison hands her the bottle. It's almost empty. "Wow," she says. "Definitely a champ."
Alison takes the bottle back and her other hand grabs Beth's shoulder. "Not really," Alison whispers. Beth leans closer so she can hear her. She feels bumps erupt over her skin when Alison's breath hits her ear. "I'm quite inebriated."
Beth laughs. "I can see that. Congratulations."
Alison looks up, her eyes dark green in the dim light. Beth feels a tug low in her stomach, like a ball of heat had dropped into her chest. "Ali…"
Alison smiles. "Yeah?"
"I…" Beth can't look away. She feels her breathing pick up, her senses heightened. Alison's perfume surrounds her. Her lips feel dry. "Ummm."
Suddenly, someone bumps into her, making her break eye contact. Alison leans up against the wall, and Beth straightens up. She clears her throat, suddenly confused.
"Ummm. I have to go, actually. I think… I think I have to go."
"Okay, well I'll see you on – "
"Yeah, bye."
She's pushing through people and suddenly she's outside. The night air hits her face and she realizes Sarah and Helena are still inside. She can't go back in there. They can find their own way home.
She starts walking toward her house. After a moment she starts jogging, and then she's running.
What was that? Why did she feel like that? Why was her mouth so… dry? And her breathing? She only breathes that hard when she runs.
She wasn't drinking. She wasn't high. So why – ?
Beth gasps out a hard cough as she turns on her street. Was it Alison?
Fuck.
She runs up her front walk and opens her front door quietly, knowing her mom has the night off. She tiptoes up the stairs, trying not to breathe too loudly. When she gets in her room, she paces back and forth.
Did Alison make her feel that? She's never considered that she could be gay before. She just thought that she was too busy to feel anything for guys like Paul. She thought she would just have to wait until college, until she met different guys.
But maybe…?
She paces over to her bedside table and slides it open. Her hand finds the familiar bottle, quickly untwisting the cap out of habit. The pills hit the back of her throat before they have time to settle in her hand. Maybe if she could just calm down then she could think this through.
She drops the almost empty bottle back in the drawer.
Beth flops back on her bed, trying to control the shaking in her bones. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to think.
Okay what happened? Alison touched her, put her hand on her shoulder. She shivers thinking about it, thinking about Alison's eyes.
Holy shit, maybe she is gay.
Okay, well that's fine. Felix is gay and like, that's fine. She's never questioned it. Could she be gay?
(Alison wouldn't want her even if she was gay. She's so stupid.)
Beth thinks she might throw up. She curls in a small ball, focusing on her breathing, waiting for the pills to kick in. Her phone starts to vibrate and she pulls it out of her pocket.
Sarah.
She presses ignore. Immediately she receives a text.
Where are you?
She sends back a quick response. Wasn't feeling well. Couldn't find you. Had to leave.
She doesn't receive anything back, but she feels herself starting to settle. She relaxes the tension in her limbs and thinks of Alison's eyes again.
They're like, really pretty. And her bangs. And her nose. And her intensity when she's on stage.
She groans. She's so fucked.
Alison has a headache. She's not one to hate Mondays just because they are Mondays, but this Monday is unpleasant.
She thinks she might be slightly hungover still, as she was very busy this weekend and did not get much time to sleep it off. Hence the headache.
She walks into school, back straight, determined to get through the day as quickly and painlessly as possible. She stops by her locker and drops off her books for her afternoon class. As she turns around, she notices a familiar face across the hall.
Beth leans against a locker, arms crossed, talking to a tall boy in a gold sweater. Alison takes in Beth's posture, noting how similar it is to when they were talking at the party. There's something about it, cool and confident, that strikes something deep in Alison. She likes it. A lot.
She wonders why Beth left so quickly the other night.
She closes her locker and crosses the hall. Beth turns to look at her as she approaches, her eyes going wide. She uncrosses her arms and wipes them on her jeans before recrossing them. Alison quirks her eyebrows, but says nothing.
"Hello, Beth."
"Hey Alison, what's up?" Beth bites her lip and squeezes her eyes shut for a moment. When she opens them, she smiles.
Alison finds the whole thing fascinating. "School, as usual."
"Cool," Beth nods. "Yeah. Me too."
"Obviously," the boy next to Beth says dryly.
"Oh! Alison, this is Felix. Felix this is Alison."
Alison holds her hand out, and it's delicately shaken by the boy. "Ah, the infamous Alison."
"I like your sweater," Alison says. Infamous? What did he mean by that? She's not sure, but she likes his accent.
"Oh, well, thank you!" He smiles at her. Alison likes his smile, too. "I love your bangs."
Her hand goes up to her forehead before landing on her cheek. "Thank you, Felix." She notices the hall is starting to clear out and she can't be late to class. She decides to ask Beth about her sudden disappearance from the party later.
"Well, I must be off, but I'll talk to you later, Beth."
Beth clears her throat. "Yeah, okay. See you."
"It was wonderful to meet you, Felix."
"You as well, darling." He smiles at her again and she decides she likes him. What a nice boy.
She waves at the both of them and heads down the hall. Suddenly her head doesn't hurt quite as bad.
"Oh my God."
"Shut up, Fe."
"That's her?" Felix smirks at her. "She's cute."
Beth practically face palms. "I know."
"Oi, who's cute?" Sarah's arm lands around Beth's shoulder.
"Nobody," Beth grumbles.
She didn't ditch Sarah at her locker to talk to Felix about her new… theory… for nothing. How is she supposed to understand any of this?
"Please tell me you're not goin' on about Colin again, Fe."
Felix's hand comes up to his chest. "Excuse me. Colin's cute."
"He's weird."
"Wha'ever, at least I'm not going after Cal Morrison."
Beth raises her eyebrows and looks at Sarah. "That bearded guy who wears all the flannel? Really into woodshop?"
Sarah smirks. "Tha's the one."
"Well," Beth shrugs. "He's pretty nice, I guess."
"You're damn right."
"Ew, no, stop. Never say that again."
"Wha'?" Sarah lets her arm drop off Beth's shoulders. "You say it all the time."
"Yes, it's my line. If I can't say oi, you can't say that."
Sarah rolls her eyes. "Fine, wha'ever." The bell rings and Sarah looks up. "Well, righ' on cue. See you pissers at lunch." She ruffles Felix's hair and he scowls and tries to kick her, but she's already sauntering down the hall.
"Bitch, I spent all morning on my hair."
Beth smiles and smooths it out for him. "It looks fine. Now can we please get back to this thing?"
"Oh, right, your budding sexuality."
"Felix."
"What about class?"
"Please? I'll get Paul to set you up with Colin."
Felix smirks, the side of his mouth revealing his teeth in a grin. "Alright. Deal."
"What do I do?"
Felix grabs her shoulders. "Well do you think you're gay? Does Alison Hendrix get your lady juices flowing?"
Beth grimaces. "Gross, Fe."
He shrugs. "Jus' sayin'. Answer the question."
"I don't know," Beth sighs. "I… guess. My mouth got really dry and like, I freaked out. It felt like I couldn't breathe."
"That's why you ditched Sarah at that party?" Felix raises his eyebrows and Beth nods. "Okay, well. Then you've probably got the hots for Alison Hendrix."
Beth groans. "Probably. But what do I do?"
"Well, you could do this thing where you start a conversation."
Beth glares. "Don't be rude, I'm serious."
"Jus' talk to her. Alright I really need to get to English. You'll figure it out, though."
"Fe!"
"Sorry, Beth. I have to go, if I'm counted absent again, Mrs. S will have my head." He takes off down the hall and Beth leans up against the locker in defeat. She feels her hands start to shake and immediately hates the feeling.
Beth takes her backpack off and unzips the front pocket, pulling out her emergency bag of pills. She walks over to the water fountain and swallows a few, followed by a sip from the fountain.
Then she heads to class, where she receives a tardy slip and her first threat of detention ever.
Beth scribbles down a few notes from an email from the district, displeased that they still seem reluctant to approve the vending machine proposal. Like, what the fuck, what's so wrong about having vending machines?
She sighs and squints her eyes shut, willing the week to be over. If she can just get through this week, things will slow down.
"Hey, Beth."
Beth looks up as someone slides into the chair opposite her at the library table. "Oh, hey Cosima."
"Guess what day it is?" Beth shrugs, and Cosima leans closer so she can talk quietly. "Hump day." Cosima does a weird little dance with her hands and Beth chuckles.
"Please never do that again."
Cosima smiles brightly. "So what are you up to?"
"Just wondering what the district has against vending machines."
"Ah, no luck then?" Cosima gives her a sympathetic smile. "Bummer man."
Beth shrugs. "We'll figure it out." She rubs her forehead where a massive headache is forming.
"You look a little stressed dude. You okay?" Beth nods and Cosima's eyes light up. "Hey. You want to get baked with me after school?"
"Ummm." Beth twists her mouth in thought. She's never smoked before. "Can't. Cross country."
Cosima waves her hands in the air. "Oh right, right. Sorry, I forgot you have your state championship thing this Saturday."
Beth nods, her stress levels suddenly maximizing. She has to be the best she can be. College scouts will be there. She needs this.
"Yep."
"Well that's cool, man. Maybe next week." Cosima smiles again and stands up. "Well, as much as I love spending lunch in the library, I'm starving. See you later, Beth."
"Bye, Cos."
Beth sighs and gets back to work.
The moment Alexander claps his hands, Alison jumps off stage and heads to the pit. Beth has her head down, fiddling with something in her backpack.
"Hello, Beth."
Beth's head snaps up, her hands releasing whatever she was holding back into the pocket of her bag. "Oh. Alison. Hey, what's up?"
Alison's lips thin. "Nothing in particular. Just wanted to say hello."
"Oh." Beth smiles at her and Alison feels herself smiling back. "Well, hello."
"I was wondering where you went on Friday? We were talking and then you kind of disappeared." Alison cocks her head to the side, and thinks she sees color seeping into Beth's cheeks, but she can't be sure.
"Right, the party." Beth bites her lip. Alison stares, waiting. "I wasn't feeling well."
Alison hums sympathetically. "That's too bad. Are you feeling better now?"
Beth nods. "Yeah, totally." Beth glances away and Alison follows her gaze to where the girl who plays timpani is talking to some guy with a beard.
"Do you want to get ice cream?" She doesn't know where the question comes from. To be honest, she has a lot of homework and her mother probably has dinner waiting for her. But it's out there, and Alison eagerly waits for an answer.
"Ice cream?" Beth bites her lip again and checks her watch. "I guess I could get ice cream."
"Wonderful," Alison says through a smile. When Beth smiles back, Alison is glad that she asked.
They go to Dairy Queen. Alison gets a Blizzard and Beth gets a chocolate dipped cone. They slide into a booth in the nearly empty restaurant.
"So I hear you have your state championship race this weekend." Alison dips her spoon into her ice cream, and Beth nods.
"Yeah," she says dryly.
Alison raises her eyebrows. "You don't sound very thrilled."
Beth licks at her cone, thinking about how she wants to answer. "Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited." Beth meets Alison's eyes across the table and feels a jolt in her stomach. "It's just a lot of pressure." It's the most she's ever said about it out loud and she feels strange, knowing that Alison is listening more intently than most of her friends or her mom ever listen to her. She squirms in her seat.
Alison hums, thinking. "Well, maybe you should try to not think about it like that."
"What do you mean?"
Alison sets her cup down and folds her hands together on the table. "Well, what if you just imagine it like you're running in practice, or with Art. Then it won't feel so stressful."
Beth smiles slightly. "I don't think it works like that." She shakes her head. "It's not the thought of racing that stresses me out."
Alison gets an adorable look of confusion on her face. "Then what does?"
"It's complicated." Beth scratches at the back of her neck, feeling awkward. Alison probably doesn't want to hear her problems.
"I'm sure it's a valid reason."
Beth twists her lips in thought. "Everyone just expects me to win. I'm Beth Childs. It's exactly how you thought of me before. You would expect me to win, too." She looks down, feeling uncomfortable. Her hands tingle like static pumps through her veins. She hates this. She hates being Beth Childs.
Alison's fingers touch the back of her hand and Beth looks up. "I'm sorry, Beth." Alison's eyes look like they feel sorry for her and Beth hates that, too.
"It's fine." Beth sighs and turns her palm over so her fingers interlock with Alison's. It's weird, but it feels good, and warmth spreads throughout her body. She expects Alison to pull away, but she doesn't. "It's just that I want to win for me. Not because people expect me to win and not because I need to get scouted for college. Just because running is something that I want to do for me, and somehow they made it about them."
Alison squeezes her hand. "You should make it about you, then."
"It's not that simple. Like, I don't want it to be about college, but it sort of has to be." Beth stares at her fingers, crossing over Alison's. "I have to get accepted into a good program. One with a pre-med track. And that's not cheap. So…"
Alison's eyes meet hers. "Do you want to be a doctor?"
Beth shrugs. "My mom's a surgeon." She licks at her cone to keep it from melting, but she doesn't really taste it. "I want to help people, but… I don't want to… I want…" She bites her lip again. "I want to go into criminal justice." She's never really said it to anyone before, and the words feel weird mixing with the air.
Alison smiles gently. "That sounds nice. I think you would be good at that."
"I'm just really good at science, and my mom is this amazing trauma surgeon and, I don't know, it feels like I should be a surgeon, too. But I don't think I would be good at it." Beth shrugs again. "Too much pressure."
"Well, you should do criminal justice, then."
Alison says it like it's that easy. Beth knows it isn't, but she feels relaxed, like she doesn't have to work as hard to stay calm, to stay steady. She stares at their hands, squeezes once, then lets go.
She immediately feels colder, but it's probably the ice cream.
"Yeah," she says. "Maybe. Do you know what you want to do after high school?"
Alison nods once, steady. "Kinesiology."
Beth grins. "What, like physical therapy?"
"Maybe. Quit grinning like that."
"Like what?"
"You're making fun of me."
Beth smirks. "No I'm not." Alison glares and Beth laughs. "Okay, I am a little. But not in a bad way. You're just cute is all."
Alison blushes and Beth basically dies a little on the inside. "Kinesiology isn't cute. It is very serious medicine."
"Okay."
"Good."
They both grin at each other until Alison looks away. Beth tingles. "So tell me more about your life Hendrix."
Alison's hand comes up to play with the cross around her neck. "There isn't much to tell. I do the musical in the fall and soccer in the spring."
"No boyfriend?" Beth's stomach suddenly empties at the unintended question. Crap. Will Alison think she's gay? Does she want Alison to think that? Is she being forward?
Alison just rolls her eyes. "No. The boys at this school are very immature."
"Huh. Well, it seems like you're a catch to me, Hendrix."
Alison blushes again, her smile reaching up to her eyes. "Maybe. But I'm no Beth Childs," Alison says, her tone light and teasing.
Beth rolls her eyes, but grins. They finish their ice cream and Alison takes Beth back to school to pick up her car.
"Thanks for getting ice cream with me," Alison says as they pull into the parking lot. She parks next to Beth's car.
"Thanks for inviting me. And listening to me whine about my not-that-shitty life." Beth rolls her eyes, but Alison shakes her head.
"I don't believe in minimalizing problems."
She laughs dryly. "Must be the performer in you. Well, see you tomorrow." Beth smirks. "And thanks for the second date."
Alison bites her lip before she leans across the middle console. Beth holds her breath, and Alison's lips land on her cheek, soft and quick.
"See you tomorrow, Beth."
Beth's throat suddenly feels like sandpaper. "Yeah. I… yeah. Okay. Bye." Her legs feel unstable as she climbs out of the car. Alison waggles her fingers in a wave before driving off.
Oh God.
She's so gay.
"Childs, what the 'ell. Where ya been?"
Beth lifts her head from her desk. She doesn't have the energy for physics today. Two days until states and the musical's closing night, and she was up late last night doing her college applications. And homework.
"Doing college applications and training for states, dude. I'm exhausted."
Sarah sits down in the seat next to hers, dropping her backpack on the ground. "Yeah? Well I 'aven't heard from ya all week. Take a break, man."
"That's not really an option right now, dude."
"This is senior year, Beth, come on." Sarah runs a hand through her hair. "You've been so MIA and caugh' up in everythin'. I barely even see ya."
Beth avoids eye contact. "I have stuff to do, Sarah. I can't just goof off all the time like you do."
"Oi, piss off." Sarah scowls. "I'm passin' all my classes."
Beth rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well some of us need to do more than pass, dipshit."
Sarah stares at her. Beth falters under her gaze, the darkness in Sarah's eyes crawling underneath her skin. "You look exhausted. You're takin' on too much, with cross country and the musical, and the vendin' machine proposal. Alrigh', ya need a break, yeah?"
"Sarah I ha – "
"No, listen!" Beth jumps and they both looks around to see if their classmates are paying attention to them, but most of them are messing on their phones or trying desperately to not fall asleep. "Ya look like ya haven' eaten in days. Your eyes… Ya don' even look like you anymore."
Beth sighs, the rare sincerity and seriousness in Sarah's voice making her feel bad. "Alright, well once I get through this weekend, the musical and cross country will be over. And then I can take a break, okay?"
"Yeah, and then it will be basketball and who knows what else." Sarah scoffs. "Jus' take it easy, alrigh'?"
Beth stares at her for a moment before nodding. "Okay. After this weekend, I will."
"Yeah? Alrigh'." Sarah clears her throat, and slumps in her chair. "Did you do the homework?"
Beth glares, but hands it over. "And you wonder why I'm tired."
Sarah opens her mouth to reply, but their physics teacher walks in and immediately starts lecturing. Sarah shrugs at her. Beth sighs and lays her head back on her desk.
It's going to be a long day.
By the time the curtain goes down on Friday night, Alison wants to strangle Donnie. They've had three shows now, you'd think that buffoon could get his lines right.
She storms off the stage, ready to give him a piece of her mind, but she smacks hard into a moving body.
"Goddammit," the person says, grabbing their head where Alison's elbow knocked it.
"Beth?" Alison barks out a laugh. "We have to quit meeting like this."
"Yeah seriously, I'm gonna get a concussion," Beth laughs gently. She pulls her hand away from her head, smiling and looking Alison up and down. Alison feels heat in her cheeks, something that's becoming a regular thing every time Beth talks to her. "You look nice."
Alison looks down at her dress, confused. "I'm just in my costume."
"No, no, not that. Well," Beth tilts her head to the side. "That too. But I mean." She gestures to her face, as if to mirror Alison's. "You look… free. When you perform."
"Well thank you. You look nice as well." And she does. Except… Beth looks tired. Her eyes have dark bags underneath them and her skin looks pale. Alison feels a small pang of sadness for the girl. "How are you?"
Beth shrugs, plastering a smirk on her face. "Oh, good good. You know."
Alison doesn't buy it. "Your race is tomorrow, right?"
"Yep. Tomorrow's the big day." Beth smiles softly, shifting from foot to foot.
Alison senses a current of sadness running through Beth. She rests her hand on Beth's arm. "Well, good luck. I'm sure you'll be wonderful."
"Thanks," Beth says wryly. "Everyone is."
"Hey," Alison murmurs. "No matter what happens, it will all work out."
"Yeah, sure." Beth nods. "I know."
Alison squeezes her arm, wondering why she feels the need to make Beth know it will be okay soon. Alison knows they're friendship (if that's what you could call it?) is recent, but she feels very strongly for Beth. She's not sure if it's Beth's natural charisma or if she just had an instant connection with her, but Alison cares for her. She doesn't want Beth to be upset.
"Do you want to come somewhere with me?"
"Umm, well I have to be up kind of early so I probably shouldn't."
"It will just take a few minutes. We don't even have to leave the school."
Beth raises her eyebrows. "Really?" Alison nods, a smile pulling at her lips. "Well alright."
Alison grabs Beth's hand, her own clammy fingers slipping between Beth's. Alison isn't sure why her stomach flops, but she pushes through it. She leads Beth behind the stage to a metal ladder with a caged wire tube encircling it.
Alison starts climbing the ladder, expecting Beth to follow. She hears a metallic clang behind her as Beth grabs hold of the bars.
"Ali, what hell? Is this the part where you kill me?"
Alison rolls her eyes and pulls herself onto the platform above the ladder. "Don't be ridiculous, Beth."
Beth chuckles and Alison peers down at her in the dim light. When she gets to the top, Alison reaches her hand out and pulls her up onto the platform. It's a tight fit, but Alison stands up and moves across the attached bridge, ducking cords and hanging spot lights.
"Okay, but seriously. What is this?" Beth follows one step behind her and Alison looks back with a smile.
"The catwalk. You didn't know this was up here?"
"Umm. No."
"Oh," Alison says with a smile. "It's not a very well-kept secret that this is here. People try to sneak up here all the time."
Beth makes a humming sound as Alison turns a corner on the bridge. "What's it for?"
"Lighting for the auditorium and the stage."
"Oh."
They walk a little farther down until Alison reaches another platform. She sits down, dangling her legs through the bars of the handrail and over the edge so they're hanging into empty space above the audience seats. Beth carefully sits down next to her, mirroring her position.
"I've always liked this view," Alison says after a moment. She looks down through the lights and the cords, eyes resting on the stage from above. Some of the cast and crew still cross from time to time, but most have begun to pack up and head home for the night.
"Yeah," Beth murmurs. "It's nice."
Alison looks over at her. Beth is staring down at the stage, eyes deep and thoughtful.
"Sometimes I come up here. To get a new perspective."
Beth looks back at her. "A new perspective on what?"
Alison looks back and forth between Beth's eyes. "Just when everything gets stressful and life seems like a tunnel."
Beth smiles slightly. "A tunnel?"
"Yes. Sometimes everything gets so narrow and you just get stuck thinking about where you are in that moment and you forget that there is an end to that moment. Like a tunnel."
"Yeah." Beth looks down at the stage again. "I get that." Her hand grabs Alison's and squeezes. "Thanks."
Alison feels her normally tense shoulders soften. Everything softens. "I just thought I could give you a new perspective."
Beth looks at her, eyes suddenly wide and intense. "You did," she whispers. Her gaze shifts from Alison's pupils and suddenly she's leaning in. Alison's eyes close on instinct the moment Beth's lips press against hers.
It's soft and gentle and Alison's breath catches in her throat. Before she can reciprocate, Beth pulls away.
"I… Shit, Ali. Sorry. Oh my God. Sorry." Beth grabs the handrail and frantically scrambles up.
"Beth – "
"I have to go. Thanks for showing me this."
"Beth!"
Beth doesn't look back. In seconds, she's gone, and Alison hears her feet clanging down the ladder. She glances down as Beth appears on the stage, watching as she moves down the stage stairs and grabs her trumpet case from the pit. Then she's out of Alison's line of sight.
Alison touches her lips. They buzz with electricity.
She remembers the intensity in Beth's eyes, thoughts swirling throughout her brain like thick fog, feeling confused, and warm, and steady.
Beth breaks. She slams her bedroom door, feeling the emptiness in her house, the shaking in her bones. Tears spill over her eyes and she downs the last of her pills.
(She's so dumb. Alison doesn't like her like that. They barely even know each other.)
She falls on her bed, gasping out a cough and trying to control her breathing. She can't afford to do this right now.
(Get it together, Childs.)
(Stupid.)
Beth shakes.
She has her race tomorrow, her big meet. She has to focus. She has to stop crying.
She gulps for air, willing the tears away. They slow and eventually stop, her tense bones finally relaxing. She closes her eyes, letting the darkness engulf her.
Her breathing steadies. Her body softens.
She slips into unconsciousness.
Beth jolts awake, the sun shining brightly in her windows. She groans and rolls over, glancing at her clock.
"Shit!" She jumps out of bed, franticly searching for her track suit. She's going to miss the bus. She never set her alarm. Shit shit shit.
She grabs her stuff and runs out the door, speeding to the school. She just barely makes it, the driver starting the engine as she climbs on the bus.
"Cutting it close, Childs," her coach says.
"Sorry, Coach." She gives him a reassuring smile, eyes seeking out Art in the back of the bus and heading to sit across the aisle from him in her own seat.
"Thought you chickened out," Art says as she pulls out her headphones.
"Not a chance, dipshit." She smiles across the aisle at him then puts her music on.
Beth shakes. She needs to focus.
She breathes.
She turns the volume up loud, trying not to think about Alison, or her empty pill bottle, or the fact that she didn't eat breakfast and everything is shifting around her, a carousel ride of colors.
She's stretching her quads when she feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around, expecting her coach, but her mouth opens in surprise before breaking out in a smile. "Mom?"
She's in her scrubs, the bright blue standing out among the red of their track uniforms. "Hey baby."
"What are you doing here, I thought you were working." She wraps her arms around her mom, sinking into the embrace.
"I wouldn't miss this. I've missed enough." Her mom smiles against the top of her head before pulling away. "I know I have."
Beth shrugs. "You're busy, I know." And she does. She doesn't hold it against her mom.
"Well, I'm here now." Her mom cups her cheeks in her hands. "You're going to do great, Beth."
Beth feels her stomach drop, her nerves catching up to her, her bones shaking. "Mom, what if I don't win?"
"What do you mean? Of course you will, honey."
Beth feels panic rise in her chest. She tries to breathe. She shakes. "But what if I don't?"
Her mom smooths back her ponytail, the back of her hand resting on Beth's forehead. "Just try your best, Beth. That's all you can do."
Beth nods and looks behind her to the starting line. "I should probably…"
"Okay. Good luck." Beth turns to go, but her mom grabs her arm. "I love you, Beth."
"Love you, too. See you after."
She jogs off toward the startling line, where she finishes warming up until they call for her heat. As she stands in her spot, waiting for the horn to go off, the ground swims in front of her. She swallows the dizziness in a breath, focusing her eyes on the track.
Breathes.
The horn goes off. She starts to run.
Beth floats. Eyes like a zombie. Voices drift below her, like a current. They howl like the wind.
Beth breathes. Hands touch her. Pat her shoulder.
Beth sways. Dizzy on her feet, the ground shifts. Her stomach pangs. Her eyes focus. She smiles. She shakes hands.
The medal is cold on her chest. Heavy. Heavier than she thought. She sways. She focuses.
She breathes.
Time passes. Beth floats.
She can feel Sarah's eyes on her, feel their dark intensity on her back. She plays her trumpet. She watches Alison on the stage.
She shakes.
Focuses.
The curtain drops. The audience stands, claps like monkeys. Beth breathes.
Alison takes her bow. Beth stares blankly. Focuses. Floats. Focuses. Breathes.
"Oi, Childs, are you coming to the after party?"
Beth gulps, swallows the dizziness. The ground swims. She stands from her chair.
"Beth," Alison's voice calls. Beth Childs.
She shakes. The ground shifts. Her stomach pangs.
Beth spins, like circus teacups, like clumsy ballerinas. Beth closes her eyes.
Voices drift beneath her like a current.
"Beth?"
"Oh my God! Beth!"
"Oi, someone call 911. NOW!"
BethBethBethBeth.
A hand clutches hers tightly.
She breathes. She sleeps.