Chapter 1: "Fat Amy's coming for you, Barden U!"
As I arrive to Barden University I think to myself why I am even here in the fucking first place. I was so popular in the little state of Tasmania. For shit sake, I was the best singer in the WHOLE state. Okay, well maybe not the whole state but in the town of Burnie I knew I was. I sang, I danced, I was in musical theater, I was practically their queen. To be completely honest I have no idea why I am going to college in the first place. I could have been the next Marilyn Monroe of Australia. But now that I am here, I guess I have to make the best of it.
While pulling up to this over crowded animalistic jungle, it almost reminds me a bit of home. The wild animals destroying each other, I mean. People are shitting crazy here. I get my bags out of the trunk of the taxi and take a moment to view all the people around me. I can only think, "Jeez some of these Americans are so ugly". I decided not to judge them all as I saw one sweet piece of cheesecake pass my site. He was on the shorter side with a bad Justin Bieber hair cut. He had the face of a Corgi/Pug mix and the body of a small Panda. "I am going to eat that boy up", I thought to myself. Then backtracking that thought, I think, "Ah Amy better not get into the whole "boyfriend" thing again".
I look down now at my itinerary, trying to find out how the hell I am going to adventure around this mess of a place and find my dorm building. "Carnegie Hall", I whisper to myself. All of a sudden this girl comes towards me. She's all up close and personal and I can already tell she is slightly kooky. "Hi there! Welcome to Barden University. Here is your official B.U. rape whistle, don't blow it unless it's actually happening!" the girl says to me. "Wait, what…?" I say with so much more than a slight confusion. "Your rape whistle! It'll help you in the time that something you thought you wanted, turned into something you didn't", the kooky girl says with a voice like she's talking to a baby. I automatically assume this girl is on more than five types of drugs. "But what happens if I AM the rapist? Do I still blow the whistle?" I ask amusingly going along with her ridiculous scenario. "Oh no, no! I am hoping for your sake and the sake of Barden U that you were joking! Don't worry honey I will keep you in my prayers tonight. God will save you", the girl says while she secretly freaks out. "Thanks…", I say while slowly trying to get away from the psychopath.
"What a great start to my day", I thought to myself while trying to figure out where I was going. "Well at least I got a free whistle!" I say while slightly blowing on it. "Shit. I hope no one heard that." But of course, with my luck, I hear the kooky girl start yelling, "Rape, rape! Who blew the rape whistle?! I'm coming for you! I will save you!" "God damn shit" I yell at myself while I start sprinting away hoping she doesn't see me. After two seconds, I realize this so called "sprinting" will not last long. "I wish I did more cardio, fuck!" I yell while I try to get away from the crazy girl.
Finally, I escape her eyesight and some how end up at my dorm building, Carnegie Hall. I walk towards the building, up the stairs, and look for room 10B. I get to the room and knock on the door. While I impolitely walk in, I yell, "Hey there! I'm Amy and I'm your roomma—". My speech is immediately stopped by the overwhelming color of pink and smell of Britney Spears perfume. My roommate isn't in the room as well, so that was a little embarrassing of me to start talking in the first place. I quietly drop my stuff on the empty bed and hear a girl with a squeaky voice walk down the hall. Her voice gets louder and louder as I hope in my mind it's not the rapist girl. "Oh yeah sure! I'll catch you at the activities fair later!" the girl says to some friend outside while stepping half way through the door of our room. "Oh! I didn't know someone was in here! Well, hi. I'm Nicki and you must be my roommate", the girl says in such a cheerful tone. "Uh yeah… I'm Fat Amy, but you can just call me Amy." "Well okie dokie Amy. I'm sorry if the room color on my side is a bit overwhelming for you. I can change it if you want?" Nicki says attempting to gain my approval of new friendship. "No, no. It's fine. If you like pink then keep it," I say slightly lying because the color looks fucking ridiculous. I start to unpack my bags while Nicki sit at her desk half on her computer and half painting her nails. "So Amy. What do you do for fun?" Nicki says so interested in me for what reason I have no idea. "Um sing, dance, act, normal things I guess" I say while trying to unpack. "Neat-o. I like to do make overs and give mani-pedies!" Nicki says disregarding the fact that I didn't ask her anything. "That seems very amusing," I answer trying to end this conversation as quickly as possible.
As I continue unpacking, Nicki continues on her nails. To be quite honest, the girl has a nail art talent. To bad I refuse to let her get near me and my nails, or I would get free beauty treatments all the time. After an hour or so I hear Nicki jump out of her seat as if she forgot something. "I need to go to the activities fair!" she says without hesitation. "Activities fair?" I ask having no idea as to what she's talking about. "The activities fair! You know for like freshman to discover different activities and clubs to join within Barden! Do you want to come with?" "Um, sure. Why not? It's worth a try", I reply, as I have nothing better to do and would not like to spend the rest of my day sitting in this hideous two-tone colored room.
I walk down to the activities fair with Nicki. As soon as we arrive she parts her different way with me, finding her own cuticle treatment fanatics clique. I walk around the fair mostly judging the types of activities that people have created. "Church Chimes of America. What the fuck is this school full of Jesus freaks", I say to myself thankful that the thought didn't slip outside of my head. "Barden Bellas. I wonder what they're about", I think to myself as I walk towards the table. Standing at the table are two seemingly attractive girls. The taller one is a blonde and the shorter, a ginger. The ginger is definitely not a natural ginger. Oh girls these days, don't they know that they shouldn't become what the world makes fun of?
Finally I get close enough to the table to hear what the girls are talking about. "How about we just get good singers?" the fake ginger says to the tall blonde. Immediately I think, "Singers? They're looking for singers? I'm perfect for that". "What good singers? What?" I answer jumping into the conversation that obviously was not about me. "Hi. Can you sing?" the more or less attractive ginger girl says answering my question. "Yeah!" I respond please as to where this conversation is headed. "Can you read music?" ginger girl says in return. "Yeah." "Can you match pitch?" "Try me", I say with a quick shoot of the finger guns. The ginger girl begins giving me different pitches. To be honest, I'm matching these damn levels perfectly. She goes higher then I go higher. One after the other until she reaches her last highest pitch. I continue this pitch full out, let it go, then go right back into it showing the twiggy girls exactly what I'm made of. When I finish I hear the blonde girl go, "That's a really good start", and start giggling slightly with the amusement of my brilliant pitches. "I'm the best singer in Tasmania… with teeth", I say while giving them a wholesome smile. "Love it", the blonde girl replies. "What's your name?" ginger girl asks. "Fat Amy", I say giving them exactly what they want to hear. "Um. You call your self Fat Amy?" blondie says. "Yeah so twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back", I say with a little chuckle because we all know it's true. The two girls give each other a quick look and a smile. "I will… see you at auditions Fat Amy" blondie says handing me the Barden Bella paper. As I look down at the paper I think to myself, "Well, you're already in why stop here". I say to the girls, "I can sing, but I'm also good at modern dance, oldern dance, and um mermaid dancing. Which is a little different. You just lay your side on the ground…" I start my interpretive mermaid dancing rocking back and forth with my lips puckered like a fish. I can tell it's wooing the girls. "Ooo", blondie replies. "It's a lot of floor work", I say as I continue rocking. "I see that", she says again.
After I'm done with my mermaid dancing, I get up and thank the girls for the paper and reassure them that I will be at auditions. I start walking through the rest of the fair when I see this girl. She has some weird type of spikes in her ears and worse a thick coat of eye linear. She's dressed sort of unusual at least for my standards, almost like she was planning on joining an all girls punk rock band. I decide to walk up to where she is because something in side of me just wants me to. I see she's at a table that says "DJs". I walk up right next to her and read the sign. "Ah yeah. DJs! Deaf Jews…Oh…" I say in reply to what I read off of the poster. "Shalom", one of the Jews says to me. "That's not a real word, but keep trying! You will get there." I say in reply speaking a bit on the loud side because I am not quite sure if they can hear me. "Not a lot of Jewish people where you're from?" the spikey eared girl says to me. "Ah no. I did do Fiddler on the Roof though in high school. It was like me and some aboriginals. It was really Jewish", I say answering her ridiculous question. "This is full on Jew". The girl slowly walks away so I turn to the Jews. "Hey guys. Alright I'll give you my number", I say to the Jewish boys who are obviously infatuated by me. Even though they probably couldn't hear what I was saying I wrote down a number anyway and gave it to them. "The names Fat Amy", I yelled at the Jewish boys. They seemed to be very lost in the conversation. "Well. I'm going to go now", I spoke with every word having more of a pause in between.
After I am done with the deaf Jewish boys, I see the spikey ear girl at the Barden Bellas table. "She doesn't look like the singy-dancy type", I think while trying to figure out what she was doing there. As I draw my attention to the three stick thin girls, I hear the noise of beautiful acapella singing. "Oh shit. It's the cheesecake man again", I say as I see the main guy singing is the guy I saw when I first arrived today. "He didn't look like an acapella man either", I think confused by all these Barden students. By the time I get my attention back to the table, the girl is already nonchalantly walking away. "I wonder how that conversation went… well I guess I'll find out soon enough", I think to myself as I walk back up the stairs and to my dorm room. And soon would come quicker than I thought.