AN: It was extremely hard writing in this style, so if you could please review it would be great.
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Bleach.
single shot b u l l e t
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K a i e n
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"When she says "love", they reply "bullet"; because her love is like a gun. They are smiling. Now listen. They are screaming."
•
Life came to her at like a bullet; single shot. Excruciatingly painful, it comes at you speeding but leaves you with a bitter aftertaste of crimson; it hits you hard and fast. Shot one: Kaien. She remembers the pain of the guilt, the despair of the heart, the Kanata protruding out of his back; taunting her. She knows she'll never forget; because when she says "Kaien" the world replies "sin."
(She tells herself, she never meant for this to happen. But the gun was in her hands, the bloodstains forever vivid. "Murderess," the world would whisper. "Wrong," she would say back; but in her mirror dimension, she told herself; killer; because she knew it was the truth.)
The shot fired once; but it echoed over and over in her mind, in her dreams. (hundreds, thousands of times) Blood, rain, tears. He thanked her; the world screamed, "undeserving!" And she knew they were right. Unrelentingly, the bullet sounded in her head. (murderess, murderess, murderess) Again and again and again.It would happen in slow motion. The bullet would freeze, the rain would cease. But the tears of blood would not stop dripping out of her eyes. Then suddenly, he was limp in her arms; bullet mark right over his heart, the intense vermillion blinding her. In her state of sub-consciousness, she looks down; she sees a broken mirror splattered and stained with a crimson hue. Her amaranthine eyes meet the reflections stygian atramentous ones; "Monster," it would whisper. "You killed him." (She would never admit who she saw. Not to you, or to me. Not even to herself.)
Because she pulled the trigger – maybe even willingly – and she knows it.
…And so she wakes up screaming. (But even as her eyes open, the blood doesn't disappear.)
…
She deprived herself of sleep, just to get rid of the malicious weapon; even if only for a minute. (she hates that gun; but she knows she can never truly lose it in the darkness.) It has gotten strong, she thinks. Because even dropping her worst nightmare, she can still see it, still feel it, still hear it. The gunshots echoed in her mind, bouncing back and forth. (She thinks she's going insane.)
And the world laughs at her.
(but she knows she deserves everything that is thrown at her, and worse.)
…
She blocked his name from her mind, forcing herself to forget the memories; both good and bad, because even though the memories of him were the only things she really had left. She doesn't think about him, not during training practice with Ukitake-taicho, not when she's drinking tea, not ever. She doesn't see his hollow face in her mirror everyday, mocking her scornfully, laughing at her; it was a horrid, horrid look, the pure spite in his eyes, the cruel grin on his face, the heart stabbing words: "You killed me, Rukia. You killed me." She turned a blind eye to the unforgivable sin she has committed; ignorance my dear, is a bliss, but she wasn't really ignorant.
But she still heard them.
"That's the girl," they would whisper. "Its not her fault."
(Such comforting words. But all she hears are words of hatred; "See that girl? She killed the love of her life.")
They say, "She never intended to hurt him!" But she knows better; the world knows better.
"Its not your fault, you just did what you had to do," Ukitake-taicho had said; but she could see the great sadness in his eyes, and she knew he didn't mean it.
"It wasn't Kaien you killed, Rukia. It was a hollow, and I know he would've wanted you to do what you had to," Renji had said; but she could sense the fear in his touch, and she knew he was scared of her.
"I dragged you into this. My stubbornness has caused you pain. I'm sorry. You must be torn apart inside. Thanks to you, my heart can still stay here," Kaien had said; but she could hear the hesitation in his voice, and she knew he was lying.
So she would only shut herself off from the thread of the comfort; she would devoid herself of all happiness, after all, he was her light, but she put him out – and not a single word passed her ears. All she could hear where the gunshots; because when she whispered "innocent," the world replied "guilty."
And so she didn't think, not about him, not about anything; "there is no pain," she mutters monotonously, as the cerise liquid fell from her pale arm, a sharp contrast between red and white, and fell to the floor. "It doesn't hurt." (and you think she's insane, but deep down you know why. Even if she doesn't.)
But she knew, even if pain was nothing, he would haunt her forever still.
…
She can still see the blood on her hands, the greatest sin she could ever commit.
Kaien-dono was like her role model, her one friend (friend is an understatement, like a raindrop compared to a storm; because he meant so much more to her), the center of her universe. She trained until she collapsed with exhaustion just to impress him. She forced herself into Shikai just to show him how much she has learned. She made herself presentable just to prove to him that she wasn't the inexperienced kid that first entered the thirteenth division.She woke up every morning and lived the day just to see even the smallest glimpse of his smiling face; his smile was like the sun; it warmed her to the bones, it was so wonderful it amazed her to no end, and was brighter than the beams of light itself.
He was everything anyone could be, everything she wanted to be like, and everything that she lived for; because when she thought "perfect," only Kaien could be so.
Her love for Renji was so great it was almost a physical presence; because he was the hand she held on to when she was falling into the pit of grief. But it was nothing compared to what she felt for Kaien. Her love for him was like a room (and there's only so much air, and each breath you take makes the walls move closer.) Its like you're holding a burning match, never going out. As the walls grow closer, the little bit of air grows thinner, but you still held on to that match, protecting it; you're in agony now; your lungs burn, your heart feels suffocated, your vision is failing – but you still won't leave that small, insignificant flame, because it means more that anything to you; because its worth the pain and suffering, because it means so much more.
To diminish that flame with the ice of her soul (the unparalleled evil) would be a sin, incomparable to any other.
But she ruthlessly slashed at that burning flame of light – and it left a trail of bitter coldness; because when she screamed "save me!" the world turned their back on her and left her falling into her pit of despair.
But, she knew, she killed Kaien; the one person she loved with all her heart, the one person she wanted to save.
And so she is falling. Down to the deepest pits of hell, into the burning flames. And she welcomes the pain; because she knows she deserves it.
…
They say she was a shell; just a mere clone of her former self. You see her twirling crimson; her eyes are dead. You watch her dance in the rain; she passes right through you.
When they scream hate at her; she doesn't hear. They glare hell fire at her; she doesn't see. They splatter vermillion; she doesn't feel; because slowly, she's eating away her soul bit by bit.
But it doesn't matter anymore; she can't conjure up enough emotion to care.
The world was dark, smiles faded, sunrises lasting a little too short, sunsets lasting a little too long. Everything was shrouded in darkness; you see a beautiful and hopeful morning, she is blind to the light.
Her amaranthine orbs are unseeing to happiness, they burn at the bright spot of hope.
She can't feel anymore, she can't care any more; she has given up on life.
…because when she screams guilty, the world doesn't care.
•
She saw him come at her; eyes dark and filled with evil. It was the hollow.
Kaien-dono… no. Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts; her life flashed before her eyes. The colors were blinding… Renji's bright red hair and confident smirk (she really did love him, but not like he wanted her to), Ukitake-taichou's soft white hair and gentle smile (he was always the father she never had), the striking sad, violet eyes of Hisana-nee as she left her there to die (finally, she could forgive her sister for abandoning her…) and the cold, yet warm grey eyes of her brother, Byakuya (she realized he had always cared for her... and she loved him more than ever)
But mostly the beautiful raven-black of his hair, the kind aqua teal of his eyes, the blinding brightness of his smile…
She didn't think. She couldn't think. Everything was so overwhelming. She was scared… scared of the hollow inside of her beloved lieutenant, she was scared of what he would do, she was scared of Ukitake-taichou getting injured…
She was scared of how much she loved Kaien-dono.
Suddenly, Sode No Shirayuki was out, the blinding whiteness a stark contrast to the dark indigo of the sky. One moment it was a snowy white ivory, the other… it was stained cerise with blood. Kaien-dono's blood.
An indescribable horror filled her mind, and everything went blank.
Her zanpakuto, her cherished Sode No Shirayuki that Kaien-dono taught her how to wield, was struck through his chest. Her breaths came in short gasps, and words would not form.
"I dragged you into this…"
She could feel his hot breath on her neck becoming weaker and weaker by each intake of air (she knew it must of felt like a thousand blades were being struck through his lungs, and she felt his burning pain for him, because he was bearing that pain for her).
"My stubbornness has caused you pain… I'm sorry."
She could feel his warm blood seeping through the cloth of his shirt onto her hands, the ones grasping the hilt of her zanpakuto so tightly (it felt like she was the one bleeding, not him, and she felt so… so selfish for inwardly wailing for help)
" You must be torn apart inside…"
I love you I love youI love youI love youIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou… Please, Kaien-dono… don't leave me… not now… not ever. Please.
I can't do this without you.
…but the words would not sound.
"Thanks to you, my heart can still stay here."
His body came limp and it shattered into a million bright lights (it looked so beautiful for a moment.. like a thousand fireflies)
Then his steady heartbeat, the heartbeat she always longed to just listen to, to sleep, ceased.
The bullet sounded.
And the rain came crashing down.
•
Shotgun aimed; bullet fired.
•
See that girl? She shot love right in the heart.
An: Unbeta-ed (lazy.. haha XD) Reviews are love. Especially for this fic ( I worked so hard on it.. ;;)