Out. Everyone out!

Is it too much to ask? Why do i even have to ask.

This is my pain. This is my tragedy. Mine. I don't want and I don't need to share it with anyone.

I just need everyone out.

The silence is comforting. And extremely scary. I wander around the house, without purpose. Observing everything but not seeing anything.

Then i feel it. The guilt, the regret, the sorrow, the anger. It's like a shiver running through my body, exploding in my stomach and bringing me down.

I deserve this. I deserve every second of it.

I cannot contain it anymore. I let it take over.

I start screaming.

All these photographs of happy memories are silently observing, judging every one of my actions. I tear them apart, I throw them around. No one is allowed to witness my breakdown, no one is allowed to know what I have become.

I deserve this.

I welcome the pain from the glass cuts. But i'm numb. i keep on screaming, yelling, trying to ignite a reaction.

But the silence is still there. And everything is so cold.

I can't stand the cold. not anymore.

I head for the garage. The tanks of gasoline are still there. And I smile. Here's the solution. I won't be cold, not anymore.

I set everything on fire. Every piece of memory burns along with the living room.

The smoke is suffocating.

What am i doing? Why am i trying to kill something that can't be killed?

I start crying and screaming. Again.

I need to save my memories, I don't want to lose the only thing i have left.

I make my way to the garage once again, I grab the fire extinguisher and go back inside. I try to salvage what i can.

Stop burning, memories!

The fire is finally out.. What have i done?

I am sorry, Mama. I am sorry, Daddy. i destroyed everything, i ruined everything. I couldn't save him. I am not who you wanted me to be. I am.. I don't know what I am anymore.

I realize I'm shaking, hugging my knees and lying on the floor and what's left of granma's old rug.

There's silence everywhere.

And then i feel it. He is here. I can smell him in the air, I can feel his warmth.

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't ask any questions. He understands. He just lies down next to me.

And suddenly it's not cold anymore. It's warm, familiar, reassuring.

His arm hugs me tight. I'm at peace. And I can feel he is too.

"I believe in you."

My right hand finds his and hugs it tightly to my chest, trying to convey everything my words failed to.

And he understands, like he always does.