Disclaimer: Ghostbusters, Peter and Dana Venkman and Oscar Wallance © Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Columbia Pictures. Jessica Venkman and Hayden Wallance © the author.
Ghostbusters: The End
Saturday, September 14th 2013
Columbia University, New York
8.30 a.m.
It was supposed to end with her sneaking out and closing the door quietly while he was still asleep. Unfortunately he woke up while she was sitting on the end of his bed, tying her shoelaces. The first thing he did was to go to the bathroom. Then he came back and, without bothering to put any clothes on, sat beside her at the foot of the bed.
Jessica looked at him. Hayden sucked in his breath, wincing as though he were in physical pain, and said, "Ffff - ooh, what's that face for?"
"I can't believe you did that," said Jessica.
"You said I could."
"I don't think I exactly said it."
"Yes you did - I can recall your exact words."
"I suppose you're going to quote them back to me," she said wearily, quite used to guys reminding her - but primarily themselves - of the embarrassing things they'd got her to say in the throes of passion.
"Certainly not," said Hayden. She didn't know if he wanted to sound pompous, or it was just the effect of the middle-class southern English accent. "I've no wish to be vulgar."
Jessica stood up and started pulling on her jacket. "Then try putting some clothes on."
"It's a bit late for that now, don't you think?"
"Whatever - I'm leaving."
"Must you?"
"This doesn't happen again, okay?"
Hayden lay back on the bed and said, with an infuriating little smile, "We'll see."
Jessica scowled at him. "I never had you down as arrogant."
"Oh, I'm not," said Hayden. "I'm just optimistic."
"Then you'll be disappointed," said Jessica. "I told you I was faking it."
"Yes, and then you told me you were lying."
"I only said that so you'd take that pathetic look off your face."
"Oh. Well, I don't know why you bothered, as you were leaving anyway. So why did you come back to bed instead of going?"
"Because," Jessica said tightly, "I realised it was cold out."
"Mmm, makes sense. And why did we have sex again?"
"Because I knew you'd keep bugging me until I let you."
At this, Hayden cocked an eyebrow and said, "Jessica, you know I know you better than that. If you didn't want to, then you wouldn't have. And anyway, that doesn't explain why you woke me up at five o'clock and initiated it a third time."
"Well," said Jessica, no longer trying to sound convincing - it was pointless. "I was just checking - I couldn't believe it was really as bad as I thought the first two times."
She looked at him comically, and he burst out laughing. She laughed too, but tried to suppress it as she said, "Damn it - why do you keep making me laugh?"
"Because I'm hilarious," said Hayden.
"I'm leaving now," said Jessica. "And that's it, okay? No more. The. End."
"I don't believe you expect me to agree to that."
"Yeah, well - with any luck you'll meet a nice girl sociology student who has a thing for cute blondes with British accents."
"English."
"What?"
"It annoys me when you talk about my accent as British - there are loads of British accents."
Jessica scowled again, more deeply this time. "So? You talk about American accents, don't you, and there's gotta be a hundred of those."
"Yes," said Hayden, "but that's because they all sound the same to me. But I know you can at least tell the difference between English and Scottish, because I'm sure I've heard you talk about Scottish accents. So how come my accent's British and theirs isn't?"
"You can't want to have sex with me again that badly," Jessica said sourly.
"Oh, I do," said Hayden. "I'll stop objecting to you saying I have a British accent if that's what it takes to get you to have sex with me again."
"It'll take more than that, Wallance."
"Really? Like what?"
"Aahhh… it's too early to be witty. I'm going."
She went, and as soon as she closed the door on him she met two young men out in the corridor. They stared at her for a moment, and then started giggling. Jessica folded her arms and glared at them until one of them stopped laughing, and said, "Sorry, sorry - it's just… he only got here yesterday!"
"Yeah," said Jessica, "well… I'm 'is gelfriend from England, innit?"
"Oh, right," the young man said. "He didn't mention you."
"Oh, tha's charmin', tha' is. Oi!" She turned round and banged on Hayden's door. "We ain't in Chewwsea naah, 'Ayden! You don'ave to be ashamed of your gelfriend from Burmin'um no more!"
At this the door flew open and Hayden, now having bothered to put on his jeans, stood staring at her incredulously. Then at last he said, "Birmingham?"
"We'll, um… catch you later," the guy said, and then he went wandering off with his giggling friend who apparently didn't talk.
"What on earth are you doing?" said Hayden, laughing.
"I'm demonstrating that all British accents sound the same to us yanks."
"Except Scottish."
"They'd have believed me if I said I was from Scotland."
"Jessica," said Hayden.
"Yes?"
"That was the sexiest Birmingham accent I have ever heard. And I mean that one hundred percent."
With that, he grabbed her arm and pulled her back into his room. She was bigger than he was, and could easily have resisted if she'd wanted to. But she didn't.
.-.-.-.
John F. Kennedy Airport
Twenty-three hours earlier
"We've probably missed him," said Peter.
"Don't worry, we'll recognise him," said Dana, his wife, who was peering into the throng of passengers arriving from Gatwick Airport with much more enthusiasm than her husband was demonstrating. "It hasn't even been seven years."
"Yeah, but he was a kid then. He will have changed."
"Well, he won't have changed into a… a forty-year-old overweight Asian woman, will he? Anyway, Kate says he's expecting - oh, that's him!"
The nineteen-year-old Hayden Wallance was instantly recognisable as an older version of the adolescent boy whom they had last seen just under seven years ago. He was taller, and presumably wider, but still skinny by proportion. He was still fair-haired, fair-skinned and fragile looking, dwarfed by the two large holdalls slung on his shoulders.
"HAYDEN!" called Dana, waving him over.
He looked extremely surprised to hear his name, and even more surprised when he realised that it was indeed he who was wanted, and not some other Hayden. He secured one of his holdalls as it threatened to slip off his shoulder, and then made his way smilingly over to Peter and Dana Venkman.
"Hello," he said. Of course his voice had changed. The last time they'd heard it, it had been on the cusp of breaking. Now, it had. "You're not waiting for me, are you?"
"Your mom said you were expecting us," said Dana.
Hayden's look of surprise intensified. "Well, what a rotten little liar she is. Ah," as a cell phone started ringing somewhere about his person. "That'll be her. Do excuse me."
He unzipped one of his holdalls, rummaged around in it and eventually pulled out a small phone. He then gave the caller display an exasperated look before answering.
"Hi, Mum," he said wearily, struggling slightly with his luggage, with which Peter began trying to help him. "Yes, I'm fine. I got mugged and raped at Gatwick, but apart from that… Actually, I'm being kidnapped at the moment. One of them is stealing my bag, and the other one's saying you told her to meet me here. Can you believe that?…"
.-.-.-.
Columbia University
Many Hours Later
It was a nice day. Peter and Dana were sitting on an outside bench drinking coffee from Styrofoam mugs, with Peter glancing at his watch every so often.
"Why did we say we'd wait for him?" he said at last.
"In case he needs us," said Dana.
"Why would he need us? We're not his parents."
"No, but his parents aren't here."
Hayden had begged them not to wait for him, insisting that everything he had to do would take hours. He had to have all his paperwork checked; he had to organise a cafeteria card; he had to get set up on the university's computer network; he had to fetch his room key…
"Anyway," said Dana, "if we'd wandered off somewhere else, he wouldn't have known where to meet us when he finished. He'll be really tired after all this - let's ask him to come home with us for dinner."
"All right," Peter said disinterestedly, and as he spoke, Dana saw that Hayden was at last approaching them.
"Thank God that's over," he said, sitting down by Dana. "Queuing for an hour and a half so someone can look at my passport for three seconds is just silly, really, isn't it?"
"I'd have thought it would make you feel at home," said Peter.
"I don't know why," said Hayden, "the English are renowned for queuing. I don't believe we queue any more than the rest of the world."
"When was the last time you ate?" asked Dana.
"On the plane."
"And the last time you ate real food?" asked Peter.
"Breakfast."
"It must be about dinnertime in England," said Dana. "You need to eat something. Come home with us and we'll give you dinner."
"It's not dinnertime here," said Hayden. "You don't have to."
"It's fine," said Dana, getting to her feet in a no-nonsense manner. "I'm pretty hungry myself, and Peter and Jessica will eat at any old time."
"Oh," said Hayden, "is Jessica going to be there?"
"Don't worry - I'll tell her she has to be nice to you."
.-.-.-.
The Venkman Household
4.00 p.m.
Peter and Dana were at an age where seven years - or just under - could not have been expected to show kindness to them. Their daughter, on the other hand, was now twenty years old and in her prime. Jessica had never thought she was pretty, and nor did she particularly like her body, but she knew what she had and how to use it. At least, that was the impression Hayden had got when he saw her with her boyfriend all those years ago. She had been a well developed thirteen year old, and he was a mature twelve - he'd wanted her badly enough then. Now, they had both grown up quite considerably.
"What the hell are you looking at?" said Jessica, when Peter and Dana were in the kitchen but Hayden had stopped at the living room doorway, to watch her doing nothing more interesting than reading a magazine on the couch. She still sat, moved and dressed like a boy, he noticed, but she hadn't been able to look like one for a very long time.
"I'm looking to see how much you've changed," said Hayden.
She stood up, put down her magazine and adopted a hostile stance. "I haven't."
"Not much," he had to agree. "You're looking good."
She looked furious. "No I'm not!"
"I think you are."
"If you start being a fucking perv again, I'll - "
"What?" said Hayden. "When was I a…? Oh, wait." He glanced towards the kitchen, and then ventured further into the room, saying in hushed tones, "Are you still angry about me snogging you at that New Year's Eve party?"
Jessica blinked. "I beg your pardon?"
"Oh, sorry - I forgot you don't speak English here."
"Er, excuse me - I speak English a hell of a lot better than you can. You have no idea."
"I'm from England," said Hayden. "Where are you from?"
"You're not bickering already, are you?" Dana's voice said, and he turned to see her standing in the doorway.
Hayden smiled at her. "Just like the old days, isn't it?"
"How does steak and eggs sound to you?"
"Heavenly."
"Good - I'll go and get started."
" 'Hevvan-loy,'" Jessica said mockingly, once her mother had left. "If it's possible, I think your voice is even more annoying now than it was then."
"I'm not from Birmingham," said Hayden.
"See? You can't even say Bir-ming-ham."
"Yes I can. We're talking about the English Birming- oh, this is ridiculous! We're both adults now - can't we try and get along?"
"You can't say 'adults' either," said Jessica. "And no, we can't; and yes, I am still mad about you molesting me."
"I only kissed you."
"Will you keep your voice down?" she hissed. "You knew I didn't want you to."
"You're right, I did," said Hayden. "I'm sorry."
That seemed to take her by surprise. "What? Are you?"
"Yes. It's certainly a strong contender for the best half-second of my life, but you're right - I shouldn't have done it. Please accept my apology."
She shrugged, and said grudgingly, "All right."
"I don't suppose you're sorry you punched me in the face straight afterwards?"
"No I am not! You deserved it."
Dana reappeared at this point, and said, "I hope you're being civil, Jessica."
"It's a vast improvement on the last time I saw her," said Hayden.
"I see," said Dana, frowning at her daughter. "Come through to the kitchen, Hayden. Dinner won't be much longer, and you can have a nice friendly conversation with me."
She turned and went back to the kitchen, and Hayden made to follow her, but stopped when Jessica said, "Hey."
He turned back to face her with an inviting smile.
"If you ever touch me again," she said, her voice dangerously low, "it'll be more than your lip that gets damaged. You got it?"
Hayden held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Understood."
He then went through to the kitchen, and joined Peter at the table. The people may have changed, but the house hadn't. He remembered it all now. Hayden had gone there with his parents, his brother and sister once or twice a year between the ages of eight and thirteen, to visit his half-brother: the son from his father's marriage to Dana.
"So how's Oscar these days?" asked Hayden. "We don't see much of him anymore - not even when he comes to play or Wembley or somewhere."
"He's all right," said Dana. "He finds it all a bit stressful, but I think he's used to being in the public eye now, anyway. I expect he'll come home soon - he knows you're here."
"When you're not here," said Peter, "where are you studying?"
"Brighton," said Hayden.
"Oh. Never heard of it. Is that one of the good ones?"
"Good God, no - Brighton's absolutely full of plebs. My father does not approve."
"So why go there?" asked Dana.
"Was it just to annoy him?" said Peter.
"I don't do things just to annoy my dad," said Hayden. "I went to Brighton because I was getting a bit tired of living among rich middle-class white supremacists, and because I didn't want to stay in London but I wanted to be somewhere with a lot of crime."
"Um… why?" said Dana.
"I'm specialising in criminal sociology."
"Is that why you chose New York for your year abroad?" asked Peter.
"Sure," said Hayden, his eyes falling on Jessica as the tantalising smell of steak and eggs brought her into the room. "And because I know you guys. Look - you're feeding me and everything," as Dana put a full plate in front of him. "Thank you, Dana."
"Do you always have dinner at this time?" Jessica asked distastefully.
Hayden glanced at the clock on the wall, and knew it would be after nine in England.
"Actually," he said, "I normally have it a couple of hours earlier."
"Don't you want any, Jess?" said Dana.
"Mom, don't be flippant.," said Jessica. "Hey, why didn't you go to San Francisco? Isn't that where your uncle lives?"
"Yes," said Hayden, "but he and Dad don't like each other - he definitely wouldn't have had dinner three hours early for me. And there were no places available."
"How's the rest of the family?" asked Dana.
"Well," said Hayden, "Mum and Dad are much the same as usual. Emi's been predicted B or above for all of her GCSEs, so she can expect a nice Christmas present this year. Lars has gone all the way to Norwich to do his degree, for some reason - but he's in Dad's good books too because he's learning to teach music, and because everyone's nice in Norwich so it's hardly costing anything to insure the contents of his room."
"How much does it cost to insure your stuff in Brighton and New York?" asked Peter.
"I don't know - I just sent Dad the bill and didn't dare look."
Jessica made a strange noise with her throat, and said, "Like he can't afford it."
"My dad's really not that bad," Hayden told her. "If I really thought my choices would make him love me any less… well, I'd have been a bit stuck, really, wouldn't I?"
"You're dad's a complete asshole," said Jessica.
"Jessica!" Peter and Dana said, in perfect unison.
Hayden looked at Dana and said, "I called everyone while I was queuing up earlier, just because I was bored. Lars actually sounded happier than he has in a long time."
"Where is Norwich, anyway?" asked Jessica.
Hayden nearly said, "Norfolk." Then he nearly said, "East Anglia." But in the end, it was, "You know when you look at a map of Great Britain, and there's this big lump sticking out in the east?"
"Yeah."
"It's near the top of that."
She snorted derisively. "That's right by London - it's no distance."
"It is to us," said Hayden. "Dana, honestly, I had forgotten how good your cooking is."
"It's probably because you're hungry," said Dana, with a bashful smile.
"It's so sweet of you to have a meal at half past four in the afternoon just because of me," he went on. "You'll be hungry later."
"We'll manage," said Dana.
"Perhaps you'll let me take you out."
"No, no, no - you save your money."
"Well," said Hayden, "I'll have to eat out anyway - I don't seem to have any food at the moment. Jess, would you come with me?"
Jessica started. "What?"
"You heard."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to look like a tourist," said Hayden. "Let's make a night of it - you can show me what young people do in a country where you can't drink until you're nearly ready to draw your pension."
"That's a great idea!" Dana said brightly. "Only this morning she was complaining about how she was going to be stuck at home on Friday night - weren't you, honey?"
The look Jessica gave her mother was pure venom.
.-.-.-.
An Extremely Dubious "British Pub"
9.30 p.m.
"People come here - I swear," said Jessica.
"No, really," said Hayden. "Why did you bring me here?"
She smiled. "I knew you'd hate it."
"I can't even numb the pain with alcohol," he said, staring forlornly into his bottle of J20. "This place is terrible! Why are the bar stuff doing stupid fake English accents?"
"To make you feel at home."
"Well," said Hayden, "I'm sure anyone coming here from the Hackney-Kensington-Liverpool-Glasgow area feels right at home."
"Oh, lighten up - can't you laugh at your own culture?"
"Yes," said Hayden. "If I actually spot any of my own culture, I'll be a picture of mirth."
Jessica laughed, and said smugly, "Teach you not to ask me out, won't it?"
"I didn't ask you out. I told you - it's just that I don't want to look like a tourist."
"And you don't. No self-respecting Brit would come in here."
"True," said Hayden. "Now then, I've answered all your parents' questions, so you know everything about what I've been doing. What about you?"
"Couldn't we just play darts instead?" said Jessica.
"I'm not playing anything with you - I remember how competitive you used to get when we played Snap."
She laughed again. "Oh yeah - I nearly pushed you off your chair, didn't I?"
"You did push me off my chair, as I recall."
"I did not!"
"Well, maybe not every time."
They laughed together, in spite of Jessica's efforts not to, until Hayden managed to calm himself and say, "So come on - what are you up to nowadays? Do you go to college?"
"No. Mom wanted me to, but I absolutely refused. I don't wanna be spending money I don't have - it's more sensible to start earning it."
Hayden grinned boyishly at her. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"I sell houses."
"What, you're an estate agent? That doesn't surprise me - I went to school with a few people who went straight into the property game and started earning upwards of thirty thousand a year before they turned nineteen. Ruthless, money-hungry types."
"It is great money," said Jessica, "and I'm good at it. But I don't like it much. I'm only doing it until I find something else."
"Something else like what?"
"I don't know. Something where I can make a lot of money and be my own boss."
"Well," said Hayden, "let me know if you find it."
"I don't think so," she said, accidentally grinning at him.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
The grin vanished. "That's none of your business."
"Oh, come on - where's the harm?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Maybe I'm planning on making a move."
"Hey!" She pointed a threatening finger at him. "Remember what I told you."
"Jessica," Hayden said levelly. "As though I would."
She lowered her finger cautiously, and said, "I'm not seeing anyone officially."
"What about unofficially?"
"Maybe one or two. So what about you - you got a girl?"
"No. I never officially broke up with the girlfriend I had at school, and we said we'd keep it going, but I haven't heard from her in about eight months."
It wasn't that funny on its own, but the comical way in which he said it made Jessica laugh again, as hard as she tried to stop herself.
"So," she said eventually, "you haven't replaced her?"
"No. Most of the women in Brighton scare me - or they did," he added, "before I remembered what you were like."
Shaking her head, Jessica said, "You haven't been scared of me for a long time."
"I have - I've always been terrified of you."
"But you were the one who always stood up to me."
"Not without trepidation," said Hayden.
"Yeah?" She took a swig of her J20, licked her lips and then, looking down at the bottle, said, "I always kind of admired you for it."
"What, really?"
"Sure. If anyone treated me the way I used to treat you, I wouldn't stand for it."
Hayden cocked an eyebrow. "Used to?"
"Hey," she said, meeting his eye again. "I've improved. I haven't yelled at you once."
"No, you're right - you've threatened and insulted me at a good steady volume. And you've found a subtler way of antagonising me by bringing me to this 'British pub'." With one last agonised look at his surroundings, he said, "Can we please leave now?"
"Go ahead," said Jessica.
"You don't really want to stay, do you?"
"Sure, why not? I could pick up one of those bartenders with a fake British accent."
"Wouldn't you rather have a real one?"
"Oh, for - "
"How abaaht it, darlin'?" Hayden interrupted, in a cockney accent that wasn't much better than Dick van Dyke's in Mary Poppins. "You fancy a bit of 'ow's ya father?"
"A bit of what?" said Jessica, laughing again.
"You heard."
"You've forgotten again what I said about you touching me, haven't you? Anyway, it makes no difference which accent I listen to - they all sound the same to me."
"Hang on a minute," said Hayden. "You mean as far as you're concerned, I sound the same as them?"
"Sure."
"I don't believe this. Have you once heard me say 'bloody hell' tonight?"
"Not tonight," said Jessica. "But in your life, yes."
"I'm sure they shouldn't say that to patrons," said Hayden. "Jessica, I couldn't bear it if you abandoned me for one of them. Let's go somewhere else."
"No."
"Oh, all right, fine. I'm pretty tired, as it happens - I haven't slept since it was morning in England. I suppose you know the way to the university from here, don't you?"
Jessica stared at him. "You mean you don't?"
"Of course not. This is my first night in New York since I was twelve."
"I could just leave you here," she said, grinning again.
"Mmm - that'd be funny, wouldn't it?"
"You could get a cab."
"Please come with me," said Hayden. "I want you to."
"Why?"
"I'm having fun. I can show you my room and we can finish catching up."
At this, Jessica burst out laughing. "No way!"
.-.-.-.
Columbia University
9.15 a.m.
"Okay, seriously," said Jessica, emerging from the tiny bathroom and towelling herself dry. "No more."
"Why ever not?" said Hayden, following her a short way, still dripping from the shower, and coming to a stop in the doorway. "We've done it four times now, so we might as well keep it up - no double entendre intended. It's not like it can go on indefinitely - I'm going home in the summer. Unless someone gives me a reason to stay."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. You might fall in love with me or something."
She gave him a stern look. "Hardly. Anyway, that wouldn't be any good - you have to go back to Brighton and finish your sociology degree. Here." She threw him her towel, and started climbing into her clothes. "Cover yourself up."
"Why?" asked Hayden, but he did as she asked.
"Haven't you ever seen Psycho Four? 'You only wanna be naked around a lady when you're having sex with her. Any other time, it just ain't respectful.'"
"We could have sex again, if you'd like."
"I don't believe you can," said Jessica. "Not after all that."
"You wanna try me?"
"Look, I told you - no more."
"I haven't seen Psycho Four," said Hayden. "I haven't seen Two or Three either - I've only seen the original."
"Oh, the sequels are all really good," Jessica said enthusiastically, putting on her jacket for the second time in under an hour. "It would have been easy to make crap ones, but they work brilliantly - and they all have their own unique identity too."
"I suppose you've got them all on DVD."
"Of course."
"Maybe you'll show me sometime. I still think of you, you know, every time I watch Some Like It Hot."
"Yeah?" Jessica was sitting on the bed again, lacing up her shoes. "You watch it often?"
"Once or twice a year."
"That good, huh?"
"It's an excellent film," said Hayden. "But it also has personal significance for me. I like to remember your sweet sensitive caring side."
"I only showed you a stupid movie because your grandmother was dying."
"It was the best thing anybody did for me during that whole time."
"I know," said Jessica. "Everyone else was being complete crap - I was just so sick of watching them all make a total fuck-up of trying to support you through your grief."
Hayden smiled indulgently at her. "Ah, that explains it - your competitive streak again. I think you'd probably like to know that you're the best sex I've ever had."
"Yeah? Out of how many?"
"You could probably work that out based on what I told you last night. But anyway - I suppose you don't want me to tell you that it really meant something to me."
Jessica scowled at him. "If you tell me that, you're definitely not getting any more."
"I'd better not tell you, then," said Hayden. "So there is hope, I take it?"
"You have potential," said Jessica, getting to her feet. "I'm going now, okay? Although God knows what I'm gonna tell my parents I've been doing all night."
"Don't tell them anything. It won't occur to them that we had sex - they'll assume we were either out partying all night or you crashed on my floor."
"Wow, Hayden, I never knew you had such loose morals. When you next see my mom and dad, are you going to be able to talk to them like you did yesterday, as though you haven't had sex with their daughter? Because if you can't, we have a problem."
"I expect I can manage that," said Hayden. "It is a secret, then, is it? I thought it might be - I was going to ask."
"Of course it's a fucking secret," Jessica said scathingly.
"Mmm, isn't it just - those are the best kind."
"Bye, Hayden."
"When can I see you again?"
"Oh, Jesus - how horny are you?"
"Extremely."
"I don't know - we'll see."
"Wait."
"What now?" said Jessica, pausing with her hand not quite on the doorknob.
"Kiss me one more time before you go."
"No."
"Please?"
"All right, fine." She turned, and allowed him to encircle her waist in his arms. "You're normally polite like this - I didn't think you'd be like how you were in bed."
"Oh, sorry," said Hayden. "Would you like me to be more polite next time?"
"Maybe there won't be a next time."
This time he didn't argue. Instead he kissed her as passionately as ever he had the night before, and then finally stepped back to allow her to leave.
Jessica had to take a few moments to catch her breath. Then she looked him in the eye and said, "No. Definitely don't be more polite next time."
THE END