Three months after returning to earth Voyager's crew had gather once more to attend the nuptials of Chakotay and Seven. Kathryn had dreaded this moment the minute her older version had told her that Chakotay and Seven were married in her timeline. At least, she smiled without mirth, this time she would not have to perform the ceremony herself. How her older self had been able to do it, Kathryn did not know. She ached at the thought of her older self having to preside over the marriage of Seven, who she had taken under her wing, and Chakotay the man she love with all her heart. And yet here she stood minutes away from having to witness the two profess their love to each other in front of their crew.
The universe really did have a sick, twisted sense of humor she mused. To think that they had been just weeks away from reaching earth, of her being free from the constraints she had imposed upon herself. Weeks before she was finally able to express the true depth of her feelings for Chakotay. Tell him that she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She had been willing to leave Starfleet to have an opportunity to enjoy her relationship with Chakotay. She was not young anymore and she wanted to start a family with Chakotay immediately. Together they would build a home full of love, joy and as many babies as they were blessed with.
Instead she had been standing alone when they blasted into the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay by Seven's side. She'd had to order him to the helm before he left her side. Alone when she disembarked, Tuvok having been whisked away immediately to get help for his disease, and Chakotay so worried about Seven and her reaction, to no longer being in the protective confines of Voyager, that he had requested permission to disembark with her. Alone at the debriefing, she had somehow assumed that it would be Chakotay and her fighting for their crew side by side. Instead it had been her having to give detailed reports on the Maquis, Equinox, and Tom Paris. Her Starfleet crew had been allowed to go home almost immediately after their medical check ups. They were all told to stay on Earth until they were formally released from duty but had been allowed to leave the confines of Starfleet.
She told herself it was for the best, that she needed to start getting use to being without him. She needed to get used to no longer having late night dinners, philosophical, and spiritual discussions to talk and laugh about while he had his tea and she drank her coffee. She would never feel his warm gaze taking her in from across the room, his warm touch holding her back from dangerous situations and his soft voice telling her to reconsider a wrong position. She would miss the way his eyes would darken when she would touch his chest, the smile he reserved only for her and most of the all the feeling of being loved by someone so incredibly wonderful. The wonderful undercurrent that was always felt when the two were in the same room. No longer would the crew make silly bets on whether their commanding officers were actually involved.
She would never know what it felt like to be held by him in the dark of night feeling his warm breath beneath her cheek as she laid across his warm, smooth chest. She would never have little boys with dark, warm brown eyes and soft golden skin that she would love as much as their daddy. Those little boys were now going to belong to him and Seven and those little boys, with the beautiful brown eyes, would never be hers. She felt the tears that she had been keeping at bay for days fill her eyes to the brink but she viciously fought them down.
Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror and smooth down her dark blue chiffon dress, made sure her hair was still in place, and fixed her make-up, which she had applied twice now, and made sure it hide the tell-tale signs that she had been crying. She tried to control her emotions, which had been extremely volatile since finding out about Chakotay and Seven's nuptials. She didn't know how she would handle the next few hours and it scared her. The thought that she would be asked to give a speech about why Chakotay and Seven were meant to be, when her heart was screaming for her to tell Chakotay he was making a mistake. That the women he was suppose to marry was her not Seven. That they were meant to be together forever no matter how cliché it sounded. She wanted to tell him that the life he was planning to live with Seven was suppose to be hers. He was suppose be hers and love her, only her.
All her life she had made sacrifices, pushing her happiness to the back, putting duty first and now would be no different she thought with despair. She would face her crew with a smile on her face, compliment the happy couple and wish them happiness. No one would ever be the wiser, when she left the reception after a respectable time of mingling with her crew, just how heartbroken she was. Thoughts of running away swirled around her head. She would go somewhere she would never have to run into them and the babies they had, watching them gaze at each other. She suddenly slapped the counter sharply, shaking her head trying to rid her head of what she had lost. She needed to lock away her feeling for the next few hours or she would never even make it out of her hotel room.
Kathryn looked at herself once more in the mirror before she left the sanctity of her hotel room.
It was time to lock the dreams that had kept her warm, alive and sane for the last seven years in a chest and locked forever. No one would ever know of the dreams that she kept locked up under a tight rein of her emotions. In her mind she pictured a chest and one by one she threw all of her dreams, hopes and desires into it: Chakotay, sweet little babies that looked so much liked their handsome daddy, a home filled with love, happiness and understanding. None of that was in the cards for Kathryn Janeway so she did as always to survive the pain consuming her. She shut the lid on her treasure chest and locked it up. Heading towards the door she saw her image in the mirror, saddened when she saw a sad, lonely women looking back at her. If she was going to keep up the facade she would have to do better. She took another deep breath and schooled her features.
Once satisfied that she would be a able to make it through the night without giving anything away she grab her green clutch and headed towards the door. She flung the door open only to run into a solid mass of black and white who wrapped her in strong, gentle hands that felt so wonderfully familiar. She was unable to stop herself when she nuzzled her face into his chest, breathing him in. She knew this was inappropriate, so she gathered all her strength and tried to pull away from him but he refused to let her go. She knew that she couldn't allow herself this kind of freedom with another women's future husband, she looked into his eyes begging him to stop. He looked back at her begging her to let him in. She tried to say no but the only word that she was able to choke out was the one solitary word that conveyed all of the hurt and longing KathrynJaneway had been trying to hide.
"Chakotay"