Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make
and some of the easiest habits are the hardest one's to break
and I'm not asking for value nor the pain but I am asking
For a way out of this lie
What am I supposed to do, now that you are gone? The nothingness closes in around me, so strongly. I can't breath. We came sofar the two of us. We fought. I fought you. We had our ups and downs, but we always had each other. I feel sick.
My stomach churns. I cannot bear to look at food. The very smell of the stuff makes me feel sick and I hate it. I hate him, for taking you away. It sucks you know that. Life in general sucks. Without you here, nothing really seems to matter.
The kid is still around. I know he blames me for what happened to you, that night. Gods, there was so much blood. You where gone, the second you hit the ground. No, romantic last words. No, final good-bye kiss waited for me as Ilifted your lifeless body off the cement floor. The blood oozed from the wound in your forehead, running in rivulets down your face. Marring yoursmooth features. I tried to wipe it away, tried to keep it from running into your eyes, which stared lifelessly up at the night sky. But I couldn't, it was to late. You where already gone.
I see you sometimes, standing in the doorways of the apartment. I try to reach for you, try to grab hold of you. My hands, can never quite reach you. In my dreams, I can never get you in time. It plays over and over in my mind. I hate it. Why, did he have to take you away? Why, you and not me. It should have been me. You, didn't deserve to die. You never did anything wrong, except maybe get involved with me. That was probably your only mistake in life.
Because I can't wait for you to catch up with me
And I can't live in the past and drown myself in memories
They all tell me to move on. That I can remember and still live. How can I live without you? You, where the only thing that was ever good in my life. All the years You chased me and I turnd you away. Think how many years we would have been happy together, if I had only given in to my desires of you. If I hadn't been so stupid and stubborn. We could have had years instead of only months. What a perfect few months they where. I love you.
I can't live in the past though, can I? You're gone. I should learn to deal with it, right? How am I supposed to deal with it whenever I see your picture, whenever I catch someone whispering your name, I can hardly breathe? It should have been me. I should have been the one who died
Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is
And fixing your problems and starting over again
Your feeding your ego with what you can see outside
And your killing yourself for not speaking your mind
There is only darkness that consumes me. There is nothing here for me anymore. Not without you here. You always said that I was too sentimental, to emotional. You also said that you loved me for it, that I was like a boy and a girl wrapped into one package. A bi mans dream.
It's raining outside right now. I can here it. When I turn to the window I can it. It hasn't stopped raining since they day you fell to the pavement, the blood flowing out of you. Your life leaving your already dead body.
Move on, they all say. I don't listen to them though. I hear your voice telling me to move on. Your beautiful voice telling me to be happy. I would be happy for you, not for anyone else. Just you.
I wonder why you make believe you live your life straight through me
I cannot understand why you question me and then you lie
I will not justify your way's I cannot show you an escape
I do not know you any more, I never new you anyway
I never really lived before you. Did you know that? I did what I was told and had almost no social life at all. You gave me a life. You taught me how to love and to be loved.
I lied to you for so long, saying I didn't love you. I don't know how you found the strength to keep chasing after me. Maybe it was strength, perhaps you where just to stubborn to admit defeat. That was probably it.
I justified my lies so easily at first. I was straight. I didn't like other men, I liked women. Now that I think back on it. I think of how little I got to know you. How little I knew about you. We swapped stories every now and then. I knew you left things out. Things you didn't want me to know. How much did you hide from me Dee? How much didn't you tell me? Did I even really know you at all? Well lets just say I didn't tell you everything either. Perhaps we didn't really know each other. We didn't really have time to, did we.
They are back again. Trying to pry me away from you. From the place we lived together for so long. This time I will let them. I will be back don't worry. I will come see you again soon my love.