THE RULES OF ACQUISITION

George Glisson

Started:17th July, 2011

CHAPTER 1- ONLY FOOLS PAY RETAIL

It had been a while since Waylon Smithers, Jr had been to Cockamamie's Collectables...ever since he'd had that falling out with the owner, John, visiting just seemed to be emotionally taxing. He didn't know what had possessed him, but he found himself stiffly walking through the doors and into the cluttered shop on that dreary Thursday evening. He had to admit, after such a rough day, this was a better idea than going home and drinking himself to sleep. Looking around, he noticed that not much was different from the last time he'd been there, weeks ago. Business must have been slow lately.

"Welcome to Cockamamie's, I'll be righ-Waylon." Upon seeing Smithers, John walked out from behind a rather large pile of Malibu Stacy Doll boxes that he had been adding to inventory. Smithers didn't look at John. His eyes carefully scanned the pile of boxes, even though he knew he already had every single Malibu Stacy Doll there was.

"Hey, John." Smithers said in a dull tone. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He didn't really want to deal with John at the moment, but something had drawn him to the shop, and he wanted to know what it was.

John could tell that Smithers didn't really want to talk to him, and yet...there he was...

"How's life been treating you?" John asked cautiously.

"...Fine. Just fine." Smithers said unconvincingly.

John nodded knowingly. He must be having trouble at work.

"What do you need?" He asked. It was a little bold; he knew fully well that Smithers wouldn't want to answer his question. He went back to his work, adding the pile before him to inventory.

Smithers hesitated. He didn't want to say too much about his day, because he knew John. Saying anything remotely intimate would probably trigger one of those long, drawn out, heart-to-heart conversations they used to have. Considering his day, that just wasn't something he wanted to do at the moment.

"I don't know...I was just in the neighbourhood...figured I'd...stop by..." He said vaguely.

John sighed. He stopped working again and walked over to face Smithers.

"Waylon, what's wrong?"

Smithers turned away from John. "I..."

"Let me guess: You don't want to talk about it." John said knowingly.

Smithers sighed. "No. No, not really..." He said matter-of-factly.

John gave Smithers a long look. "But you need to anyway, don't you?" He asked, walking behind Smithers and rubbing his shoulders, finding them so tense they were hard as rock.

"John, please...not here." Smithers shrugged out of John's reach, walking towards the pile of new inventory. "I...I just want to...get a book or something and go home..."

"Waylon, don't make excuses...if you need to talk, you know, I'm here for you...always." John said, but he noticed that Smithers wasn't paying any attention to him; something in the pile of new inventory had caught his eye. Smithers picked up an old, brown book and blew the dust off of it. By the looks of it, it had been donated; it wasn't in particularly good shape and it almost looked as if it had been dragged behind a car. The title, in golden letters on the front, read "The RULES OF ACQUISITION: How to be a Successful (and Ruthless) Businessman".

His curiosity piqued, he opened the book. It was in a list format. He read the first rule.

"#1: Once you have their money, you never give it back."

Intrigued, he flipped to the end and read the first rule he saw.

"#211: Employees are the rungs on the ladder to success. Don't hesitate to step on them."

That sounded like a rule Mr. Burns had followed all his life.

He flipped back closer to the beginning and read another rule.

"#33: It never hurts to suck up to the boss."

Smithers smiled.

"How much?" Smithers asked without giving it a second thought.

John looked a bit surprised and a little taken aback. "F-for that? Uhh...It's not in very good condition is it-"

"How much?" Smithers asked again, impatiently this time.

"Well, I...guess I'd say 10..." John said.

Smithers got his wallet, took out a ten and a five and placed them on the counter.

"Keep the change." He said, starting to walk away from the counter, his nose still in the book.

"W-wait," John called, running and stopping in front of Smithers before he got out the door. "Waylon, you have to tell me what's bothering you before I'll let you walk out of this store!"

Smithers sighed, closed the book, and looked up at John. John wore an expectant and endearingly concerned look on his face. He really was a handsome guy. Smithers, all at once, knew why he had taken a chance on John and why he had let him go. He looked around to see if anyone else was in the store. Nobody else was around.

"...Look, John...you aren't gonna like it..."

John lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes. "Ah, this has something to do with Mr. Burns, doesn't it?" He said the old man's name as if it were poisonous.

Smithers looked down and grimaced as he thought about his horrible day at work. He didn't like the way John had said Burns' name, but he figured he couldn't blame him. Mr. Burns was the very reason he'd left John.

"Yeah. It does..." He said, failing to keep his frustration from seeping into his voice.

"I can't believe you still care about him after all the stress he causes you," John said, his frustration just as apparent as Smithers'.

"Look, It's...it's just worth it, Ok?" Smithers said, angrily.

"No, It's not ok! He treats you like dirt! I can't believe you fell in love with the devil himself!" John cried.

"No, John, the devil wears Chanel No. 5...and her name is Carolyn!" Smithers yelled and stormed out of the store.

First Chapter has been posted! XD I'll be posting chapters 2 and 3 here later...if you'd like to read them, please visit my deviantart gallery...

Well, well, well...looks like Mr. Burns is in love with a woman again...which, of course, bothers his assistant Smithers to no end...but all we know about her is that her name is Carolyn and that she wears Chanel No. 5...
Is she really the devil as Smithers says she is, or is he just jealous?

The Rules of Acquisition? Really! George, are you that much of a nerd?
Why yes, I am. Call me worse than Comic Book Guy. But I have my reasons. The Rules of Acquisition gave me the whole idea for this story, and so they deserve much more than just an honourable mention.
(Of course, this can't necessarily be considered a crossover between Star Trek and The Simpsons because no Star Trek characters really appear in it...right?)

I'm working on chapter 4 already, so I hope to get that posted on DA and on here soon enough. XD Hope you like it so far!

I own no rights to the following:
The Rules of Acquisition (c) Paramount CBS
The Simpsons, Waylon Smithers Jr, John, Cockamamie's Collectables, Malibu Stacy, C. Montgomery Burns (c) Matt Groening and FOX