Caned

by Invisible Sun

Disclaimer: The Almighty Joss and Co. own...I'm just borrowing their wonderful creations. I promise to give them back....really....

Keywords: Angst, Buffy POV

Spoilers: Post-'Lessons'

Rating: PG

Summary: Buffy gets back to Spike. Yeah, I know, there will probably, like, a million stories similar to this, but, ya know? I don't care.

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I didn't get back to the school basement until after midnight. Needed to make sure Dawn was asleep. No way was I going to let her see him. Not like this.

God, what happened to him?

Slowly, I opened the heavy metal door and stepped inside. I spotted him the dark corner, huddled against the wall. He was whimpering again. I didn't want to be affected by the sound, but it was so heartbreaking.

"Spike?" I whispered.

He held his head in his hands and muttered, "She won't understand it. She can't understand it." He laughed that same harsh crazed laugh again. "I don't understand it. Never understand it."

Worried, I knelt down in front of him. "Spike?" I whispered again.

This time he looked up. But not at me. At something behind me. I turned to look.

Nothing was there.

I looked back at him. He seemed to be listening intently to whoever was supposed to be behind me. Suddenly, he jumped to his feet and moved away from me.

"What do you want from me?" he asked.

I stood up and approached him carefully like I had done earlier when I first saw him.

"Leave me alone!"

I didn't know if he was talking to me or not. But if he was, I wasn't going anywhere. Not until I found out what happened to him. What had managed to break him.

"Spike? What happened to you?" I asked as quietly as I could.

He laughed again. His laugh was truly scaring me. It was almost like he....wasn't 'home' anymore, if you know what I mean.

"I...tried to make it right," he mumbled finally.

"What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking a-" he chuckled, "I haven't told you?"

Confused, I shook my head.

His attention is pulled away again by the unseen force. He began to pace around the room wildly, running his fingers through his messy hair.

"No, no, no! You don't understand. She can't know. Not now." He paused for an instant. "Not ever." He took a few more steps before dropping himself to the floor again.

"No. Don't make me. Please. I can't. I can't tell her.... Can't tell her about the soul. She wouldn't understand..."

Wait a minute! What was Spike talking about? Soul? He has a soul now?

"Spike?"

He froze and his eyes slid over to where I stood. He had obviously forgotten I was there.

He rested his head against the wall behind him and laughed again.

"I guess she knows now," he muttered.

I didn't want to believe it. Couldn't believe. In that instant, everything I believed shattered like thin glass.

"H-how?" I asked shakily.

In a child-like voice, he said, "I just wanted to make it right. But I didn't. Made it worse." He laughed for a second before his voice choked up. He his face in his hands, "I bet he's laughing now."

"Who? Spike, who are you talking about?"

"What does it matter?"

I kneeled down in front of him, "Spike, please. You're not making any sense. Just, please, tell me what happened?"

His eyes slid close. He took a deep breath. "I went to find a way to fix it. Did I ever. Thought it'd make everything go away." He released the shaky breath, "But I was foolish. Didn't realize the pain. "

I wrestled within my head with comforting him or running away. Part of me wanted nothing more than to pull him into my arms. But another part of me, the Slayer, wanted to run. And fast.

When he began to cry though, staying won. I couldn't bare hearing it anymore. I pulled him close. He rested his head in the crook of my neck. He sobbed until he couldn't bring anymore tears to the surface.

I noticed a wetness on my cheeks. I brushed it away. I had been crying, too.

Looking down at him, I noticed he had fallen asleep. Probably the first time in a long while. I brushed a kiss across his head. I knew I couldn't stay here. I was needed at home. So, gently and carefully, I laid him down on the floor. I promised myself that I would return here as soon as I dropped Dawn off at school.

I whispered ever so slightly, "I'll be back. I promise." And with that, I left.

The End