"Everything In Its Right Place" by Caley, a.k.a. Cayster
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "One Tree Hill" or its characters. Nor do I ownRadiohead or their songs. I am not profiting from this story in any way, shape, or form.
Summary: Peyton just finished painting her doors over and she's left there to think over the past few days and her actions. One-shot with Leyton.
Pained.
Erased.
Hidden.
Kept.
Those were the words Peyton mulled over as she looked at her freshly painted closet doors. Ever since Brooke flew out of her room in a fury, Peyton had this feeling to get rid of Brooke's one bargaining chip over her rights on Lucas. Now, she just felt as if she was rebuilding walls she thought she burned down when Ellie made her promise to live life to the fullest. That was Ellie's one legacy and Peyton felt as if she was ruining it by relapsing into her dark, angsty artist mode. It was like her default button.
Huffing, Peyton sat down in her computer chair still staring at the painted black doors as
Kid A by Radiohead echoed and bounced off her walls. She didn't know why she was listening to such an album; it was kind of ironic. Even though Peyton knew she didn't steal Lucas or even come close to doing that, she felt as if she was a thief because she stole Brooke's trust. Peyton laughed bitterly, like she even got it back to begin with.
She turned to her computer screen only to find her background a picture of her and Brooke hugging one another and giving each other bunny ears. They were so happy two days ago, yet two days after that Kodak moment, they let a boy get in between them again and all these insecurities came up once more. That twinkle in Brooke's eye wasn't going to be there when she would see her in the halls, and that made Peyton so sick to her stomach. She hated herself for that.
Tears stung at her eyes as she stared at the picture of her ex-best friend. Peyton didn't want her longest, most constant friendship to be done just like that. Brooke was there when her mom died; she was their when Ellie died; she was there for so many firsts; she was there for her accomplishments and defeats; more so, she was there when no one else was around.
But Peyton had to do this. She had to confront Lucas about her feelings once and for all because if she didn't, she would regret it the rest of her life. Peyton didn't want to look back on her life and just feel a bunch of regrets or have a lot of what if's. She wanted to know that she went for everything that came across her path and had a conclusion to every mean possible. She wanted to tell her children and grandchildren that living life is the best thing they could do, just like Ellie told her. And this was the first step to do that, by loving and letting your love be known to the person you love.
Lucas was her first love and he will probably always be that one person for her. He knew exactly what to say and when to say it. He chased after her and now she was going to chase after him. They had something she hasn't had since they were together and she needed that in her life. Even if he rejects her and tells her that he loves another, she would know that she went for it and she did all she could do to live in that moment… to love and not be afraid of doing that.
Though, that doesn't mean that she didn't feel tired of being waist deep in this, whatever it was. Pain? She didn't want to feel it or cause it anymore. Peyton just wished that Brooke would've been more understanding so that she could finally just breathe in air without having her heart ache in some way. She felt as if she was either always in pain for secretly loving Lucas and not being able to express that openly or missing Brooke because Brooke was in love with Lucas as well and wanted nothing to do with her… and you can't have you're cake and eat too— whatever that means.
Peyton shook her head. She didn't know why life was so hard, but then again, if it wasn't a constant challenge, then why would it be worth living if it was so easy? You have to fight for something you loved or wanted and this was the same case. She loved Lucas and Brooke was just going to have to accept that. Either she will or she won't. It was as simply complicated as that.
So that's why she painted her doors over the claims…. To finally have this sort of symbol for freedom; freedom for loving whomever you wanted when you wanted to. A piece of wood shouldn't tell someone how to love in the first place. That's just stupid.
Peyton clicked on her podcast link and readied her microphone to speak into. When the site popped up, Peyton bent down closer to the mic and breathed in an encouraging breath because she was finally going to take charge of her life and how to live it.
Just barely above a whisper and with the fullest genuine feeling she could ever contain, she began, "Love. It's something we will all experience at some time or in some way. Someone incredibly sappy once said, 'It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.' As much as I want to rebuke that statement, I can't. Because I, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer, am in love with someone who's in love with someone else… that someone else being my best friend. Yeah, I know, that's pretty messed up."
Peyton laughed at the thought of the love triangle she was always crazily mixed up in. "Well," she continued, "you can't help who you fall in love with even if you're trying to forget about that amazing feeling you get by just thinking about him because that guy is off limits. Now," her voice became very shaky, "I can't anymore because it hurts too much."
She couldn't believe that she was actually doing this now— a profession for anyone to hear, especially that anyone being Lucas. Peyton looked up at the ceiling trying to gather as much courage to say what she was about to say… the most honest thing she would ever say since her confession to Brooke a few days earlier. "Oh God, I can't believe I'm going to say or do this, but I need to because I've held it in too long…. So here goes nothing, I'm in love Lucas Scott." Peyton could imagine the gasps at the point once whoever listened to her podcast reached it. "So yeah, that's that and I needed to get that off my chest and this is my therapy, so deal with it if you don't like it."
Peyton quickly clicked the stop button on the podcast and slumped back into her chair and just let all of her emotions come out.
The next day at school, a few people every now and then would look at her differently or give her an encouraging smile. Peyton supposed it was because they were a percent of the thirty people who listened in on her casts. Even Brooke gave her an unusually meaner look every time they crossed paths—either Brooke tuned in to her podcast last night or Peyton's confession was the newest and possibly even the juiciest scandal in the school. Whichever way, Peyton didn't care because she was pursuing her heart and putting herself first for once in her life. But after more and more people began whispering as she came into their vicinity, she decided that it was time to make the library her escape away from all of the gossip.
Solace met her as she opened the heavy wooden doors and entered the serene room. Peyton always came here when she needed to collect her thoughts and reflect or even just sketch because people were pissing her off. She guessed she liked the quiet because it was probably the only place in all the places she visits each day where there is either no music being played or barely any chatter. Peyton liked the silence… at least for a few minutes each day.
She decided to retreat to the tables near the windows in the back because usually no one was there since many rows of bookshelves hid them from view. Once Peyton turned the last corner to her reach her destination, she deeply regretted it because Lucas sat bent over reading a book. He must have noticed movement in the corner of his eye because he turned to look at her. When he saw that it was her, a special smile came across his lips… as if he was expecting her.
"Hey Peyton," he said quietly as he closed the worn paperback—no doubt Ray Bradbury—novel.
Peyton smiled awkwardly and slowly walked over to his table and replied, "Hey Luke." She set her messenger bag on the table and took a seat opposite from him. He was looking at her intently and Peyton really couldn't bring her eyes to meet his endearing blue ones. They sat their together for a few minutes in an unnatural silence. Finally Lucas broke the uncomfortable stillness.
"I listened to your podcast last night, Peyton." He said simply without giving a hint to whether he hated or loved her.
Peyton's stomach flipped inside of her and she felt as if her rash profession was the stupidest thing she had done and it was probably going to kill their friendship let alone any chance of them ever being together again. Peyton had never been as horrified as she was now.
"Peyt, look at me." Lucas demanded softly, lovingly.
She grudgingly caused her hazel eyes to meet his blue ones. Peyton found them to be the brightest she's seen them in months. He slowly took a hold of her unclasped hands and enveloped them with his coarse ones.
"I don't know how to say this, but I'm going to anyway," he stated as he played with her hands. "I love you, Peyton, but--"
Peyton cut him off, "Don't tell me, 'you're in love with Brooke.'" She didn't know that her bitterness and anger could grab a hold of her like that so quickly. Lucas looked a little taken aback by her quick verbal lashing.
Continuing very nervously now, "No, I guess approached this entire thing in the wrong way." Lucas looked up at the ceiling trying to grasp what he was trying to say. Peyton felt guilty for being so abrupt and rude now because he looked so lost and confused.
"Brooke broke up with me at Nathan and Haley's reception." Peyton looked at him as if she couldn't believe her ears, but said nothing. "And, ugh, I really want to tell you something, but I'm so afraid of becoming that guy I was our junior year that hopped from girl to girl."
"Lucas," Peyton replied softly, "you could never be that guy again." She looked up at him to see that he was very surprised by what she said. His eyes swirled with love—with that twinkle he used to get when they would tell each other that they loved one another.
"That's why I'm in love with you, Peyton," Lucas professed in a way that it made it seem as if he just realized it himself, "because you make me want to be a better guy."
Both of them looked as if this emotional confession had once again thrown them for a loop. Finally, Lucas leaned over the table and cupped the side of Peyton's face affectionately and kissed her in a very chaste and loving way where nothing in the world would cause Peyton to reconsider his feelings about her.
Everything in her life seemed to be better just knowing that Lucas loved her back. It was in incredible feeling that she hadn't felt ever since her junior year. In Peyton's book, seizing the day was kick ass!
They finally broke from their genuine kiss and looked at each other smiling brightly. "What would you say if I got tickets to the Radiohead show?"
Peyton laughed and then gave Lucas a quick kiss before saying, "I'd say that I fell in love with the right boy after all."
Author's Notes:
This story was probably the corkiest and angstiest one that I've written ever. When I say corky, I mean like it was very natural for me to write. I hope you enjoyed reading it and I would love to know what you thought of it! Thanks so much for all of your support; it means so much just to know you take your time out of your day to read it. Thanks so much for that.
I know I said it was a few days after the whole big blow up and the "get together" is pretty sudden and rushed, but this is a one-parter and it probably would've sucked to ya'll if I just had Lucas say, "Wait for me," like I was intending him to do, but I thought about it and decided against it. So yeah, that's just tell you my reasoning on that.
Again, thanks for everything! You guys are so amazing!