"Blah"-mind speak
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He decided that I was too "out of control", whatever that means. So he scheduled a meeting with the order, with me as the guest of honor. No dry eyes were left in that room, when I departed. Even Snape with sniffling, trying to keep a hold on his emotions. It was strange to suddenly feel like everybody cared. I was hit with a wave of guilt for making people that seemed to care about me cry. The looks on their faces will never escape my dreams, never escape my thoughts. Part of me is glad that they feel remorse for what they made me go through, but the look on the Headmasters face, could have never been avoided. He looked so old, so sad, so….defeated. We were bound to have that conversation, the one that told them everything.
Flash Back
Everyone gathered together in the Headmasters office after dinner. You could hear a pin drop.
"Harry, my boy, how are you?" Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, asked.
I stare at him with a face many have come to see, and many have come to dread. Because they know this face, they know they won't get anything out of me. I have closed off from the world, no emotion, no expression, no life.
"Harry please don't look at me like that, we all care about you, please tell us what's happening," Dumbledore pleaded. I almost laughed if it wasn't so foreign to me. Who ever heard Dumbledore, defeater of Grindlewald, ranked one of the most powerful wizards in this time, pleading, begging, the boy who lived to confide in them. Instead I just look into those once twinkling eyes.
Dumbledore sighed, looked down. He inhaled a shaky breath to keep his emotions straight, no use crying if the boy can't feel. I heard him think; oh didn't I tell you I'm a telepath, an empath, a seer and an aura reader. I snorted, he looked up.
"OH Dumbledore I do feel, I feel pain, remorse guilt, regret, and worry. Feeling is not the problem, living is." I snarled out, watching my old mentors face contort in guilt.
I turn my head, to a magical creature called a phoenix, her name is Fawks.
"What do you think Fawks. Think they'll send me to St. Mungo's for telling them my life goal", I asked Fawks through our link.
"It is your choice young one, guide the conversation, it is your life," the mystical bird replied.
I nodded slightly, and turned back to face Dumbledore. Slowly I realize that this talk was inevitable. I should get it done while I'm here. I looked down, not yet defeated, but getting there.
"Do you know how long I have felt nothing, I have felt nothing since I realized the only living family I had left, hated me. I was 2. And I was stuck with them, because the man, who was worried about my safety, didn't bother to check the family. Do you know what they did to me, while I lived there? I was their servant, I lived under the stairs, I was punched, kicked everyday, I was raped when I turned 8 and everyday since then, I started to get whipped when I came back from school when I was 11 and I started to get sold for the night when I was 13." With each occurrence I stated I watched the members in the room flinch, and gasp. "Even as I turned 18, I was a prisoner in my own mind"
"What are you talking about, your of age, your free" Snape said, not unkindly, just curious.
"Ha," I laughed bitterly, "Free? FREE?!, you want to know my freedom!"
I pulled off my black band tee and held out my arms, making sure my forearms were facing forward. There were many gasps as everyone in the room, stared at my scarred flash.
"This is my freedom. Living among an abusive family, I have learned to love the pain, love the blood. I learned to love it so much; I do it to myself now. AND IF ANYONE TAKES AWAY MY FREEDOM, SO HELP MY MERLIN, I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" I shouted with such venom the order backed away in fear. My breathing was erratic, I was shaking in anger. I looked to see Dumbledore's reaction to my outburst only to notice him close to tears once more, "We have failed you Harry," he said before hastily getting up and walking to his private rooms.
Sensing the end of the conversation, I got up and walked out of the oval office. Leaving behind a very silent room.
End Flash Back
That was last night. I'm getting ready for lessons this morning. Double potions first. I'm not really looking forward to all the teachers looks of guilt and pity. Though I do find a strange comfort in the looks of guilt.
All the other boys have gone down to breakfast, I'm not hungry. So I'm in here trying to make myself look presentable. I decide on tight black pants, white vans, and a black HIM tee shirt. When my clothes were on I picked up my black and white checkered belt and slid it through my pants hoops. I grabbed my black hand gloves and studded bracelet and put them on. I walked in front of the mirror to check my look.
"Fab-U-lous," the mirror said. I smirked. I got ready to walk out of the lavatory, when the mirror said, "don't forget the eyeliner, darling"
"Oh yeah, how could I forget the most crucial part of my outfit," I asked myself. Hurrying to get my black eyeliner, I put it on my top lid and my bottom lid, till I looked like a raccoon, in the words of Hermione. Deeming myself worthy to present myself to the world, I walked out. With my mask pulled over my features that I have hid for years.
Walking out of the empty common room, I started to make my way down to the dungeons, for potions. Passing down the dungeon stairs was like walking into a freezer. I shiver, and I smile. I love the cold, it's refreshing, and everything dies, I hate the spring and summer because everything is reborn and sunny.
As I walked into the room, I immediately look for professor Snape, because I don't really feel like talking to him. 'I guess he's still at breakfast', when I notice he isn't in the room. Well that's good. I sit down in the back, and wait for my peers. Not two minutes after I sat down, the bell rang and students piled in. Hermione and Ron sat in the middle, realizing that I needed space this morning. When people noticed that two 3rds of the golden trio weren't sitting together, the didn't want to risk it and sit with me.
Snape, in all his glory waltzed in and put directions on the board.
"Get to work", he snarled out
I quietly got my ingredients together and set to work. I was familiar with this potion because it happened to be dreamless sleep. I was the first finished. Bottling my potion I brought it up to Professor Snape's desk. He watched me as I put the vial in the holding case, I pretended not to notice. I sat down and doodled, purposefully avoiding the onyx eyes that were boring into my skull. Before I knew it the class was over. I quickly put my stuff in my bag and headed out the door, but before I could get in 5 feet of the door, I heard Professor Snape call me.
"Potter, stay behind"
"Shit", I muttered.
I stomped back to my desk, making a show of being bored, when I was anything but. A shadow was cast over me, I looked up. And what I was met with surprised me. Snape wasn't sneering or glaring, he looked concerned and that didn't bode well with me, no it didn't bode well at all.
"Yes professor," I said sounding bored, putting up that face everyone hated.
Snape bent down on one knee in front of me. "Harry", his voice was one of desperation. It made my heart break even more then it already was. He gently touched my arm, and pulled the sleeve up. Tears were in his eyes, but he held them back. "Why".
His hand went to my cheek, caressing it. I felt the sting in my eyes, as the sign of tears, as I look in his onyx orbs. I knew right then and there that he truly cared for me, because years of building a wall he took down for me. So I could do the same for him.
"Because I want to die," I whispered. A sob escaped my professor's mouth. As he let the tears he was fighting roll down his cheeks. With that said, I walked out of the classroom, leaving a sobbing Snape.
Later that night found Harry in the astronomy tower, leaning against the rock wall.
He couldn't move his fingers, the tendons were cut.
He couldn't feel the warmth anymore, he was numb.
His mind was at peace, even though he was dieing.
He stared at the stars in the sky, wondering if he'll become one once he passes on. His vision started to darken, he smiles. It'll be over soon. No more pain, no more love, no more guilt, no more regret, no more life.
'HE
WAS
FREE'
With that thought, he let out his final breath, leaving a content smile resting on his face.
Ah, the things freedom can do
yea i don't know why, but i tend to right stories where Harry cuts, and wants to die.
but o well, reveiw please