A/N This came to mind a few weeks ago as I've watched Cary and Alicia's friendship/working relationship grow and be strained all at the same time. Cary may need a friend when Kalinda leaves, or disappears, someone who understands how he feels. This is a one shot, and of course I don't own these characters or anything in relation to them or the show. Reviews of course are always welcome!
Thought You'd Understand
It was late and pouring rain outside. The apartment was quiet, to quiet. Usually Alicia welcomed the peace and quiet at the end of the day that allowed her to wind down and regroup, but not tonight. Tonight had become one of those nights she wished more than anything that someone was there to interrupt the non stop flood of memories. Grace had gone to spend the night with a friend. It had been months since she'd allowed her mind to wonder to him, to Will. In the beginning she had many nights like this but over time it had lessened, even stopped. He'd always been in the back of her mind, and probably always would be. However she hadn't had time to think about him. Running a campaign, a law firm, and thoughts of other attractive men had taken over. It was good, and having won the campaign just a month earlier had brought new insight a new phase to her life.
But tonight she sat on the sofa in the dim light of her apartment wine glass in one hand doing nothing really but thinking. She was exhausted it had been a long week, a long month getting used to her new responsibilities. She enjoyed it, but she was grateful for the weekend that had now come.
Thinking she should go to bed, even though she knew she'd just lay awake unable to stop her mind she put the wine glass down on the coffee table and got up heading towards her bedroom. It would at least be a more comfortable place to think. She knew her earlier conversation with Cary and Diane had brought this on. She felt for Cary, she could totally relate.
.She had met Cary and Diane earlier that day for lunch. The firm Agos and Lockhart was doing well. They asked about her job, and had told her about some of the new amusing things that were happening with them. She was grateful for their friendships. Things had been tough, and strained for awhile among the three, but now they seemed to be closer than ever.However the moment she saw Cary she knew something was wrong. The look on his face said enough.. He tried to hide it, but she could tell something was eating at him. Finally mid meal Diane got to the point.
"Kalinda is gone." Diane had said. Alicia continued with her lunch while listening. "What do mean? She left the firm?" She looks from Cary to Diane. Diane looks to Cary as though he was supposed to say something but doesn't. "No she's left Chicago we think." Alicia puts her fork down. "You think?" she says. Diane hesitates, "Guys what's going on?" Cary sits back in his chair avoiding Alicia's gaze. Diane continues. "She hasn't been into the office all week.. We've all tried to call, but her phones been turned off. Cary went to her apartment last night. It's been cleared out."
Alicia stares at Cary for a minute processing this news.
"Saturday she came to my apartment and told me she was thinking of leaving Chicago. She was acting strange, but of course she wouldn't tell me what was going on." Cary says. "Sounds like Kalinda." Alicia responds. "But there's more." Cary says. "More?" Alicia questions with raised eyebrows. "Look Alicia, there's was a lot going on between Bishop and kalinda over the past eight months. Things we didn't tell you to keep your campaign clean." Alicia doesn't know what to say. "So you think Bishop's the reason she's left? That he threatened her?"
"Or" Diane interjects not needing to say more. Alicia can put two and tow together.
"You think he may have?" Alicia looks to Cary then shakes her head. "We don't know. I don't think he would kill her. It would be too obvious. But it's very possible he threatened her, and she knew she had to leave." Cary says frustration written all over his face.
"And she didn't tell anyone when she was leaving, or where she was going to protect herself, and possibly others?" Alicia says more as a statement than a question. She knows Bishop could corner any one of them at any time. "Yes" Diane says "We just thought you should know she's gone." Alicia looks away. She and Kalinda had hardly spoken since she left the firm over a year ago. Even when they had merged she rarely saw Kalinda, but knowing she would likely never see her again was odd.
She turns back to Cary. "I'm sorry to hear that. I can't… She just left?" Cary nods his head. "Cary I'm sorry." She and Diane were probably the only two people on the planet that knew half the extent of his feelings for Kalinda.
She's brought out of her thoughts by a knock at her door. She looks at her watch. 11:00pm. it's a bit late for visitors. She continues to walk to the door. When she opens it she's only a bit surprised to find Cary standing there on the other side.
"Hey" She says leaving the door ajar and turning back to the living room. He starts to follow closing the door behind him. "Alicia I know it's late, but" She turns back to him.
"Cary it's okay. Come on in. I need the company." As they enter the living room he notices the wine bottle on the coffee table, and Alicia's nearly empty glass. "Sit, I'll get a glass for you." She says turning to the kitchen. "Do you have any beer?" he says as he sits on the couch after taking off his coat. She smiles, that's exactly what Will always said when he turned up late at night to see her. "I do! I'll be back in a minute." A few minute later she returns with a beer for Cary and a bowl full of popcorn. "Popcorn?" he says with a funny smile on his face. She lets out a small laugh. "Yes, it's something Will and I used to do late at night." Cary stares at her strangely as she sits at the other end of the sofa. That's the first time he's heard her utter his name since she told him he was dead over a year ago.
She catches his stare. "Too much thinking on my part tonight Cary." She avoids his gaze and sips some more of her wine. "Yeah me too!" he says opening the beer, and grabbing some popcorn. "So you and Will used to eat popcorn and drink late at night!" he smiles glancing over to her. She looks back over to him a slight smile forming on her lips. "We did. He'd come over late on Friday night's when Zach and Grace were at Peter's. He'd stay a few hours, and we'd talk or watch a movie, as well as…" She stops and sips her wine again. She knows he can about guess the rest of what they did when Will was over."
"Sounds like fun!" She nods her head up and down. "It was! So to what do I owe this late night visit? Not that I have to try to hard to guess." She says. He sighs, and turns his gaze from hers. "This is about Kalinda isn't it?" She questions. He nods his head. "I just thought you'd understand. I thought maybe you could give me some advice."
Alicia shifts on the couch turning to face him. "Advice?" Carey takes a handful of popcorn.
"Yeah you know some wisdom from someone older and wiser than myself!" he says leaning back on the sofa and popping a few kernels into his mouth. Alicia can't help but laugh at that one. "I am older, but I don't know that I'm any wiser, especially when it comes to relationships." She reaches over and takes some of the popcorn into her hand. "Cary what did Kalinda really tell you last weekend?" Silence fills the apartment for a few seconds. "Exactly what I told you at lunch. That she was thinking of leaving Chicago, and that she wanted me to know. She was only at my place for five minutes." He sighs and lowers his head a bit. "We were supposed to go to dinner, but she said she couldn't. She kissed me, and said "Goodbye Carey" How was supposed to know that would be the last time I'd see her?" He looks over to Alicia whose heart is now aching for him. "You don't, you don't ever know, and that's the hardest part." She says turning away from him. This is all hitting a little to close to home for her. "You know that look she gets when she wants to talk about something personal, but then decides against it?" Alicia smiles knowing the exact look he's talking about. "Yes I do."
"Well that was the look she had as she turned to leave. I tried to stop her, tried to make her talk. But she said she had to go. And that was that." More silence ensues as they sit both ponder Kalinda.
"Maybe she'll send us change of address slips again!" Alicia offers as a small muse. This causes a smile to cross his face. "Somehow I doubt it! You got a notice too huh?"
"I did, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! I mean we were friends, but it was so unlike Kalinda." She turns back to him. "I think she was trying to be "normal"." Carey offers.
"Normal?"
"You know she told me she and Will once had a conversation about how they weren't normal like other people. How they weren't emotional when it came to relationships of any kind. Maybe it was her way of trying to have a more normal view, if there is even is such a thing."
"I can see that, although Will did show emotion with me." They sit in silence for a few minutes.
"Cary I'm really sorry. I really mean it."
"I know"
"How are you handling it?"
"I'm not. I've been walking around for three days denying it, pretending it isn't real, but it's not working. That's why I came here. I don't know what to do Alicia. I miss her, and whatever it was we had." She bites her lip she knows exactly how he feels, and she would never wish that on anyone.
"Why did you and I have to fall in love with people that made a relationship so complicated? People that became our best friends, but because of other relationships, politics inside and outside of work, and quite frankly a good dose of fear we knew would never have worked out?"
"Well I don't know about that." She says honestly taking another sip of her wine. She doesn't say anything else. She'd gotten stuck on the falling in love part of his statement. Somehow he knows exactly what she's thinking, but she remains quiet. She has never talked about her real feelings about Will with anyone, and she's not sure she wants to. She can feel his eyes piercing into her as she avoids his gaze.
"Oh come on Alicia I know better than anyone else that you loved him." She turns and glares at him. She knows he's right, but she doesn't want to let this defensive wall down.
"What are we doing here Cary?" She gets a little defensive.
"We're having an honest conversation Alicia." He sighs. "I loved Kalinda, and you loved Will, and now they are both gone." He quiets as he finishes his statement putting his head down almost in defeat. "Look if you don't want to talk about Will its ok, but I have to know one thing." She decides it's safe to look at him again. "What?" She says wrapping her sweater around her tighter as if that will make this easier. "How did you do it?' A million things run through her head as she tries to formulate a response, trying to figure out what he wants, what she should say to him. She knows exactly what it's like to lose someone you care so much about without any warning, and clearly that's why he came, but she's not sure she has any advice for him.
"Do you think Kalinda will come back?" she asks already knowing the answer. "No" he sighs again and leans back on the couch. "You didn't answer my question." He says looking over to her. She looks away and he continues. "I knew I loved her, but I didn't realize how much until," She cuts him off. "Until she was gone." She says looking over to him a small smile across her lips. "Yeah" he says shaking his head. She gets up and starts to pace slowly in front of the fireplace. "Okay you want an answer?" She stops long enough to look at him. "Yes" She returns to her pacing.
"You move on, you push the memories to the back of your head. You get depressed, angry for awhile, and do crazy things like decide to run for State's attorney!" he chuckles at that. She stops pacing long enough to smile back at him. "You change. You have too. It's the only way to stop the world from spinning out of control on you. Losing someone close to you, sometimes forces you to recognize things in you that you didn't see before good and bad. You realize that life is short, and you have to get rid of all the things in life that don't matter." That was a bit more blunt and honest than she'd planned on being. She goes and sits back on the couch.
"What did you do for those three days you took off work the week after the funeral? You seemed a little better after that. You said you were sick, but I'm not stupid Alicia I knew it was because of Will. So what did you do?"
She laughs a little again. "What did I do?" he nods his head. "Nothing"
"What do you mean nothing?"
"I mean I did nothing. I came home from court that day and went straight to bed. I buried myself in the covers and slept. That was the only place I felt secure at the time. And I didn't want to do anything. I…" She hesitates "I missed Will, and I thought the only thing that could make it better was if he was still alive, and if I slept I could keep him alive. He wasn't of course, so I really just avoided life for a few days. I barely ate, and what I did eat, the kids brought me. On the second night I got out of bed. I was trying to pull it together, but Peter came over. We got into an argument, and separated again. I went back to bed for another day. I needed some time to just – not think."
"Whoa wait you and Peter separated? For how long?"
Alicia stares at him for a minute realizing the mistake she'd just made. She smiles and shakes her head. "We're still separated Cary. But you can't tell anyone." He laughs. "Wow, you two have sure played that secret well!" She laughs in return. "I guess we have haven't we?'
"Yeah, and you managed to keep it a secret through your campaign. That's really something."
"I guess it is!" More silence "Listen Cary" She says looking right into his eyes. "You have to find your own way through this. The way I dealt with-deal with Will's death is different from how you will deal with Kalinda being gone. It will be difficult because you don't know if she's alive or dead. There isn't anything that will take the hurt away completely. It took months for me to not think about him during my downtime. I though about all the things I thought I would have done differently. All the things I would have said, and done, and not done." She says referring to leaving LG in the way they had. "I felt like everything was spinning out of control. Like my bearings had been pulled out form underneath me." Cary nods his head. "That's a good description of it." She gets more comfortable and crosses her legs under her.
"I hadn't realized that even though Will and I weren't on the best of terms when he died, that he had become a constant stable thing in my life. Will and Kalinda had been in our lives for nearly seven years. Even without the romance it would still be very difficult to say goodbye to our best friends. But that's the point Carey. I realized after awhile that I wasn't doing myself or anyone else any good thinking about what I should have done, and regretting what never was, or would ever be. I had to change my thinking. It was difficult at first, but I decided to only keep the good memories of Will, and do my best to let the bad ones go. He was my best friend, and I haven't allowed myself to say this out loud until now, and if you breathe a word of any of this outside this apartment to anyone, I'll kill you!" He chuckles, "you have my word!"
"Yes I loved him." She takes a deep breath. Hearing those words out loud hurts, but in a way feels really good to finally admit it to someone besides herself. Carey is watching her intently. She looks at him for a few seconds, and then turns her gaze back to the fireplace. "I loved him so much it hurts. He made me very happy, and he was there for me in some of my darkest moments over the past years as my friend. So that's what I choose to remember. Does that make sense?" She says turning her gaze back to Carey.
"Yeah"
"It's been a long uphill mental battle for me. If I see the back of someone who looks like him, or if I catch a whiff of someone's cologne that's the same as the one he wore I stop breathing. My heart stops briefly. I have to consciously turn that brief moment of pain into a good memory. If I didn't it would kill me." She smiles "You won't ever completely move on. That's the beauty of what you and I have experienced. True love, true friendship. I do think we will love again. I hope we will love again. Especially you, you have a whole life ahead of you."
"Awe you have lots of good years left Alicia." He says taking another handful of popcorn. "This is good popcorn by the way!" She smiles taking another handful herself. "Ah yes, well that's because it has Will's secret seasoning on it!" Cary chuckles. "Will's secret seasoning?"
"Yes, and once I convinced him to tell me the secret, with no small amount of persuading I might add, I was sworn to secrecy!"
"Even after death?"
"Yes you know that whole attorney client privilege thing that survives even after death?" Cary nods his head.
"Are you and Peter going to divorce eventually?"
"I don't know Cary. I go back and forth on that on a daily basis. So did you and Kalinda actually really date?" she asks as they ease into more conversation. "We did some after I got out of prison."
"Well at least you didn't have to hide dating." Alicia rolls her eyes.
"Well you've got me there!"
"Come on tell me what you did on dates."
"Why?"
"Because this," she holds up her hands and looks from the couch to the popcorn, "is one of a very short list of things Will and I could do together. In Chicago anyway." She sighs.
"Yeah that must have been hard."
"Not hard, just complicated, and restrictive."
"Fair enough. We would go out to bars for a drink. We'd eat at crazy restaurants that had great food, but that were places only Kalinda would know about! Do you know how many people Kalinda knows?"
"I can imagine, but it's all so secretive." He chuckles again. "Yes very secretive, yet nearly every place we went she knew someone. I don't know, we did normal date things."
"I would have liked to have done normal date things with Will." They both sit remembering date nights with their best friends. "I would have liked to have more dates with Kalinda." They both take another drink. Alicia turns back to Cary holding up her wine glass. "Here's to our best friends!" Cary raises his bottle.
"You know what Cary?" she says putting her glass back down on the coffee table. "What?"
"We should do something to… I don't know remember them by." He agrees, but looks at her blankly having no immediate thoughts come to mind. 'Okay how?" he says.
'I'm realizing that actually talking about him, about us, is oddly healing. I don't think it would be the same if we weren't in similar situations."
"I agree"
"So every so often, every few months or so we get together and remember them. We can involve other people, or just keep it between us. We can go out and do something. Have drinks at a bar, or do dinner. No one else but us has to know the reason for getting together. We can share our war stories! I bet if we got to talking we would find out some pretty crazy stuff that went on over the years behind the scenes! I don't think not talking about it is particularly healthy. On the other hand I don't think wallowing in it is either. But discussing it, them, every so often might do both of us some good!"
"Okay, I think that's a good idea!" A genuine smile crosses his face. It causes Alicia to smile. A bit of the hurt she'd seen in him earlier had gone.
"So let's plan our first get together." He says grabbing some more popcorn. "I think we're already having our first!" Alicia says "What kind of movies do you like to watch?" she says standing to grab the remote for the television. "Alicia don't you think it's a little late to be starting a movie?" She smiles as she sits back down. "No Cary, it's the perfect time to start a movie. This is what Will and I used to do. Next time we can do what you want. Besides are you really going to sit there and tell me that if you go home now you'll be able to sleep?" He lets out a chuckle. "No you're absolutely right! But I'm warning you I might fall asleep on your couch!" She smiles and gets up to grab a blanket she had tucked in the cabinet. "Well you wouldn't be the first male to fall asleep on that couch. Owen and Will did it all the time. I can wake you, or you're welcome to stay there for the night." She says placing the blanket over the chair next to the couch.
"Okay then, let's start a movie. Action if you don't mind! Less chance I'll fall asleep that way!"
"Okay, but if I fall asleep,"
"I'll cover you with the blanket, and lock the door behind me!"
"I'm glad you came over tonight Carey.'
"I am too. Here's to Will and Kalinda." He says raising his bottle one more time.
She raises her glass to his, "They will be missed, but well remembered!"