A/N:Warning: this fic features mental illnesses and traumatic events. If you are triggered by ANYTHING that could possibly result into mental illnesses or could have something to do with mental illnesses, I highly suggest to not read this fic. (Unfortunately I can't go into detail because of spoilers.) Next to that, I am not an expert on any of the previously mentioned things, so if some things in this fic are unrealistic, far fetched or simply not true, I sincerely apologise. This is a work of fiction that has no connection to actual events, people, etc.
So, despite not being an expert on any of this, I simply couldn't stop thinking about this AU nor write anything else while I was thinking of it, so I just had to get it out of my system. Next to that, there's been a serious shortage of fics in the MakoHaru tag lately, so I wanted to help refill it.
The title of this fic is from a song called "The Light" by Disturbed, which is a song that I think is really fitting for this fic (with the first verse for Haru and the second verse for Makoto.) The title of this chapter is the title of a Dragonforce song, which doesn't have anything to do with this fic.
I'll hope you'll forgive me for any inaccuracy. I've been doing my research online, but of course it can't match up to having first hand experience with things like this, which I do not have. Despite this, I'll hope you'll be able to enjoy this fic.
TW: Mentions of: blood, (attempted) suicide, self harm, minor character death, mental illnesses.
The sound of his sneakers squeaking against the linoleum floor echoed through the empty hallway, accompanied by the quick clacking of heels. Endless of white stretched out before him, yet his gaze was pointedly directed at his feet as he blindly followed the woman who was walking in front of him. With the swipe of a card the electric doors opened and he was led into another corridor. He brushed his fingers over the bandage that was tightly wrapped around his wrist.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Why was it that exactly that day the old lady who lived at the bottom of the staircase, Tamura-san, decided to check on him? Why was it that she had to find him, lying unconscious in a puddle of blood with a kitchen knife right next to his open palm? And why was it that her first reaction was to scream and to call an ambulance?
That wasn't supposed to happen.
When he came to, he was at the hospital. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the face of his mother. There were no tears, no sigh of relief, no 'I'm so glad you're okay'. Instead, he was met with anger and annoyance, with a yell of 'what were you thinking?!'. After almost losing her child due to excessive blood loss, she had absolutely no nice word to say. Accusations were thrown at his head, ones he didn't even dignify with a response. Not that he had the opportunity to, as the yelling had begun the second he woke up and even if his mind hadn't been hazy from almost dying, there was no chance to interrupt once his mother started. His father wasn't even there. It shouldn't have been a surprise that business was more important than his son almost passing away. It had always been like that after all.
Honestly, he didn't know why he did it. It hadn't been his intention. It was an impulse. A reaction. He wasn't suicidal, he didn't mean for it to turn out like this. It hadn't been his intention to die.
And yet, he found himself thinking that he wouldn't have minded if he had.
''Nanase-kun?''
At the sound of his name being spoken, Haruka looked up. Pulled from his thoughts, his mind finally registered that they had come to a halt and were standing in front of a door in a corridor that was livelier than any of the others they had gone through. He didn't really look around to study the new environment, as he would have plenty of time to stare at these walls the upcoming months. Instead, he kept his eyes firmly fixed on the lady in front of him, who was opening the door and she led him inside.
The room was not as small as he had been expecting, yet it was far from large. It was square and relatively empty, save for a single bed against one wall, a desk and chair against another, and a closet and dresser. The walls were painted blue, which gave the room a colder feeling than was probably intended. There was one single window, big enough to light up the room yet too small to go through, which probably kept anyone from trying to jump out, considering that this was the fourth floor.
His luggage was already here; two large duffel bags filled with his clothes, toiletries, and other personal items lying on top of the bed. He would have to see what was left of it. Security was pretty tough here and everything that could possibly be considered dangerous was most likely removed. It would kind of defeat the purpose to let him have anything he could potentially hurt himself - or others - with.
''So, Nanase-kun, this is your room,'' the lady spoke, her tone kind and gentle. A smile rested upon her lips yet her brown eyes didn't show any emotion in particular, shielded with a mask of professionalism. She had introduced herself to him as Amakata Miho, his psychiatrist and counselor for the time being. She was fairly young, probably in her early thirties, though she did give off a wise and mature vibe.
''You'll be staying here with four other boys, all around your age. Each of you have your own room, but the living room and bathroom are shared. I have to work out some things with the administration now, but I'll be back within an hour to pick you up for your first therapy session. I'm sorry, I wish I could show you around, though I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding everything yourself. You can go take a look around or you can start unpacking, whichever you feel like. And if you ever need someone, there's a button beside your bed. If you press it, a nurse should come as quickly as possible. Please don't be afraid to use it when you need to,'' she concluded with a smile.
Haruka nodded to show that he understood before he walked further into the room. Amakata-sensei bid him a short goodbye and turned to leave when she remembered something.
''Oh, and before I forget: if there's anything you want or need, please don't hesitate to put in a request and I'll see what I can do for you.''
''Okay, thanks,'' he said, his monotone voice not sounding particularly thankful, yet Amakata-sensei didn't mention it as she simply smiled again before taking her leave. Smiling was probably in the job description.
He sat down on the bed as soon as he was alone, sighing deeply as he took in his surroundings once more. It was funny how because of one mistake, one stupid action, his entire world could change in no time. It seemed as if the consequences of his actions were only just sinking in, the fact that this was reality only now catching up with him. He hadn't meant for this to happen.
And yet here he found himself, locked up in the juvenile ward of Iwatobi Psychiatric Hospital.
Another sigh left his lips as he chose to start with unpacking. It would be good to see what was left of his stuff as he would be staying here for God knows how long. Besides, he really didn't feel like meeting the lunatics he would have to share this prison with.
Opening one of the bags revealed the haphazardly thrown together contents. Whether that was the guards' doing or his own, he didn't know. The second he had been released from the hospital his mother had taken him home to pack his things before heading directly here. Therefore he barely had time to think of what he needed and what would be allowed, and he just hoped all of his necessities were in here, that he had taken them with him and that they had survived the hospital's screening.
After going through both of the bags and spreading the items out over his bed, he concluded that just a few of his items were missing; all of his pencil sharpeners had been removed from his pencil-case, the mascot key chain that used to hang from one of the bags was now inside of the bag with its key ring missing, and his phone was gone. Next to that a few smaller things were missing, like his nail clipper, but he didn't immediately realise those were gone.
He was glad to see that he hadn't forgotten anything important, even if he couldn't have blamed himself if he had, with his mother breathing down his neck and yelling at him to hurry up.
She had always been like that. Time was money, and she most definitely didn't have the time to care for her 'mentally unstable' son. Having him admitted to an asylum was way easier than having to deal with him herself. She had been practically jumping to sign the papers that bound him here, and directly after the paperwork was done on her part, she had left without as much as a hug goodbye.
That shouldn't have been surprising either. Even before he was 'suicidal', looking after him was too much of a bother for his parents. Since his entire existence was nothing more than a pain in the ass to them, having his grandmother take care of him was an easy solution to all of their problems. He saw them once, maybe twice a year, and for the rest of the time it was just his grandmother and him. His grandmother did her very best to raise him as well as she could, but she was old, not properly fit for taking care of a child twenty-four hours a day, seven days per week. Despite this, she would never turn away her grandson, a child no one else wanted. However, being brought up in this flawed, borderline dysfunctional way had dented his development and who he grew up to be. He would never admit to it, as he was more than grateful for everything his grandmother had done for him, yet the fact that he was admitted to a mental institution for a 'suicide attempt' not long after having turned seventeen was more than enough proof that this was indeed the case.
When his grandmother passed away, it was not a groundbreaking discovery that he was on his own from then on, despite being only fourteen. Perhaps that was when it really went wrong, being left to take care of himself from such a fragile, difficult age. Not fully through puberty yet but having no one left willing to look after him.
With another sigh, Haruka shook his head to rid his mind from brooding thoughts of the past and decided to get to work. It wouldn't be long until Amakata-sensei returned and he wanted to be done before he had to go to therapy, as he figured he wouldn't have much energy or mood left to do it afterwards.
He got up and opened the closet. There were no coat hangers inside, only a couple of plastic hooks. So much for trying to hang himself with a coat hanger, he thought sarcastically. There weren't enough hooks to hang his entire wardrobe on, so he would have to fold most of it to put in the dresser. Not that that would be a problem. After years of living alone, chores were pretty much the only thing he was good at.
Coats, jackets, and thicker hoodies were hung on the hooks in the closet, the rest of the sweatshirts, T-shirts, boxers, and jeans folded and put away in different drawers of the dresser. Luckily his jammers hadn't been taken away, and though he doubted they had a pool here, wearing them could give him at least some sense of home. That, and he was still hoping there was a bathtub.
After he had put away all of his clothes, he quickly put the rest of his stuff away: towels, washcloths, and whatnot on the shelves of the closet, art supplies and other miscellaneous items in the drawers of the desk.
As soon as he finished there was a soft knocking on the door. Haruka opened it and he was met with the same job description smile as before. Amakata-sensei greeted him cheerfully, as if he hadn't just tried to take his own life - which he hadn't, but she didn't know that.
Haruka followed her as she went to the hall they had come through to get here, but instead of walking all the way back to the electric doors, she stopped at a door to their left, unlocking it and going inside. She closed the door when Haruka had stepped over the threshold. He let his eyes roam once more, taking in the new environment since there wasn't much else he could do.
The room had sort of an L-shape, with a desk across from the door and a chair and a two-seater couch to the left. Amakata-sensei took place in the chair and gestured towards the couch. ''Please take a seat, Nanase-kun.''
Doing as she had instructed, Haruka sat down on the brown, leather couch, keeping his gaze purposely averted from the woman in front of him. If she had noticed it, then she chose not to comment on it as she grabbed a notebook from the small table beside the chair. She flipped through the pages and folded her legs, resting the notebook on her lap as she clicked a pen on. With a smile, she turned to him.
''So, Nanase-kun, how are you feeling?''
What was he supposed to say to that? Obviously, he was feeling great. Never felt better in his whole life. Honestly, what was she expecting? Was she waiting for him to burst into tears and spill his entire life story from start to finish? Did she want him to explain why he did what he did so she could label him and stuff antidepressants down his throat? No thanks.
When Haruka didn't respond to her question she scribbled something in her notebook.
''And if you had to rate how you're feeling on a scale of one to ten, one being lowest, what would the number be?''
Another question he didn't bother to answer. What kind of bullshit question was that anyway? Was 'one' dying in agony and 'ten' winning the lottery? What may be a 'one' for him might be a 'five' for someone else. Besides that, he wasn't even sure what he was feeling. He'd been feeling numb for as long as he could remember.
And even if he had known an answer to these questions, he wouldn't have told this woman any way. She may be his psychiatrist as of today, but that didn't mean he wanted to tell her anything. Or anyone else for that matter. The only person he ever trusted enough to share his thoughts and concerns with was his grandmother, but he would never burden her with his petty feelings. He'd already been enough of a burden as it was, no need to increase the weight on her shoulders even more. Therefore he'd always kept everything to himself and that wasn't suddenly going to change.
It was quiet for a while before the pen clicked again and was placed in the middle of the notebook, which was shut and put back on the table. Adjusting in her seat, Amakata-sensei cleared her throat before she spoke again.
''I understand that you don't want to talk about it. You don't know me and everything that happened these past few days is still so fresh in your mind. It's a lot to take in, and that's okay. We're in no rush, and we can work at a tempo you feel most comfortable with,'' she offered. ''Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.''
A tempo he feels most comfortable with? Just being here made him feel incredibly uncomfortable.
Apparently that was obvious, as Amakata-sensei continued, ''Why don't we get acquainted first? You'll probably feel more comfortable once we're more familiar with each other.''
He highly doubted that, but when she smiled at him once more, he just shrugged. She was only doing her job, he supposed.
''Is there anything you would like to talk about, Nanase-kun?'' she tried, keeping her voice gentle and friendly like she had every time she'd spoken to him. ''Anything in particular?''
Once again, Haruka didn't feel like answering her questions, but he could practically hear his grandmother's voice in the back of his head, scolding him and telling him to stop being so impolite. And he guessed she was right. Even if he'd rather be literally anywhere else at that moment, it wasn't Amakata-sensei's fault that he was here, she was just trying to do her job. And on top of that, she had tried her best to put him at ease, even though she had received nothing but coldness in return. There was no reason to be so rude to her. The only person he had the right to be mad at was himself.
''No,'' he eventually mumbled. He could try to convince her that he really wasn't suicidal, but he'd probably get nothing but a condescending smile in return paired with a derisive 'of course you're not'. It would only be a waste of effort, a frustrating one at that.
''Then, is there anything you would like to ask?''
He pondered this for a second, before he decided to just ask. She'd told him not to hesitate to put in a request, after all. ''Can I have a pencil sharpener?''
As expected, Amakata-sensei's smile turned apologetic. ''I'm sorry, Nanase-kun. Pencil sharpeners are on the list of prohibited items.''
Why? Because they could be used to create weapons?
''I'm not going to stab myself with a pencil,'' Haruka deadpanned, a slight frown on his face.
Amakata-sensei chuckled at that. ''I understand that, but that's not why they aren't allowed. It's because of the blade part, actually, that can be used for self harm.''
Well, that was just stupid. The fact that he hadn't thought about that showed that he hadn't planned on using it like that, didn't it? Besides, it's not like he had anything to remove a screw with, so he wouldn't even know how to get the blade out if he had wanted to.
''Perhaps I can try to get you a different kind of pencil sharpener; a mechanical one, but it would have to stay in the living room.''
''Thank you,'' he replied. She was definitely putting more effort into it than she had to.
''I can't promise anything, though,'' she said, grabbing the notebook to write a reminder before turning back to him. ''Anything else?''
''No.''
''Why don't we end it here then, for today? You still have a lot to process, and you still haven't had a chance to take a look around. Why don't you go meet the others?'' she proposed with a smile.
Those words sparked another question in him. ''Why are they here?''
''I'm afraid I can't share any confidential information regarding other patients, Nanase-kun. But I can assure you that none of them are dangerous. I'm sure that most of them wouldn't mind telling you if you asked them, though,'' Amakata-sensei said, her tone suggesting that he should do what her words implied.
''Okay,'' he answered, standing up when she did so as well and he followed her to the door. She opened it to let him out.
''Then, I'll see you tomorrow, Nanase-kun. If you ever need me, please don't hesitate to come to me. Now you know where to find me. I'll come pick you up tomorrow around three, so please make sure you're ready by then.''
''Okay,'' he echoed as he stepped into the hallway.
With a small phrase of goodbye, the door behind him closed and he walked back in the direction of his room. He decided to go look at the bathroom first, and he figured it would be close to where the hallway broadened and the bedrooms were.
The bathroom was to the right, not far from his bedroom and across of what he presumed to be the living room. To his dismay, there weren't any bathtubs - well, the idea of trying to drown himself was scrapped as well. To the left there were three toilet cubicles, to the right there was a countertop with three sinks and a wide mirror above it, and in the back there were three shower cubicles. He noticed that there were three of everything and came to the conclusion that this ward had a capacity of six patients.
He stepped outside then, taking a look around the wide corridor that separated the rooms from one another. Besides the living room and bathroom, there were six doors to other rooms, three on each side. The corridor itself was pretty empty, save for the few tall vases that stood against the walls between the doors, containing large, fake plants. The walls were plain white and a painting hung on one of the walls; a canvas, not a framed picture. The double doors to the living room were open and the wall on the left side of the doors consisted of a wide window - double glass, he presumed -, so he could peek into the room from the corridor.
As he was about to walk into the living room, he stopped when he suddenly heard a noise.
''Pssst!''
Haruka looked around himself, but he couldn't detect where it was coming from. When he didn't respond to it, the same noise sounded out again, a bit more persistent this time.
''PSSSST!''
And that was when he spotted the source. On the floor beside one of the vases next to the living room's entrance sat a boy. Once their eyes met he began to wave him over. Haruka looked around himself once more to confirm that this boy meant him before he walked over, not knowing what else he should do.
When he stood in front of the boy he crouched. The boy was smaller than him, with blond curls on his head and huge magenta eyes that twinkled with mischief. A playful grin rested on his face, making his appearance even more childlike. He looked like he couldn't be older than twelve, thirteen tops.
''What are you doing?'' Haruka asked.
''Ssshhh!'' the boy shushed with a finger against his lips. ''I'm spying on Rei-chan. Hey, hey, are you the new boy Ama-chan was talking about?'' he continued, more whisper-screaming than really whispering.
Ama-chan? He must be talking about Amakata-sensei, Haruka supposed. ''Uh, yeah.''
''I knew it!'' the boy cheered, forgetting to be quiet for a moment before he remembered and harshly whispered, ''What's your name?''
''Haru.''
''Oh, you're Haru-chan! My name is Shouta and I'm a spy!'' the boy, Shouta, exclaimed before he pulled himself upwards on the ledge of the window so he could peek into the living room once more.
''What are you doing?'' Haruka repeated, a bit bewildered by the boy's behaviour. He had expected that the other boys who lived here were strange, but he wasn't exactly prepared for this kind of display.
''I already told you: I'm spying on Rei-chan!''
''Why?''
''Because Rei-chan is a genius! He knows everything. Everything!'' Shouta said, his huge eyes shining with amazement. ''But he'll never catch me, because I am a super spy!''
That still didn't explain why exactly he was spying on the other boy, who could be seen through the window, as he seemingly could just walk up to the guy. The boy in question was sitting behind a computer, his eyes trained on the screen in front of him. He had short, cobalt hair and wore red-framed glasses. He seemed to be a little older than Shouta, but that didn't seem like a good reason to spy on him from the corridor.
But before he could ask anything more, Shouta suddenly yelped, ''We've been caught! Run, Haru-chan!'' Within a split second he shot up, running past Haruka and opening a random door before slamming it shut.
When Haruka looked up, he saw a figure looming over him and eyeing him skeptically. He got up as well, studying the newcomer that Shouta had run away from. He had wine red hair that was tied back in a tiny ponytail, eyes that matched his hair colour and he was slightly taller than Haruka.
''You're the new one, I assume?'' the guy spoke, and as he talked Haruka could see how jagged his teeth were. ''I'm Rin,'' he said as he held out his hand.
Haruka stared at the hand before reluctantly shaking it. ''Haru.''
''I see you met Nagisa,'' Rin commented, nodding his head in the general direction the other boy had run off to.
Nagisa? ''He said his name was Shouta.''
''Oh, then I suppose you didn't meet Nagisa,'' Rin snorted. His gaze drifted towards Haruka's wrist. ''Ah, a suicidal one,'' he observed.
Immediately Haruka's hand went to his wrist as if to cover it up, cursing the fact that he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. ''It was an accident.''
''An accident?'' Rin asked before nodding, ''Oh yeah. I also accidentally slit my own wrists. Hate it when that happens.''
Asshole. It wasn't like Haruka owed him a justification.
''What's with him?'' Haruka inquired, tilting his head in the direction Shouta... Nagisa had gone off to, as to divert the attention away from himself.
''Who, Nagisa? The one you just met wasn't Nagisa, but his alter-ego Shouta. A five-year-old boy.''
''Schizophrenia?''
''Multiple personality disorder. The two often get confused, but they're different. Rei's the one with schizophrenia, actually.''
''Does he have any other alter-egos?''
''A few, but Shouta is the most dominant one. Next to Nagisa, that is. None of them are dangerous, though. The only person he's a danger to is himself.'' When Rin saw the confused look on Haruka's face, he elaborated. ''His personalities switch at random and he doesn't remember what happened during the time other ones came forward. The time span of the switches differs as well. He can switch to a different personality for two minutes before going back to Nagisa, but he can also stay Shouta for days. Don't be offended if he introduces himself to you again once he's back to Nagisa. He most likely won't remember you.''
Haruka nodded in understanding and Rin walked into the living room, vaguely gesturing Haruka to follow him.
The living room was fairly big, but that was to be expected since up to six teenagers were supposed to live here. The walls were painted an obnoxious orange, the colour hurting his eyes. Directly when coming in there was a tv surrounded by three couches, a three-seater across from the tv, two two-seaters in between, a coffee table in the middle. Behind this was a dining table and six chairs. Against the wall far back stood a desk with a computer on top of it, against one of the other walls where the glass ended was a bookcase. There was a doorway to a small kitchen area next to the desk. The room was also decorated with random things that didn't immediately catch Haruka's eye.
''That's Rei,'' Rin said, motioning with his head towards Rei, who was still sitting behind the computer and didn't bother looking up at the sound of his name - or perhaps he hadn't heard it. ''Like I said, he's got schizophrenia, paranoia, a little bit of OCD and... well, what doesn't he have, really?'' Rin laughed at his own remark. ''If you hear a loud scream or hard laughter in the middle of the night, don't be alarmed, it's him. And also don't say anything when he starts bragging about beating himself in chess again or if he mutters something about taking over the world,'' he finished before he added as an afterthought, ''He's doing pretty well on his meds, though.''
That didn't sound particularly well to Haruka, but he didn't comment on it, instead sitting down on one side of the three-seater couch. Rin sat down on the other end.
''He's a weirdo, but he's not a bad guy,'' Rin stated.
''What about you?'' Haruka asked then. It didn't really seem fair that Rin was telling him all about others while he hadn't said a thing about himself yet.
''Clinical depression.''
''You don't look the part.''
''What? Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I lie in bed crying 24/7!''
''That's true. Rin-chan only cries 23 hours per day. He takes one-hour snack breaks.''
Haruka turned his head at the different voice, seeing Shouta... Nagisa leaning on the back of the couch.
''Nagisa? Where the hell did you come from?''
''I've been here the entire time, Rin-chan, didn't you notice? How rude!'' Nagisa teased, laughing when Rin groaned. ''And I just wanted to say 'hi' to our new friend!'' he turned to Haruka then, ''Hi! I'm Nagisa and who are you?''
''Haru.''
''You're Haru-chan, then!''
He wanted to object to the newly obtained nickname, but before he had the chance to speak up, Rin did.
''Why don't you go bother Rei instead?''
''So mean. Rei-chan! Rin-chan is being a meanie again!'' Nagisa yelled, running around the table and wrapping his arms around Rei's neck.
''...That was Nagisa,'' Rin offered. ''Don't worry, you'll be able to tell the difference between Nagisa and Shouta soon enough.''
Haruka doubted that, since the behaviour the boy had shown with either personality in charge was almost identical. If Shouta was supposedly five years old, then how old was Nagisa? Was he mentally younger than physically or did he just have an enthusiastic, borderline childish demeanour?
So far, it had become clear to Haruka that his fellow inmates were all insane, one more than the other, and he hadn't even met half of them yet.
As if he read the distaste in Haruka's mind, Rin resumed speaking. ''The craziest one in here? I'd say it's you.''
''How so?'' Haruka questioned skeptically, not sure if he should be offended considering the person who'd said it.
''Because we don't deny that we have a problem. Unlike someone, we admit it. That's why we're here. Step one of solving the problem is acknowledging that the problem exists. Believe me, nobody gets in here without a good reason. You better get off your high-horse quickly if you plan on getting out of here any time soon, 'cause with that attitude they're not going to let you out.''
''Especially after what happened with Ai-chan,'' Nagisa cut in, back into his original spot behind the couch after being chased away by Rei. He didn't sound so cheerful and lighthearted anymore, and he seemed years older all of a sudden.
''Ai-chan?''
''Ai, he... he used to live here. Tried to kill himself, like you. Somehow he convinced his psychiatrist that he wasn't suicidal anymore, so they let him out. Two days later, he hung himself,'' Rin averted his eyes, grief of recalling it overcoming him. It was obvious that he had been close to the deceased boy. After taking a deep breath, he continued, ''His parents tried to sue the clinic for wrongful death, claiming that they could've prevented it but had been too neglectful when it came to his treatment.''
It was silent for some time, since no one really knew what to say. Nagisa eventually walked away, leaving the living room and taking the memory of his lost friend with him.
''Anyway,'' Rin picked up where he'd left off, ''the point is, they're not going to make the same mistake twice. So I really suggest you just face reality already and start working on your recovery, otherwise you're going to be in here for a long time. I'm sure you have all the reasons to want to kill yourself, but we all do. We all have our mental illnesses and tragic back stories to match. That's why we're here: so we get over that and don't kill ourselves.''
Haruka really didn't feel like being lectured by some guy he'd just met, especially someone with clinical depression. But for some reason, he didn't walk away, instead kept listening as Rin rambled on.
''Nagisa has multiple personality disorder and finds himself in random places, not knowing how he got there. He has big gaps in his memory, of both his childhood and of the presence. One time he was out of the country with his family on a holiday. They were walking through a city one night when he suddenly switched to Shouta. He ran off somewhere, and when he turned back to Nagisa half an hour later, he was standing in the middle of a street in a country he didn't know and that he didn't speak the language of, alone without his parents or sisters. He was ten.
''Rei was a child genius. Highly intelligent and far above average. Was home schooled 'cause his parents found regular schools to be lacking and beneath his abilities. He spent hours upon hours every single day buried in books of high school and college level, while other children his age were out playing. His parents couldn't be more proud and wanted to show him off to the world, so they entered him in all sorts of competitions: from math quizzes to spelling bees, anything you can imagine, really. So on top of his regular studies he had to prepare for these competitions, because he couldn't risk failing and disappointing his parents. This went on for years, until he had a complete mental breakdown when he was thirteen. His parents thought that after taking a break he would go back to normal, but when that didn't happen they brought him to a psychiatrist and he got diagnosed with all sorts of mental illnesses. Turns out he had been hiding everything from his parents for years, afraid to fail them.''
Hearing this story, words his grandmother used to tell him resonated through Haruka's head. 'When you're ten they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person.'
''My father used to be a swimmer,'' Rin continued, ''It was his dream to swim at the Olympics. He was well on his way of fulfilling his dream, when he knocked up my mother and they had me. A year later my sister was born, and my father gave up his dream and became a fisherman in order to provide for his family. In his place, I wanted to fulfill his dream for him, since I felt guilty that he'd given up on it for us. One day my father and the rest of the crew were out on sea when it started to storm. The entire crew drowned, despite being only three kilometers away from shore.
''When my mother heard the news, she was completely distraught. In her panic, she gathered my sister and me and headed towards the docks. She drove far above the speed limit and she was crying so hard that she didn't have a clear view of the road. That's when a truck hit our car, the driver having dozed off behind the wheel. My mother was dead instantly, my sister died later in the hospital from her injuries. I barely made it out alive, though at that moment, I really wished I hadn't,'' Rin laughed, ''In one day my entire family gone and my dreams shattered.''
It was easy to tell that he was only laughing to cover up the hurt he was feeling from speaking of this, from digging up the dark memories and reliving them in his mind. Tears were forming in his maroon eyes and he was biting his lip so hard it was a miracle he didn't start to bleed, especially with those teeth. He turned his head away and took a moment to collect himself.
The story of Rin's past had left Haruka rendered speechless. He wasn't sure what he had expected when Rin had mentioned tragic back stories, but it hadn't been this. To be honest, he hadn't even thought about possible incidents or circumstances that had affected the lives of the boys who lived here to the point of giving them or influencing mental illnesses. Before even meeting them, he'd written them off in his head as a bunch of lunatics , which wasn't fair of him at all. And though he knew this now, he wasn't at the point yet where he was ready to admit his fault, even to himself.
After a while of silence, Rin looked back at him with a slight smirk on his face, as if he hadn't just spilled his traumatic youth to a complete stranger. ''So, what about you?''
''What?''
''What's your childhood tragedy? The memories so disastrous they make you slit your own wrists? The reason you want to kill yourself?''
''That's none of your business.''
''Wow, really? After I told you all of that you're gonna take the easy way out?''
''I didn't ask you to,'' Haruka declared. And he hadn't. It was Rin who had decided to tell him all of this, so Haruka was under no obligation to return the favour.
''Gee, I just figured that since we all live here together, it would be nice to have a little bit of understanding of each other's situations. It was going to come up at some point so it's better to get it out of the way as soon as possible before we start to have all kinds of prejudices against each other 'cause we don't know what's up. The chances were high that you were gonna ask about it once, and...'' Rin trailed off, his sentences losing their power the more he said before it started to sound somewhat unsure. ''I'd rather not have this come up in front of Makoto.''
''Makoto?''
''Also lives here,'' Rin provided.
That was right, Amakata-sensei had mentioned that four other boys lived here, but upon only seeing three of them, only hearing about three of them, Haruka had honestly forgotten there was someone else he hadn't met yet.
''It's better if you don't bring anything like this up in front of him, and definitely don't ask him about his past.''
''Why?'' He hadn't met this guy yet, but the impression he was getting based off of Rin's words wasn't positive.
''Don't get me wrong, Makoto's a good guy. One of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Really, if you met him anywhere else you wouldn't be able to tell there's something 'wrong' with him,'' Rin assured. ''It's just that whenever we talk about something like this when he's around, he gets really uncomfortable. He doesn't say anything about it or anything, but he always distances himself afterwards.''
''What does he have?'' Haruka asked. It was unusual of him to ask something like this about someone he didn't know, as he normally couldn't care less about others, but for some reason he couldn't help but be curious.
''That's kind of the point. Nobody knows. It has to be something, 'cause like I said, nobody gets in here without a good reason. He's been here for years but he doesn't really show any signs of having anything in particular. Isn't on any meds either, I believe,'' Rin said, keeping his voice low. ''Nagisa claims he overheard the psychiatrists and nurses saying that they don't know either. That they've written him off as an anxiety disorder but that that's not quite it. I'm not sure if it's true, since it's Nagisa, but unlike other stories he's told before, I don't have a hard time believing this one.''
This only fueled Haruka's curiosity. Who was this guy and how was he making the gears in Haruka's head turn with wonder without having even the slightest bit of knowledge of him?
''Anyway, if you plan on being friends with him, then take my advice and don't ask him about anything. I already made that mistake once, no need for you to make it again. We used to be pretty close, you know, Makoto and I...''
''What happened?''
''This was back when Ai was still here. One time, Nagisa managed to get the nurses to agree to some kind of sleepover party, and we were all gathered up in the living room. It was in the middle of the night, like, 2 AM or something, and Ai, Nagisa, and Rei had already fallen asleep so it was just Makoto and me. And we were having this kind of moment, you know?''
''No, I don't,'' Haruka replied truthfully. He had never been to 'some kind of sleepover parties' so he didn't know what kind of moments people apparently have at two in the morning.
''...Nevermind. We were all lying on the floor together and Makoto lied next to me, and we were just talking, about anything really, and I thought that if I ever wanted to ask him about it, this was the perfect moment to do it. It was quiet for a little while as I thought about whether or not I should ask him, and then I did. He didn't answer. He pretended to have fallen asleep already, but I knew he was still awake. Eventually I fell asleep as well, but when we woke up the next morning he was gone. Locked himself in his room for three days and wouldn't open the door for anyone. Of course the nurses still came in, but he didn't respond to them either. Then he avoided me for a week straight. He was probably afraid that I'd ask him about it again. After that everything seemingly went back to normal, but it wasn't the same as before. Has been careful and distant since then, very subtly so you wouldn't notice it unless you pay very close attention to it.''
Another silence fell between them as Rin reflected on what he had just told and Haruka tried to digest all the information he had heard. He was still not sure what to think of Makoto, whether he was mysterious or just really strange. Again, it was wrong of him to judge before even meeting the guy yet he couldn't stop himself from wondering, creating a faceless image in his head even if he had no idea what he would be like.
''Don't get the wrong idea, though. I didn't tell you this for you, but for him. 'Cause I don't want you to make him uncomfortable. This is supposed to be a safe place and I won't allow you to make him feel anything but safe. He's a good guy, and he doesn't deserve anything less,'' Rin warned, most likely afraid that Haruka would use this information against Makoto. And Haruka couldn't blame him. Rin didn't know him, so he had all the right to be wary of his intentions.
''I won't.'' That would require effort, effort he wasn't sure he was willing to spend on this person.
''Are you Haru-chan-san?''
At the sound of the unfamiliar voice speaking a weird variation of his name, Haruka looked up and for the first time he was met with Rei's face. Behind the red-rimmed glasses rested purple eyes and now that he was standing, Haruka could see that he was probably around the same height as Rin.
''Don't add -chan and -san.''
Instead of and answer, a hand was suddenly thrust into his face. Hesitantly, he placed his own palm in the proffered one, and it was firmly gripped and shaken.
''Ryugazaki Rei.''
''Nanase Haruka.''
When Haruka answered, Rei finally let go of his hand, which was now slightly aching from the death hold of the other boy.
''It is a pleasure to get acquainted with you, Nanase-san. I am looking forward to the time we shall spend here together and I hope it will be nothing but utmost enjoyable. Forgive me, for I will have to take my leave for now, but I am already looking forward to our next meeting. Now, please excuse me,'' Rei uttered, making sure to pronounce every word as delicately as he could before he turned around and stalked off.
What in the world was that?
Haruka followed Rei with his eyes until he was gone from sight, and then he turned back to Rin with confusion plastered on his face. Upon seeing Haruka's expression, Rin burst out in laughter.
''Oh my God,'' he laughed, ''Did you hear him? He probably spent the past 30 minutes googling how to properly introduce himself.'' When he had calmed down, he continued, ''He's not a bad guy, really, he's just odd. Today was probably off for him, hence the weird introduction. Though, I do believe he's got the entire dictionary memorised, so don't be surprised if he starts spitting shit that doesn't make any sense to a normal person. Well, 'a normal person', I guess we don't fit into that category either...
''Anyway, a few basic things you need to know: we all have limited time on the computer every day, unless you want to use it for studying or something. Rei claims it most of the time, though, insisting that he uses it for 'educational purposes'. We tried to argue that spending hours on Wikipedia looking up random stuff isn't educational, but really, don't go into discussion with him, it's not worth it, so we just gave in and let him do what he wants. It's not like there's a lot to do on that computer anyway. Some sites are blocked, and even if they weren't, the computer's under constant supervision. The nurses can always see what we're doing, even when using incognito mode, so I don't recommend that either,'' Rin smirked, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way.
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Haruka sighed at what Rin was implying.
''Next to that we have a game console by the TV, but it's not like we have any exciting games. Only PG-rated stuff without violence and shit like that, so I hope you like Mario. If you want anything, you can get drinks or snacks from the kitchen over there,'' Rin pointed at the doorway. ''For real food you'll have to wait until the nurses come. We usually eat lunch and dinner here together, but we all eat breakfast in our rooms since we all wake up at different times and have different routines and such. Oh, about that: when using the bathroom, make sure you always leave the right sink, toilet, and shower free. Rei is very specific about those things and it can ruin his entire day if he has to use another.''
Haruka nodded. He would have to try to remember that then, in order to prevent any unnecessary conflict.
''If there's anything else you need, you can either go to the nurses' room, which is the first door to your left when you walk into the hall, or you can go to your psychiatrist. I'm assuming you're also under Amakata-sensei, right?''
''Yeah.''
For some time he sat in the living room, talking with Rin - well, Rin was talking. Haruka himself was mostly listening, adding commentary only when he was asked something or when he thought necessary and his mind drifting off between sentences. After a while he excused himself and retreated to his room to let all of the information he had been given sink in. All that socialising was pretty tiring, especially for someone as introverted as him.
During his conversation with Rin, Haruka had learned that Nagisa was actually almost sixteen and that he was older than Rei. Being the eldest, Makoto was kind of like the big brother of the group - or the mother, Rin had jokingly corrected. (Upon realising that he was the oldest now, he sincerly hoped that Makoto would keep his role and wouldn't pass it on to him. Not that he would fulfill it any way.)
When Haruka got to his room, he immediately plopped down on his bed. A deep sigh left his lips. He was exhausted, mentally rather than physically and he had a pounding headache, and yet for some reason he couldn't stop thinking about what Rin had said, or specifically, what he had said about Makoto.
Though he had only been given a few pieces of the puzzle, they just didn't fit together. Somehow the story didn't make much sense. Not that he thought Rin had been lying to him, he simply couldn't see what Rin had to gain from telling him lies about other boys - except for his own amusement, perhaps, but he had seemed to be quite serious. Yet it still felt as if there was something off about Makoto, or rather, what he had been told about him. There was just something about him having been in a mental facility for years yet no one having ever found out what was 'wrong' with him. If he was seemingly normal then that should be enough reason to discharge him. Unless Makoto's parents were like his own and preferred to let others deal with their son.
Whatever it was, it really didn't matter. All of that was Makoto's problem, not his. No need for him to give himself an even bigger headache over something that didn't concern him.
Haruka turned to his side and curled in his legs, willing himself to stop thinking and wishing that sleep would take him. Unfortunately, despite his exhaustion he couldn't seem to find his rest. So he was left to contemplate the mess he had worked himself into and how he was going to get himself out of it again.
The rest of the afternoon he stayed in his room, lying on his bed to avoid having to interact with people. He could only take so much per day, and he was far over his limit now. Therefore, when dinnertime came, he waited until someone came to his room rather than joining the other boys.
After dinner he didn't take much time to digest before he went to the bathroom. Still upset about the fact that there weren't any bathtubs, he opted for a quick shower so he could return to his room as soon as possible and hopefully avoid running into someone. He went back to his room after brushing his teeth. Luckily he hadn't seen any of the other boys.
Inside his room he immediately went to bed. Despite never having been a night owl, this was definitely the earliest he'd ever gone to sleep. Or tried to go to sleep. All he wanted was for this day to be over so he could escape reality if only for a brief moment, but like before, he couldn't seem to fall asleep. Tossing and turning on his mattress, he stared up at the ceiling and sighed for what felt like the hundreth time that day.
The upcoming months were going to be long.
A/N:
Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it.
I'm not sure when the next chapter will be, as I'm going to write the next chapters for my other MakoHaru fics first, but I hope it won't be too long, but forgive me if that's the case. I'm hoping to update this as quickly as possible.
I hope you'll all have a wonderful day and hopefully until next time!