"If no one is standing beside you
be still and know I am.
Be still and know that I'm with you.
Be still and know I am."
-The Fray
1.
If terror falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said.
It was only a few days after Haley's funeral that Jack started having nightmares. It hadn't fully set in for him until he had tossed the flower on top of her gunmetal grey casket. He had hoped that it would turn out to be a lie and that his mommy would come through the front door with a smile on her face and hug him tight. It never happened.
Every night when he climbed into bed with his daddy after waking up, screaming at the top of his lungs, he thought about the words that his mom would say when he had a bad dream.
"It's just a dream, sweetheart." She would run her hand through his hair and press a kiss to his forehead. "It's all over now, and I'm right here. You're safe."
2.
Be still and know that I'm with you.
It upset Jack greatly that as he got older, the memories he had of his mother began to dwindle. The only time he could completely recall what she looked like was when he was looking at pictures of her or watching videos. The one thing he never forgot, though, was the feeling of the last hug she gave him, the one that he had complained was too tight. If he had known that that would be the last time he saw his mom, he would have let her hug him until he snapped in half if that was what she wished.
Even though he couldn't remember her face very well, and he had forgotten what her voice sounded like, he remembered her hugs and the smell of her perfume. He remembered that she loved him with her whole heart.
3.
When darkness comes for you and colors you with fear and shame, be still and know that I'm with you and that I will say your name.
Every now and then, Jack could see that his dad still missed his mom. The smallest triggers would set it off: The scent of a lilac, the sight of a blonde woman who resembled her, a certain song on the radio. The facade would slip and Jack would get a glimpse of the pain in his dad's eyes.
There was so much that he didn't get to say to his mom because he hadn't known she was going to be disappearing. He had only been five at the time, but he would have tried to quantify the love and adoration he had for her as best as he could.
4.
If no one is standing beside you, be still and know I am.
There were few moments when Jack Hotchner felt truly alone because every time he felt like he had been abandoned, a serene feeling washed over him. He knew he imagined it, but he could feel the ghost of his mom's arms wrapped around him and the scent of lilacs.
He was never truly alone. Not with his mom watching out for him.