"I Can Do This" by Raloria
Notes: Oneshot. Dean's POV from a scene in S2's Croatoan episode.This story also mentions The Secret told to Dean by John in IMTOD and revealed in Hunted.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sam or Dean or any of the other characters from the episode Croatoan. I only own Dean Winchester...in my dreams.
Duane Tanner has to die. This is what I tell myself as I enter the room, my gun ready. Duane instantly realizes what's about to happen and tries to defend himself. He's tied to a chair, so he can only verbally plead for his life.
Dr. Lee says she can't tell if he's infected and Pam thinks we're all going to die. The sergeant says maybe he's telling the truth. This is a close-knit town. These people all know each other. We're the strangers here and we're killing them.
I'm killing them.
I killed this young man's father and mother already. And his brother would have been killed too if Sam had just taken the shot like he should have. Sam's always had a soft spot, though, so it really doesn't surprise me. I got on his case for not shooting the kid, but part of me is glad he didn't. Sam's no killer. I don't want him to be.
So now it's up to me to do what has to be done. The whole town is succumbing to this virus and we can't take any chances. It's just the four of us now.
I tell them I've got no choice and Duane starts sobbing. I aim my gun and steady my gaze on my target. He's telling me he's not infected, but I can't believe that. The cut on his leg could mean anything. It could just be a normal cut, but it might be something more. He could infect us all. I tell myself he's not really human anymore. He's just another supernatural evil that needs to be eliminated. Duane's eyes register a human fear, though, the fear of death. But I can't let him influence me. I have to do this. I can do this. It's the only way.
"It's not in me! I swear it's not in me!", he begs. He looks into my eyes for mercy, but I refuse to give him any comfort. I'm doing what I was trained to do, destroy evil. For a moment I realize I'm about to fulfill Sam's vision which brought us here in the first place. Sam tried to stop me, but this needs to be done. I'm the only one who can do it. I know he's been worried about me. He reminded me again that I've changed. I take in his concern and then file it away. What could he possibly know about worry? He has no idea what I've been dealing with. It's no wonder I'm different.
A question flashes through my brain...how did I wind up being the one to kill all these things? Why is this my responsibility? I already know the answer...Dad. He's the one who trained me and then left me with this mission in life. I never had a choice. So I follow his orders and I hunt and kill. But Dad left me with more than just this quest. More than watching out for Sammy. Now I have a new responsibility, one I made a promise on to Dad. I still can't believe I heard those awful words come out of his mouth.
You have to save Sammy, no matter what happens. And if you can't...Dean, you'll have to kill him.
As ludicrous as it sounds, I found myself promising him I would do it. After all, I'm the good little soldier who always follows orders. This is my job, no questions asked. But to kill Sammy...
Duane's still crying in front of me. My finger curls around the trigger, the cold metal sending a small shiver down my body. I suddenly realize I've been standing here a long time, too long. It couldn't be that I'm hesitating. I have no reason to. Duane has to die. He's just like any other supernatural being. Like a shapeshifter or a shtriga.
Duane's fear is filling the room and it's starting to get to me. My finger pulls away from the trigger. I can do this, I hear my mind saying. Duane looks up at me again as he tries to gain some control, but the fear...the terror is still there. He looks young, something I didn't notice before. For a moment I wonder...what am I doing? I blink and suddenly Sam is in the chair, not Duane. I can hear Dad's voice in my mind...
Dean, you'll have to kill him.
But I can't. Sam's not evil.
He never will be. I promised to look out for him and I always will.
There's no way Sam would become a killer.
Duane sobs again and I see him once more. My lip is trembling as I press my finger to the trigger again. Why is this so hard? I can do this. Duane is evil...I have to kill him. Sam is evil...I have to kill him.
I can do this. I can pull the trigger and kill this man. I can do this.
Dad, why did you make me promise?
Sammy...God, Sammy...I can't do this.
My finger pulls away and I lower the gun, trying not to show the shakiness I feel inside. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and Duane starts to regain his composure. I couldn't do it. It should have been so easy. What did Sam say? This is supposed to be tough? I never even considered that before. Killing things is easy for me, it always has been. But how am I supposed to kill my own brother? How can I possibly carry this burden anymore?
I return to the hallway and take a minute to collect myself before I unlock the door and let Sam out of the room. He's going to be pissed at me for that, I know. He'll also want to know why I didn't go through with it and kill Duane Tanner. What am I supposed to say? I suddenly had a change of heart? I saw my own brother in that chair and heard Dad's voice in my head telling me I had to do this? I decide on silence for the time being. I've gotten good at that...keeping things from Sam. I'm not supposed to tell him I might have to kill him someday, but part of me wants him to know. Maybe it'll lift some of this heavy weight off my shoulders for once. But a promise is a promise and I'm a good little soldier. I just have to follow orders like I've always done. This is what Dad expects of me. Watch out for Sammy. Save Sammy. Nothing else matters.
I can do this.