Put It Away

by egochan

This is a fic in the view of Fay. I was AGAIN masochistic enough to do whole the first person thing. I hate myself, don’t I? This is another of Fay's perspective on the relationship between him and Kuro, except now it’s a romantic relationship. Love, righ

Title: Put It Away
Characters: Fay, Kurogane
Pairing: KuroFay-ish monster
Series: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: General /ReallyReallyStupid
Rating: PG
Summary: This is a fic in the view of Fay. I was AGAIN masochistic enough to do whole the first person thing. I hate myself, don't I? This is another of Fay's perspective on the relationship between him and Kuro, except now it's a romantic relationship. Love, right? Heh.
Warning: Once again this is ReallyReallyReallyStupid genre.
Notes: This is a submission to the LJ commu 31days.
Disclaimer: I do not own TRC. Go figure. I make them all out of character. ;;

May 24 : Discretion, I said, was not the same as lying

Discretion, I said, was not the same as lying. It was more mature. More diplomatic and more better (for the sake of alliteration) at the whole keeping a person alive thing. Who could argue the benefit of that?

Lying was filthy, low, and used to attain an unrighteous end. To use one's discretion was to pick and choose the best of what to say and thus achieve a favourable outcome for everyone. It was only when people took it personally that the problems arose.

My own discretion tends to get me in trouble with another. His name is Kurogane, and he's chosen somewhere in his life to be honourable and uproot the untruths around him with the fervour of a saint. He wants to expose them and convert them to the light of truth, even if the intensity of this light likes to dissolve and kill it's citizens in their inability to let go a little impurity that is only natural in the human soul.

In this way, Kurogane irritates and upsets me. Though I make it obvious, he is unable to see and accept the happiness and easiness of a life managed with infinite caution and care for the atmosphere around it. It is right to keep in mind that there are experiences and histories others ought to not know because if they did, then they could never look at those around them without worrying about what has been suffered by friends who become aliens and unfathomable simply as result of their past. No one would ever be thought of in the manner they wanted to be thought of, leading to personal turmoil and overall sense of uselessness and burden from the sudden excited concern of others.

And this is why I, Fay D. Flowright, must keep up the battle against this man named Kurogane. I represent a cause much greater than myself and my own defenses. The difficult man will learn the opposition of my walls that reach forever upwards and around. They can be rumbled and hammered, but never destroyed but the brutal tactics he's attempted. Certainly things will slip, but the slip freezes it's own crevice in a moment and strengthens the ice of my resolve. As long as I remain a place inside with cold wind and the homely feel of winter, nothing penetrates. The secret to retaining cold is to never show it and let it seep out by exerting it. I'm keep well insulated with a smile and my faith that this sense of discretion is more important than myself, and is worth more of my energy to maintain than to actively heal what it protects. Also, it's easier.

But there is still Kurogane. He watches me and I see there is doubt and the burning fire that he is which wants to melt me down and shape me to something he won't spend every second of his waking moments loathing the nearness of. I smile at him always in a retaliate. I kiss him and don't tell him anything at all, since silence is the perfect answer to escape anything and anyone. Of course, he always notices this and waits to attack it since he is a strategist. I anticipate his attacks and respond them all the same. I use discretion, and when discretion fails me, I say nothing again. This is no more a relationship than a dodging of blows from him and his strong desire to hit me where I cry out and he knows all that I've tried to hide.

I would like to believe I love him, though, and that if this is true, it does not mean he has a right to the knowledge of everything about me. His persistence could drive us apart or unite us, just as my own could do as well. There's still my defense of doubt that tells me I am not loved but am being studied and repaired for his own ill amusement. It is Kurogane's noble manner to want to protect those he cares about, but there is a fear that though he manages to care, he wouldn't love me how I'm wishing to love him and would keep distance. We both keep distance, always at set paces away from the other because there is not enough trust. I cannot trust him to stop exploring me, and he cannot trust me to not lie because I'm a generally untruthful person for the sake of everything I value. Still, he finds me irritating and adorable, as I find him genuinely caring and sweet not so deeply down, like a great and solemn watchdog who's patient and intelligent. It is in his nature to fight his enemy, and there is an enemy in me that is a part of my nature. The enemy is in my soul and I feel the pain inflicted on it as my own since all of this is of my construction. I do not believe, however, that a purge is the proper method to relieve me. Frankly, I don't want to be relieved. I want to be accepted and unquestioned.

When I look at Kurogane now in this moment alone outside the firelight, I have the despair that we can never last because we are both too impossible and resolute, but seeing his face when he's not looking back, there is a hope also. Maybe there is a future where one of us wins or we both keep struggling and breaking against one another forever. Where we accept the difference and he challenges me out of habit and not an urgent need to know and vanquish my oppressors. Maybe it would be in this future that I even let him know a little, nothing major but enough to let him see that I can trust him, but I can't break a habit of my personality that has so many frozen layers even when I attempt to dismantle it myself.

It would take a long time to reach this dream and an effort I don't want to put forth at this moment because it's simpler to put off. It's pleasant to have a goal, but the goal is one that could be easily given up on before reaching its fruition. My discretion would not get me there and would inhibit me, but as long as Kurogane accuses me of lying to him instead of being tactful, then I'm stubborn and refuse to yield to his demands since he does not try to understand how I can validate my point of view without making me sound like an idiot. He, likewise, seems to expect me to agree with his brute tactics of showing me just how much of an idiot I am too much of the time.

But now, Kurogane has noticed that I'm looking at him. He turns he face and our eyes meet, crimson to blue. I smile on impulse and he frowns in his own custom that causes my smile to widen.

"Kuro-pon looks sleepy. Is he sure he can stay up all night?" I ask. It makes Kurogane irritated, which makes me happy. His attention is all I'm forcing from him. It would also seem I'm trying to push him away by irritating the sanity away until he snaps and murders me--which won't happen. I know this and abuse it.

"Why the hell are you up?"

"I don't know," I lie smoothly, not missing a step.

"Hm," and that's all that Kurogane has to say. He's a man of very few words.

I roll over and stare the opposite direction. If Kurogane is still watching, I cannot feel it. It would be an intense glaze, then, or he already focussed his attention somewhere else. Once I can no longer see him, my hope dissipates and there is nothing left of it but uncertainty and myself alone and feeling put upon. Though I chose to look away, I feel neglected and too well ignored. After a minute, I sneak a look back only to see that Kurogane is still staring and sees me. I say the first thing that flutters into my tongue. "Pervert. The kids are going to get the wrong message."

"Oh, shut up, idiot," Kurogane snaps. "I'm looking over you, never at you."

He doesn't lie as well as I do, but I let it go. Few can lie as well as I. They try, but they can never use the lie if they do not make a habit of it. I don't know what Kurogane's trying' to prove, but he's going at it poorly and should consider using…discretion. Of course, he'd be bad at that also from little practise.

"You're looking at me. Mommy knows you can't help it."

"Shut up." He glances a moment at the kids and I giggle.

"Well, kids are always an obstacle for a married couple. But, we have them anyways. They are too cute not to want."

"What the hell are you going on about, now?" Kurogane asks angrily, since he has nothing intelligent to say. I smile more. He growls. I prompt myself up on my elbows and inch over. He watches warily since I'm too cheerful right now to be predictable. It upsets him.

"Mokona is the best babysitter, you know. We could leave our children with him. The kids are too innocent to expect anything."

"I see you don't give them any credit."

"I give them a lot of credit, they just take a while to realise things. It's adorable, and they get it from their father."

"You're calling me adorable?"

"Cuter if you'd smile." I move quickly and grab his face to try and make his cheeks lift in a smile by force. He reacts typically, frowning against my hands and knocking them away.

"Will you cut that out?" he snaps. He's angry now, but I'm laughing.

"Do you think I smile enough for the both of us, Kuro-wan?" I ask. He's eyes narrow and I lean forward to kiss him. I once again am allowed to discover that for all his sternness and invincibility, Kurogane had no reaction for a kiss other than to respond to it appropriately. It's something I find enjoyable. He hasn't knocked me away from this yet.

"Go to sleep, idiot," he says after I have pulled away and am grinning at him dumbly waiting for what he says. "I don't want to put up with you right now."

"Is Kuro-wan too busy trying to protect us all from the wild animals?"

"Yes," he says sternly. "You're ruining my concentration."

I nod at this and smile knowingly. "Yes, yes, that does make sense." I begin back to my sleeping spot. "Still, try to not spend all night staring at Mommy instead. We don't want to be killed my a monster in our sleep." Kurogane only glares. I want him to say something, though. I begin to crawl further away. "Maybe if you can't see me? I can sleep behind this big tree here if it helps."

Such an idea is alarming to Kurogane, which is what I was going for. "Don't be stupid. Stay were I can see you."

"And kill us all?" I ask sweetly, though I'm grinning stupid again.

"Fine. Then just get yourself killed for the sake of everyone. Sleep behind the damn tree and see how I care when you wake up with a monster chewing on your face."

I stare blankly at this outburst. Kurogane's tone is the sort the means he's genuinely upset and I've gone too far. "You're so mean. Do you really think so little of me? Daddy's too serious. Daddy's been talking with Syaoran too long."

"Oh, shut up and go to sleep."

I obey this, but not before smiling and waving goodbye before I close my eyes. I can feel the distance and hopelessness lessen a little in my ability to draw concern and conversation from Kurogane, though some would argue that it wasn't so much a conversation as my harassing him until I was bored. We are not to a point of revealing conversation about ourselves, the mature discussion of our future. We're at the point where we are both stupid, stubborn, and know it clearly but remain convinced the other is going to break first and try to talk of what is being so crudely avoided. It's unlucky we can both be patient.

But, if I'm tactful still and know there is no way to tactfully deepen our relationship without confusing everything, then he's just going to have to instigate. Then, if we didn't do very well together, it's his fault for wanting. Not that Kurogane in desire is unattractive in any manner, but I reserve the right to maintain a level of distance if I'm not the one actively taking measures bring us closer.

I know it's not fair. I know it's wicked of me to do such a thing. But, I'm a more considerate person. I'm not an overly emotional person. I attach to things only after a long time and attach rather well that I can become very disappointed.

Kurogane would only need to learn the difference between lying and being positive and polite. Maybe then, I would consider being fair. Heh. Maybe then I would be fair.

"What the hell are you laughing at in your sleep?" Kurogane asks. I don't open my eyes but smile more.

"Why, you, of course, Kuro-tan."

I hear him grunt and have nothing to say. It's too cute.

Endnote: I think this is out of character, but it's one of those sorts of fics I have to write to get a grasp on where I stand in my view of a KuroFay relationship. I need to force myself to understand by writing the more difficult half of the relationship in first person because I hate myself. Heh. –grins nervously– Don't hurt me? –ducks–