*I do not own these characters. Please don't sue me.*

I sneak a glance at him at my kitchen table. Greasy Sae keeps her head down but I know she feels the tension that radiates from Peeta and myself. He only just returned a few days ago with the bushes for Prim and he's looking at me now. Our eyes meet and there's a relief in him that I see as our minds connect and we communicate a thousand conversations in that one look. In an instant, he knows my pain and confusion and looks back at me with comfort and questions. A million questions we have to ask and, as we lock eyes, I realize all of our answers can be found in each other.

I haven't been exactly responsive. I have felt like how people said Peeta was in thirteen. Losing time. Crazy. Suddenly, Sae is here cooking and suddenly she's gone. I smell the food she sets on the little table in front of the couch, but it's repulsive and makes me want to heave. I look anywhere but the food. I look anywhere but the direction of the study, the previously occupied but now empty bedrooms in this house. I look anywhere but the direction of the windows where I can just make out the rubble where the bodies are. The bodies that I caused to die. The mothers, fathers, and children like Prim.

Prim. The fire. My fire that I caused. Prim is so selfless that she was trying to save children while I only wanted to kill Snow. And so I killed her because death is all that I am. Death and fire. No wonder they called me the girl on fire. Obviously, everyone could see how selfish I am.

In the distance I hear a deafening quiet and and feel the hollowness of the darkness of my house at night. As I come out of it, I realize that I lost time again and now the sun is down and the meal is over. The table is clear except for my untouched bowl of stew that is now cold and congealing on the top. I sigh and try to blink the daze out of my eyes when I hear it. The soft brush of a foot against the floor and feel him still sitting at the end of the table where we had just locked eyes a few seconds ago. Seconds or hours. I meet his eyes again and he's looking at me in a way that I haven't seen him look in so long. Warmth pours out of his blue eyes and his body sends waves of comfort and safety.

If I didn't know any better, I would think he still cares about me. But I do know better and it would be like the new Peeta to deliver a hateful message mid-episode as he looks like he's about to wrap his arms around me. What I thought was a hug back in thirteen ended up being me strangled and I know better now. I slowly turn my foot towards the back door and shift all of my weight on my legs and I hover above the chair ready to run or jump depending on his reaction.

"Katniss."

It's a statement not a question. It didn't sound like it was a threat, but a plea to stay with an edge of hurt. It is then that I realize how stupid I'm being. So what if he kills me? What do I care? Isn't that what I want? Maybe I could get closer to paying for all that I've done by letting myself be strangled to death by the boy I hurt the most and caused his entire family to die. Maybe then I can be where the dead are and somehow find a way to apologize personally.

I deflate and sit down with a dramatic "plop." I take one last look at my hands and square my shoulders. I lift my chin and face Peeta. He's looking relieved that I've decided to stay.

"Katniss," he begins again. "I can leave if you want me to."

"No!" I say probably too forcefully. I don't want Peeta to leave. I want Peeta to end my suffering and I want to atone for my actions! Peeta looks confused and waits to see what else I have to say. I, of course, have nothing else to say and I stare at his face and wait for the blow. I can't help but notice the bags under his bloodshot eyes and the way the redness of no sleep makes the blue in his eyes seem even bluer if that's even possible. He has burn scars on his neck that look like my own, but where mine look ugly and make me look like a monster, his make him look masculine and strong. His perfect features with these scars make him look mysterious and handsome.

"Good." I think. He's looking so handsome in spite of all of this destruction and maybe that will help him find a girl worthy of him. One that will give him all of the love I never did, and the marriage and children I can't. A girl he doesn't want to kill and he can move on with his life like I never existed. He has an amused but perplexed expression on his face and I realize that I think I said "good" out loud rather than just thinking it. I wonder if I said anything else. I look down at my forgotten supper and feel my face heat up.

"I'm sorry if those bushes were the wrong thing to do. I just saw them and thought of her... so I thought you should have them."

I narrow my eyes. Maybe he isn't trying to kill me. I can't manage my disappointment on top of my current state, so I try to think of other scenarios. Maybe Peeta is trying to trick me by being nice and will finish the job he started in thirteen when I least expect it. That sounds better. I should play along then so he can finish his mission.

"It's..." I have to clear my throat from lack of use. I make a disgusting gurgle sound, but Peeta waits patiently. "It's alright Peeta. I like them. I was just surprised to see you." Peeta smiles a good real Peeta smile at me. "...And I hope it's ok that I stayed for dinner. Sae wouldn't take no for an answer."

I stare intensely in his eyes trying to find the evil hijacked Peeta in his words, and he becomes nervous. "I... I mean that I wanted to... WANT to see you. I... just didn't know if you wanted to see me." Crap. Somehow I can even ruin evil Peeta's plans to kill me. I have to try harder to play along.

"I'm glad you came" I say lamely. No wonder I can't do anything right. I blow out a huff in frustration. Peeta stares at me. He's sizing up my arms and cheeks. He's taking in the depth of the dips where my collar bone sits. He's noting how my clothes bunch around me rather than lay flat.

"Katniss, I'm going to come back for breakfast I that's alright with you. I haven't been sleeping well and I bake to keep my mind busy. I'd like to bring you some of the things I make."

Since I don't respond and only look at him he continues. "I am trying to remember some recipes from before the..." He stops himself and looks to the side unsure. He doesn't know what to call what we went through and I guess he's afraid he'll spook me if he's too blunt. "...from... from before, and I want to know if what I remember is... real. Or not."

He looks at me with such vulnerability now, that I start to think maybe this really is the real Peeta and not the hijacked Peeta. Instantly I feel disappointed that I won't be dying this evening. Then, I start to feel something else like a static charge from his presence in my house. The idea that this is the real boy that gave me the bread, trusted me, stayed with me, and fought with me sitting in front of me, and not hijacked Peeta, is making my heart slam against my ribs and the blood rush in my ears.

Suddenly, he makes to stand up and my chest clenches for some reason that I don't understand. He slowly approaches me like I'm a frightened animal he's about to free from a trap and kneels down beside me roughly because of his leg. Softly, like he's handling a child, he takes my hand that is resting on the table in front of me and squeezes it. I take a deep breath and smell his smell that smells like bread and warmth waft towards me because he's so close. We have a moment just looking at one another for a long while. He's reading my face while I process what I see in him. He's more of the real Peeta I have seen since the last I saw him in the arena. But, there's also the hijacked Peeta still in there lurking in the shadows of his mind. It's in the slight bunching of his eyebrows in the center of his face that doesn't go away.

"I'll see you in the morning, Katniss." He breaks eye contact, gets up, and walks to the door. The hand he was holding instantly feels cold. I watch him as he makes his way out of my house. He slows down gradually as he gets in arms reach of the doorknob and turns back around to face me. "And Katniss? I'm not going to kill you." Without waiting for a response, he turns back around, swings the door open, and walks out.

Peeta did show up for breakfast the next morning as well as the breakfasts after that. He comes with something he baked in his arms every morning while Greasy Sae is finishing up whatever she's cooking and he comes over to my place on the couch.

Usually, I've already been woken by my nightmares hours before, but I remain on the couch and watch the light outside go from black, to a deep blue, to grey, and then fill up my living room with this perverse bright and yellow sunshine. It makes all of the ashes of the people I killed in the air sparkle. Maybe tomorrow I'll gather all of my extra bedclothes and towels and stuff them in the windows to block out the sun.

That first morning Peeta came, he sat on the opposite end of the couch where I am with a basket tucked under his arm. My toes just touch the side of his thigh and I leave them there because he's warm and I always feel so cold now. As he sits, my feet slowly warm up and I hate myself for enjoying this warmth. Any warmth. Peeta throws back the cloth that is in the basket and rips off a piece of something and holds it out to me.

"Katniss, can you tell me how this tastes to you?" I stare at the bit of baked thing. It looks like a muffin with some kind of berry cooked inside of it. The sight and smell doesn't make me want to throw up so I take it and bite a tiny part into my mouth. Peeta watches me intensely like he's trying to fiercely memorize and analyze this moment at the same time. The muffin is delicious so I open my mouth and chuck the rest of it in. "It's good, Peeta."

He then grins widely. His straight teeth and perfect smile are framed by his strong jaw. He drops the rest of the muffin in my hands as he gets up to the kitchen to sit his basket down and help Greasy Sae set the table. I peep over the back of the couch and watch him as I slowly shove the muffin in my mouth. Greasy Sae pats Peeta on the back a lot and looks as if his presence in my house is the best gift anyone could give her. I have wondered about all of the trouble she's going to to try to force me not to die. I feel guilty, but I also don't understand why people can't leave me alone.

Wherever Prim is, that's where I want to be. I can't see her here, so why can't I just step into the unknown to try to find her there? What difference does it make. My mother and best friend both walked away. But, here is Greasy Sae trying everyday to keep me alive. I'm so damn tired of people trying to keep me alive. And now there's Peeta here and I've never been more confused.

"...Katniss?"

I snap back to reality at Peeta's voice. Greasy Sae is sitting at the table looking at me. Peeta is standing up and facing me. The food is on the table along with the plates and forks. I realize that I'm still in peeping position with my eyes and the top of my head only showing from the top of the couch. Peeta just looks at me patiently. "We are ready to eat, Katniss."

I bolt up and messily wipe the crumbs off of my chin, brush the remaining crumbs off my clothes onto the floor, and stiffly walk towards the table. My muscles are stiff from sitting on the couch for so long and my skin feels tight where my burns are. I have cream to put on them, but I don't see the point. I walk past Peeta and meet his eyes as I come up next to him. I feel that static charge between us again as our bodies get closer. Peeta's hand flexes at his side like he's trying to release energy that he can't contain. I duck my head and slide into my usual seat at the table. Peeta takes the chair next to mine and scoots it a little closer to me before sitting in it. This makes my body feel like it's buzzing.

I don't understand why I feel this way around Peeta now. Is it that I always felt this way but was too busy trying to hunt and fight to notice? Did I just start feeling this electricity? I suppose that it was always there since he threw me that bread. I remember that before the reaping his presence was something nice since he had shown me kindness that day in the rain. The dandelion of hope. Most times, I would notice him when he was around. I would catch myself absently watching him wrestle at school or carry those huge flour bags in town. I suppose I was always curious about this boy that saved my life.

As I remember those images from what feels like a lifetime ago, my eyes sweep up his side and I watch how his muscles flex in his upper arm under his shirt as he scoops Greasy Sae's breakfast out of the bowls on the table and puts small portions on my plate. Still feeding me, even now. The thought of this makes my heart bang and my stomach lurch in a way I've never felt before. It feels like I'm running for my life, but without the emergency. It's not my life that I desperately need, it's something else that I can't put my finger on. I decide I hate the feeling and try to ignore it as I grab another muffin. Greasy Sae has been watching me and she has a knowing smile on her face. What does she know about this? It's not like she's ever been responsible for the death or emotional destruction of literally an entire nation. The thought makes my face turn into a deep scowl that I can feel.

The rest of breakfast is uneventful. I eat my muffin and a few bites of what Greasy Sae put together. I hate wasting food, but these days I hate most everything so it doesn't matter and Peeta just gives me small portions anyway knowing that I probably won't eat it. For a long time I thought that Gale knew me better than anyone, but it was in Thirteen that I understood that it was actually Peeta who knew me best. The old Peeta knew me better than anyone because the Games had changed me from the minute we were carted off on that train the first time. But now the Capitol took that from me too when they took his memories.

Gale changed too. He was different when we only talked about the Capitol in the safety of our own woods. The fighting changed him and made him angrier as if the stress of feeding his family was the only thing that softened him. It's better this way. Posy will never go hungry and Rory will never be reaped. Gale will be happy in his new life, I know he will. I knew that if he ever had to choose between this freedom and me he would choose freedom, and that's exactly what he did. He had to choose and he chose correctly.

My mother couldn't come back here without Prim, so she left me to build a new life without her dead and broken daughters. I can't say that I blame her either. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if she were here taking care of me, and in every scenario it's worse than this. In every scenario, I end up killing myself forcefully or screaming violently at her from all of the pent up anger I have for her. It's better believing that Gale and my Mother are dead along with everyone else.

Days pass like this until I hear Peeta's heavy step on my porch around supper time a few weeks after the first breakfast. Usually, Greasy Sae has already made food for herself and her granddaughter and she drops off some she set aside for me. Or at least that's what I assume happens. I'm always unresponsive around this time and I just snap back some time later that evening to find the food on my little table in front of the couch I live on during the day. I started sleeping in my bed on the occasions that I muster up enough motivation to care after I come back to reality after my afternoon dazes.

So, when I hear Peeta's footsteps outside, I'm foggy when he opens my door and peeks his head inside.

"Katniss?" he asks softly.

"Peeta?" I croak sleepily.

"Katniss, sorry to come over unannounced. I just made some extra food for supper and wanted to see if you'd join me?" He asks softly. I stare at him still trying to register what time it is and what he's asking me. A think some time passes so he starts again. "It's just that I always come over here, and I don't want you to feel like you can't come to my house as well, so I thought I'd ask. It's ok if you don't want to."

Finally coming back to reality, I survey my situation. Peeta's breakfast treats have gotten me more accustomed to eating and I do feel a little hungry. I also took a shower today and braided what's left of my hair which is a rare occurrence, though happening more often now. I decide to just give it a short go since he keeps bringing me the bread.

I slowly stand up, stretching all of my limbs. Peeta watches me do this with an odd look on his face like he's studying the mechanics of how my body moves. I am starting to fill out a little more, so I guess he can actually see my shape under my clothes now. This makes me embarrassed, but I hide it because, for some reason, it also makes me feel good in a way I haven't felt since Cinna would dress me in the beautiful clothes he made.

"Okay, Peeta. I'll join you." Peeta visibly becomes excited at my acceptance and shifts his weight from foot to foot waiting for me to walk to my door. As I get closer, I look longingly at my bow and arrows that are propped up in the corner beside the door. I have only hunted a few times which started when Peeta came back. It is hard to work up enough energy to go, but I find myself wanting to go more often. I look back at Peeta who is smiling at me and steps out on my porch. When I step out and shut the door behind me, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and leads the way across the walkway to his front porch. Spring is in full swing now and the late day smells like rain and crisp warmth. Maybe I will go hunting tomorrow. At the very least I can set some traps and catch some small game to give to Greasy Sae. Once we climbed the steps on Peeta's porch, he opens the door and gestures me in first.

Immediately, I'm assaulted by the delicious smell of a bakery. Sugar and bread. His house is also several degrees warmer most likely from the oven. My house is usually cold because I don't care enough to light a fire most nights. When I start to shiver I think of it as my punishment for being the girl on fire and it makes me feel better. Like the chill will pinch out the flame inside me that is responsible for so much death. I take a deep breath of Peeta's home and look around. He has candles and lamps lit in every corner which makes his house feel like the inside of a dream. A good one.

I don't even register Peeta coming in behind me until his hand lightly rests on my lower back. I shudder involuntarily at his touch as he slides past me. If he notices, he doesn't let on. Peeta walks to the kitchen and I quietly creep to the table as if any noise from my presence could destroy such a beautiful atmosphere. Peeta already has two places set with a tall white candle lit in between them. As I stare at the two place settings, I think about what would have happened if I declined Peeta's invitation. He would come back here alone and pack up my place setting only to eat by himself in lonely, wasted candle light. The visual of Peeta doing this makes my heart break and I am instantly glad I came.

I walk back to the door and kick off my boots. I catch a penetrating smile on Peeta's face that he is trying to hide by putting his head down, directing it to his task of cutting into the food that he made. But, I see it. I know this boy too well. I pad over to the kitchen and peer over his shoulder. There's a dish with crumbs on top and a mush of what looks like vegetables and a cheese sauce underneath.

"It's called a casserole. I've been wanting to try it, and now that the train is coming more often I was able to get the ingredients for this one."

"It smells wonderful" I say. And it does. It smells like the delicious food from the Capitol, but not as fancy, thankfully.

"I hope you like it. If not, I have a backup plan." With that, he picks up the dish and walks over to the table. I sit at the place setting that he isn't standing beside and watch him scoop the casserole onto my plate. He then sits and takes a small bite taking his time tasting the food. I look down at my plate and fork a small bite in my mouth. It is delicious.

"Mmm, Peeta!" I moan without thinking. His eyes flick up to mine and burn with intensity. I feel myself begin to turn red, and silently curse myself for acting like such a schoolgirl. Peeta and I have been through more than any two people should ever have to go through. We've seen each other bloody, beaten, bruised, even oozing and yet I can't stop becoming a trembling blushing mess at just a glance from him. I muster up everything I have to take control.

"It's really good Peeta. If this is your plan A, I don't want to know what your plan B is." At this, Peeta grins wickedly. He gets up and walks to the kitchen. He comes back with a basket and sets it on the table as he sits back down and crosses his arms waiting for my reaction.

I cock my head to the side and narrow my eyes playfully at him. I can't help myself and peel back the cloth on top of the basket. At the first reveal of the top of a golden and round cheese bun I gasp and grab it up like someone will steal it from me. I rip it in half to reveal the melted cheese and stuff it in my mouth.

"Hmmmm" I hum out in satisfaction. I don't even stop myself this time and close my eyes to enjoy these delicious treats. When I've finished eating that half slowly, I allow myself to open my eyes and find Peeta staring at me with that intense look again. Like my display of enjoying his food ignited a fire behind his eyes. I stop myself from becoming embarrassed this time. I smile at him, hold his gaze, and simply say "My favorite."

"I know." His voice is lower and rougher as he says this and it makes my heart beat faster. He's looking at me like I'm his cheese bun. It shoots a thrill up my spine and I start to tingle.

"It's almost like you planned it." I say.

"I never said I didn't, just that I made too much food."

I smile at this. This is like the old Peeta. I glance around the room again taking in my surroundings while I munch away. I can just make out my house which now have the primrose bushes in front. You can't miss them. Prim. While I'm over here gorging myself and moaning like a fool, my sister is dead and it's my fault. The sadness hits me like a sack of bricks.

Peeta senses my mood change and looks to the window where my eyes fall. He must put it together pretty quickly, because he then says, "Katniss, she would want you to enjoy yourself."

"How can I? How could I, Peeta?" And in an instant the tears start falling and I'm reduced to a crying mess with a fork still in hand. Pathetic.

"Shhh shhhh" Peeta slides out of his chair and wraps his arms around me when he crouches beside my chair. I turn to him and curl up against his chest and sob. My mind plays the image of her being engulfed in fire over and over until I feel numb and the tears finally stop because there's no more to give. As I slowly regain my bearings on reality some time after my break down, I notice that the sun has set and I'm now on Peeta's couch. He must have carried me here. Peeta comes around with a glass of water and urges me to drink after he sits down directly beside me. He then pats my face dry and I notice the wet spot on his chest from my crying.

"I'm sorry. I ruined supper" I croak.

"No, Katniss. I just want to help you. I want your company no matter how you feel."

"What about you? What do you get out of it?"

He smiles and dips his head down closer to my eye level. "Well, maybe you didn't know this, but I'm not always a ray of sunshine either. I guess you'll have to form your own opinions about that."

"They didn't fix you?"

"They did as much as they could. It's not like I was in thirteen. I can keep a handle on it without going violent. But, the episodes will always be there."

"Oh." This makes me even sadder. Peeta will never be the same. "I'm sorry" I whisper.

"Hey. It's okay. We'll keep living because that's what they would want us to do, right?" Peeta reaches out and takes my hand. I let him take it and our fingers lace together. I know that Prim, Finnick, Rue, and everyone else would want us to move on. I just can't let myself.

"I can't Peeta. It's all my fault." Fat tears threaten to slide down my face again.

"Katniss. I know you feel responsible, but you're not. You have to know that. This was Snow and even Coin. But not you. They used you, Katniss. All of them. They used you and don't for a second think that any of this is your fault." Peeta becomes visibly angry and his pupils begin to dilate. He pushes up off of the couch suddenly and walks to the table where he grips the back of the chair I was sitting in.

"Peeta..?" I see his ribs expanding and contracting from deep breaths. Fear rips through me. Not for myself but for Peeta. I make to come after him but just as I decide to go I hear him say "NO!... No... Katniss... Stay... there." his words come out between breaths and I hear his clenched jaw as he speaks. I sit back down and look at Peeta helplessly. I watch his back heave for some time while I consider his words. Was I used? Wasn't it Snow's fault? And Coin's? No, I have to be responsible. Had I just played along then District Twelve wouldn't have been bombed, Finnick would be alive, and maybe even Prim would still be here.

"...Katniss..." I blink up to see that Peeta, now exhausted, is sitting in the chair raking his hands through his hair. "Katniss. You can't blame yourself..."

"Shh Peeta" I leap up and walk to his side where I brush his hair out of his face. His hair is now disheveled and I find it very becoming on Peeta who is usually so neat. "It's alright now. You're tired, we'll talk about this later." I take our food and cover it up and put it away. Peeta huffs in tired frustration in the chair. When I'm finished cleaning up, I realize I'm a loss for what to do next. The next logical step is to get him into bed, but I feel like that's an invasion of his privacy. Before, that wouldn't have been an issue, but sadly too much time and tragedy has passed between us and wedged us apart. I stand in the middle if the kitchen while I consider what other options I have, of which I fail to come up with any. Peeta must sense my predicament and musters up what energy he has left to put me out of my misery.

"Some supper, huh?" He tries to joke.

"Peeta, no. It was wonderful. This is my fault. I ruined-"

"Katniss. Stop. Just stop. No. You didn't."

I decide to leave it alone. As much as I want to stay and help him, it's obvious to me that my presence only makes him worse. First with my own breakdown, then causing his episode, and now we can't even agree on supper without draining him further. I hang my head and try to think of a polite thing to say before I sprint out the door.

"Katniss. Just listen." Peeta takes a deep breath and I brace myself. "Yes, people died. A lot of people. And, yes, people died from our direct actions. But think about before we were reaped. Don't you remember how bad it was? How everyone would have gladly laid down their lives to end it all? The Capitol, the mines, the starvation, ...the GAMES, Katniss? You were an answer. A right-place-right-time. But, this wouldn't have happened if everyone didn't want it. You're pretty amazing Katniss, you know I think you're incredible, but you're not so amazing that you can force a war on an entire nation."

I look down at my hands. Peeta's words just made me even more confused. I abandon finding my long lost polite parting words and just sprint to the door anyway. I'm out of his house, over the walkway, and through my door just in time to sob into the wall.