an: So uhm, what was that ending? Anyways … I need a tissue box. I wrote this in my creative writing class and nearly bawled.
Song: "Nothing" by The Script
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now,
Than I ever was with her.
As they take me to my local down the street,
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet.
The team knew something was up the moment I walked into the DDX room, my hair was a mess and the clothes I was wearing were impossibly rumbled. As I dropped into the chair with a heavy sigh, all four heads shot up to look at me, Masters' just a few moments after the rest of them. They had heard it. The bottle had clicked against the few coins in my pocket, and after a few moments, my three main team members shook themselves, pretending nothing was wrong, that it was only an echo of memories.
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can't see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense
Wilson knew. And I didn't care that he knew. In the end, I knew that everyone would know what had happened, but somehow, I knew he would be the first one to know. And I knew, once he knew, then somehow she would know. He wouldn't keep it from her for very long, probably not even a day; that's how he was, Wilson made it his job to keep her and I from falling apart. But he wouldn't know the extent to just how much she had torn me apart this time.
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
I knew, in some world, she was right. We would never work. I'm an addict, and that won't change, at least as long as my thigh muscle was missing. And it's not like I can work around that, because time machines don't exist. And I don't know what I did wrong, because, though I hate to admit it, it was the right thing to do.
The pills numbed me, and made me become the man she wanted me to be – the man I knew I could never be for her without them.
I needed the pills to be what she wanted, and I needed her to be the man I could be. But I never knew that I couldn't have both.
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
It seems like so long ago, when she saved me, from slipping away into my misery, and back into the slowly widening chasm that only I could see. But now, only what is really only a few months later, here I am, back on my bathroom floor with the bottle of pills in my hand. And this time, nothing will stop me. She won't come running back again, not after breaking me back down to the mess I was when she last found me. I'm not hers to save, because I can't be saved. Not anymore.
So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure
I'm sure by now that they see what's happened, but none of them know how to save me. Because, even if I thought that I could be saved, none of them would be able to save me the way that she could. None of them knew how to save me, how the way her smile gave me a reason to keep myself from the tiny orange bottle, and how she promised that she never wanted me to change. And how that I had admitted to her that I would always choose her, even over my own happiness; it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
I wasn't surprised when Wilson decided to show up at my door, the constant worrying look plastered across his face, and how my feeble attempts to keep him away only made him more insistent to come inside. I thought he would blame me for letting her and I fall apart, that he would yell at me and say that I'm throwing away my life because I let my fears keep me from her. But he didn't. Instead, he just sat there, quiet, in the corner while I lay around doing nothing, and somehow, he knew even if he couldn't save me, it didn't mean he had to leave.
Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting
I never expected myself to slip; I thought that once I had been saved, that I could keep moving without focusing on the pain. But then again, I never expected myself to not hold the entire blame for the train wreck our relationship had become. But worst of all, I never expected the only person to think that would be her. Never her. She saved me, and then only left me to plummet to the ground in flames again. And this time, I never knew how I could be saved.
I got nothing.