A/N: This is a submission for The "Lean On Me" Friendship Challenge. Enjoy!
A Tiny Bit of Hope
The sun bore down upon the earth, scorching the tall grass that surrounded Remus Lupin's feet. The air was hot and sticky, and the honeysuckle on the house next door filled his nose with its sweetness. He immediately decided that he had put on too many layers that morning, owing to the trickles of sweat forming on his forehead.
Nevertheless, Remus was glad to be in Godric's Hollow. He was there for a happy reason, no matter what the circumstances were. As he walked past the gate and into the safety of the Fidelius Charm, a wave of beauty fell upon his eyes. Lily had been hard at work with her garden; there were lush bushes of fuchsia, rows of hydrangea and lavender, and the wall of the house was lined with yellow jasmine. All of the colors and smells were almost assaulting to someone who lived his life in shadow.
Running his hands along the flowers, he made his way to the front porch. He breathed a deep sigh and knocked rhythmically on the door, indicating that he was someone to be trusted. Before he knew it, the door had swung open, and there she stood: Lily Evans Potter, her red hair swaying and her green eyes brighter than ever.
"Remus!" she cried out. Remus gave her a half-smile as she enveloped him in a tight hug, something he had not experienced in a long time. His arms lingered around her, taking in the soft feel of her shirt and the warmth of her skin. He couldn't even remember the last time they had seen each other.
He pulled away and put his hands in his pockets, unsure of what to say. He could see in her eyes that she was examining the newest scars on his face, the disheveled mat of hair he could never seem to tame. But as quickly as he had thought this, Lily grabbed his arm and led him into the house, closing the door behind her.
"Where's James?" Remus asked as he peeled off his jacket. It felt much cooler inside, but he was still sweating profusely.
"Oh, he insisted on going into town," said Lily, taking his jacket and hanging it on a nearby coat rack. "The nursery still isn't fully finished, what with… you know…."
Remus didn't need to press her further about the matter. James and Lily had been in hiding for almost a year. He had personally helped the newly married couple, along with Sirius, to find refuge in Godric's Hollow after learning that Voldemort was after them. Remus was lucky that he was invited over at all, but he knew that the two of them must have been incredibly lonely. He, Sirius, and Dumbledore were the only people who ever visited, and the Potters could only leave the house one at a time under protection of Polyjuice Potion. It was definitely not the kind of life they expected to have, and Remus genuinely felt for them.
"I know things haven't been easy," said Remus, giving Lily a one-armed hug. "At least you have something to be happy about."
Lily looked up at him and smiled.
"Harry's napping at the moment, but that'll give us some time to catch up," she said, a twinge of hopefulness in her voice. "I'll start a pot of tea."
Five minutes later, the two of them were sitting in the sunlit kitchen, sipping on their cups of tea in silence. The birds chirped cheerfully outside, singing songs of blissful ignorance while Remus tried desperately to think of something to say. Truthfully, he had not been overly excited about coming to the Potters' house; he felt like he was intruding on the couples' happiness.
"Remus, are you…" Lily started suddenly, her expression one of concern, "…have you been… alright?"
Remus let out an airy chuckle, one that was completely humorless. He didn't know what to make of the question. In fact, he couldn't recall a time where he had been "alright". Lily, on the other hand, was not amused.
"Nobody's heard from you in months," she muttered. "James and Sirius have been worried sick about you."
"Where is Sirius, anyway?" asked Remus, looking around as if his best friend would materialize out of thin air. "I thought he was living with you two."
"He was," Lily sighed, no doubt annoyed that Remus had blatantly changed the subject. "Once I found out I was pregnant, though, he said he didn't want to 'be a burden' on us anymore. We tried to talk him out of leaving, but his mind was set."
"Has he mentioned where he is?"
"I just know that he's not at Grimmauld Place," she said. "He told us that much in his letters. Other than that, I have no idea."
"That's Sirius for you," chuckled Remus, but once again it was quite humorless. He took his cup in his hand and held it over his mouth, and as he did so he caught Lily's icy stare.
"At least he responds when I send him a letter."
Remus felt instantly guilty. He knew this was going to come up. It was one of the many reasons he wasn't exactly keen on visiting Lily and James in the first place.
"I'm sorry, I just… I've been busy," he explained, his voice barely audible.
"Busy with what?" Lily said through pursed lips.
"Things."
"Well, I would have expected you to at least tell your best friends what 'things' you've been up to. We do get worried about you, you know."
"You don't need to be worried," said Remus. His eyes were not on Lily, but fixated on a small crack in the wooden table. "I've been doing fine on my own."
Remus wasn't looking directly at her, but he could see out of the corner of his eye that Lily had folded her arms in frustration.
"If I don't need to be worried, then tell me what you've been up to," she demanded, although she didn't sound particularly vicious; she was more concerned than she was cross. "Remus, James and I have been cut off from nearly everyone… we have no idea what's been happening with the war."
"The war is the war," Remus told her, shrugging. "Nothing has changed. Two Death Eaters were killed, but considering how many numbers Voldemort has at his command now, the loss isn't significant."
Lily sighed and leaned her elbows against the table. After a few seconds of silence, Remus took the opportunity to look up at her and saw that she was staring out the window, apparently lost in thought.
"Did Sirius tell you about his brother and father?" she said.
At first Remus merely nodded his head in response, but then remembered that Lily wasn't looking at him.
"Oh, um - yes, he did. He wrote to me awhile ago… I never got a chance to write him back."
"Never got a chance?" Lily scoffed. She turned back toward him, and Remus noticed that her face was more lined than he had ever seen it. "You've been locked up in your house since we left Hogwarts. How is it that you 'never got a chance'?"
"You don't understand. I haven't been to my house in over a year," he explained. "I've been in hiding too, and I have no money to speak of. I have to squat in abandoned sheds and farmhouses and wait to transform."
Lily put her hand up to her mouth.
"And the Death Eaters, did they –?"
"Yes," Remus cut her off, knowing what she was about to say. "Three of them. They had their masks on though, so I couldn't tell who they were. I only made it away just in time."
"Merlin's sake. They did the same thing with Sirius," Lily said woefully. "He couldn't see their faces either."
They continued to sip on their tea, both of them evidently at a loss for words. Remus had always felt terrible about ignoring his friends' letters, especially Lily's, but a large part of him simply wanted to avoid these kinds of revelations. He hated talking about the happenings of the war, as childish as it was. He hated being reminded that everyone was constantly in danger, and that no one knew who to trust or where to go anymore. The world was in chaos, yet the only thing he wanted to do was shut himself away in a dark room and forget about it all.
Lily could see the familiar look of dismal pensiveness on Remus's face, so she quickly resumed the conversation.
"Honestly, Remus, you can't keep living in isolation," she said pointedly. "I have James and Harry and even then I drive myself mad being shut up in the house like this."
"You've been doing wonderful things with your garden, I noticed," Remus responded with a smirk.
"That's about the only thing I can do. Dumbledore told us we shouldn't even use magic around the house. It's an absolute nightmare."
Remus merely gave her a sympathetic look and went to sip on his tea once more, but found that his cup was empty. He set it back down on the table and folded his hands together, twiddling his thumbs, as he was prone to do in situations like this.
"Look, my point is… it's not healthy to be going through this by yourself," Lily went on. "I know it's hard to write and that the war is keeping all of us apart, but you aren't alone in this."
"It's not that simple," said Remus. "Just thinking about how much has changed… it's almost painful. I can feel this – this hole that's inside of me, and it never goes away. It just gets bigger and bigger, reminding me of how empty I really am."
God, why was it so hard to look into her eyes when he spoke? Remus figured it was because he always felt embarrassed when he spoke like this, spewing out sentimental garbage that he wished he never felt in the first place.
"That's why I wish you'd write," she said, and Remus was surprised to find her hand on his. "It's more painful when nobody knows about your pain."
The feeling of her touch gave him the courage to look up. Lily's green eyes were warm and inviting, full of kindness and love that Remus had grown so accustomed to. He remembered the days when he would get lost in those eyes, when the two of them would sit near the Black Lake and read each other's study guides while Sirius and James taunted the Giant Squid. She was possibly the only person who could ever get him to admit to anything, but Remus reminded himself that he wasn't the same carefree teenager that he used to be. He would not fall for Lily's charms; not today.
"Talking about it won't make it better," he said, pulling his hand out from under hers. Lily seemed sincerely hurt by this, but Remus paid no attention. "Why do you think Sirius moved out? He wanted to let you and James be happy, not weigh you down with his troubles."
"So then why did you come here?" she asked him angrily. "Why bother showing up if you didn't want to 'trouble' us?"
"I felt I owed it to you after all this time," said Remus. "And I wanted to meet Harry."
"And then what? Are you planning on disappearing again?"
Remus breathed deeply.
"If I have to."
He could tell that Lily was fed up with him by this point. She rolled her eyes and took their empty cups from the table, intending to wash them. "You men and your pride," she said, her back turned to Remus as the water ran from the sink. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."
When she was done cleaning the cups, she put them back in the cupboard and left the kettle in the sink. She sat back down in her chair, her long red hair swinging over her shoulder, and eyed Remus carefully.
"As long as you're there for me when I need you, I'll be okay," he said. He made sure his eyes were wide and imploring so as to not make her angrier.
"What about when I need you?" Lily said. This time it was she whose eyes were wide and imploring. "You're not just anyone, Remus. You're one of my best friends. Besides, you know how James and Sirius are… they always joke around and act like nothing bothers them. Any time I bring up the war they start talking about something else and it drives me crazy."
"Yes, they tend to stay away from serious topics of discussion," Remus admitted. Seeing Lily sad was a rare occurrence, and he felt his heart deflate a little when she dabbed at the corner of her eye.
"I'm sorry, Lily, I really am," he said, taking her hand as she had done earlier. "I honestly didn't realize you felt that way. I thought you'd be too busy with a newborn to even have time to do much else."
Lily let out the smallest of laughs. "You'd be surprised. Harry can be a handful at times, but he sleeps heavier than a mountain troll. How do you think I've been keeping up with my garden, hm?"
Both of them smiled at each other, glad that the other understood their plight. It certainly wasn't the kind of chat that Remus had expected, but it felt good to let it out for once. Talking to Lily made him realize just how much he missed being around his friends. They were people who truly saw him for what he was and accepted him, and on top of that, they didn't expect anything else in return. Well, maybe a letter or two in the mail, but still…
"Damn, that reminds me; he should be waking up from his nap now," Lily said, patting Remus's hand eagerly as she lifted herself up from her chair. "Would you like to see him?"
He was somewhat surprised by how quickly Lily had bounced back from being on the brink of tears; however, he nodded and got up to follow her. The two of them walked upstairs, and even though she had said Harry was about to wake up, Remus couldn't help but tiptoe along the carpeted hallway. He realized with a jolt that he didn't know a thing about babies, and wondered sheepishly if he should even be entering a baby's nursery. He probably stank of sweat and misery – could babies sense that sort of thing? What if Harry started wailing the moment he saw Remus's face?
Swallowing hard, Remus watched as Lily tentatively pushed the nursery door open. The room itself was dark, but the light coming from behind the curtained window made the crib visible, along with the small figure lying inside it. Lily stood at the door and looked at Remus, silently motioning for him to go to the crib. He fidgeted slightly, but then moved forward as if pushed by something.
Little Harry was sleeping soundly in his crib, unbothered by the sudden movement above him. Lily came and joined Remus, looking down at her son with nothing but joy in her eyes.
"He's beautiful, Lil," whispered Remus. His voice, although quiet as a mouse, made Harry shift in his sleep. Lily then took her hand and rubbed Harry's belly softly, prompting him to stretch and smack his lips.
"I see he's already got James's hair," Remus said, noticing the familiar patch of black on Harry's head. "Isn't he just a few weeks old, though?"
Lily laughed under her breath. "Two weeks old, yes. Looks like his hair grows as fast as James's too."
Harry seemed to notice something was amiss, and his eyes began to flutter open in wonder of what was happening above his crib. He saw his mother, a familiar face; then another, one he did not recognize. His small eyes lingered on the shape, but he did not react immediately. Instead, the two simply looked at each other, each taking in the new sight.
"He has your eyes," Remus laughed, astonished by the bright green that stood out against the baby's jet-black hair. He could feel that Lily was staring intently at him, but he didn't meet her gaze. His nervousness was getting the better of him and he thought for a moment that maybe she could sense this, try as he might not to show it. Therefore, what she said next surprised him.
"Do you want to hold him?"
Oh, bollocks, Remus thought. He had never held a baby before, not once. But this was James and Lily's baby, not a stranger's. Remus felt a connection to Harry already, seeing as he was a mixture of two of his closest friends. Not to mention that he was a tiny thing; there was no way that Remus would drop him.
He turned to Lily, hesitant, who did nothing but raise her eyebrows and give him a knowing smile. Remus held his arms out, about to reach into the crib, but stopped short. His nails were grimy. His hands were rough and covered in scratches. Seeing the contrast between Harry's perfect, unmarked skin and his own, he couldn't bring himself to touch the child. He didn't want to risk tarnishing this tiny, newborn baby. Remus hastily drew back his hands, breathing heavily, but attempted to act calm.
"What is it?" Lily asked.
"I don't – I don't think I should hold him," said Remus in a faint voice. He thought Lily's reaction would be one of irritation or even sadness, but all she did was beam up at him. She seemed more amused than anything.
"I was under the impression that there was only one baby in this room," she said sarcastically. Gently, she reached into the crib and picked up her son, holding him out in front of her for Remus to take. At first Remus just stood there and glared at her, but then he looked back down at Harry and was taken aback when he saw the little boy's arm outstretched toward him.
"See? He likes you," Lily cooed. She put Harry in Remus's arms and stood back to watch the scene unfold.
Harry was fully awake now, and he appeared to be interested in the buttons on Remus's shirt. Remus rocked him back and forth, feeling for the first time in his entire life what it felt like to hold innocence. Through all of the ugliness and hopelessness of war, this small ray of hope had blossomed like the first flower of spring. He couldn't believe how happy it made him, standing there with Lily, bouncing her son in his arms as if all was right in the world.
"Maybe one day you'll have a boy of your own," she said quietly.
It was a thought that had never occurred to Remus, but he couldn't say that he didn't like the idea. Wasn't that something he had always wanted in his heart of hearts? True, half of him was terrified at the prospect of bringing a child into the world, but the other half wanted so badly to have what James and Lily had. They had a family, something Remus had once known but could barely remember. How many more years would he live without such a thing? Who would ever love him, a man so weighted by his own self-hatred that he didn't think he even deserved to hold a baby?
They were questions that couldn't be answered. Not now, anyway. All Remus could think of at that moment was the baby boy who was resting in his arms, babbling and playing with the buttons on his shirt.
"Yeah," he said, gazing peacefully into Harry's green eyes, "maybe I will."