I Swear
Chapter One: September Fire
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own the song in italics. It is If I Die Young by The Band Perry.
Sorry for any mistakes, I hope that they aren't too bad.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
My head is pounding as my alarm blares next to my bead. I silence it quickly and cringe as my muscles protest. I would like nothing more than to go back to sleep but I can't. I'm drenched in a cold sweat.
"Lennix?" I hear my mother outside of my door. If she comes inside, she'll know something is amiss. If they know, then I won't be allowed to return to school.
"I'll be down for breakfast in a minute, I promise." I yell hoping she'll move on to wake my brothers. I breathe a sigh of relief when her footsteps move along down the hallway.
I strip my bed and toss my bedding into the hamper. Our housekeeper Laurel will take care of it when she comes in on Monday.
As quickly as I possibly can, I take a shower. I feel slightly better when I step out and throw on some clothes. Now I just have to convince two trained healers that I am well enough to return to school.
By the time I join my family at the table, I am the last one there. My brothers are almost finished with their breakfast. They are anxious to return to school. We all are.
"Good Morning everyone" I smile cheerily as I take my place next to my twin.
"Did you take a shower?" Lucas asks as he looks up from his plate at me.
"Yes"
"But didn't you…?" I kick him under the table and he shuts up. He knows I am hiding something, but knows better than to sell me out.
"Is everyone all packed up for school?" My father looks up from his paper unaware of the silent exchange Lucas and I have just shared. He pauses when his eyes land on me. "Everything alright, Nix?"
"Of course, I'm packed and ready; fifth years a big deal." I smile.
"If you say so" He looks skeptical. If anyone is going to see through the smile it will be him.
I eat quickly, relieved when we arrive at the train station without any problems.
Our big family is waiting on the platform for us.
Uncle Fred is waiting with Aunt Luna. They've been married for nearly eleven years now. And have two children together not including Fred's seventeen year old daughter Amanda. She's the head girl this year; which is amazing considering she managed to inherit her father's love of pranks. The two younger children; ten year old daughter Tali, and eight year old son Gale hug their sister and look sad saying goodbye.
Blaise and Pansy Zambini are with their three children. Tristan is the head boy this year. Their daughter Sarah just turned twelve. It was quite a shock to them when she ended up being in Ravenclaw. Then there is nine year old Lauren. She is dancing around her family as her father follows her with his eyes.
Uncle Ron and Hermione are both preparing their middle child, Rose, for her first year at Hogwarts. Their son Gregory is only a year older than me. I can see him nodding repeatedly at what his parents are saying. In his arms is the baby of their family, seven year old Hayley.
My brother Logan walks over to the Potter family and greats their oldest son, fifteen year old James. They are both in Slytherin and close even though Logan is a year older. Like Ron and Hermione, Azlyn and Harry's middle child, Lily is heading off to her first year at Hogwarts. Harry has his hand wrapped around the hand of their youngest girl, Rory.
I make a point of walking over to my Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur's family. Their daughter Temperance and I are the same age and we are both in Gryffindor together. Two years younger than Temperance is her sister Aston. Then there is ten year old Isabel.
Uncle George and his wife Katherine are standing near my uncle Fred. Their oldest son Christopher is only twelve and in his second year. Then they have two girls; Ten year old Riley and five year old Margaret.
Together we are a huge crowd. Even larger when we are with our grandparents and the one cousin I have who has already finishes Hogwarts. Clarissa is twenty one and has followed her father into the dragon taming business. She is the only child of Uncle Charlie and his wife Anna.
After what feels like one million goodbyes, the thirteen of us heading to Hogwarts all board the train together. Quickly we all fall off into our own groups. Amanda, Gregory, Christopher, and Rose all go off together. Logan heads off with Tristan, James, Sarah and Lily. Then there is Lucas, Temperance, Aston, and me.
I doze off for most of the ride to school. My head has resumed pounding and I'm sure I look awful when the train arrives in Hogsmeade. As soon as I step off the train I manage to lose my footing and almost run right into James Potter.
"Watch where you're going" He snaps before turning to realize it's me. My brother who is standing next to him looks concerned.
"You okay Lennix?" He questions right as Lucas manages to come through the crowd next to us.
"I'm fine, just tripped over some first year. Too bad I couldn't actually knock you over Potter." It's well known that James and I don't like each other.
"One day the two of you will admit you're in love." Amanda smirks.
"Hell will freeze over before a Potter and a Malfoy ever get together." James snickers.
"People said the same thing about a Malfoy and a Weasley and yet…" Temperance laughs as we all begin making our way to the carriages.
"Our parents are the exception to the rule." Lucas places and arm around my shoulders as we walk. "They are the Romeo and Juliet of the magical world."
"Who the bloody hell are Romeo and Juliet?" Logan looks at Lucas like he has grown a second head.
"It's a muggle love story with a tragic ending." Temperance explains.
"You, my dear brother, are the weird one of the family." I smile up at him. He is nearly four inches taller than me even though we are twins.
"Somebody has to be the strange one." He laughs.
It is strange to see people we saw hours ago sitting at the table of professors. Hermione is the transfiguration professor now that McGonagall is the headmistress. Azlyn teaches defense against the dark arts. Blaise teaches potions and Luna teaches charms.
Both Rose and Lily are sorted into Gryffindor. I peak across the great hall and notice that regardless James looks extremely proud of his sister. He may be an asshole but at least he loves his family.
I am exhausted as I make my way to the private room my father's money pays for. That's what people think anyway. They believe my father is the reason I have my own private rooms. They believe both of my brothers opted to be in the dorms but I wanted to be on my own. It's why Temperance is my only friend. My own house believes that I am stuck up. They all believe I think I am too good for them.
It's not the truth. And as I step into my bathroom and the charms that hide what is fall away; the truth stares me in the face again. The red hair and silver eyes that the rest of the world sees, that all of my cousins see are replaced with haunting blue. The intricate design that swirls across my skin, reminds me of the curse of my mother.
It reminds me of the tragedy she has endured. And the tragedy that is less than a year away now. My body is tired. I won't see sixteen. My aunts and uncles know. My grandparents know. My brothers know. The headmistress knows. But no one else knows anything.
I am dying. And there is nothing that will stop it. The counter curse does nothing for me. Every remedy they have tried has done nothing.
I won't ever fall in love.
I won't ever be a mother.
I won't ever finish school.
I've accepted my fate. My parent's haven't. My brothers refuse to even talk about the fact I am fighting a losing battle.
Life isn't fair. In fact it is downright cruel. But there is nothing I can do to change it.
I spend a long time staring at my reflection before getting ready for bed. I am glad that tomorrow is Saturday. I have all weekend to gather my strength for school. I am determined to finish at least the first half of the year.
As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am asleep.
The forest is dark. I'm chasing someone. A girl runs ahead of me.
Suddenly we break into a clearing, and she stops suddenly facing away from me. I walk slowly towards her and tap her on the shoulder. My breath catches as she turns around.
It's my mother. But it's not. She looks like her. But she is much younger. She must be close to my age.
It feels like an eternity that we stand there just staring at each other.
"Accepting your fate is a coward's way out." She mocks. Her voice isn't right. It doesn't match with the person I am looking at.
"I don't have much of a choice now do I ?"
"You're just giving up."
"They've tried everything"
"But what have you done?"
"What am I supposed to do?" I am confused but she doesn't answer me. Instead she begins to fade away.
"Come back!" I yell into nothingness. "What am I supposed to do?"
But she is gone.
Morning comes sooner than I would like. I try to fall back asleep but can't. Once again sweat sticks to my skin. I feel gross. At least I can use magic to clean my bedding.
I take a long shower. The water is running cold by the time I turn it off. And it is nearly noon by the time I head down to the great hall. I'm not very hungry but I know it's the sickness. I have to eat to have any strength.
I drop into a seat next to Lucas. He gives me a concerned look and I know later he will say something.
As I eat I feel as if I am being watched. I turn around and lock eyes with Chance Henderson. The look on his face makes me uneasy. His expression is that of a lion as it watches its prey. I force myself to turn around but not before I notice that James is looking at Chance. They are both in Slytherin, Chance is seventh year.
After lunch I head out by the lake to enjoy the very last of the mildly warm weather. I am sitting by the lake when both of my brothers join me.
"Tell me that Lucas is insane." Logan demands as he sits in the grass on one side of me and Lucas on the other.
"Well…" I joke. I know what he really means but I can't help myself.
"Lennix" Lucas warns. "I know you've been getting sicker lately. But I'm beginning to think it is worse than we know. Should you have even come back this year?"
"I'm fine. I'm tired, but fine. I've just been having weird dreams."
"What kind of weird dreams?" Logan presses.
"I chase this girl through the woods who turns out to be mom but not mom. She keeps telling me that I am a coward who has done nothing to change her fate, but won't tell me what I am supposed to do."
"That is weird." Lucas tosses a rock into the lake. "Are you sure that's all?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
They leave it alone, and the school year begins uneventfully. The dreams continue. The pain continues. The exhaustion grows. I spend almost all of my weekends sleeping and catching up on the work I am falling behind on.
When the first Hogsmeade weekend arrives at the beginning of October, I opt to stay behind. I am walking aimlessly through the halls when I turn and bump into someone.
"Little Miss Malfoy, just the person I was hoping to run into today." Chance Henderson's voice makes my skin crawl.
"Leave me alone Henderson." I turn away and try to leave but he grabs my arm.
"I don't think so, little girl." He grabs my arm. My heart begins to pound. And with a pounding heart I begin to become light headed; of all the times for my failing health to screw me over. "You see, darling, I've been watching you for a couple years now. You've become quite the beautiful thing and I you and I need to be dating."
"That isn't going to happen." I try to yank my arm away but he tightens his grip and I flinch. "You're hurting me."
"It wasn't a question, you see, I know things. Like I know how Travis Bickman really died." He smirks.
"The whole world knows my mother killed him during the final battle. He was a causality of war. It's not like he didn't deserve it, sick bastard. So, I'm not sure how you think that is going to change my mind." I keep trying to pull away but his grip just gets tighter and tighter. I am now positive that there will be bruises where his fingers are.
"He was unarmed when your mother killed him. It would be a shame it that got out. She would go to trial and then off to Azkaban for murder." He laughs. I'd kill for someone to show up at this point but we are in a part of the castle most of the younger students never go. And almost all of the older students are out of the castle
"Prove it." My vision is beginning to blur. If I pass out I am afraid of what will happen. "No one will ever send her to Azkaban for it."
"But the trial will ruin her. She'll lose her Healers Certification. She'll be shunned. Your family will become a spectacle. Do you really want to put your family through that?" I hear footsteps coming towards us and it takes all my control to not breathe a sigh of relief. "Think about it." He lets go of me and hurries away.
My knees give out immediately and I fall to the floor leaning against the wall.
"Lennix?" James Potter's voice makes me look up at him. "Bloody hell, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, why?"
"You're as pale as the ghosts." He sits on the floor next to me.
"That's probably the nicest thing you have ever said to me." I deadpan. I push myself up to stand. But the dizziness washes over me and I lose my balance. James catches me before I hit the ground. "Perhaps I am a little dizzy."
"Should I take you to the hospital wing?" He looks concerned and unsure of himself.
"No, I should have eaten this morning, that's all." I lean my head against the wall and take a deep breath. Slowly I begin to feel better again. "I'm absolutely fine." I want to tell him to go away but I can't. He is my security right now. With him sitting next to me, I am safe.
"If you're sure" He begins to stand but I grab his arm in a panic. "What Lennix?" He is annoyed by the gesture. We are back to this. I can take it. I just can't take being alone right now.
"Could you give me a hand? I'd like to make it back to my room before my brothers find me and overreact." I silently pray he will help me. I know he isn't heartless.
"Fine" He rolls his eyes at me but helps me up anyway. Together we begin walking towards my room.
"Why aren't you in Hogsmeade?" I ask to break the silence.
"Lily needed help with her potions homework." I knew he had a heart.
It takes me twice as long as it usually does to climb the stairs and I have to stop and catch my breath at the top.
"A bit out of shape, are we?" James smirks and I glare at him. "Can I ask you something?" He says as we begin moving again.
"You just did. But yes." I answer. We stop right next to the entrance to my private room.
"Why do you have a private room? I've known you our entire lives. You just don't strike me as the too good to share a dorm room type."
"It's personal." Why did he have to ask the one question I can't answer?
"Fine, whatever, you're here. So I'm done." He shakes his head in annoyance and walks off.
After days of hiding out and debating I am forced to make a decision the next to Chance corners me. I can't put my parents through any more suffering, so I agree to be his girlfriend.
The thought makes me so sick I spend the entire following night throwing up. When I finally fall asleep it is nearly sunrise.
"You can't catch me." I run through the trees around my grandparents' house. Several of us are playing tag. I'm running from James as he chases me.
"Lennix, we're going too far. We aren't supposed to go past the clearing!" James shouts as I continue on past our boundary.
"If you're too afraid, then I win." I shout laughing as I continue running.
"I'm not afraid of anything." He follows me.
My dress catches on something and as I pull it rips making me lose my balance. I roll down a small hill and land in a creek. My arms and legs are all scratched up and my dress is ruined.
"Lennix!" James manages to run down the hill without falling. "You're hurt."
"I'm fine."
"You always say that when you aren't." He observes as he helps me to my feet.
"I didn't know there was a creek back here. I've never come this far." I ignore his previous statement.
"We aren't supposed to come this far. We're going to be in trouble." He helps my climb back up the hill and together we begin walking back towards the burrow.
"Sometimes the things we aren't supposed to do are the most fun." I smile.
"You're dating Chance Henderson?" Lucas pulls me aside after class the week of Halloween. "And I hear you have been for a couple weeks now?! I'm your bloody twin Lennix. This is something you tell me."
"I've been busy." It's a lie. I've been avoiding my brothers and avoiding Chance. I've successfully managed to spend as little time with him as possible. Every time he comes near me my skin crawls. And all he does is parade me around his creepy friends. During the three evenings I have been forced to spend time with him I've returned to my room to take a scalding hot shower. I feel awful.
"Why Henderson? He's a fucking creep." Lucas looks skeptical. He's smart. He knows it means something that I didn't tell him.
"There you are Red" I cringe at the name Chance has decided to call me and I stiffen when he wraps an arm around my waist. "We're heading out for a walk around the lake" The way he smiles at me makes me sick to my stomach.
"That's right, we should get going. I'll see you later Lucas." I plaster the biggest smile I can manage on my face before letting Chance guide me away.
"What did he want?" Chance snarls once we are outside of the castle.
"He's my twin. He likes to know what is going on." I cringe as his grip around me tightens.
"What did you tell him?"
"Nothing; I told him nothing."
We stop suddenly near a large tree and he pushes me up against it. All of the wind leaves my lungs and I'm sure a bruise is spreading across my back.
"Good." He kisses me forcefully on the mouth. Everything about this moment feels wrong. I feel dirty just being here. I try to break free but his hands on my shoulder keep me frozen in place. Wonderful, a couple more bruises to add to my ever growing collection these days.
It's close to curfew as I make my way back to my room. I just want a shower to wash the scent of him off of me. But there is someone waiting for me outside of my room.
"Henderson? Really?" James is leaning against the wall with one eyebrow raised at me.
"Go away Potter." I brush past him but he puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me. I wince involuntarily. I've been had.
"Hurt your shoulder Malfoy?" He drops his hand.
"I'm fine."
"We both know better."
"Don't just…don't" My voice catches as I step into my room and leave him alone in the hall.
Every bone in my body hurts. My skin feels as if it is on fire. I want to scream but I won't. I am a master at hiding the pain.
"You look awful." James observes sitting down next to me. Our whole family is on vacation together. We are both eleven and heading off to Hogwarts soon.
"I'm fine."
"Lennix."
"You're not always right James Potter. Why must you follow me around all the time? Go away." I am too harsh and I know it. But I won't break this charade for anything. No one will see me suffer. I am stronger than that.
"Well sorry for caring. You're turning into a brat."
"And you're turning into an annoyance."
I don't leave my room at all on Halloween. I know everyone is in Hogsmeade or sitting around eating candy. I sleep most of the afternoon only pulling myself from bed because the feast is mandatory. I can tell looking in the mirror that I am running a fever. I splash some cool water on my face and will it to go away.
My suffering will end soon. I have to keep reminding myself of this. No more playing the part. No more refusing to get close to people. No more anything. I will be at peace.
"Are you stalking me?" I question when I run straight into James when I go to leave me room. Instead of answering he brushes past me into the room. I shut the door and turn to face him. "This is my room, get out. We're going to be late for the feast."
"What is going on with you? And don't pull that I'm fine crap. I know better. You can tell me or I can mention that something is off to my mother. She will contact your mother because I know something is going on."
"James, leave, you don't want to know."
"Try me." He takes a step closer to me.
I wave my wand and the charms fall away again. For several moments he stands with his mouth hanging open just staring at me.
"It's genetic but can only be passed onto a daughter. Because of that it doesn't work the same as the original curse. It's slow and incurable."
"How slow?"
"Not slow enough. I'll never turn sixteen." I sigh.
He takes another step closer to me and reaches a hand out to touch my hair.
"You're…"
"A freak"
"No, beautiful; it's a scary beautiful. Why do you hide this?"
"People panic when they see the markings of this curse. It's better for everyone this way."
"Your parents know?"
"Yes and so do yours."
"You were just going to drop dead and then maybe they would tell us why?" There is an emotion in his eyes that I just don't understand.
"I don't know." Up close he is really good looking. My skin doesn't crawl like when Chance is around.
It only takes a moment for something to shift. And even less for him to press his lips to mine. It feels like electricity is dancing over my skin and it's addictive. The kiss deepens and the feast is long forgotten when we fall back onto my bed. He goes to run a hand through my hair and a second shift occurs. He pulls away quickly and we are both catching our breath.
"You're hot." He whispers.
"Um thanks." I'm not sure why he chooses this moment to say something like that.
"No, I mean you're skin. It's burning hot. Is that normal?" He is still laying basically on top of me.
I try to say something but the lack of oxygen makes me lightheaded. I nod slowly and close my eyes for a moment. When I open them again, he is still starring down at me.
"We shouldn't be doing this." I whisper.
"Once a long time ago, a little girl told me that sometimes the things that we aren't supposed to do are the most fun. That's all we are doing. We are just having a little fun." He smirks and captures my lips once again.
Later, when I'm all alone, I can still feel the heat of his lips against mine. No harm in having just a little fun.