This is dedicated to an amazing friend; Izzy. Thank you for being my muse and also the person who allows me to text her whenever I re-watch greys and freak out. Please could you let me know what you think and if I should carry on!

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Meredith POV

Once in a while life changes; it either takes a drastic turn it comes to a stop. It's foretold that we will have that stop eventually whether we want it or not. There have been so many times I wished my stop would take me away and make me human again. I have wished it so many times that sometimes I do recognize the person staring back at me. I remember the lost little girl I used to be and the women I have become, yet I'm still lost and despite being taller and older I still feel like that abandoned child at the carousel.

"Mer, where do you want this box?" Alex called towards me.

I turned and smiled at him. "Upstairs" I told him directly. He just nodded and walked up the stairs that he was leaning against as he tried to get my attention. I was currently focused on the few portraits that had never lefts the walls of the lounge no matter who had lived here. They weren't anything personal. They were simple landscapes my mom had invested in when I was a child. We'd sit and stare at them for hours for no reason at all.

I felt a strange sensation near my knee as I looked down to my eldest daughter tugging on my jeans to get my attention. I bent down and picked her up holding her against her chest. Like usual her head went straight for the position in between my neck where she was always most happiest. "Momma what you staring at?"

"This painting. Your Grandmother had when I was little" I explained. I knew she'd be like her father. She was intelligent and knew when to speak and reply and when not too. Despite only spending a few years with him she picked up all his characteristics such as the random kissing of my cheek whenever I looked sad or distant. I could see her small eyes picking up the colours and the way they splashed around the canvas. Her little brain was trying to make sense of the mess that someone had created.

"How about we get you to bed now?" I asked. She nodded sleepily and I knew I was right. She had insisted in helping us day moving. Several other friends had offered to take the children out for the day, keep them amused but Zola insisted they would stay and do what they could, even if this only included her moving her small dollhouse from the box to the side of the room she preferred it.

Meredith walked with the little girl in her arms upstairs. She saw Alex then leaving what had always been her room with the last box finally placed down. "Thank you" I said.

"Anytime" He smiled and let himself out. He knew we needed to settle in and with the help of a certain auntie it would be easier than I first thought.

"Come on, crawl inside" I smiled. Zola practically jumped out of my arms into her own bed again. I had on purposely kept the same bedding as it was the one daddy had picked out and decided would suit her already purple room.

"Momma?" I heard her little fragile voice call out for me. It hadn't got boring yet. Every time it made something inside me alive again.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Will you tell me that story again about you and Daddy?" she asked. Ever since he went she would always ask for stories like this at bedtime instead of fairytales. She wanted a real life story one that made her feel safe and comfortable.

I moved her body gently across the bed and slipped down besides her, my arm going around her to hold her closer to my chest. I felt her little headrest on me and knew it was time to begin.

"Well when me and your daddy first met..." I began the story. Sometimes saying it made it real again, it would always be real but sometimes it was hard and telling our daughter without the bad parts or the inappropriate parts made me feel almost human again.

As I finished one the many stories I told our daughter I saw her eyes were finally closed. Her small chest was rising up and down. I kissed her forehead and carefully got out of the bed without waking her. I knew how tired she was and wanted her to have a good sleep, as she'd be back in daycare tomorrow as I was working again.

I walked into Bailey's room to see him already sound asleep and closed the door almost shut knowing his fear of the dark. His daddy had always told him if he leaves the door open a crack no monster would come inside.

I made my way to my youngest child's room. I had it closest to me, as she was still young. She was old enough to sleep in her own cot in her own room. As I walked in I saw her asleep and snoring gently in Amelia's arms. I grinned and wanting nothing more than to take a photo and hold onto it.

"Hey" Amelia smiled and whispered quietly appreciating she finally got Ellis to sleep after her tears and cries all night long. She hated change just like her mother.

I watched as she gently lifted her down into the cot, pulling the cotton blanket across her small body making sure she wasn't too hot or too cold throughout the night, as any small reason would cause her to scream the house down at 3am. She quietly sneaked away and I followed her downstairs.

By the time I picked up a few of the toys that had already found their way to the stairs and put them away in the small boxes I had applied around the house for instances such as this I saw Amelia sitting on the couch. I slightly leaned down into the material and sat next to her.

I hadn't even realised I was crying til I felt Amelia grab my hand tightly to help me through it. I hadn't realised a lot recently. Crying seemed to be something I done without noticing now. I just cried whenever I felt empty or wanted Derek.

"We'll get through this together" she told me. I smiled and leaned on her arm knowing that right now I couldn't have done this without her. She said the same things Derek did when I felt sad or upset. She'd take care of the kids if I needed a few minutes to get myself together and more importantly she wanted a family to love her and we love her.

"You sure you don't mind living with a widow and three children?" I wiped a few tears away and faced her. I was used to people leaving me it was routine.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else" she grinned and I saw the dimples that Bailey had began showing every time you tickled him.