A/N: Just something stupid I wrote in 2010. There must have been a good reason I never posted it, and I think I'm about to find out what that was now.

This is probably supposed to resemble a romantic comedy, hence the whimsical tone, lame attempts at humor, and weird pairing. I shall also try to finish it within two or three chapters - and after that maybe try not to put up any more of my old stuff. (Unless, of course, the fandom clamors for it.)

EDIT: Edited impromptu. The pairing that existed hitherto (I won't name it) has been scrupulously replaced with one that the fandom might find more palatable. Remember kids, always think twice before posting a fic.

The Love Gurus

Chapter 1: The Beginning

It was one of those sunny, somnolent afternoons that visited Kanagawa but rarely, when everyone was expected to be indoors, resting up or otherwise engaging in activities that they would not get the chance to engage in on normal afternoons. An idle poet who had been in need of inspiration for only too long would have found this day more than conducive to writing good poetry. And though Sendoh was no idle poet, he certainly was at this moment idle.

Akira Sendoh sat in his usual spot on the pier near his house, smiling brightly to himself and exuding benevolence from every cell of his body. While he might be passionate about fishing, he certainly wasn't lucky all the time. This, however, was not one of those times.

When Sendoh felt the first tug on his line, he thought that it had become entangled in seaweed, and was about to sit around and wait for it to disentangle itself when the optimistic side of him appealed to his better senses. He retracted the line, only to discover that what he had mistaken for seaweed was one of the largest fish he had ever seen in these waters. What species it was, he couldn't tell, for he had seen few fish in his life. But a fish was a fish, and a fish in the bucket was worth two in the sea.

So he thought as he tossed the flailing fish into the bucket. But he had underestimated its momentum. That coupled with the fact that it was still slick with water resulted in its knocking the bucket over, and falling back into the water with a mocking splash.

"Holy fish in a bucket!"

Sendoh seldom swore, but the situation definitely warranted it.

"Oh well." He was optimistic. "There are other fish in the sea."

He was alluding, of course, to the fact that there were other fish in the sea. But Soichiro Jin, of Kainan, who happened to be passing by, and whose love life had recently taken an unfortunate turn for the worse, saw an entirely different meaning in Sendoh's words, and thought, here was a man who was obviously very experienced in the department of love, and who could help him sort things out.

"Sendoh!" he said suddenly, his exuberant voice piercing through the air like Cupid's arrow.

Sendoh was startled into dropping his fishing rod into the waves below.

"Oh, bummer." He had been very fond of that particular rod, ever since it had proven itself capable of catching fish – ever since today. And it had cost him a fortune, to boot. But the loss of a fishing rod, lamentable as it was, was not enough to make Sendoh forget the proprieties. "Oh hi, Jin. What're you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just passing by. And then I saw you. And then I decided to say Hi!"

Hisashi Mitsui, who just happened to be passing by at that moment, thought it strange that Jin spoke so excitedly to Sendoh.

"Jin." He walked up to the Kainan shooting guard with the air of a parent who is about to excoriate his errant son at length. "Are you in love with Sendoh?"

Jin was shocked. He spluttered feebly as he tried to come up with something in his defense.

Mitsui took advantage of the drop in the other's guard.

"Because the way you were talking to Sendoh right now sounded so gay that words can't really describe it. I mean, it was even gayer than the time when Tetsuo – you wouldn't happen to know him, would you? – tried to take advantage of the rest of us."

Jin did not know Tetsuo, nor did he want to. Jin was not in love with Sendoh. Unfortunately, he was not tactful either, and it was with innocent curiosity that he asked, "What did he do to you?"

Mitsui's face darkened.

"I don't want to talk about it." He looked out into the horizon. "But I assure you it was the most painful and traumatic experience I've ever had in my life."

"Let's not talk about it, then." Sendoh knew when a certain topic was becoming uncomfortable. "Do you guys want to eat fish? I've got a big one right here— Oh, darn it, that's right."

Sendoh stared wistfully at the overturned bucket and the trail of seawater leading to the edge of the pier.

"It's okay." Mitsui placed a sympathetic hand on Sendoh's shoulder. "We all lose things once in a while. In my case it was my virginity, and in Jin's it's his self-respect. What's a little fish compared to that, huh?"

"But it was a big fish." Sendoh sighed. "Oh well, I guess if it's gone, it's gone."

"And Mitsui," said Jin. "Just to clear things up, I'm not in love with Sendoh."

"Then why were you getting all up close and personal with him?"

"Um…" Jin didn't know how quite to put it.

"Well?"

"Well, you see… there's this guy…"

"Let me guess. You like him, but he likes someone else. Am I right? Typical."

"How did you know?" Jin was astonished.

"Let's just say that there's a whole crowd of people where you come from."

"So what do I do? I was hoping Sendoh could help me. I mean… He is pretty good looking—"

"And you expect me to believe that you feel nothing for him?"

"But I am good looking," protested Sendoh.

"What I meant," – Jin cleared his throat – "was that Sendoh's probably dated a million people by now, and he'd definitely know what to do in my case."

"Sorry." Sendoh shrugged sheepishly. "You've got the wrong guy. I've never dated anyone."

Both Mitsui and Jin looked at him with incredulity. They became disillusioned.

"Seriously?" said Mitsui. "Then… are you gay?"

"No," said Sendoh. "But since you seem to be obsessed with it, I'm thinking maybe you are." He sounded like one who has extrapolated something significant.

"Of course I'm not," said Mitsui hotly. "Quit fooling around. So why is it that you've never been on a date before?"

Sendoh reflected awhile before venturing to reply.

"I think it's because of all the romantic comedies I watch," he said. "Scary things tend to happen to the guys in them. They call them 'romantic comedies', but the girl goes off with another man at the end, and the guy is left to cherish fond memories of all the times that he spent with her. Hey, that's sort of Jin's story, isn't it?"

Jin didn't wish to be reminded.

"So yeah," said Sendoh. "Romantic comedies can be scary."

"Maybe," said Mitsui, "the girl goes off with another man at the end because that man is the protagonist of the story."

"Oh?" said Sendoh. "Funny. I never looked at it that way. Besides, there are lots of better things to do than dating. Like playing basketball, for instance, or fishing."

"Fishing?" said Mitsui with a bark of a laugh. Basketball, he could understand – indeed, he felt the same way about it himself – but fishing? "Have you ever even caught fish?"

"Yes," said Sendoh with righteous indignation. "Just this morning. But I accidentally threw it back into the water."

Mitsui laughed for a full minute.

"Sendoh, you make me laugh."

"I can see," said Sendoh. "Although I don't understand what you find so funny."

"I mean, how could you prioritize fishing over dating?"

"Why not? How many people have you dated?"

Mitsui coughed in embarrassment, and said something that sounded suspiciously like "one". It later transpired that it was "none".

"There, you see," said Sendoh triumphantly. "The pot's calling the kettle black."

"Am not," said Mitsui indignantly. "It's just that… I just haven't met the right person yet."

"Man, you two are so lucky," mumbled Jin.

"What was that?" said Mitsui.

"You've never loved anyone passionately."

"No," said Sendoh, and he answered for both himself and Mitsui. "Tell me, what's it like?"

"Those romantic comedies are right: it's hell."

"Why?"

"Because they never love you back."

Jin looked so miserable that Mitsui couldn't but say, "Who's this guy of yours? Take me to him, and I'll knock his teeth in."

Jin blushed.

"It's Fujima."

"Fujima!" Mitsui's jaw dropped.

"Fujima?" said Sendoh. "You mean Maki's loud rival?"

"He's much better looking than Maki," said Jin. "And he's not loud – just passionate about the game that both he and I love so much."

"Touching, Jin," said Mitsui. "And if you love him as much as you say you do, then I'm guessing you've told him about it already?"

Jin was taken aback.

"What, are you crazy? He probably doesn't even know I exist. And," – Jin sighed – "he's in love with Maki."

Sendoh shook his head sadly.

"It's always the case with these first-time lovers. That character, Mortimer, in the latest movie I watched was always afraid of being rejected by Isabelle, so he hid his love behind a mask of impassivity, and went about his business as her butler, hoping that by some miracle she would notice his love for her, and reveal that she loved him back. But that day never came, and Isabelle eventually got married to a rich guy – Charles – and Mortimer continued to be the butler for the two of them."

"Sad." Mitsui clicked his tongue. "You see, Jin, you're likely to end up like Old Mortimer here if you don't act now."

"But how?" Jin sighed.

"We'll help you," said Sendoh.

"What! What do you mean 'we'?"

"We'll help you," repeated Sendoh, placing an arm around Mitsui's shoulder.

Mitsui cursed.

"Oh, thank you so much!" said Jin, clasping Sendoh's hands in a manner no guy should ever do no matter how grateful he felt. "I'll pay you a thousand yen each at the end of it."

"Call me the Love Guru!" said Mitsui, his eyes sparkling.

"I knew I could count on you guys." Jin smiled warmly.

/tbc