INTRODUCTION
Mario's High School Days. It is the lowest piece of slime in the disgusting bowels of the dark art known as "fan fiction." If the author, Toasty 64, should happen to be reading this, don't consider yourself insulted; I am the true idiot, for reading such a degenerating piece of what can only be described as crap. It truly brings disgrace on the bright face of Mario. If you would like to ask me if Mario is my favorite game character, I shall respond with a stern "No," and point you in the direction of one Gordon Freeman, of Half-Life fame. However, I grew up with Mario, so he holds a special place in my heart (Not only that, I hate Master Chief). And seeing his image mutilated in such a manner makes me sick. Therefore, I have set out to destroy this disgusting thing with my own work, a parody of a fanfiction, if you will. So, uh, here ya go.
CHAPTER ONE
Our First Day! Holy Shit, a new school!
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is our first day at a new school, and why we're in Japan, I have no fucking idea. Why we came here from Brooklyn is even stranger, seeing as we'd have to fly over the entire country. At least we didn't go the other way. We'd have to go through Amsterdam. Ugh… Anyway, I've got to get to sleep, cause I don't want to be late on my first day!
Luigi.
SCENE ONE
If We're Late, The Teacher Will Wring Our Fucking Necks!
Morning. Mario is casually walking to school. Luigi is there too, but running instead.
Luigi: Mario! Hurry the fuck up! We've got to get to school!
Mario: Why? Is it all that important?
Luigi: Yes, we need to get there so we can make a good impression!
Mario: Why don't we just say some kids were pulling a Columbine at another school, and we stopped to look?
Luigi: Mario, You can be really irresponsible at times.
Luigi was getting farther and farther away.
Mario: What? Luigi, stop running, I can't hear you! Slow down, you're too far away!
Luigi: Hurry up, Mario! I don't want to get the blame too!
Mario: Speak up!
However, Luigi had every reason to be silent, as the sheer size of his new school is… big
Luigi: Whoa.
Mario: Whoa as well.
Luigi: Well… let's go.
Mario: Um… okay.
Mario and Luigi enter the enormous building.
Luigi: Well, I'm gonna go attempt to find my room.
Mario: In case we don't see each other again, goodbye.
Luigi runs off
Mario: Hmm, lets see, my room is number WTF1. That shouldn't be too hard to find.
Speaker: Attention all students! Classes begin in one minute! All students are required to proceed to their classrooms now! Deadly force has been authorized! No excuse shall be accepted! Resistance is futile! Never question authority! Proceed to your classrooms now! Cogito Ergo Doleo!
Mario: Oh… shit…
With this obscene phrase, Mario proceeded to run around the building in panic, until, after rounding a corner, he ran into none other than the school's local egomaniac, Falco Lombardi. They both fall to the floor.
Falco: Hey, watch where you're going, shithead!
Mario: Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I've got to get to class!
Falco: Don't we all.
Mario: Hey, why aren't you heading to class?
Falco: I've got this deal with the school. I repossess some items, and in return, the turrets don't recognize me. Besides, why should someone as great as me spend their time in a classroom?
Mario: I see where you're going. Well, I've got to get to class!
Falco: Keep it real, man!
With this, Mario heads off to his first class. He makes it in on perfect time.
Mario: Whoa. Just made it.
Outside, Mario hears sounds of gunfire and death.
Mario: Well, first class is self defense. This shouldn't be too bad.
Mario hears a break in the gunfire. Through the sounds of death and dying, Mario's teacher, The Postal Dude, enters the room. He takes out a small device, pushes a button, and the gunfire resumes.
Postal Dude: All right you sons of bitches! This is motherfucking self defense! Today we'll learn how to make napalm!
Mario: Why me?
SCENE TWO
The Amazing Archery Club! And New Characters!
At lunch time, Mario proceeded towards the mess hall, but soon encountered a large crowd; among the crowd were Luigi and some other guy named Yoshi.
Mario: Hey, Luigi. What's going on?
Luigi: I was about to ask Yoshi here that. What's going on, Yoshi?
Yoshi: That's the archery club practicing. They've got some nice members. There's their captain, Link.
A young guy with pointy ears walked forward with his bow, and faster than you could say, "Wow, he's got some fucked up ears" he shot an arrow right in the center. The crowd cheers.
Mario: Wow, he's got some fucked up (twang) ears.
Yoshi: Yeah, but watch their most popular member, Falco. Biggest egomaniac ever. He'll probably do something even more incredible.
As Yoshi said this, Falco walked forward, and in the blink of an eye, split three targets with three arrows. Crowd is wild.
Mario: Holy……. Shit!
Yoshi: Yeah, I know.
Luigi: Hey, I wanna be in that club!
Yoshi: Um, that looks like a physical impossibility.
Luigi: I still wanna try!
Yoshi: Um, all right, I'll show you where to sign up. But if it costs me my lunch hour, you, my friend, are fair game.
Luigi: … Okay.
Yoshi leads the group to the archery clubhouse. The… um… signer-upper, Saria, is sitting behind a desk.
Saria: More live targets, Yoshi?
Yoshi: Naw, one just wants to sign up.
Saria: What, the green one?
Yoshi: If you wanna call him that.
Luigi: I'm…
Saria: Hey, buddy, your name's right there on the script.
Luigi: Oh, thanks.
Just then, some small, disgusting creature ran into Luigi's leg.
Luigi: JESUS HENRY CHRIST!!!
Luigi draws his "emergency" .44 Magnum.
Saria: Whoa, slow down! That's just Slippy!
Luigi: What, you mean it has a name?
Saria: It also has, or had, a mind.
Luigi: Oh, okay.
Slippy: BLARGH! GLARGH!
Luigi: Um, hi to you too.
Saria: Well, you're up.
Luigi: Oh, thanks.
Luigi walks into a separate room. We hear the sounds of instruction, then sounds of fear, evil laughter, an arrow flying through the air, and then silence. Luigi leaves the room quietly.
Luigi: We never came in here.
Luigi, through some other means which I will not speak of, phailed at life in most of the other clubs, that was until he went to the SPACE CLUB!!! He was soon having his hand energetically being shaken of by the club president… James T. Kirk.
Kirk: So, you, want, to, join, the, space club. Am, I, correct?
Luigi: Um, yeah, sure.
Kirk: Well, then, welcome, aboard. Just, go, talk, to, Fox, over, there. He'll, get, you, started.
Luigi: Uh, thanks again.
With that, Luigi walked over to the second in command of the club, Fox McCloud.
Fox: Hi. I'm Fox. Don't worry about Jimmy, we'll get him fixed up.
Luigi: Thanks.
Mario: Hey Yoshi, do you belong to any clubs?
Luigi: Where'd you come from?
Yoshi: Actually, I am the president of the cooking club!
Mario: FOOD FOOD YUM YUM YUM GOOD! FOOD! ELMER FOOD!
Yoshi: Yeah, that happened to me too.
Mario: How do I join?!
Yoshi: It's easy: buy me lunch, and you're in!
Mario: FOOD! GO BUY FOOD FOR NICE DINOSAUR! FLINTSTONES MONKEY JACKASS! JACKASS! JACKY ASSVILLE!
Yoshi: Um… was that supposed to sound, remotely, like Johnny Knoxville?
Mario: FOOD FOOD YUM YUM JOHNNY KNOXVILLE FOOD YUM EAT PAIN!
Mario then opened his mouth, and to everyone's surprise, the opening riff of Corona by The Minutemen exited his mouth.
Yoshi: Does that happen all the time?
Luigi: Actually, it's mostly Still by The Geto Boys.
Yoshi: Oh shit! We've wasted too much time! Let's go!
SCENE THREE
The First Confrontation! Mario's Gonna Get His Ass Kicked!
As Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi were walking to the mess hall, Yoshi quickly stopped them both.
Yoshi: Crap, it's him!
Luigi: Mario's already here, Yoshi.
Yoshi: No, it's him, at the end of the hall! The tall one, see him?
Luigi: Oh, the one Mario's talking to?
Yoshi: Yes, him! That's Bowser, the school "extortionist." Wait, what? Oh, it's just Mario. Anyway, he thinks he's really cool n' all, but he's actually just stupid, and he's got seven little retards that follow him around. Three are with him now.
Luigi: But what about Mario?
Yoshi: He's gonna get his ass kicked. Oh, wait, that means no lunch. Go save him.
Meanwhile, not far away…
Mario: Hey, Fatty! Where's the mess hall?!
Bowser: There are only two men who dare insult me, Chuck Norris, and suicidal men. And since I see no beard, I think you are ready to die.
Mario: Well, right now I just want lunch, so get outta my fuckin' way!
Bowser: I see that your ignorance has blinded your common sense. Little Freakies, say your intro speeches!
Iggy: Anyone who dares insult the master shall die a horrible death! And we will bring that death upon you! Behold my green hair, for I am Iggy!
Morton: We will do more than simply bring death upon you! We will banish you to the deepest circle of Hell! Behold my bald head, I am Morton!
Ludwig: The other Little Freakies are at lunch, so they can't come. I'm Ludwig.
Bowser: Ludwig, do you honestly think you should use your intro speech to tell the guy here that the other freaks are at lunch?
Ludwig: Seemed like a good idea.
Bowser: Wrong! You should never waste an intro speech! It strikes fear into the heart of your opponent and gives you a chance to do cool poses!
Yoshi: I told you this guy's an idiot.
Luigi: Yeah. Cool poses, my ass.
Bowser: Freakies, silence those insolent fools!
Freakies: Super Freaky Flying Summersault!
The Freakies, with Tony-winning choreography, go flying through the air in a very complex attack. Mario holds out a fist, and severely injures them all. They hit the ground whimpering.
Ludwig: I can't feel my spine!
Bowser: You'll pay for that! Burning fire breath!
Bowser shoots out a long stream of flame, but suddenly stops where he is.
Bowser: Dammit! Not lag! Not now! Oh, when my modem clears up…
He is suddenly hit in the legs by three separate arrows.
Bowser: OH, JESUS CHRIST! NO SHOOTING LAGGERS! AH!!! GOD, MY LEGS!!!
Link: Yeah, that's what you get! I'm the best fuckin' archer in this school!
Falco: Hey, man, that's not true! I'm the best! And besides, I get more page space!
Link: Well, the cool people don't break the fuckin' forth wall! Wait, what's that?
Falco: What are you talkin' about?
Link: Someone's here. Is that you, Sheik?
Sheik: INFIDELS! FOOLS AND SWINE!
Link: It's you.
Sheik: ALALALALALALALALALA!
Sheik then pulled out a detonator, pushed the button, and exploded.
Mario: Wow. Does that happen often?
Link: Actually, no.
Mario: Well, is that the first time?
Link: Yes, he's dead. And I know who to blame for the detonator…
Just then, one of Link's many, um, female accomplices, Zelda, walks over.
Zelda: Hey, Link.
Link: Hi, Zelda. What's up?
Zelda: Well, I just saw that whole fight n' all, and I thought I should tell you, Bowser got away.
Link: Oh, who gives a fuck?
Yoshi: Oh shit! Lunch hour is almost ove—
Speaker: Attention peons! Lunch hour has ended! Head to your classrooms or face the consequences!
Yoshi: Shit. Well, Mario, looks like your MARLON BRANDO chances of getting into the cooking club are over.
Mario: But, if I don't join, I'll die!
Yoshi: Fine then. Just give me a suitable bribe, and you'll be in!
Mario: But what about the turrets?
Nameless Faceless Character: I took care of that! For the rest of the story, there are no turrets! Goodbye!
NFC pulls out a revolver, and shoots himself.
Mario: Well, that's just beautiful. That's just gorgeous! A dead guy, great.
Yoshi: Shut up and get me some food!
As Mario and Yoshi walk off, Luigi stays behind to wonder.
Luigi: Why are we in this school? Why?!
Teh End
PREVIEW! YAY!
It's test week, and everyone's racking their brains for the big quiz on Friday. Even Mario seems to have some strange force driving him onward. But what the fuck is it! Find out at the next episode, We Want The Best Grades!