An Interview With a Twilight!Vampire
Summary: An interview regarding a wide range of topics from vampires, the Loch Ness Monster, to dishwashers, to living in Mars. You wouldn't want to miss it. "The Loch Ness Monster is your child? No way! This is history!"
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Expect nonesenselessness and mindless banters.
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mylife'sboat: Greetings, visitors! Welcome to a page of Fanfiction where a low class mortal, gets to interview a god-like, hottie vampire, created by Stephenie Meyer. We're here today with the presence of a pleasurable guest, Mr. Edward Cullen. Hello, Mr. Cullen.
Cullen: Hi—er, lowly human. How do you do?
mylife'sboat: How do you do, my shit. Let's get on with the interview proper, shall we?
Cullen: Certainly.
mylife'sboat: So, you're a vampire, huh?
Cullen: Uh—yes?
mylife'sboat: How is it like being one?
Cullen: It's awesome. You get super-brains, you're super-fast, you have super-strength. We're not even vulnerable to kryptonite. We're so cool, we even get to beat Superman.
mylife'sboat: So you're implying that if you ever get to meet Superman, you'll win against him?
Cullen: Yes, obviously. We have a strong coven, you see. We have Emmet, the one-level-higher super-strength, we have Carlisle, our family's immediate first aid, we have Alice, who can predict Superman's next moves so we're a step ahead of him. We're never beatable.
mylife'sboat: Seriously? You're actually beating Christopher Reeve's fame as the man of steel. Anyway, you were talking about kryptonite earlier. What about silver bullets? Don't they hurt you in any way?
Cullen: No way. Like I said, we're unbeatable.
mylife'sboat: How about crucifixes?
Cullen: In case you wouldn't ask, we're Catholics.
mylife'sboat: How about when you go out in sunlight? Don't you burn or something?
Cullen: That's actually an old myth spread by an unrealistically jealous enemy, the werewolves, but no, we don't burn. We actually sparkle.
mylife'sboat: So, you put glitters on your skin or something? What are you, gay?
Cullen: No, it's very natural. Us, vampires are like that. You wouldn't know because you're not like one, idiot. Another thing, I'm straight! I actually have wife, a supermodel-like Bella Swan-Cullen and a kiddo, Renesmee Cullen. They're really precious to me, especially Bella. When we have sex, the headboard actually—
mylife'sboat: Sorry to disappoint you but this is PG-15 rated so we can't talk about sex here. Anyway, you've mentioned your child, Renesmee. Vampires actually bear children?
Cullen: We had her when Bella was still human, and then I turned her to a monster when she bore Nessie . . .
mylife'sboat: Loch Ness Monster?
Cullen: No! My child, Nessie!
mylife'sboat: Oh, pardon me. Please continue—wait! You have a hybrid child?
Cullen: Uh, yes. And—
mylife'sboat: No wonder the name's hybrid too.
Cullen: Will you just let me finish?!
mylife'sboat: Oh, please forgive me.
Cullen: Anyway, where were we again?
mylife'sboat: You were talking about the Loch Ness Monster.
Cullen: She's my child, Nessie!
mylife'sboat: The Loch Ness Monster is your child? No way! This is history!
Cullen: No—can I walk out now?
mylife'sboat: NO! I still have more questions! Going back to sunlight—I've read that vampires' eyes are really sensitive to bright rays. Do you wear sunglasses when you go out in broad daylight?
Cullen: We're like models so we wear sunglasses for style but no, we can actually look directly into the sun because our eyes are very perceptive. Our vision is so sharp and microscope-like, I can actually count the number of the cells in your body right now. Do you want me to count them?
mylife'sboat: No, thanks. Er—moving on. Do you sleep in coffins? I heard you sleep upside down like bats. Is this true?
Cullen: No, in any way. We're not weirdos, you know. Apart from our diet, we live like normal people. Our dwellings are pretty normal too. Since Carlisle has been a doctor for over a hundred years now, we have big bucks so we have a large house within the forest of Forks (for our family secrecy, that is).
mylife'sboat: Wow. Glass windows?
Cullen: Large.
mylife'sboat: Cool, I want your house! Er—anyway. You were talking about your diet earlier. Do you really drink human blood?
Cullen: No. We're vegetarians.
mylife'sboat: That must be cool! Personally, I also want to be a vegan but two hours later after my first attempt, I gave up. I hate tofu.
Cullen: We don't eat tofu.
mylife'sboat: Apples?
Cullen: We devour animal—
mylife'sboat: WHAT?
Cullen: —blood.
mylife'sboat: I thought you were vegetarians? Shouldn't you be drinking tomato juice or something? Don't vegetarians support animal rights? This is injustice!
Cullen: You're freaking me out.
mylife'sboat: But you actually eat animals!!! Animals!!! You're not vegetarian at all! Did you even go to high school?
Cullen: Eight times.
mylife'sboat: That's it. I've arrived to the general conclusion that you are an idiot.
Cullen: No! We have super-brains!
mylife'sboat: Oh, yeah? Why do you have to repeat high school, then? . . . No, don't answer that. I don't want to know.
Cullen: I should really walk out of this interview . . .
mylife'sboat: No! I'm not yet finished! Er—so, where's your coven settling now?
Cullen: We're living in Forks. Bella's father is—
mylife'sboat: Is it fun there?
Cullen: Excuse me?
mylife'sboat: Inside a dishwasher, that is.
Cullen: Sorry?
mylife'sboat: Just as I thought, you can't comprehend human IQ. Don't worry, I won't be too cruel.
Cullen: . . .
mylife'sboat: Please talk about your family.
Cullen: Well, the head of our coven is Carlisle—
mylife'sboat: Is it long?
Cullen: Is what long?
mylife'sboat: Carlisle's. Is it long?
Cullen: Er—I haven't seen it yet, though. Maybe you should ask Esme. Where is this heading?
mylife'sboat: I was talking about his story, not his penis you homosexual freak, because, you know, we don't have much time in the world to waste. We should skip that. Let's move on to 'Killing Vampires.' Are you afraid of holy water—oh, right. You're Catholic. How about stakes?
Cullen: Uh, no.
mylife'sboat: Poison? Mixed liquid soap and muriatic acid?
Cullen: No.
mylife'sboat: Overdose of Valium?
Cullen: No.
mylife'sboat: Beheading?
Cullen: By bare human hands, no. Not even knives. Only vampires kill vampires.
mylife'sboat: How about I burn you?
Cullen: If you can catch me, which I doubt.
mylife'sboat: So, basically, you can't be killed by humans, not even silver bullets. Not even anything silver. We can't even take advantage of you during the daylight. Can't we have the earth for us, humans alone? Are you even a vampire?
Cullen: We eat here. And yes, I am. It's called uniqueness.
mylife'sboat: (More like weird wannabes.) You can't die in hunger nonetheless, so what's the point? Go to Mars and fuck off, bastard.
Cullen: The Volturi won't allow it.
mylife'sboat: Excuse me, I don't speak Idiot?
Cullen: The Volturi are vampire law-makers.
mylife'sboat: Is murder included in your law?
Cullen: No.
mylife'sboat: How about random stalking and breaking-and-entering?
Cullen: No.
mylife'sboat: How about—
Cullen: No.
mylife'sboat: What does it include, then?
Cullen: Killing people who know our secrets?
mylife'sboat: What is wrong with you, creatures? You actually let innocent blood spill? That's violation of human rights, freaking bastard! We're letting you live here! Respect us! Or else go to Mars! Or Neptune! There are aliens there! Feed on them! GOSH, you're making me fume in anger. Garcia! Where's that stake? Light the fireplace, I'm going to fucking kill this asshole!
Garcia: mylife'sboat, we're still on air.
mylife'sboat: Oh, sorry guys. Let's move on, shall we? Er—so you actually commit crimes and get away with them?
Cullen: Er, yes.
mylife'sboat: And you still get a happily-ever-after ending?
Cullen: Yes?
mylife'sboat: And you deserve it?
Cullen: I deserve it.
mylife'sboat: Am I allowed to kill you now?
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES]
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Notes of the Author: Does it make any sense to you? Well it doesn't make sense to me either.