Special thanks to NWCountrygirl17 for being such an amazing beta, un-sticker coauthor for this story. It's been such a pleasure chatting with you about all things Star Trek. You're incredible, girl!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Just having fun!
Lieutenant Nyota Uhura checked the temperature of the water for what seemed like the millionth time. To distract herself and settle her nerves, she hummed an obscure Andorian military tune, one that would not have been the most obvious choice for the mood she was attempting to set.
It was logical for them to share quarters. After five years of dating, it was time. During their Academy days, whenever they were able to spend the night together, it was usually at Spock's apartment, since he didn't have a roommate, and well… Gaila.
As he always said, it was logical.
On the old, lost Enterprise, they'd maintained separate lodgings, although they'd spent many nights together. More often than not, if their shifts coincided, they ended up in his. As First Officer, he had the second-largest quarters on the ship, with two bedrooms (one of which doubled as his meditation chamber), a shower with actual water (not just sonics), and a modest living area. The spare furnishings and precisely placed personal items provided an atmosphere of calm, much unlike her colorful, crowded rooms filled with sentimental items she'd brought from Earth and acquired from their travels across the galaxy.
Strangely enough, for all his Vulcan love of order and logic, Spock had seemed to enjoy spending nights in her chaotic lodgings as much as she preferred being in his. In fact, when he came to her quarters the week before they arrived at Yorktown for that long-overdue shore leave, she'd wondered if he was proposing such a move…
Deep down, she knew that wasn't it.
But she had hoped.
Until he broke her heart, that is.
Now, after Altamid, after the months spent cooling their heels at Yorktown, everything had changed. Once their one month's shore leave was over, they were put back to work. Nyota's days had been mostly spent in the base's xenolinguistics lab. Evenings were for her friends - no, family, they'd become that during these past few years - from the Enterprise.
However, her nights had been spent alone. At least, while they were still at the base. She'd insisted, no matter if he thought her to be an illogical woman for that decision (and she knew that was his conclusion). After their ordeal, Nyota needed some time to think. Not about whether she loved Spock; that was never a question. Never in doubt.
No, what she needed to think about was how intertwined her entire life had become with his. It frightened her when she realized how close she'd come to losing him this time - to what he thought was his duty, again , or to a piece of shrapnel. So many had been lost that day, so many… if he hadn't been with Len when it happened… if that piece of metal had landed a few centimeters away...
It is illogical to dwell on probabilities, Nyota.
We are both officers in Starfleet, she'd said to him. We've been through so much already. And now you want to… without even listening to reason...
Your fears are irrational. Taking planetside assignments would not preclude danger.
And then she felt like an utter fool. Of course it made little sense for them to resign their commissions when they… especially when his pla… and his mot... right before their eyes.
After Altamid, there would be no more talk of resigning.
This meant that Nyota Uhura had a dilemma on her hands.
She knew that their friends assumed the residual tension between her and Spock was the result of the vokaya necklace, which was silly (and indicative of how little everyone actually knew about the inner workings of their relationship). Of course she had known about its properties - after all, her man was Vulcan, and spent a great deal of time explaining the exquisite and now rare mineral to her after he'd placed it around her neck…
...five years ago, while she was still a student at the Academy. No, the dilemma wasn't her necklace, which had long been Nyota's most prized physical possession.
Her dilemma was that Spock wanted to bond, now.
And Nyota, who'd felt as if she'd waited practically her entire adult life for him to be with her forever, suddenly wasn't sure.
Love wasn't the problem. She'd been in love with Spock since long before she should have been thinking about him in that way. They'd gone from being teacher and student, to TA and supervisor, to officers serving together on the same ship all without missing a beat. Their first date happened not even a week after he'd graded her final paper…
Starfleet regulations be damned.
When you know, you just know. And they both knew.
There would never be another for her.
Love had never been the issue.
The issue was that she was now frightened. The problem with being with Spock was that at every stage of their relationship, she grew comfortable with the way things were, until they changed in an instant and the change rocked her world. She'd been comfortable being his student until he invited her to become his teaching assistant.
Instead of leaping at the chance and saying "yes," she'd reacted like a skittish antelope, and had to be talked into it by Gaila - who teased the very life out of her, of course.
Then being his TA was sheer bliss - some of the best memories of her life were those San Francisco afternoons in his office - until their first kiss. Which she initiated on a whim.
That time, she didn't talk to Gaila about it. She followed through.
They were still rather new when that distress call came from Vulcan. Everything changed the day Vulcan was destroyed. Nyota, after her acute fear for him and his well-being subsided, feared that his duty to his people would override what he felt for her.
Logic over emotion.
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Or the one.
That fear never quite left her, even when he decided to return to Starfleet... and to her. Every mission, every landing party, every time she feared he wouldn't return, each time she feared she would never see his face again, all of it came to a head when he told her that he could no longer ignore his duty to his people and his responsibility to help rebuild.
"I understand," she'd said to him then, in a voice not her own, on an Enterprise that no longer was. Her worst fear was coming true. Once they reached Yorktown, he would inquire about resigning his commission.
Lounging on the Enterprise-A, Nyota tried to remember the week between their conversation, their arrival at the new base on the edge of space, and their quick recall to answer the summons for help at Altamid. How she'd felt, what she was thinking…
But that was just it, wasn't it?
She hadn't felt anything.
She didn't have the luxury of feeling. So she was numb.
Somehow, she had to hold herself together.
Feelings came back during the fight for the Enterprise, then to survive Krall and escape his clutches. Feelings of anger, desperation, and courage… and hope when she finally saw his face.
What are you doing here?
Clearly, I am here to rescue you.
He'd been focused on her from that moment on despite his pain, attentive even once the crisis was over, and throughout the long weeks of his recovery. She spent most evenings in his company, but rare were the moments when they were alone. Usually Jim was there, or Len, or one of the other bridge officers.
Later, when he was feeling better, she knew that if she wanted to find Spock at night, he would be in the observatory deck on the top floor of the hotel that housed the Enterprise crew.
If she could not sleep, she knew she would find him there. Not meditating, of course. That was reserved for his private quarters. Just sitting and observing the nighttime skyscape.
And the stars.
Sometimes, she would sit next to him.
They would clasp hands, sometimes. Other times, the only indication of his presence would be the warmth of his body next to hers…
Warm. The water in the tub was still too warm for her liking. Snapping back to the present, to the here and now, she bustled about the bathroom, trying to distract herself again, tying her hair into a loose braid.
It was all that Nyota could do to avoid her own human insecurities and combat them with solid facts.
One: Spock wasn't prone to rash or impulsive decisions.
Two: as she had been repeatedly reminded, Vulcans don't lie; and by extension they don't make promises they don't intend to keep.
And three: whether Spock said it or not, whether they were together on the bridge, in bed, or even just in each other's minds she could feel how much he loved her.
That's the problem.
I know he loves me.
But I don't know that he loves me enough not to let me go again.
The sound of the door alerted her that she was no longer alone. Damn, she thought. She had lost track of time with all her worrying. The bath was now lukewarm, and she hadn't given dinner a thought.
So much for my plan to make our first night here special, she thought.
"Nyota? Are you here?" Spock's voice broke the silence after the door swished shut.
"In the bath," she called back. "Go meditate. I'll be out by the time you're done."
That would buy her some time, she thought. Really, this shouldn't be that difficult. They had been together working everyday for years. What made living together - they spent the majority of nights together anyway - what made this so different? After all this time? After all these years together?
"How was the rest of the shift?"
"Productive," said Spock, passing by the bathroom to deposit his science blues and standard issue slacks into the 'fresher in the hall. When he passed again just a moment later, he was already wearing his black meditation robes. (She could tell by the quiet swish they made.)
Nyota was still sitting on the edge of the bathtub, running her fingers along the surface of the water, absently.
"I thought you were going to meditate," she said without looking up.
"I will do so once I am assured that I have fully attended to your needs."
There was no hint of suggestion in his words. Of course Nyota knew that he realized she was out of sorts through their bond, and that her consternation had likely distracted him toward the end of beta shift. Now, Spock was efficient enough so that her fretting would not distract him from his duties, but she realized that he would not meditate until he was satisfied that she was content.
She removed her hand from the cooling water and folded her arms, refusing to talk. She would be an illogical woman, as illogical as this bathtub on a star-faring spaceship…
The bathtub had been her condition for giving up her own quarters on this strange new ship that was now their Enterprise . She didn't think that Scotty could do it. But as he said, "Lass, just watch me." (Although she had a feeling that Jaylah had something to do with it as well.)
"Illogical, perhaps," was his response to her thoughts. "Nonetheless, it is my right to…"
"Listen to my thoughts?" snapped Nyota peevishly. "I no longer have my own quarters, Spock. Is my mind no longer to be my own?"
Although his face remained impassive, Nyota could easily sense both enlightenment and frustration on his part. Enlightenment, because he now understood why she was upset. Frustration, because it wasn't as if their shallow bond was new. They'd melded the first time many years ago, at the very beginning of their relationship. The real estate they occupied in each other's minds had grown ever since.
"You are fatigued," was his diplomatic comment. "I shall prepare a light meal for us both."
He walked out of the bathroom without another word. Nyota felt like running after him.
He'd just worked sixteen hours in a row, not counting the six hours before they departed Yorktown. Nyota had worked alpha shift on the bridge, spent two hours on routine checks with her staff in the communications labs… and then had wandered aimlessly around these new and unfamiliar quarters of theirs since then.
The very least you could have done was have dinner ready, the part of her that would always be her mother's daughter thought guiltily.
She had utterly failed at being a sex doll, lounging in an inviting bath. She wasn't exactly being a domestic goddess, either - he was ensuring that they both ate. Why did he want to share quarters with her? They could have just eaten in the mess hall and then done the whole "your place or mine?" thing they'd been doing forever…
"The meal is ready."
Nyota looked up. How long had she been sitting there, ruminating over the same thoughts?
Perhaps Spock wasn't the only one in need of a little meditation.
This time, he did not respond to her thoughts verbally, but one corner of his mouth quirked upward.
"Would you care to join me?"
She nodded without thinking, and followed him out of the bathroom into the main room.
As per their usual routine, they ate dinner in mostly silence - Vulcans don't do dinner small talk - broken up by small reports of the first couple of shifts on Enterprise-A. By the standards they had set, all would have appeared normal.
"I believe an old human phrase is penny for your thoughts," Spock voiced as the two settled onto the sofa in the living space and he had gotten them both steaming mugs of spiced rooibos tea. Her favorite.
For once, she didn't say anything. She just sipped her tea.
"Nyota, it is impossible for me to address whatever it is that's bothering you unless I am informed of what it is."
"I'm sorry." He was right, though really, when was Commander S'chn T'gai Spock ever wrong? "I'm being ridiculous. I know how much you're trying and that means everything to me. I guess I'm scared."
"What do you fear?"
"I don't know... losing who I am?" she sighed, mulling over her tea. "Or maybe I'm scared of getting everything I've ever wanted. We all know as soon as you get everything you want, you've got everything to lose."
"I was under the impression that you wanted to share quarters with me, Nyota," he said, lowering his voice to the soft tone he only used with her.
She looked up at him… and saw the softness in his eyes, too.
"I want to share everything with you, Spock," she admitted. "We've been together so long, and… I guess this feels like the final move for us. This," her hand waved around, indicating the space, "is it."
"The finality of your tone makes 'it' sound like a fate worse than death, ashayam, " Spock told her. "Permit me to observe that what you view as the end is but a new beginning."
"Next you'll go into Admiral Archer's famous speech," laughed Nyota. "We've been 'boldly going' for five years and counting. And now, we've gone and signed up for another five. Second verse, same as the first."
It was Spock's turn to silently sip his tea. Finishing it off, he set down his mug, and held out two fingers.
Nyota looked from his fingers, to his face, then back. She set down her unfinished mug and completed the ozh'esta.
Instantly, the warmth and security of his affection, his desire, and his abiding regard for her washed over her. From his fingertips to hers… their bond hummed softly with it, and Nyota felt her brooding thoughts dissolve like San Francisco fog under the heat of the sun as he reassured her without words.
"We've been through much, mpenzi," she whispered, leaning up for a much more human kiss. "Haven't we?"
He obliged. And she savored his taste for what might have been the millionth time.
"Indeed we have. And yet it is likely that we shall face even more unknown dangers in the weeks and years ahead." His dextrous fingers were unwinding her hastily woven braid, and she could feel the pleasant buzz of psi-energy at the places where he touched her scalp. "Yet I find myself desiring permanence, Nyota."
"I know," she said, her nose nuzzling his chin softly. "If you had your way, we would have become permanent while I was still a Cadet, professor. "
"It was not logical," admitted Spock. "But my logic has always been rather uncertain where you are concerned."
She grinned at him. "You know, I love it when you admit just how madly you are in love with me."
The corners of his mouth quirked upward, ever so slightly.
"But I think you're referring to something more permanent than sharing quarters. And that makes me nervous… Spock, you have to realize each time we get close to bonding, whenever I think we're going to take that final step, something happens. We talked about the possibility of bonding after I graduated, but then… the Battle of Vulcan happened, and... and it no longer was our first priority. Then you were going to leave Starfleet. Then you didn't deal with your depression when your… after everything happened. Then there was the childhood fiancee that you'd never told me about. Then there were the Klingon attacks. We've met all these versions of our alternate selves… we've been to hell and back...
"And then, you heard word about Ambassador Spock's declining health, and decided to leave Starfleet again! It's almost as if…"
She bit her lip.
"It's almost as if we shouldn't have happened, Spock, and the universe is correcting itself."
Both of Spock's eyebrows lifted.
"What would give you that impression?"
She sighed. "We both traveled to the Ambassador's reality, Spock. You remember it. We saw ourselves, just a few years older than we are now. And we weren't... "
She trailed off, voice barely audible.
"We weren't."
"Nyota…"
"And then we were these awful, terrible people in that other world. The mirror world, where I had that horrendous haircut, and you had that sexy beard… on second thought…" She stroked his chin, appreciating the five o'clock shadow there.
His eyes lit with amusement as he captured her hand in his. "It is against regulation."
"Meh. Federation doesn't get everything right." She pressed her lips against his, then drew back, sighing again. "Maybe this universe is a fluke, Spock. Maybe the reason why you keep leaving is because you're not supposed to stay."
"Fascinating," was his reply. "I recall that in the universe where our genders were switched, we were indeed a couple."
She blinked. It had been so long ago… she'd forgotten.
"And I am under the impression that the Ambassador and Uhura's friendship did not have the chance to, as you say, 'blossom' into something more. In that universe, the Enterprise was launched years earlier than it was in ours. While that Lieutenant Uhura was at the Academy, the Ambassador served under Christopher Pike for many years before he became his Captain Kirk's first officer…"
Nyota's eyes narrowed. "You told me that she wasn't attracted to you at all."
Spock went quiet. They both knew that the last strange encounter than the ship had faced before Yorktown and Altamid wasn't really what she was talking about.
"I know, I know," said Nyota glumly. "I'm an illogical woman because I think that our relationship has faced so much that maybe in the grand scheme of the multiverse, we just aren't meant to be. I know that you're going to tell me 'kaiidth,' and that it's baseless to speculate on any of this, since we are together. I know what you're going to say.
"But tell me, Spock, that it's going to be different this time. Tell me that something won't happen to change everything in a moment. Tell me that you're not going to pull away from me the next time. Tell me that, and maybe I'll believe you.
"Because I've given you five years of my life… just… before I give you the rest, tell me that I'm safe being here. Tell me that I'm not being a fool for starting over, yet again, with you. And if you utter the word 'logic," I swear I'm sleeping on Gaila's floor tonight."
There it was. It was the first time Nyota had expressed out loud why she was in the mood she was in during a night that should have been celebratory. Now that all her cards were on the table, she felt much better… lighter than she had before Yorktown, even.
But for once, Spock's face was unreadable even to her.
"You are still angry with me."
"No, I'm not," she replied firmly. "We've worked that out. I just… each time, it gets harder to be selfless and supportive and okay when… whenever I'm too human for whatever's going on in your life. This time has to be different. Because next time, I'm not too sure I'll be able to pick up the pieces and put myself together again."
"You believe that your humanity is a detriment to me? Nyota, I consider it to be the opposite. It is not a detriment."
His hand reached for hers.
"Your humanity is a gift. Not only have you never been too human for me, you are the only one for whom I was ever human enough." Pause. "After my initial emotional compromise upon the loss of Vulcan, and later, as I struggled with my duty to my people, I knew that continuing to pursue our relationship would only ever cause you undue pain, not to mention uncertainty. A better man, and certainly a better Vulcan would have ensured that you did not experience those emotions..."
He trailed off. It was still not easy for him to speak of his emotions, not even to her. Before she could suggest alternatives, he continued.
"The logical thing to do would have been to release you from any obligation so that you could pursue other relationships. However, as I have often said, my logic is quite uncertain where you are concerned."
She blinked, feeling the sincerity of his words through their touch. While she'd long known how he felt about her, for the first time in what seemed like forever, Nyota knew exactly where she stood with Spock.
"So this time is different," Nyota said, very quietly.
"I have resolved my struggle. I know where my duty lies. My place is here. I will not leave Starfleet again."
He didn't say it, but she heard it echoing through their bond, nonetheless.
Or you.
That night, for the first time, they slept in their new quarters, together in mind and body.
For the things they left behind them were just as important as the hope they carried forward into their shared future among the stars.
~fin~