I've had this AU idea in my head for ages, so I've finally gotten round to writing it. First I was writing it as one big clump of story, but since I have no idea how this is going to end I thought I'd turn it into chapters.

But yeah, chuck some reviews at me, Humble Readers :)

And I don't own Glee. I'm just messing with it.

Nobody Says No To Kurt Hummel

As captain of a champion cheerleading squad, senior class president and star of an award-winning Glee Club, I basically run this crappy little school. My word is law and I always get what I want. Nobody says no to Kurt Hummel.

Whenever I happen to be feeling a little lonely, guys are pretty much kicking each other out of the way to get with me, and rightly so. I'm the hottest guy at this school, possibly even in this entire shit-heap of a town. That's not even me being an egomaniac, that's just a fact. Your sexuality is invalid. If you've ever looked at me for more than three seconds, chances are you've thought about having sex with me. It's just human nature, and I honestly don't blame you for wanting all up on this. If I were you, I'd want to fuck me too.

But lately I'd been getting kind of bored. Jocks were nice, but it was getting a little samey. Obviously as Head Cheerio I was expected to only ever date the big, strappy football players, but they were all either excruciatingly stupid, so far in the closet they were in Narnia, or a terrible combination of the two. I needed someone on my level, someone who I could actually have a conversation with, someone who wasn't just into me because I look all kinds of crazy sexy in my Cheerios uniform, someone who wouldn't just stare blankly at me whenever I talked about fashion or Broadway and, most importantly, someone who would let me top without freaking out about being 'less of a man'. But apparently this person just didn't exist at McKinley High, so I was stuck fooling around with the jocks and the closet cases forever. Or so I thought.

I saw him on a warm Monday morning as I was walking towards school, Santana and Brittany flanking me like hot cheerleader versions of Crabbe and Goyle. As I glanced across the parking lot I noticed a guy I didn't recognise being cornered by Karofsky and Azimio (both former conquests and pretty average in bed; Azimio didn't last long and Karofsky was far too needy for me). They lifted this new kid off his feet and threw him into the dumpster, guffawing loudly and high-fiving each other as they did. Well that just would not do. I stormed over to them, the girls hot on my heels, and the two guys grinned and puffed out their chests when they saw me. Please.

"Hey, Kurt," said Karofsky, arching an eyebrow.

"Turn your flirt off, bear cub," I said with a glare. "This isn't a social call. Get that guy out of the dumpster now."

"We were just foolin' around," Azimio chuckled.

"And, as you can see, the girls and I can hardly breathe for laughing," I said sternly. "Now get that guy out of the dumpster and do not make me have to ask you one more time. Do you want me to get you expelled again, David?"

"...no," Karofsky said sheepishly.

"Then both of you do as you're fucking told before I really get mad."

Karofsky and Azimio nodded gruffly and got to work pulling the little new kid out of the dumpster. I smiled sweetly at them.

"Thanks, you boys can go back to picking the fleas out of each other ass-crack hair now. Bye!"

The two jocks frowned and lumbered off without a word, I could hear Santana and Brittany gigging behind me, and I was able to get a good look at the new kid as he brushed himself down. He'd totally ODed on hair gel and his outfit made him look like a Baby Gap had recently thrown up on him, but... he was hot. Really, he was totally gorgeous, and I don't often say that about guys that are shorter than me.

"Thank you," he mumbled politely, blushing as our eyes met. He had the most amazing eyes.

"Don't mention it, new kid," I said nonchalantly.

"Oh, it's Blaine," he said before me and the girls could leave. "Blaine Anderson. I'm a junior, and I just transferred from..."

"Yeah, I don't care," I interrupted, because jeez, I didn't need his freaking life story. "And I'd rather not use you're actual name until I do, I'm just not there yet. I'd introduce myself but, to be honest, people should know who I am. But welcome to McKinley, short stack. I'm not always going to be here to protect you, so try not to die."

As I walked away I glanced back and saw that he was still staring at me. That wasn't surprising; my ass looked fabulous in these Cheerios track pants. I was definitely up for trying something new now.

Hope you enjoyed my HBIC Kurt, Humble Readers.
I don't know if I have the energy to do Author Notes in all these chapters. Forgive me, fans of my pointless rambling.

xxx