Disclaimer: I don't own them, I didn't create them, and I don't profit from them. I do, however, enjoy them immensely, and as always, I'd love to buy George and Jorja a cup of coffee.
Author's Note: I watched 'Overload' last night and it got me thinking about how Nick deals with what happened to him when he was nine. This is set current time.
It's always the rain that does it, and I think that I'm thankful that it doesn't rain too often in Las Vegas because then I think I might never sleep. I hope that she can't tell that I'm awake, I really don't want to have to explain to her why I've woken up in a cold sweat and why I'm shaking like a leaf while I try and get my breathing under control. I'm thankful that she didn't wake before I woke up because at times like this, I'm not sure how I would react if she had touched me with those images flying through my mind.
I can feel my heart rate slowly getting back to normal and I wonder to myself as I stare up at the ceiling in my darkened bedroom just what she would say and what she would do if she knew my secret. I know that I should tell her; we're trying to build a life together and it's secrets like this that make it that much harder.
Deep down, I think she would understand, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I let out a deep sigh and I feel a sob deep down in my throat instead and suddenly I feel tears springing to my eyes. I want nothing more than to have her wrap her arms around me and hold me, to let me take comfort from her being here, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I tell her my deepest darkest secret that she'll run, or worse, that she'll pity me. I don't think I could handle Sara's pity.
I feel like I'm out of control and I only hope that the sound of the rain is drowning out the sobs, which I simply just can't hold back any more. I need her desperately, and yet, I don't want to wake her. She sleeps so seldom that I know how much she needs her sleep, and for whatever reason, the sound of the rain seems to calm her.
I shift my weight and roll away from her to try and bury my face in my pillow. I don't want to burden her with this; it's a hard enough load to carry alone. It's not just the dream this time it's the vulnerability I feel lying next to Sara wondering if this piece of information would make her leave me.
Her soft voice pierces the darkness and the sound of the rain. "Nick?" Her hand is on my shoulder. "Nick?" When I don't answer, I feel her slide an arm around my waist and mold her body against my back, her lips placing feather light kisses on my neck as she makes soothing noises.
It takes a while, but finally the sobs stop and I feel more exposed than I've ever felt in my entire life. I don't know how I can tell her, but I don't know how I can't either. She needs to know, I know I can trust her, I just don't know if I can trust myself. I want to take that horrific night away, but I know it's helped to shape me into the person I am today.
I hear Sara whisper again. "Do you want to talk about it?" I know her, she'll want to hear every detail and see what she can do to find a logical solution. Only this isn't something that fits that mold.
"I'm sorry." It's the first thing that comes to my mind even though I know I've got no reason to apologize.
She nuzzles my neck and I can feel myself relaxing against her touch. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's ok." She's known me a long time, and while I guess you could call me a crier, I think she knows that this is different. "I'm here."
The rain is still falling hard outside, but somehow with Sara here, I don't feel as overwhelmed. I turn in her embrace and in the dim light that filters through the blinds I see her brow furrowing at my tear streaked face. She reaches up and brushes traces of those tears away and her expression is soft and welcoming. There is so much about her that amazes me and once again I'm struck with how it surprises me that she wants to be with me.
Her breath is warm against my cheek as she whispers words I will never tire of hearing from her. "I love you."
"I love you too." There is a crack in my voice, but at this moment, I don't care. She hasn't run away yet and there is a glimmer of hope that she'll understand and that she'll love me even if she knows.
Her lips feel so soft against mine and I think to myself that I would give just about anything to be with her like this forever. I want to get lost in her touch and in her embrace and forget about that dream and those images for a while; and for a time, all of that is blocked out as Sara and I love each other slowly.
The rain has stopped now and as we're lying there Sara's head is resting against my chest and I'm just holding her. She feels so good in my arms. I know that I need to tell her and I know that this is the moment. I begin slowly. I tell her how I used to like the sound of the rain and that I used to look forward to it because it didn't rain much where I lived in Texas. And then I tell her that it all changed one night when I was left home alone with a last minute babysitter when I was nine. Now the rain has a different meaning, it brings back different memories, memories that I can't seem to block out.
I'm not sure what she's thinking because she's so quiet, but then I realize that I've just felt a tear fall on my chest and she's crying. She's crying, but at the same time, she's holding onto me for dear life and I realize that she's not going to run.
"I love you, Nick." Sara's voice is so soft, and it's full of such intensity. I have no doubt that she means exactly what she says.
I feel as if a huge weight has just been taken from me. I've just shared the worst moment of my entire life with the woman I love and she still loves me. I feel hope building inside me; hope that I can build a future with her, a strong future. "I love you too, Sara."
I feel her relaxing against me and her breathing evens out as she drifts off to sleep. I can feel myself slipping as sleep begins to claim me too. I don't feel so afraid anymore and if the rain comes, as I know it will again, I know that Sara will be here with me and I don't have to face it alone.
The End