Random Musings of a Cop

Chapter 1: The Art of Pooping and Farting

A/N: I acquired this idea at four in the morning after having a massive headache and not being able to sleep. I figured it's a good idea to have another story in case I have writer's block on Hide and Seek or something like that. This features Aubree Hennigan and is about her thoughts on certain things and conversations she has with those in her life. And, yes, the title of the first chapter came to me at four as well. Yes, it's weird, but that's the way it goes, right? I hope you enjoy this.

Summary: These are Aubree's thoughts and feelings about conversations and experiences she has in her life. Based on ideas that just pop into my head.

Disclaimer (This is the only time I'm doing this): I don't own the TMNT, who are owned by Nickelodeon Studios. I do own Aubree Hennigan and any other characters not associated with TMNT.

"Aubree, have you ever thought about why we poop?" Michelangelo asked me.

I looked at him in surprise. I was in the Turtles' Lair trying to make up for the movie night I'd had to miss due to work. "No, I never gave it much thought," I replied. "What, are you trying to make me puke or something?"

"No, it was just something I thought about," Mikey replied.

"Well, maybe you should ask Donnie about it," I told him. "I don't have the answer as to why we poop."

"Nah, I'll just tune him out," Mikey answered. "But I've always wondered about it. I mean, why is it that sometimes our poop comes out small and other times it comes out big?"

"Probably has to do with the amount of food we eat," I guessed. Why was he even having this conversation with me? It was so awkward.

"Yeah, maybe," Mikey mused. "And what about farting? Why is it that sometimes it smells worse than others?"

"Once again, it probably has to do with the food we eat," I replied. "I mean, when my brother Ben eats beans, you can smell him a mile away."

Mikey laughed. "That happens to me, too," he said. "It drives my bros crazy sometimes. They always know when I eat beans to steer clear of me. Hey, do women fart? I heard somewhere that they can't."

I laughed. "That's a myth," I told him. "I fart just as much as a guy does, though not as often."

"Oh, okay," Mikey said. "Hey can you make a farting sound with your armpit?"

"You know, I don't think I can," I told him. "I remember my brother David once did that and kept saying I was farting when I wasn't. I tried to get back at him by doing it, too, but I never could. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, I can," he said proudly, and he demonstrated. "Once, on April Fool's Day, I made a recording of my armpit noises and kept playing it when Raph was in the room. It was hilarious until he found the recorder and wanted to pound me into the ground. Luckily, Splinter intervened before he could do any damage. I got in trouble though for doing it."

I laughed. "I bet you did," I replied. "You remind me of my brothers. They always used to do stuff like that, too. Ben's always been good at pranks. He played a good one at the precinct this past year where he hid all of the case files we had and said that we'd had a break-in. Everyone was frantic for a while until Ben revealed what he'd done. He didn't get in trouble, but we had to watch out after that."

"Sounds like Ben is a pretty cool dude," Mikey mused. "You think I'll ever meet him?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Mikey," I replied. "I'd love to tell him about you guys, but I don't want anything happening to you. I'd have to talk to Master Splinter first to see what he thinks of it all. I just don't want to expose you right away like that."

"Yeah, that's true," Mikey answered. "But I think Ben would be cool about it. I mean, he seems like the kind of guy who would keep a secret his sister would tell him."

"Oh, he's loyal, there's no doubt about that," I responded. "But I just don't want him to get too freaked out. When the time is right, I'll let him know. I think you guys would get along well together. You have the same personality as him."

"What are your other brothers like?" Mikey asked. He looked almost like a little kid eager for a story before bedtime.

"Well, Greg's kind of like Donnie in a way," I replied. "He's really smart and creative, too. I think he wanted to do something with science, but the work was too hard for him. He's always been into filmmaking, and he decided that he'd change his major and go for a film degree. David's like Leo because he always wants to do the right thing. After Dad died, David decided to join the military because he wanted to fight for our country and do the right thing by avenging Dad's death. It gets hard sometimes to think he's not around and that he could die at any time. It's scary."

"And you're like Raph, right?" Mikey inquired.

I laughed. "Yep, I'm like Raph," I told him. "I'm rash, impulsive, reckless, and I have a potty mouth. Any other questions?"

Mikey shook his head. "Nope, I'm good," he said. "But if I have more, I'll let you know."

"Okay, kiddo," I said, ruffling his head. "I'll make sure to answer them." I looked at the clock. "Well, I'd better head home. I have work in the morning."

"When are you ever going to have a day off?" Mikey asked me.

"Whenever they schedule me with one," I said. "But I had a good time tonight, Mike. I hope we can do it again. It was nice being able to talk to you with no interruptions."

"Yeah, it was nice," he agreed. "You know, I always wanted a sister. I guess I can call you my sister, unless you want something more." He batted his eyes flirtatiously.

I laughed and playfully punched him on the shoulder. "No, I don't want any more," I replied. "I'd love for you to call me your sister if you want to."

"Well, if you marry Leo, you would be my sister-in-law," he reminded me.

"Michelangelo Hamato, since when did you get the idea that I'm going to marry Leo?" I demanded. "We don't like each other in that way. I've only just met you guys and see you as just friends."

"Okay, okay, it was just a thought," Mikey said, holding his hands up defensively. "But do you ever think you could have feelings for one of us?"

"I don't know," I told him. "I'm not thinking about that right now. To me, you're just friends I hang out with, Capiche?"

"Gotcha," Mikey replied. "Just friends and nothing more. Well, I'd better head to bed now before the guys come home."

"Yeah, I can't believe you didn't want to go to the junkyard with them," I said.

"Nah, I just wanted time to myself and my favorite sister," Mikey said. "I had fun, Aub. I hope we can do it again."

"Me, too," I said. "Wait, aren't you going to escort me home?"

Mikey slapped a palm on his forehead. "Oh, right," he said. "I can't make you wait for Leo to come home because I don't know when he's coming back."

"It's fine, Mikey," I said. "One day, I'm going to memorize the way to the Lair and come here by myself. But on the bright side, at least I don't have to be blindfolded anymore."

"Nope, you've earned our trust now," Mikey replied. "Let me get my disguise so I can walk you home properly and show Leo how it's SUPPOSED to be done."

"Hey, don't knock Leo for what he did," I chastised. "He was just being cautious like the ninja he is. Home, James." I've always wanted to say that ever since I heard it on TV once.

Mikey laughed and led me out of the Lair. As we walked we talked more about our lives and exchanged different jokes we'd heard from various people. I had to admit, it was fun spending time with him, and it made me feel better to be away from the stress of my job. I really hoped we'd be able to do this again sometime. Mikey was just a barrel of laughs and made me remember my earlier days before Dad died, and we were a happy family. I longed to go back to those days, but the reality was that I couldn't. I just had to live with what I had now and be happy that I had family and friends who cared about me.

Mikey walked me to my building and leaned in for a kiss. I could tell he was teasing me, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He groaned in disappointment, and I laughed at the look on his face. I squeezed his hand and wished him goodnight. He said the same and watched me walk into the lobby. I gave him one last smile and headed up to my apartment. As I got ready for bed, I couldn't help but be happy about meeting the Turtles. They were truly good friends who would do anything to help me. I only hoped that it would last.

A/N: So, that was definitely random. The beginning of the chapter was the conversation I thought of while lying awake, and the rest of it just came to me as I typed this. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, but it's a good exercise for my brain. Please feel free to review and tell me what you think. Have a shelltastic day.