The Real Soul Reaver, a legacy of kain fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the stuff from LoK. Nor do I own 'The Real Slim Shady' by Eminem.

Author's Note: As far as I know, this hasn't been done before, but it should have been.

The Real Soul Reaver

*Raziel walks into a room with several fan-art Reavers lining the walls. He stares at them for a minute, then pulls a microphone out of thin air*

May I have your attention please?

Will the real Soul Reaver please stand up?

I repeat, will the real Soul Reaver please stand up?

We're gonna have a problem here..

Y'all act like you never seen a vampire wraith before

Jaws all on the floor like Dumah,

like I just burst in the door and started whoopin his @ss more red

than like before he threw me in the Lake of the Dead (Ahh!)

It's the return of the...

"Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"

And Vorador said... nothing you idiots!

Vorador's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)

Fan-girl women love Raziel

{*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*}

"Soul Reaver, I'm sick of him

Look at him, walkin around swingin' his you-know-what

Flippin the you-know-who,"

"Yeah, but he's so cute though!"

Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But no worse, than what's goin on in Zephon's Cathedral

Sometimes, I wanna get into Spectral and just let loose,

but can't but it's cool for the Zephonim to wrap a few prey

"My web is on your lips, my web is on your lips"

And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss

And that's the message that we deliver to little vamps

And expect them not to know what an Angel of Death is

Of course they gonna know what Death is

By the time they hit four hundred

They got the humans on the run don't they?

"We ain't nothing but hunters.."

Well, some of them vampires who cut lots of people open like cantaloupes {*SLURP*}

But if we can wrap live humans and antelopes then there's no reason that a vamp and another vamp can't suck blood{*EWWW!*}

But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote

humans wave your flamethrowers,

sing the chorus and it goes

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

Melchiah don't gotta kill in his scene to get attention

well I do, so f*ck him and f*ck you too!

You think I give a damn about fan girls?

Half of you people can't even stomach me,

let alone stand me

"But Raz, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"

Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?

So you can, put my arm on display next to different kinds of spears?

Shit, Ariel better switch me chairs

so I can sit next to Kain and Mortanius

and hear 'em argue over who's gonna spontaneously combust

You little bitch, put me on blast on NTV

"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's a soul-sucking wraith, hee-hee!"

I should download her audio on MP3 and show the whole world how you gave a Vampire VD {*AHHH!*}

I'm sick of you little Sarafan and Hylden groups,

all you do is annoy me so

I have been sent here to destroy you {*bzzzt*}

And there's a million of us just like me who cuss like me;

who just don't give a fuck like me who dress like me;

walk, talk and act like me and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

I'm like a head trip to listen to,

cause I'm only givin you things you joke about with your friends inside your dying room

The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all

and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all

I just get on the mic and spit it and whether you like to admit it {*ERR*}

I just shit it better than ninety percent of you reavers out can

Then you wonder how can vamps eat up these humans like valiums

It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm three thousand I'll be the only person in the spectral realm kickin' demons' asses when I'm slicin' off with axes

And I'm slicin' but this whole bag of spears isn't dicin'

And every single person is a Soul Reaver lurkin

He could be workin at Moby's Keep, knifin' up your sarafan {*HACH*}

Or in the dueling lot, circling

Screaming "I don't give a fuck!" with his cowl down and his sword up

So, will the Soul Reaver please stand up?

And put one of those talons on each hand up?

And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control and one more time,

loud as you can, how does it go?

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

I'm the Soul Reaver, yes I'm the real Reaver

All you other Soul Reavers are just imitating

So won't the real Soul Reaver please stand up,

please stand up, please stand up?

Ha ha

Guess there's a Soul Reaver in all of us

Fuck it, let's all stand up

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Fun, ladies & gents? I'm working on the next chapter of RB. No promises, but it should be out before Nov. Peace, Love & Blood Lollipops. };-D