The moon shined a silvery light on the shadowed ground where the trees creaked and moaned as the wind traveled through their long branches whistling harshly to unwelcome visitors. There was eeriness to it all, but at the same time it was calming. No whispering, no accusations, just silence. The young man walked down the pathless hill, taking it carefully as the steep incline caused his pace to quicken.
He shivered; the night was cooler than usual, cooler than it should be. He wondered idly if he should've grabbed a coat before his little adventure. He crossed his arms tightly around himself but it didn't help much. Taking a deep breath as his foot hit leveled ground; he found himself to be slightly out of shape, breathing heavily, but shrugged off the thought. No longer needing to keep his attention at his feet he began to look up at the stars that sparkled freely, away from the smoke and fog of the city.
Usually this was a welcome sight, but today it meant something entirely different.
"Adam, come on – we're going to miss it."There was a wisp of a girl a few feet ahead. She was as comfortable running through the forest as a sprite hopping through its domain.
Her younger brother was quite the opposite, clumsily stumbling at any raise in the ground, or even his own feet where his untied shoelaces dangled against his sneakers.
"I'm trying, but you're running too fast" The little boy of eight followed desperately as the 16 year old girl smiled devilishly at him and went into a full sprint. Her long gangly legs pranced across the ground as if there were no obstacles.
"No, I can't run the fast, Alexa, Alexaaaa!" The boy cried out as they just began to enter the edge of a forest. It was darker here and he slowed down looking carefully around. Every noise caused his heartbeat to thrash about wildly.
He carefully stepped through, attempting to avoid every twig and shrub that could cause a crack or a rustle. Cautiousness came naturally to the boy, whereas the sister was quite the opposite.
"Alexa, where are you?" He whispered as if someone were listening. He heard giggling. He whirled around in panic. His eyes were wide, and his breath was near hyperventilation.
There were a few moments where all he could hear was his breath.
Just in and out, was all he could hear.
Suddenly he felt a grab on his shoulder and he cried out with a terrified scream. He nearly started punching the unknown attacker till he turned around to find Alexa bent over laughing. Her hazel eyes twinkled with mirth.
"It's just me you little squirt!" She said through laughs as she ruffled his hair. Adam pulled away and grimaced. He hated when she did that and she loved doing it. He straightened his hair, and gave her a pointed glare.
"Well are we going or what?" Adam said, he voice carried an annoyed ring to it. His sister rolled her eyes. She wondered if her serious brother could ever let go a bit and have fun. Her heart sunk a little at the thought of how much her father had stolen from her younger brother.
"You're just way to serious!" She exclaimed. She motioned her head in the direction of a small worn path. The trees were so tall and wide you could barely see the sky. The light peeked through the branches enough to see the ground marginally well.
They walked silently together, catching their breath as they reached a huge clearing. The view was breathtaking, and Adam stood frozen staring out into the field. Alexa skipped into the middle of clearing giving Adam a meaningful look.
Adam, at a much slower pace, walked to the middle taking care not to step on any pretty plant life. Alexa looked impatient when he finally reached the middle. They both looked up with serene smiles.
The stars were brighter than they had ever seen. They sat on the grass and Adam huddled close to Alexa as they sky started to turn purple and red. The clouds became a little more visible. Just beyond the distance there were little mountains that took a purple hue. The sun began the rise popping up just between the mountains.
Adam looked at his sister, gone was the smiles replaced with a contemplative look. His sister always called him serious but she never noticed how her dark thoughts or deep thoughts always showed clearly on her face. Sometimes her thoughts scared Adam, but he always wanted to know. Not knowing was even scarier.
"What're you thinking?" Adam asked. She gave him a sideways glance and made a half shrug.
"The sun has it much easier than us? Don't you think?," She turned to him with a raised eyebrow "Everyone thinks it's beautiful and no one can touch it. It lives forever in the sky. Wouldn't that be great, to be untouchable?"
"Yeah." Adam muttered looking at his sister's wistful look, her dark brown hair blew back and he saw the latest injury from their father. A bruise on her collar bone. He didn't care if he was touchable, he just wish his sister was untouchable. He wanted her to be an antique in a museum, where everyone just looked but didn't touch. She may look tough, but to Adam she was his, special and no one should be able to hurt her.
They sat their quietly, in a meditative daze. Adam eyebrows were furrowed as if he was thinking about this harder than he should. Alexa, turned to the rising sun, content in just staring.
"We'd do it together right?" Adam piped up breaking the silence. Alex turned to him.
"Do what together?"
"Live in the sky? It wouldn't be much fun to be separated. I wouldn't want to be the sun, it so lonely." Adam said quietly, his head lowered seemingly embarrassed. He never liked being alone and it was hard to admit.
She gave him an unreadable look, "The sun isn't lonely, it talks the moon right when they switch places. I'll be the sun and you can be the moon. Ok?"
She reached over and squeezed his shoulder in support.
Adam pouted, "Why would I want to be some dumb ol' rock?"
The red and oranges made the field sparkle, but it made Alexa's eyes look like jewels. She shook her head.
"You're not a rock. You're what makes the night less scary. You protect people at night." She said, grabbing him around the shoulders, "And who else would I have to shine through than my little protégé." She rubbed her knuckles into his head.
He looked up the moon and smiled. Sometimes he wished she'd shine through him, but right now he felt dull and lightless. He'd felt like there was nothing to bring a spark. It was natural to feel this way he guessed. Repressed feeling were now coming to surface and he was barely hanging on.
He headed deeper and deeper into the woods while his thoughts got darker and darker. This forest reminded him of the forests back home in Arizona. When his family would take vacations in flagstaff. The huge pine trees loomed over him and he felt like David facing Goliath.
He'd dash through them playing hide and seek, when it was just him he would grab a book and find the best tree to sit by. It usually had a large trunk, long branches, and soft grass around it.
Those tended to be the most peaceful times, he supposed.
His thoughts went blank for the next half mile as he watched his feet aimlessly move one in front of the other.
He felt his heart start to pound relentlessly against his chest. He knew he was approaching the goal that he had set out for.
The panicked breathing made him wince. This only reminded his of his current injuries. If Stella were here she'd go ballistic to know that he exerted himself this much after an injury. His ribs still ached from the fight he had two days ago, but he didn't care. He needed to do this.
He needed to do it for her.
Knock knock
"GO away!"
Knock knock
"I don't want to talk right now."
Knock knock
Silence reigned on the third knock and Adam turned, placing his back against the door. He heard the quiet crying. He felt like crying to. His emotions bubbled just below the surface.
He couldn't believe how things had gone so sour. There was a time where he thought everything was falling into place.
"I'm sorry." His voice trembled at the apology.
The crying slowed a little, "It's not your fault."
"You didn't have to protect me, you should've gone."
There was a slight thump against the door, "You know I couldn't. I couldn't just leave you to get beaten."
"But you had your dance evaluation today. It was your way out. You needed to go!" Adam said vehemently. He knew she'd deserved it, after all that they had been through, she'd deserved a break, a way out.
"I don't want a way out if I'm leaving a dead brother behind." A few beats and Adam shifted and looked up at the white ceiling that had orange and yellowish blotches across it.
"He wasn't going to kill me, he nearly did you though." He said, his 11 year old voice cracked. A few tear rolled down silently. There was a shuffle from behind the door. He imagined his sister tilting her chin up as she always did when faced with an impossible situation.
"I'm ok." A small voice came out from the other side.
That was his saying now. It was passed on from her to him. It was never true; the Ross kids were never ok. He should've known that. The gnawing at the pit of his stomach burrowed deeper till he felt like he would vomit.
The grief, guilt, once buried deep now came to the surface and he started to freely cry. He was still moving forward. He had walked several miles; he lost count of the miles, the time, the day. He didn't care. He had to do this. He was almost there.
At this thought he began to see the large iron gates, and the elegant sign in front. He took another shuddering breath and walked with one foot past another. His gait was slower. He head felt heavy from crying. He felt pulsing pain all over but he continued on.
He entered the gates that said New York Lakewood Cemetery.
It was raining, hard. During the monsoon seasons of Arizona – everyone was miserable. It was especially miserable to the ones who had to walk in the rain. The now 13-year-old Adam banged on the door again. No one was answering, He sighed. He was frustrated. He knew his sister was in there.
She was going through a phase, at least he hoped. The life seemed to have left her as she moved sluggishly through the halls. The verbal and physical abuse took a toll on her. Adam did everything to protect her from it.
Couldn't his father see that she didn't care anymore? Adam felt his anger redirect from his sister to his dad.
He decided to take the back way. He stomped through the mud of their backyard. Wiping his feet with a grossed out expression on to the patio, he hoped the rain would wash it away before his dad saw it.
Thankfully the back door seemed to be unlocked. He nearly cried out in relief. He slid the door open and made sure to toe off his shoes, and walked in.
The house was quiet, almost eerily. He felt unknown panic, but even when he would grow to be an adult, he would never know why.
He started to run around the house, "Alexa?" He called out, his voice high and shrill.
He checked every room before his sisters. When he finally reached it he stopped. The cold drops lid down his hair and hit the floor as he stared at the door that seemed to glare right back at him.
He slowly turned the knob and looked in.
At that moment time seemed to freeze. He screamed and sobbed at the same time. He felt a chill run down his spine and his knees almost gave out.
His sister hung from her closet. She used a rope to hold herself to the bar of her closet. She hung lifeless, he lips blue and her face paler than he had ever seen.
He rushed to her, clumsily untying the rope and his sister collapsed lifelessly to the floor. Adam started crying harder. He shakily touched the raw indentations in her neck. He hugged her closely crying. He cried, asking over and over to wake up.
They found him and her hours later in the same position. He was still crying softly asking her not to be a sun because he wasn't a moon yet.
Adam had requested her to be moved when he moved to New York. He spent a year's worth of savings to do that but he wanted her to be near. Well as near to the city as he could get. He placed her about 15 miles outside the city. It was a nice quiet cemetery. He hadn't been here for years.
He walked up to the beautifully engraved stone grave. It had a dancer engraved into it.
Alexa Ross
1974-1994
Beloved daughter, sister, dancer
You are my sun, and I am your moon
I hope you shine through me always
Adam crouched down, feeling the soft grass that had a glaze of frost. He knew it was colder than usual. He felt a pang of loss. He hadn't cried for her in so long. He felt the tears stream down his face. His heart felt empty.
No one knew about her. But that girl he saw, dancing beautifully, he felt like his sister reincarnated. She was beautiful, so full of life, he felt like he was look at the 16 year old Alex, giving him a noogie.
He felt a sob bubble up in him, as he clenched the ground, dirt dug into his nails and the crass crinkled into his hands.
He nearly fainted when he saw the dead body of Sass. Nobody knew. He felt like crouching down to her and tracing the marks on her neck like he had done to his sister.
He couldn't take it.
He was suffocating as he raced out the room. The overwhelming depression came over him, the deep hurt.
He didn't want people to think he couldn't handle it, he need people to think that this was about the girl not another girl from over a decade ago. He claimed love, or seeing someone being killed as a reason for his reaction.
Little did they know that the red-rimmed eyes that carried on through three tortuous days had nothing to do with love at first sight. He remembered the anger that bubbled in him when Jo made a flippant remark about the girl. He had to hold his anger back lest the reaction would be too severe. Thankfully, she wasn't serious. He did not know how long he could reign in the temper.
He looked up and saw the moon start lower and the sky start to light.
"Hello." He said quietly, "I hope you're not too lonely. I'm coming." He shakily unzipped his backpack and took out a gun.
The metal was hard and heavy in his hands. He handled it delicately as if any swift move could send it off. He switched off the safety with a small click, and wrapped his hands around the grooves of the gun.
You think you're replaceable here in this lab?
He hesitated slightly at the thought, trembling. yes
Look who it is. It's Obi-Wannabe Kenobi
He remembered the laughter; the sheer joy of his colleagues caused his eyes to sting. He knew he would be leaving them but this was something he needed to do. He started to cry harder as he brought the gun to his head. He was shutting his eyes tight.
You got to be hurting a little bit today, huh, man?
He didn't want to remember this, remember Hawkes concerned gaze as he looked at him carefully.
He placed his finger around the trigger of the gun. His whole body shook and trembled. He opened his eyes but couldn't see anything as the tears flooded his vision.
Suddenly there was a rustle to the left of him, and he froze. He attempted to slow down his hysterics. The attempt to quiet down was to no avail as his breathing hitched over and over, making him gag.
There was gasp. Adam, stood stock still contemplating whether he should shoot himself regardless of the spectator.
"Don't do it. Please. It's not right." The low baritone voice rumbled behind me. He turned shakily around to see a tall man in a trench coat, looking ready to jump him. His hands were held carefully out.
"Adam, don't you don't have to do this."
Adams eyes widened in recognition, Flack walked closer, slowly and carefully. He lowered the gun, only a little, mainly out of shock.
"I don't know why you want to do this but there are a lot of people looking for you and we need you to be alright. You got too much, you hear me?"
"I-I, there's no one who needs me. You have to know that. You don't even know me." Adam nearly yelled. He watched Flack flinch back.
"I know you, enough. Enough to know you're worth something. Just take the gun away from your head." His voice was soft and soothing.
"Shut up! You say those things like I'm supposed to believe you. No one knows me. No one cares. All I get is laughed at and teased. I don't need anyone anymore!" He yelled.
"Don't say that, you know it's not true. Please just give me the gun and we can figure this out."
"I can't. You can walk away now, and leave me in peace. I can't be here anymore. It's too painful. You just tell everyone you never found me. You don't have to be responsible for me Flack."
"It's not about responsibility. So help me, I'll shoot you in the shoulder before you can shoot yourself in the head. Just give me the gun, ok. I'm not going anywhere." His voice was firm and his stance was rigid. He stared down Adam.
Adam unable to do it in front of Flack, lowered the gun, taking it away from his head, He looked down ashamed. He hands were shaking so bad Flack was afraid he might shoot the gun by accident.
He bent down; he gently took the gun from Adam's limp hands and placed the safety on. He could see the tips of Adam's fingernails turning blue from the cold. He placed the gun on the floor and kicked it away. Looking down at it with disgust then turning to the obviously freezing lab tech.
He grabbed his hands and silently rubbed them hoping to warm him up a little. Adam shivered. Flack shrugged off his coat and placed it around Adam's nearly frozen figure
"It's ok." He whispered, feeling like all the times he talked down desperate business men from high rises. This was scarier though.
Adam shook his head vehemently, "No, she's gone and I don't deserve to be here."
Flack tightened his hold on Adam's hands, "You're wrong. You couldn't do anything to save her. It wasn't your fault."
"Not her, HER." Adam slowly moved to the side revealing the ballerina engraved rock, and Flack nodded, "I know."
Adam suddenly jerked up blinking owlishly, "Know?"
Flack gave him a half smile, "I'm a detective, Adam, I knew for a while that your sister died. I just didn't know how until yesterday morning when we started looking for you."
Adams bloodshot eyes widened, "Looking for me?" He asked, yet another confused question akin to a four-year-old. .
"Yeah, you worried us sick! You were supposed to be back yesterday morning but according to your land lady you disappeared two days ago. We thought we missed something, that someone took you! I didn't think about this connection until all evidence pointed to you leaving on your own. That's when I found the news article." Flack elaborately told the story, a range of emotions flashing across his face
"I found that her body was moved here and then I find you here, gun to your head. What were you thinking?" Flack yelled finally feeling the restrained anger pour out of him.
Adam felt the full realization of what he was going to do and his body reacted, and he began to panic at the thoughts.
There didn't seem to be a break in the stern face that glowered down at him. The vague reminders of his past flickered as life streamed across his eyes. In the twitchy attitude of his current state he was fearful the detective might assume him to be high instead of nearing hysterics. He felt trembling start to course up his body as his agitation increase. His face displayed a terror and desperation in the wide eyed look.
Pulsing hammered into his ears, his eyes fluttered quickly clearing his eyes of tears. The surrounding area was silent, almost serene. The world was watching this confrontation in bated silence.
Adam heard his breath, and abruptly noticed it was quick and uneven, a lightheaded feeling overcame him and felt him ready to collapse. He swayed a bit and Flack shot out his hand and grabbed his forearm in a firm hold. He helped Adam lower down to the ground in a seated position on the grass that was so soft you could hardly tell where you were sitting
Flack leaned in and his mouth opened but Adam could hardly hear past the whooshing sound in his head. Adam placed his hand over his eyes, the ache alleviated somewhat.
Flack's hand clamped roughly on Adam's shoulders and he shook him. Whether out of frustration, anger or concern, he could not tell. Flacks hands were warm Adam noted with some relief.
"C'mon Adam, open your eyes." The words echoed clearly, pushing past the barriers of Adam's muddled mind; the detective's voice was gravelly and tired.
He felt fingers pry his hands off his eyes. His hands curled away, feeling cramped and unfeeling from the cold. Flack cocked his head to the side, assessing the young man.
"I'm okay." The automatic phrase tumbled out of his mouth in reply.
Flack stiffened, his hands dropped away.
Even when the words came out he regretted them. He felt a little displaced like his mind and body lost connection.
The detective nose scrunched like he smelt something horrible "You're okay." He stated, his voice was bland and emotionless.
Adam could hear a lead-in to a significant dressing down and sought to usurp it, "That's not what I mean, it's not, I-," He failed to find the words once again, and hung his head.
He could hear rustling and a shoulder line up against his. Tentatively hands wrapped around the back of his neck.
"Adam, stop."
Adam's twitching hands stilled for a moment, unable to figure what exactly Flack meant by that.
He looked up, his eyebrows pushing a vertical line into his forehead.
"Stop…?" He trailed off.
"Being an idiot." The words sailed out and smacked Adam in the face. Adam, glanced warily at the detective.
"You think I care-,"
"About me." He interrupted. His voice was small.
He felt Flack's hand tense around the back of his neck and then let go. Flack swore quietly, stood up and walked a few steps to a tombstone. He stared at the delicately carved words.
Adam could feel a creeping sense of disquiet deep in his stomach. He looked apprehensively at the brooding figure.
"It doesn't bother-," His placating stopped suddenly when Flack whirled around and stalked towards him. His face was red and his eyes seemed to be a shade darker, an intense blue.
"You don't think I care? You don't think that it would matter to me that you'd off ya self in the head? What, I, just" He sputtered angrily with an uncharacteristic loss of words. He ran his hands though his hair.
He swiftly crouched down and grabbed a lapel of his jacket that Adam was wearing. Adam attempted to shrink away from the angry man but Flack would have none of it and brought him straight to his nose.
"I care, you hear me? I may not hang around and make dumb jokes with Danny but you matter to me, you get it." He shook him roughly that Adam felt like he would get whiplash, "and I'm not havin' another friend die by a gun." His voice cracked at the last word. He released the lapel, straightened and turned away.
There was a long silence. Adam didn't know what to do, he never knew how much pain he caused Flack. He didn't even think about the connection.
"I'm sorry." Adam tried but Flack didn't react. His shoulders were tense, and his hands were clenching and unclenching.
Flack rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled loudly.
He turned and scrutinized him. Adam prepared himself to get yelled at again but it was the opposite.
"When I found that news article, I thought, she was so similar, huh?"
Adam shut his eyes tightly willing himself not to cry, he shakily nodded his head. He'd rather have the yelling than this.
"You know, months after Angell died I couldn't look at a bullet wound without flashing back. After seeing it over and over it sent me into a downward spiral." He looked up in the brightening sky his face tight from the memory.
"You're not weak because of this. You need to let it out. I'm not going to judge you." Flack said. He sighed and he fully sat down on the grass.
Adam shook his head, grabbing his arms around his knees, holding them in a strangle hold. His fingers dug into his legs.
"It must've set you off. To see a girl so much like your sister, die so similarly in front of you, to see those marks around her neck. It probably killed you. You had no one to go to; no one to tell – no one was digging deeper. But you can tell me now, I'm listening." Flack scoot closer to Adam and wrapped a long arm around his shoulder.
Adam was tense, he nearly felt like stone. He absently grabbed a twig from the ground and nervously wound it around his finger.
"She had it so rough and then she had a way out. She danced like a fairy. I loved watching her." Adam spoke so low flack inclined his head to hear him.
"Then the day of the evaluations to get in the school, I did something stupid to piss my dad off. He was really going to let me have it."
Flack squeezed his shoulder in silent support. The wind around them whooshed by and they could feel the warmth of the sun starting to rise.
There were noises starting around them of early traffic, birds, and people. Yet they felt alone there, just Him and Adam. Everything else was drowned out.
"She didn't want him to hurt me. She thought I was going to die, so she called him every name she could think of. I think she'd been thinking up those names for a while." Adam laughed while crying making a weird snort.
"Then he just started beating her. So much that she sprained, or maybe broke her leg. She couldn't dance that day. They she just went into a downward spiral. It was my fault." Adam crushed the stick of in his hand and placed his head into his knees.
Flack frowned at this statement wrapping both arms around Adam. Adams hands siezed Flacks shirt and his tears soaked into his shoulder.
"You know what I'm going to say, but I have to say it anyway. It's not your fault. Your dad was horrible and things he did weren't right. If her suicide is anyone's faults, it's your fathers."
Adam began to shake his head but Flack gripped his arms pulling him back. He looked Adam straight in the eye, "From what I've heard from your sister, you were the reason she was alive for so long. She tried her best to keep going for you but in the end your father broke her spirit."
Adam pulled away slightly, rubbing his eyes roughly.
"Hey, even if you don't believe me now, you'll believe me someday. One of these days that grief will be easier to handle. The first step is talking about. Seems to me this is the first honest conversation you've had about it."
Adam looked at him; his posture was only slightly less tense. He gave a slight tilt of the head and shrugged his shoulders which seemed to be an agreement.
"The thing here is you gotta talk about this stuff more. There are a lot of people willing to listen as long as you start talking."
Adam stared up at the sun that now seemed to be fully raised; he squinted up as if he was thinking hard.
"I think Danny has always been looking out for you, and I'm don't think I'll be taking my eyes off of you for awhile because of." He gestured vaguely.
Adam looked at him sharply, "Are you going to tell Danny about…." He trailed off while linking and unlinking his hands.
"If I have reason to believe your still going to off yourself. Do I?" Flack crossed his arms examining judicially.
Adam shook his head a few times, "No, no – I think I'm doing a little better. I just wasn't thinking right."
Flack looked satisfied and got up brushing the dirt from his pants.
Adam got up much slower feeling fatigued and feverish. "Can I get my, uh, ahm." He pointed at the gun on the floor.
Flack recoiled slightly at the request, almost as if Adam were asking to kill himself again.
"Sorry." Flack said with a sheepish smile, "Tell you what, let's trade. You can have my coat and I'll hang onto this." He crouched down a gripped the gun.
Adam felt that maybe Flack wasn't giving him an option. He put his arms into the sleeves of the coat in reply. He felt the warmth of the jacket overtake him and gave a sound of relief.
Flacks phone rang and flack holstered the gun. He opened the phone and swore silently.
"One Second, Adam, it's Mac."
Adam looked mildly alarmed at this but Flack gestured him to calm down.
Flack flipped the phone open, "Hey Mac."
"Yeah, I found him."
Flack pulled a face, "He had some stuff to handle, give the guy a break."
There was a slightly louder than normal garbled sound on the end and Flack brought the phone a little away from his ear.
"No, I found him a couple hours ago, but we've been discussing some stuff."
A louder voice came from the phone and Flack rubbed his eyebrow In an irritated motion.
"I understand, but he wasn't looking to hot. Apparently he was visiting an old memory. You know a "Claire" type of memory" Flack put an emphasis on Claire.
"Yeah, he needs to get some reset he look horrible .Uh, huh 2 mandatory sick days will work."
Flack nodded a second a looked at Adam with a calculating look.
"Ok, I'll take him home and keep a lookout. Yeah, I'll tell him. Ok, bye."
Flack snapped the phone shut, "Geez, that guy is going to die from an aneurysm the way he's going."
Adam looked at him guiltily, "Thanks, I-I don't think I could handle another dress down from Mac." Flack slung an arm around Adam's shoulder.
"Hey, it's alright. But Eh, I think Mac isn't the one you need to worry about."
Adam looked up, confusion flickered across his face.
"Who could be worse than Mac?"
"Well, we called someone to help us out on your whereabouts and lets just say she was worried sick over her little lab tech she used to try and protect all the time." Flack said with a slight smirk.
Adam paled and swallowed harshly, "Oh great."
AN: Voila, finished – angsty and cheesy but finished. I had this idea and started writing it several weeks ago but never really got to finishing it. But now I'm done.