xXx Defective Love xXx

I didn't want this. I just wanted him to love me the way I love him. All of him. His hands that ruthlessly beat me, his teeth that drew blood, his knees that kept me pinned on my stomach. His cock that raped me.

I know he didn't mean it. It was my fault. I got in his way and told him how I feel. I guess he was drunk and didn't realize I hadn't done this before. He just forgot to use lube and didn't remember to go slow. Maybe he didn't hear me beg him to stop over the loud music he had turned on and ignored my cries of pain because he thought they were screams of pleasure.

He didn't hold me afterwards because he had to go catch a bus. He didn't hear me say "I love you" through the door that was closed behind him. He didn't say sorry because he didn't see the blood in his hurry to get dressed and leave. Leave to catch that bus. Not leave me. Uruha would never leave me.

I think the bleeding has stopped now so I think I should move now. Go clean up… maybe give the guys a call see if they want to hook up. It would give me a chance to see Uruha.

I slowly stand up - wincing at the pain - before going over to the mirror. I don't recognize myself. My hair is everywhere from being pulled too hard. A bruise covers the corner of my left eye; I don't know how that happened. My lip is burst from where he bit to hard and my lip ring has blood around the edges from where he pulled at it to keep my face down. My neck and chest are covered with various bite marks, nail marks and reddish blotches - except from a large purple/yellow bruise that covers two of my ribs on my right side… now that I think about it, it hurts to breathe, the mirror only reflects my top half but I am sure if it showed more I would see blood and come staining my thighs.

I make my way to the bathroom before stepping in to the shower cubicle. As I let the water run over my face it pools to my feet, tinged a murky hue of red.

Love hurts.

Reaching for the soap I spot my wrists. Faint but visible rope burns scratch the vein and round to the top of my hand. These weren't self made, no no no. This was just Uruha being kinky, his way of claiming me.

I am his.

As I run the soap in my hands I slowly build up a lather of suds before running it along my arms and chest, treading carefully and wincing at almost every movement. He didn't mean to make me hurt though, he just wanted me to remember him. My hands slowly reach my hips and thighs; there are no bruises here just scars. Scars that no one can see because I don't want them to worry. Hips hurt the most when wounded, but they heal quickly. Uruha must have seen them. I hope he won't worry about me. Kai saw them once when we were getting ready for a live, he kept an eye on me then stopped when he thought I'd stopped.

He was wrong.

After I wash my hair and step out of the shower a wave of exhaustion creeps it's was way over me. I lay down on the stained sheets with just the towel around me before weights hit my eyes and I sleep without dreaming.

xXx Next Day At Band Practice xXx

How I made it here I'll never know. Foundation is plastered on my face heavy enough to hide the marks my love made and the only other parts of skin showing are my hands. It's hard to walk without limping and wincing, but somehow I make it. I only just step into the room before a blur hits me embracing me in a tight hug. At first I think it might be Uruha but no, Uruha doesn't have rainbow hair and is shorter than the Miyavi that has a tight hold of me. I let out a gasp of pain making him quickly let go with a concerned look over his face.

"What's wrong Aoi-Kun?", he asks looking at me.

"Nothing, you just caught me off guard is all", I lie through a broken smile - broken because the cuts were impossible to hide.

"What happened to your lip?", he gently holds my chin looking closer. I hope he doesn't smudge my make-up.

"Oh… nothing, I was biting it again and just sorta bit it too far", I pray this passes as a valid excuse.

"Hm", is all I get. His eyes are disbelieving but he lets it drop along with his hand.

My eyes quickly scan the room. Ruki, Reita and Kai are all in deep conversation but… where is Uruha? He should be here, shouldn't he?

"Guys… where's Uruha?", I ask uncertainly.

"Not here yet", inputs Kai.

"Oh", my eyes wander back to Miyavi, "Why are you here?", I ask.

"Just to see you, beautiful", he jokes, slinging his arm around my shoulder. It doesn't feel right; it's not Uruha… what if he walks in and sees us? He could suspect something… no no no, this isn't right.

I quickly squirm away him and seeing his hurt look I quickly think of an excuse.

"I slept wrong last night; my shoulder is kinda tender, sorry"

"Ah… okay", he quickly bounces off to see the others while I find a seat on one of the couches and slowly sit down trying my best to ignore the pain that shoots up my spine. Resting my head in my hands I close my eyes and count the seconds, waiting for my angel to arrive.

My head snaps up at a door opening and Miyavi quickly tears past to embrace Uruha in the same grip he had me in, however, Uruha doesn't push him away. Instead, he hugs him back. Why isn't he pushing him back? Does he know I am here? Should I make him aware of my presence?

I stay quiet.

When they part Uruha doesn't look at me. Maybe he doesn't want them to know. It's ok, I can understand that.

"Right, let's get started. Miyavi… sit down and don't jump about", Kai told the hyperactive man in stern voice. Miyavi likes to jump about at our practices and do stuff like steal Kai's drumsticks or jump in front of Ruki and start to sing into the mic. Once he even went as far as to play Reita's bass… he suffered for that.

"Aoi, get your ass over here", commands Kai, looking at me this time.

I slowly stand up again, the pain from the bruise on my chest makes me put a hand over in and take in a deep breath. If anyone notices they don't seem to care.

Practice goes on as normal, with Miyavi clapping in an over-the-top way every time we finish a song.

Break arrives none to soon and I creep out for a much needed smoke. Almost all of me hurts especially my chest where the bruise is. But it was worth it. I know Uruha didn't mean it. I love him.

"You were meant to have quit, Aoi-kun", comes a voice that can't be mistaken as Kai with Miyavi at his side. Kai is the one that helped us all quit… except me… I lapse now and again just like I do when I add more scars to my thighs and hips.

"I know…"

Miyavi pokes me in the chest… right on the fucking bruise. I grit my teeth with a hiss.

"Oh, come on, I didn't poke you hard", he says, sounding as if I am faking it. He goes to poke me again but I grab his hand. Tight.

"Do not fucking poke me again or you will regret it", I sneer into his face. I know this behavior is unusual for me and they will surly pick up on it.

"Miyavi, why don't you head back inside? I need to talk to Aoi" Miyavi walks back inside without a word.

"So… tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing", I quickly reply before taking another draw.

"So why did you respond to Miyavi poking you so bad?"

"I am tired"

"Let me see your chest"

"NO!"

"Either you let me, or I go get Reita and he will force you"

I don't like that word 'force'; it implies I am not the one in control… like last night. Taking heed to Kai's seriousness I take a last draw before stubbing out my cigarette. But I make no move to undo my hoodie and lift up my t-shirt.

"Show. Me. Now", instructs Kai, sounding more than a little pissed at my refusal to comply.

Numbly, I unzip my hoodie and look to the side away from his eyes when I pull up my t-shirt to reveal the yellowish affliction along with the multiple little purple marks. I don't see his reaction but I don't imagine it to be his usual sunshine smile.

His fingers ghost the mark and I pull away and quickly zip back up.

"There. Happy now?", I ask still refusing to meet his eyes.

"Who… who did this to you, Aoi?", his voice is quiet and he sounds so dreadfully sad.

"No one", I shot back, afraid of getting Uru… the one I love in trouble.

"Bull", he doesn't continue but I shoot him a glare, happy that he can't see the bruise on my face through the make-up. "How are your legs?", he asks changing the subject, not that this new topic is much better.

"Fine", I lie, hoping he will let it drop.

"You always say that", he sighs, "You are coming to my house after practice"

"No"

"I will go get Reita if it makes things easier", he keeps threatening me with Reita because Reita is like the father of the group while Kai is the mother. Reita's firm hand and unwavering voice will make any of us do as commanded - even Miyavi - which says a lot. And I don't want anyone else to know… I don't even want fucking Kai to know, nevertheless, he does.

"Fine"

xXx At Kai's xXx

Kai wastes no time in making me strip after the dinner that he made. I know how this will play. He will see the fresh welts on my skin and go back to monitoring me. He has no embarrassment at having me stand in front of him in just my boxers which he makes me adjust by pulling them up to examine new wounds.

He sighs unhappily, his face obscured with concern, worry and anger. It's not my legs he sees. My reminders of last night are evident and numerous over my chest especially.

"Uruha did this didn't he?"

My eyes widen and I flinch away from Kai. "N-no"

His eyes go hard and he knows I am lying. He always fucking knows. "Why did you let him?"

It's no use lying… "I love him"

"I know"

"Then why ask?!"

"I wanted to hear you say it. Don't love him. He is a vindictive and sadistic prick", his eyes are bitter and stony… not the sunshine I know.

"But… I can't help it", I feel the tears sting my eyes. I don't like Kai seeing me like this, I feel naked and only Uruha should see me like this.

Only him.

"Aoi, Aoi look at me", I feel Kai's hand cup the side of my head and once again I pull back, my head feeling like it is being crushed under Kai's hand. He doesn't say anything about my head but puts his hands timidly on my shoulders as if to make sure they aren't hurt before putting his face close to mine.

"Aoi, listen to me. You can not love him. He will hurt you again. I knew someone else that got involved with him, they spent two weeks in hospital. Do not fall into the trap", his eyes are pleading with me. I don't want to believe him.

"But…"

"No", he sounds desperate now, "Aoi… use me instead"

"What?", I don't get what he is saying… use him?

"Instead of hurting yourself and… stuff… I… use me"

xXx Seven Months Later - Our Apartment xXx

"Wow… that was… wow", I pant out as I roll off of Kai.

"Yeah", he aggres, sounding as breathless as me. He nudges my arm with his head like a cat, wordlessly telling me to lift it so he can put his head on my chest.

We lay there for some time. At first, when we first started our 'agreement' I would leave almost immediately after I had come. After around two months Kai timidly suggested we move in together. I said no at first, my love for Uruha still burned deep and I cried for a week after he was fired from the band.

That was then.

"Have you heard from him?", I ask Kai, cutting into the silence.

"No"

"Okay"

I feel him shift and he sits up to look at me. His face is serious, "Do you still love him, Aoi?", he keeps his eyes fixed on mine, searching for any hint of a lie.

"No, I don't, Kai… I… I think I am… falling in love with-", my words are cut off as his lips touch mine in a slow but brief kiss, "You", I breathe, finishing my sentence.

"I love you too. But then again, you already I knew that", he smiles, it's his sunshine smile that I love so much.

We lapse back into silence as his head finds my chest again.

"Kai?"

"Mmm?", he doesn't move but I know he is listening.

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"Saving me"

It's all I need to say. He knows what he saved me from.

Myself.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Well… wasn't that fun?

Dark? Probably

Predictable? Maybe

Fucked up? Likely

Rubbish? Possibly

Good? You tell me!

Gonna review? You better!

You have just spent between three and ten minutes reading this depending on your reading speed… is it too much to ask for a small comment? Even just one word?

Thanks!

Hoshika xXx