He loved her. Loved her like he had never loved anyone else and probably never would again. She was his friend and always had been, so these feelings that now threatened to over take him were new, unexpected and yet somehow right. Why not love your best friend? Who else knows you, the deepest darkest parts of you, the truth and the lies you tell the world and still remains your friend? Now that he had come to the realization that what he felt for her was love, how did he go about telling her. Or did he tell her. Would it be something better left unspoken. After all, if he told her and she didn't feel the same, then things could get uncomfortable and he may loose her friendship and that was a very important thing to him. Taking his coat and keys he left the office and made his way home. Another lonely night of cold pizza and bad TV.
"I love you Pam. I never meant to fall in love with you and I certainly never planned on telling you like this. Even if I planned on telling you at all. You are my best friend. The one thing that gets me through that office door every morning is knowing that you are on the other side. That I am going to see your smile, hear your voice and know that my day isn't going to be so bad." Jim looked down not knowing where all those words had come from. Pam shifted restlessly in her spot, not sure how to respond.
"And I'll tell you something else, Pam, I do enjoy your company... I do enjoy the thought of pouring all my energy into you like a man should treat a woman and taking you to a feeling - not cause its an ego thing or a conquest thing, but because I think you deserve that... Sure, I think I could do it and do it well... and the idea that you think I am worthy enough to have you.
Pam didn't know how to reply. She had never had anyone say these things to her. Never had anyone care. Roy certainly had never said anything like this to her.
"Jim, I can't do this. I belong to someone else. He needs me. I take care of him." She tried to explain her relationship, all the while wondering if she even understood it.
"What about you? Huh? Who takes care of you? I sure don't see him doing it. Oh God Pam, you are worth so much more than what he gives you. You deserve so much more than he gives you. He treats you like an afterthought. Doesn't believe in your talent, or your dreams. I see you putting your life on hold for him and I can't stand by and watch you do it anymore. I love you. I respect you. I want to take care of you. I want to make all your dreams come true. Encourage your talent and cheer you on no matter what you do." Jim was saying everything at once. Everything that he had held in for so long just came pouring out. He wondered if he was even making any sense. She looked so confused right now. Like she had no idea whether to stay, or run as far away from him as she could get. He wouldn't blame her if she did run.
"Roy cares, he's just practical. He keeps me grounded and focused on what is important." Pam stuttered out. Why was she defending herself and her relationship to Jim, she wondered to herself. Because you care about what he thinks, and deep down you know he's right. Pam put her hands over her ears trying to block out the voice she knew was right.
"That's a load of bull. He keeps you down, not grounded and the only things that are important are things that he wants. He has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't have left you alone here tonight."
"I. . . you don't understand the way it is with us. I have to marry him. I have obligations. I can't just run away on a trip when things get rough." Immediately she regretted her words. "Jim, I 'm sorry. I. . . . . " She made a move towards him.
"No, no you're right" He said, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I am running away. But if running away means I don't have to come to a church and watch you walk down the aisle to a man who doesn't deserve you, then that is exactly what I'm going to do."
"You can't even come to support me?" She knew the answer before she even asked.
"Not when I want to be the man you are walking down the aisle to. I'm not that strong Pam. I can't do it. I'm sorry I said anything to you. Just go on, marry him. Live what you think is the perfect life and I'll go on my way." He turns and walks towards his car. She stands there wondering. . . . . . . . . . . .
Chapter 2
Stupid. That's what he was. Stupid. Not only had he just embarrassed himself, had his heart broken, he had probably also just lost his best friend. What a night. Jim thought to himself as he drove home. Home to an empty apartment, an empty bed, an even emptier life. He was wondering how much worse his life could get just as the pickup truck ran the red light…………..
There's been an accident. Drunk driver. Jaws of life. Airlifted. Critical condition. All the words spoken by the trooper when he had called her. They had found Jim's cell phone and her number was the first one listed. "How are you related to the victim?" He asked her. Pam knew enough to say she was more than his best friend. Best friends didn't get information or updates or a say in treatments. Glancing down at Roy's ring on her finger, she replies. "I'm his fiancé."
After calling Jim's parents she had made her way to the admissions office where she provided them with all of his insurance and other needed information. She made her way to the CICU and was shown to his room. Standing in the doorway she looked at him. He was hooked up to several machines and had monitors surrounding him. Going to his side she sat down and took his hand. The trooper had told her that the truck has struck Jim's side of the car and had pinned him under the steering wheel and dash. The doctor had told her that he had internal injuries from the force of the impact. He had broken ribs, as well as a broken leg and arm. Once they had him stabilized they had operated to set the bones and repair the internal damage. Now, the only thing to do was to wait on Jim regain consciousness. The doctor had said that last part like there was some chance that Jim wouldn't wake up. Pam had just stared at him in disbelief, not wanting to ask the question and even more not wanting to hear the answer. He would wake up. He had to. She couldn't loose him. She needed him. Right now though, he needed her and she was going to stay by his side. Just then the nurse came into the room.
"Your fiancé is a very lucky man." She stated as she checked the readouts on the monitor. "He has a strong will."
"Yes he does. He
Stupid. That's what he was. Stupid. Not only had he just embarrassed himself, had his heart broken, he had probably also just lost his best friend. What a night. Jim thought to himself as he drove home. Home to an empty apartment, an empty bed, an even emptier life. He was wondering how much worse his life could get just as the pickup truck ran the red light…………..
There's been an accident. Drunk driver. Jaws of life. Airlifted. Critical condition. All the words spoken by the trooper when he had called her. They had found Jim's cell phone and her number was the first one listed. "How are you related to the victim?" He asked her. Pam knew enough to say she was more than his best friend. Best friends didn't get information or updates or a say in treatments. Glancing down at Roy's ring on her finger, she replies. "I'm his fiancé."
After calling Jim's parents she had made her way to the admissions office where she provided them with all of his insurance and other needed information. She made her way to the CICU and was shown to his room. Standing in the doorway she looked at him. He was hooked up to several machines and had monitors surrounding him. Going to his side she sat down and took his hand. The trooper had told her that the truck has struck Jim's side of the car and had pinned him under the steering wheel and dash. The doctor had told her that he had internal injuries from the force of the impact. He had broken ribs, as well as a broken leg and arm. Once they had him stabilized they had operated to set the bones and repair the internal damage. Now, the only thing to do was to wait on Jim regain consciousness. The doctor had said that last part like there was some chance that Jim wouldn't wake up. Pam had just stared at him in disbelief, not wanting to ask the question and even more not wanting to hear the answer. He would wake up. He had to. She couldn't loose him. She needed him. Right now though, he needed her and she was going to stay by his side. Just then the nurse came into the room.
"How is he?" Pam asked as the nurse started checking the monitors.
"I'm afraid there hasn't been any change. I'm sorry." She left the room.
I'm sorry. What does that mean anyway? Pam thought. I'm sorry is something you say when you bump into someone or spill your drink. I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover the feeling someone has when their best friend is lying in a hospital bed dying. Tears starting pouring down her face. Tears of sadness, fear but most of all regret. Regret that she hadn't responded to Jim the way she wanted to. Regret that if she had, he would not have driven off when he did and straight into the path of a drunk driver. What would have been so hard about looking up at him when he said "I love you" and responding "I love you too"? When it was truth. A truth that up until the moment she saw Jim lying there had been buried. Buried under false feelings of love for Roy, feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone, feelings of doing the right thing. Seeing Jim there had made her realize that none of things mattered. She just hoped it wasn't too late to correct the many wrongs.
Taking Jim's hand in hers she held it to her face. The little girl in her that still believed in fairy tales wanted her tears to be magic and that he would wake up when he felt them. The woman in her that knew this fairy tale might have a tragic ending, just wanted him to know she was here.
The next morning Pam woke up at the sound of the doctor coming through the door. "Ms. Beasley?"
"Yes." She straightened up in the chair and focused on the doctor.
"Mr. Halpert's condition has not improved. I'm afraid that if he stays this way much longer there is very little hope. I'm sorry." He place his hand on her shoulder.
Those two damn words again. Pam felt the anger building inside. "You're sorry? Well you know what I am sorry about? I'm sorry that all you and your staff can do is tell me the negatives and the bad stuff. What about the good stuff, huh? What about experimental treatments and new drugs and all the other stuff you could be telling me but aren't?" Pam said in such a loud voice that she surprised herself.
"Miss Beasley, please calm down. You're not doing Jim or yourself any good by getting upset." The doctor placed his hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry. Its just that I'm so scared I'm going to loose him. I can't loose him, I can't. He means everything to me, and stupid me is just now realizing it." Pam replied.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on him." As he left the room Pam made her way back over to the bed. Sitting down she again took his hand in hers.
"Come back to me Halpert, you have to come back to me." She said as she laid her head on his chest, not seeing the looming figure in the doorway.
Deep inside his mind Jim was battling that age old battle between clinging on to life or giving up. Part of him was saying to let go, give up and see what was on the other side. The other part was saying that he needed to hold on, to fight. Fight for what? The girl he loved didn't love him. His job sucked. Of course, there would be the fun he could have with Dwight if he did go back. Dwight with all his weird beliefs would be easy to sucker with one story after another of the afterlife and his adventures there. But going back and having to face Pam was the hardest part of the decision. Could he go back and see her married to a jerk who didn't deserve her? His heart was trying to get in on the struggle. Telling him that maybe he had opened Pam's eyes. Maybe she would realize what Jim could give her. Then his mind battled back with the uncertainty of what condition he would be in if he did go back. Growing tired of the battle, he tried to rest and get his mind and body to focus on what was going on around him instead of inside. That's when he felt a pressure on his chest and heard the voice of the man who didn't deserve the woman Jim loved.
"What's going on here Pam?" Roy asked stepping into the room.
"Roy, what are you doing here?" Pam jerked her head up.
"I'm here to see why you haven't been home since this happened. Why you seem to have moved in here."
"I'm here because Jim needs me." She replied.
"Well I need you to babe." He responded playing with her hair.
This is a different side of Roy. He never tells me he needs me. This is going to be harder than I thought. He does care and is going to be so hurt when I tell him that its over.
"You need me?"
"Yeah I need you. I need some clean uniforms for work and I can't live on take out forever Pam."
"How is he?" Pam asked as the nurse started checking the monitors.
"I'm afraid there hasn't been any change. I'm sorry." She left the room.
I'm sorry. What does that mean anyway? Pam thought. I'm sorry is something you say when you bump into someone or spill your drink. I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover the feeling someone has when their best friend is lying in a hospital bed dying. Tears starting pouring down her face. Tears of sadness, fear but most of all regret. Regret that she hadn't responded to Jim the way she wanted to. Regret that if she had, he would not have driven off when he did and straight into the path of a drunk driver. What would have been so hard about looking up at him when he said "I love you" and responding "I love you too"? When it was truth. A truth that up until the moment she saw Jim lying there had been buried. Buried under false feelings of love for Roy, feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone, feelings of doing the right thing. Seeing Jim there had made her realize that none of things mattered. She just hoped it wasn't too late to correct the many wrongs.
Taking Jim's hand in hers she held it to her face. The little girl in her that still believed in fairy tales wanted her tears to be magic and that he would wake up when he felt them. The woman in her that knew this fairy tale might have a tragic ending, just wanted him to know she was here.
The next morning Pam woke up at the sound of the doctor coming through the door. "Ms. Beasley?"
"Yes." She straightened up in the chair and focused on the doctor.
"Mr. Halpert's condition has not improved. I'm afraid that if he stays this way much longer there is very little hope. I'm sorry." He place his hand on her shoulder.
Those two damn words again. Pam felt the anger building inside. "You're sorry? Well you know what I am sorry about? I'm sorry that all you and your staff can do is tell me the negatives and the bad stuff. What about the good stuff, huh? What about experimental treatments and new drugs and all the other stuff you could be telling me but aren't?" Pam said in such a loud voice that she surprised herself.
"Miss Beasley, please calm down. You're not doing Jim or yourself any good by getting upset." The doctor placed his hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry. Its just that I'm so scared I'm going to loose him. I can't loose him, I can't. He means everything to me, and stupid me is just now realizing it." Pam replied.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on him." As he left the room Pam made her way back over to the bed. Sitting down she again took his hand in hers.
"Come back to me Halpert, you have to come back to me." She said as she laid her head on his chest, not seeing the looming figure in the doorway.
Deep inside his mind Jim was battling that age old battle between clinging on to life or giving up. Part of him was saying to let go, give up and see what was on the other side. The other part was saying that he needed to hold on, to fight. Fight for what? The girl he loved didn't love him. His job sucked. Of course, there would be the fun he could have with Dwight if he did go back. Dwight with all his weird beliefs would be easy to sucker with one story after another of the afterlife and his adventures there. But going back and having to face Pam was the hardest part of the decision. Could he go back and see her married to a jerk who didn't deserve her? His heart was trying to get in on the struggle. Telling him that maybe he had opened Pam's eyes. Maybe she would realize what Jim could give her. Then his mind battled back with the uncertainty of what condition he would be in if he did go back. Growing tired of the battle, he tried to rest and get his mind and body to focus on what was going on around him instead of inside. That's when he felt a pressure on his chest and heard the voice of the man who didn't deserve the woman Jim loved.
"What's going on here Pam?" Roy asked stepping into the room.
"Roy, what are you doing here?" Pam jerked her head up.
"I'm here to see why you haven't been home since this happened. Why you seem to have moved in here."
"I'm here because Jim needs me." She replied.
"Well I need you to babe." He responded playing with her hair.
This is a different side of Roy. He never tells me he needs me. This is going to be harder than I thought. He does care and is going to be so hurt when I tell him that its over.
"You need me?"
"Yeah I need you. I need some clean uniforms for work and I can't live on take out forever Pam."
"I'm sorry Roy, but I can't marry you. It would be fair to any of us." Pam took his ring off her finger and handed it to him.
"Come on babe. Don't get all emotional. Its ok. You're just confused right now and not thinking straight." Roy tried to touch her.
"No, don't touch me." Pam recoiled away from him. "I'm finally thinking straight for the first time."
"This isn't over Pam. I'm going to give up. I'm not going to loose you." Roy said and then stormed out of the room.
You lost me the day I met Jim Halpert. Pam thought to herself. It just took me this long to acknowledge it.
After Roy left, Pam went and stood at the window. Looking out into the parking lot she noticed Roy getting into Darrell's truck, not his own. I wonder where his truck is? She thought. He loves that stupid thing. Roy was also moving stiffly, she hadn't noticed it before when he was talking to her. What is going on?
Inside his mind, Jim was again struggling with the decision. Having heard Pam's exchange with Roy, he began to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe she didn't love Roy, maybe she did love him after all. Deciding to see what fate had in store for him, he slowly starting making his way back.
Just then, she heard a moan from the bed.
"Jim?" She said, rushing to his side. "Jim can you hear me?" She placed her hand on his face.
Not getting an answer she laid her head back down on his chest. "I love you." She whispered
"I love you too." Came the reply. Pam's head shot up and found Jim's eyes open and looking at her.
"Oh, Jim. You came back to me." She smile through her tears.
"Do you mean it? You love me? You're just not saying that because I'm in here?" Jim asked.
"No, I mean it. I love you. I have for so long. I just wish I had been strong enough to tell you before. Before any of this happened. I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" She sobbed
"Don't cry. Please don't cry. A man can't stand to see the woman he loves cry. As for forgiving you, there is nothing to forgive. To hear you say those three words back to me, I would have gone through any pain." He reached out and touched her face. "Now tell me again, so I can see your face when you tell me."
Looking deep into his eyes, she smiled and said. "I love you." She bent down and kissed his lips.
He tried to pull her into an embrace, but his sore body rejected the idea. "Oh that hurt." He laughed. "I promise when I get out of here to hold you."
"I'm going to hold you to that promise and any others you might want to make to me. Oh, by the way, not to scare you, but if any of the staff refer to me as your finance, you might want to along."
"And why would they think that?" Jim grinned.
"Well, I might have led them to believe that. I knew that I wouldn't get anywhere with any of them, just telling them that you were my best friend. You aren't freaked out are you?" She searched his eyes for any sign.
"No, no, no, not at all. In fact, I'm glad you thought of it." He replied
"You are?" She asked.
"Yep, cause that way, when its true, you will have already had practice at being the future Mrs. Jim Halpert." He replied. Turning serious he said, "I heard Roy in here earlier talking to you. I would rather you waited until I was out of here and able to be with you when you break it off with him. I don't really trust him and I worry about you."
"Jim, I don't think Roy would ever hurt me."
"Well, I don't trust him. Guys can pick up on these things Pam. I think he is capable of doing a lot more harm than you think and I just don't want you alone with him if he decides to prove me right. Promise me you won't go anywhere around him alone." He held her hand looking into her eyes.
"I promise, but I still think you're worried for nothing." She smiled at him.
There was a knock on the door and they both turned to see a police office standing there. "Mr. Halpert?" He asked coming into the room.
"Yeah." Jim tried to set up a little more in the bed.
"I am Officer Dorn. I have some information on the driver of the truck who hit you. We found his truck at a body shop where they specialize in fixing up cars involved in accidents where the drivers were drunk or negligent. The drivers pay a tidy sum to have all traces of their mistakes fixed. However, we had gotten a tip this was going on, and had been watching the place for any signs of cars suspected in drive offs. The truck was registered to a guy named Roy Anderson……….."
Jim and Pam both stared at each other. Neither wanting to believe that Roy was the driver, but both knowing that he had a habit of driving after drinking.
The officer noticed the looks passing between them. "Do you know this person?"
"Yes." Pam replied. "He used to be my fiancé. He works with us at Dunder Miflin." Jim seeing the hard time Pam was having with the words, held tighter to her hand.
"What will you do now?" Jim asked.
"A warrant has been issued for his arrest. He'll be picked up and held until his trial. The judge will most likely deny bail since it was a hit and run." The officer finished writing in his notebook and closed it. "I'll be in touch Mr. Halpert. We will need you to testify at the trial so please let us know where you will be staying when you are discharged. Have a good day."
Once he left, Pam and Jim sat in silence for several minutes. Finally Jim spoke. "I meant what I said Pam, I don't want you anywhere near him. Don't go back to the apartment until he's locked up. Once he's behind bars we'll get your stuff and move you out."
Pam shook her head. "I knew I would be moving out when I called off the engagement, but it never occurred to me that I don't know where I'll go."
"What do you mean?" Jim replied. "You'll move in with me. I don't want you out of my sight."
"Are you sure?" Pam asked.
"Pam, I have wanted to be with you since the first day you looked up at me and smiled. I knew right then that you were the only girl for me."
"It must have been hard, seeing me with Roy all the time."
"It was. But I made up my mind that I was going to be happy with having you in life any way I could. And even though I never wanted you to have to go through the hard time I knew it would bring, deep down I always knew that your relationship with him would never work and that you holding onto something that you should have let go of a long time ago. And I knew that when that day came, I was going to be there for you. First as your best friend to help you get through it, and then when you were ready, I would be there to show you how much I love you and how you should be treated." Jim kissed her hand.
"I don't know what to say. I can't believe I never realized how unheathly my relationship with him was, or never realized how healthy our was. And how important you had become to me. I'm sorry, but I promise to make it up to you. We are going to get through this together and when its all over, we'll be the best of the best."
"The best of the best?" Jim questioned.
"Yeah, the best friends and the best lovers." Pam replied.
"I like the way you think." Jim pulled her to him and kissed her.
It's a great thing when you love your best friend. You can get through anything because a relationship that started out as friendship, never fails you.