The days we don't know

They move out of New York a week after the Chitauri incident. The plans have been to stay there for at least a month after the launching of Stark Tower, but neither Tony nor Pepper feel like staying there for longer than necessary.

After all the meetings – with S.H.I.E.L.D., the authorities, press – they fly to Malibu a day after Loki is sent away to Asgard and everyone else drives off in a different direction.

In Malibu they take a few days off, cutting themselves off from the world completely, and spend the time doing nothing together. There is sex and kisses and cuddles, meals and movies and even surfing. They drive along Californian coast in a convertible just because they can, fast, and they both love it, the thrill and adrenaline and knowing that everything is under control.

Pepper tries to apologize for not picking up the phone a few times and shouts at Tony for being a self-sacrificing idiot a few more, but he doesn't really seem like he wants to discuss all that, so Pepper lets the matter drop.

When the holiday is done, she goes back to her normal work in her office in L.A. There are a three more arc reactor-powered buildings that she needs to take care of now, as well as hundreds of little things that seem to build up in no time. And more press.

Tony has some projects he needs to work on, she knows, so he stays in his workshop most of the time, with JARVIS and bots and loud music, as always. At least it's a bit easier to make him remember to eat now than it was a few years ago.

Everything seems to be fine. New York is being rebuilt, people are eager to act. America is healing.

It's sometime at the beginning of August when Pepper wakes up with a start in the middle of the night. She is aware that she's just had a nightmare – the first one since she was a kid, she is usually a heavy sleeper – but she doesn't remember what it was about. All that she knows is that she wakes up terrified –

– and then she notices that Tony is not there.

Her heart starts racing as she sits up rapidly, head swimming, and looks around the room frantically: there isn't anything that could signify danger, no signs of anyone presence, it's just calm and dark. Calm and dark. And Tony is not there.

'Jarvis? Where is Tony?' she asks weakly, finding it hard to actually pronounce the words with how tight her throat feels.

'Sir in in workshop,' the smooth voice replies immediately.

Well. This is not that surprising.

'When did he go –'

'Approximately two hours ago.'

Pepper glances at the shiny numbers of the clock: it say 3:54. They went to sleep at 11. She'll have to scold Tony again for not sleeping enough. Reminding him that he is not twenty anymore and that he is not superhuman doesn't seem to work, he's just too stubborn.

She puts on Tony's shirt and walks down to the workshop barefoot, making no sound in the dark house. She finds Tony sitting by his desk and typing something quickly; at least there is no loud music involved.

'Tony?'

'Hey, Pepper, I'm sorry I left you,' he says quickly, without looking away from the screen, 'but I had this amazing idea I woke up with in the middle of the night and you know, some of the best inventions were exactly what people saw in their dreams and I had to come down here and work on it before it'd be gone from my head –'

'What is it?' she asks, coming up and standing behind his chair. There are just numbers and symbols on the screen that mean nothing to her.

'It's just a physics experiment. This piece, here,' he points at one line on the left screen, 'if I can run experiments and make those equations work, it will be a complete revolution in the efficiency of –'

'Tony. It's 4 a.m. I wouldn't understand whatever you might want to say anytime, especially at this time,' she explains, staring at Tony's dancing fingers. 'When will you be done? Come to bed? Couldn't this wait?'

'Sorry, Pepper, but I need an hour more – I just can't forget anything, I need to –'

'Okay,' she sighs. 'Got it. Dummy, make him a smoothie. Jarvis, please black the screens out if he doesn't drink it within fifteen minutes.'

Tony grunts but doesn't protest verbally. Pepper gives him a kiss on the head and leaves. She manages to catch two more hours of sleep.

It repeats.

Pepper wakes up a few more time within the next month, at first because of nightmares that she never remembers, and then just like that, out of concern maybe. Tony is never in the bedroom. They go to sleep together, usually around 11, and it doesn't matter if she wakes up at 1 or 3 or 5, he is almost never there. Each time she goes down to the workshop and Tony is working, yes, claiming that he really needs to do now whatever he is doing. It's true that he is more productive, SI got a good dozen of patents recently based on his ideas, but it's not worth it.

It's deceptive because he looks fine and behaves normally. If she didn't know, she would never say that he's permanently lacking sleep. They open a new SI facility and Tony charms everyone with his witty comments and dashing smile, he behaves better than usually and makes Pepper smile. He talks with press about arc rector-powered buildings and the one article shakes up public opinion so much that SI stock are rocketing. He keeps playing Tony perfectly.

Until he slips, once. A cup of coffee falls out of his hands and crashes on kitchen floor, the brown liquid spilling all over the surface and his clothes, and Tony flinches and takes a step back, as if the noise was much louder than it really was. His hands are shaking, he shoves them into his pockets, but it's a second too soon.

Pepper knows that she has to stop pretending that everything is okay; she know she has to push him into talking. She doesn't mention anything at that moment, because it's clear that Tony is distressed. Instead, she waits until next morning, when he is pulled together, smiling and talking nonstop, like always.

'Tony, can you stay for a moment?' she asks when they are done with breakfast and he's standing up from his usual spot.

'Yeah, sure, can spare a moment, what for?' he asks, walking up to the coffee machine to fix himself a drink to take downstairs.

'I think we need to talk about New York,' she says, making it sound as casual as possible, but she's looking for every little change in his behavior.

His face goes blank and his shoulders straighten a bit; he grips the countertop a bit harder than before, she can see the tension is his muscles. It takes him a moment to hide it all, but he knows that Pepper has noticed it.

'There is nothing to talk about, Pepper, you know that, we've come here and all that happened there just – happened, no need to analyze it or something, we're past that, aren't we? Yeah, the city is still being rebuilt, I know, and we gave them money, didn't we? I thought S.H.I.E.L.D. was taking care of all the alien mess while the authorities –'

'Tony, stop,' she cuts in softly. He stops speaking and looks at her questioningly. He's smiling, but his eyes look so tired.

'Yes, Pepper?'

'You don't sleep, Tony,' she states. There is no need to be gentle here, or to make her words elusive, because if she doesn't say directly what the problem is, Tony will try to outtalk her and dismiss whatever she says. 'I know it's been going on since New York and I know that two or three hours of sleep is not enough, even for you. I don't know what you're doing when you don't sleep, but –'

'I told you,' he interrupts, running a hand thorough his hair tiredly. 'I work. You saw, all those patents, all those ideas, I need to work on them –'

'– there is no such hurry –'

'– and I sleep in workshop sometimes –'

'Jarvis?' Pepper asks. Tony shakes his head with resignation; he knows that the A.I. will tell Pepper the truth. He himself gave her all possible overrides and a full access to every piece of data that Jarvis stores.

'Within last month there were three times when sir slept downstairs, for the average of one hour twenty two minutes,' the A.I. supplies.

'So, you see, I'm telling the truth –' Tony starts again, smiling, and finally presses the buttons of the coffee machine, since he's just been standing there for a few long moments.

'Tony, are you joking!? You are a genius, you do realize how bad this is for your health, you can go one like that, it's been three months, I am surprised you can even function –'

'Yeah, you've seen, I can function perfectly so it's not a problem of any kind –'

'What is wrong?' Pepper asks quietly, locking her eyes on his face the way that it might feel a bit overwhelming to Tony; he's never liked prolonged eye contact, it make his fidgety, but she knows she has to do this. 'Tony, what's wrong? Why can't you sleep?'

'It's nothing, I told you, I need –'

'I thought we were done with lying after that stunt about dying some time ago,' she states. It's a low blow, but she needs to know – no, he needs to trust her enough to tell her.

It takes him a long moment to reply and when he does, he focuses his attention on the mug in his hands, looking down, avoiding her gaze.

'I have nightmares, okay? There you go. Big secret. So I can't sleep.'

'Oh,' she breathes. She could say you should have told me or why didn't you or I get nightmares, too, but none of that would matter. 'Can you tell me what they are about?' she asks instead of reproaching or scolding him.

'I'd rather not,' he mumbles into his mug. His fingers are locked around the hot porcelain tightly.

'Will you?'

'… I will. Promise,' he agrees, still looking away from her. 'Just.. not now, okay? But I will.'

'Okay,' she agrees, getting up, too. She doesn't have much time if she doesn't want to be late for work, not that anyone would mind since she is the boss. 'Okay. But one more thing, Tony –'

'Yeah?'

'You'll get better,' she whispers into his ear, wrapping her arms around his chest and giving him a strong hug, followed by a kiss on the side of his cheek. 'Jarvis, keep an eye on him?'

'I always do,' the A.I. replies truthfully.

It must be really bad, Pepper thinks when she's in the car, if she really did admit to having a problem.

Pepper gives him a week to talk, not mentioning anything and not pushing him. Tony acts normally, besides avoiding meeting her eye a few times, and doesn't offer any explanation, so after seven days have passed, Pepper gets up from bed when she wakes up in the middle of the night, again alone in the bed. It's 3:13. She wraps a dressing-gown around herself and tiptoes down to workshop. Jarvis is giving Tony heads up because that's what Jarvis does and Pepper cannot change it, so when she gets down the stairs, she finds Tony tinkering with one of his vintage cars.

'Hey, Tony,' she greets him, sitting in his armchair. The floor is so cold here.

'Hey yourself, honey,' he murmurs from under the car and a moment later crawls out and sits on the floor. 'What are you doing here? Couldn't sleep?'

'I haven't been sleeping that well since I learned you are not sleeping at all,' she replies truthfully, studying him. 'I keep waking up to check if you are still there or already gone. Usually you are gone.'

'Sorry for that, I didn't want you to –'

'I really don't matter here, Tony, can't you see? I can deal with things. I can deal with you not being in bed. I sleep and I eat and I don't hide away. And I don't pretend I am okay.'

'Are you not okay?' he asks immediately, sounding worried. It's genuine, it's always genuine, but it's also so childish, in a way. And it's one of the things she admires him for.

'No, Tony, I am okay now, but I do not have to pretend. And if I feel worse, I do actually talk to people. They listen and they really try to make you feel better. You should try it sometime.'

There is a long pause when Tony is staring at her, looking lost and small in the big room full of machines and metal, suddenly.

'… you talked to someone? Not to me?' he asks finally. Pepper offers him a weak smile.

'I talked with Lisa a bit – and with Phil and Natasha, because all the crazy things are basically bread and butter for them, you know? I needed someone who would – understand. You could talk to Rhodey, if you prefer, or anyone… but you won't, right?'

'I'm not good at emotions,' he says, still standing in the same spot. Pepper wishes he would just take a few steps to reach her, do anything, but he seems – scared. Frozen. Unsure.

'Tony, now you're being childish,' she sighs, rubbing her face tiredly. 'You should know that –'

'That what?' he snaps, wrapping his arms on his chest. Defensive. 'That you know, okay, let's go through this, I saved the whole fucking Manhattan and possibly New York City flying a nuke into space and everyone has been calling me a hero ever since, worshipping me as if I were a god and I am not, there is another god on the team, go figure, and – and that it's been three months and I have been dreaming about the portal every single night and waking up sweaty and terrified and –'

'Tony?' Pepper whispers quietly, trying to get his attention, but he seems to be staring in space at something she can't see, and he's trembling slightly and still talking –

'– that I thought I would die there, in space, in the middle of nowhere, never seeing you again, just like that, and there were aliens I was supposed to fight but I am nothing more than a man in a can and I can't – I can't –' the stream of words suddenly stops, as if his voice was suddenly gone, he wraps the arms around his chest tighter, as if it hurt, as if he was shielding himself from something; his breaths are short and rapid and he falls down to his knees.

A second later Pepper is next to him, wrapping her arm around his back; he's sweating and hot and breathing irregularly and – it has never happened before, not to Tony, not –

'Tony?' she calls his name, but he doesn't reply, just stares at her blankly, as if his head was filled with something else than what's happening around him, and she realizes – she realizes he is hyperventilating and possibly having a panic attack or something similar, Tony, and her mind races through a first aid course she took back in college but it's been over a decade –

'Tony,' she says, not knowing that to do, 'Tony, listen to me, you are okay, you are not in New York, we are in Malibu, I've got you, okay? You are all right, I am all right, everyone is safe, whatever you're seeing is not real, okay? Calm down. Breath with me, okay?' she keeps talking but he doesn't seem to hear her, at least not for the first few moments, and then he does slow down his breathing a bit. Pepper calms herself down as much as she can, too. 'Good job, just some more, calm down, come on, you're okay, we're in Malibu…' she keeps repeating for some time, she doesn't know how long, but in the end he is sitting on the floor, slumped, hair buried in her chest and long hair, and Pepper struggles to keep her breathes slow and steady.

God, what have I done, she keeps thinking, can't stop thinking but manages not to say that aloud, I did this to him, he didn't want to talk because this would happened and I made him.

She feels sick.

'Pepper?' he finally says, his voice raspy and low, and she can feel tears tickling in her eyes as he stirs in her lap. 'I'm sorry –'

'Shut up, you moron,' she cuts in, her voice warm. 'You don't have to be sorry for anything, I should be sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you when you said you didn't want to talk –'

'You were right though,' he offers. 'I had to tell someone at some point and there is no one I can trust as much as I trust you.'

'I don't deserve it, obviously,' she replies, ignoring the queasiness in her gut. 'Has this – has something like this happened before?' she asks before she can stop herself; it is a relevant question, though.

'… just twice,' he admits, she barely manages to make out his muffled words.

'Tony – there are doctors, or medications, or something –'

'It will pass,' he says and Pepper decides it's one of the dumbest things she's ever heard.

'It's not supposed to have to pass, Tony,' she stated firmly, pushing him away a bit so that he has to sit up and look at her, look her in the eye. 'It shouldn't have to pass because you shouldn't even be suffering like this, it's – scary, I was scared, and you must have been –'

'I am okay,' he insists. Pepper actually laughs.

'No, you are not, baby. I– I want you to be, though. You deserve to be.'

He presses his lips into a thin line and hold her gaze for a few long moments before finally looking away.

'Can you come to bed?' she asks, breaking the silence. It feels like Tony could sit like that for hours. 'We won't sleep. Just come to bed. Lay down with me. I will be there. Okay?'

'… okay,' he agrees. 'J, save everything,' he adds and they both get up clumsily and go upstairs, dragging their numb legs.

Tony refuses to take any medication.

'I'm fine,' he keeps telling her. 'I am totally fine unless I – unless someone starts to talk too much and I get this flashbacks and then it's hard but otherwise, I am okay –'

'You're not sleeping,' she reminds him.

'I will try to sleep more,' he promised, and he does try. He just doesn't manage.

The other day Tony calls S.H.I.E.L.D. and almost tells him that he quits, but then he doesn't and he turns all of it into a joke. Fury gets mad like he always does, and Phil calls Pepper to ask what is going on because Tony doesn't exactly seem stable. Or rational.

She doesn't tell him the truth, because it would mean betraying Tony's trust and she would never do that.

'He's been in his insomniac mode,' she says instead, because it's close enough to the truth. 'You know how he gets, just talks nonsense endlessly as if it were the brightest ideas ever –'

'Are you sure you are both okay?'

'Yes, Phil. We are. Now, you were going to tell me about that new agents…' she starts, stirring the discussion away from Tony and herself. If there was someone she would confide in about the situation, it would be Rhodey, but she still hopes that Tony will do that himself. Since he did an amazing job telling her.

And he really doesn't have any more attacks, besides that one time, so maybe it's not so bad.

Then the Avengers get called in and Tony goes out as Iron Man, despite Pepper's protests. He doesn't want to listen to her being rational and asking him what happens if he has an attack or a flashback during fight. Instead he keeps silent.

At least Jarvis assures Pepper that if anything happened, he could take over the suit and control it for as long as it'd take Tony to get to a safe place.

Everything goes fine.

A few weeks pass.

Pepper tries to persuade Tony to talk to a therapist, or at least to Rhodey, but he refuses. He is sleeping a bit more – Pepper keeps checking that with Jarvis, who has actual and detailed information – and nothing much happens, so Pepper reluctantly lets herself thing that he really is healing with time.

There are some more missions, none involving aliens or portals, just regular down-to-earth problems, and as much as Pepper hates Tony leaving the house in the suit to rush into a battle, she appreciates those little blessings. Even when Tony finds himself in a tight spot and has more luck that anyone should, she can't bring herself to be angry at him for more than a few hours, tops, and then she forgives him.

Then, of course, something has to happen.

It takes Pepper entirely too long to understand what it means and that nothing will ever be the same.

During a mission Tony is separated from the rest of the team and captured. It takes them twenty two hours to find and rescue him, arresting all ten people they find in the facility and handing them over to S.H.I.E.L.D.

Tony looks okay, a bit tired, with a few scrapes and bruises, but really, he seems to be okay. Only that the first thing he does when the team arrives at Helicarrier is go to Fury and tell him he resigns from the Avengers. Pepper knows all of that because Jarvis is keeping an eye on Tony for her and reporting back what is happening to him in live time.

A cold chill runs down her spine when she hears that, but she doesn't know enough – the suit was disabled so Jarvis didn't have any feed on Tony for the time of captivity, he only got some data when Tony entered the 'carrier – to make any decisions.

When Tony gets back to Malibu house, finally, he walks up to her, pulls her into a strong embrace, and breaks down.

There are no other words to explain what happens: he gives himself to her arms, wrapped around his waist securely, and cries. Wails. Shouts, making her ears ring, it's pained and it's terrifying and she doesn't know what is happening, doesn't know what to do, it's not like that attack from a few months before, it's like seeing him fall into pieces, shed every layer of lies that he's ever managed to build around himself, exposing what is left and it's raw, scary, heartbreaking pain.

She manages to drag him to the sofa and make him sit down, resting his head on her shoulder still.

'Tony, calm down,' she tries, but he doesn't' respond. 'Tony, you are freaking me out now,' she says when he doesn't seem to understand what is going on outside of his head. 'Tony, please, calm down, breathe, calm down, stop crying, calm down, I am here, okay? Remember? We did this once, you did great, you were amazing, you can do that, just breathe, okay?' she keeps the words coming out of her mouth in an almost unconscious stream, but she feels panic raising in her chest. 'Tony, you are here, okay? In Malibu – it's me, Pepper, please, I am scared…'

It probably takes a few short minutes, but it feels like an eternity, for Tony to stop making noises, although he still is not responding to Pepper's words. She is terrified. Terrified.

'Jarvis, call Rhodey, make him come here now, make him use War Machine to be here yesterday, and call a doctor, someone, whoever will know what is going on with Tony and whoever can help me and him and – I just don't know –'

'I will do as you say,' Jarvis assures her, his voice as calm and steady as always, and just as the same time Tony – groans, because that's what he does.

'No 'tors,' he says, or so Pepper thinks, it's difficult to say.

'Someone has to look at you, Tony, you are scaring me, you are panicking – and I don't know how, I don't know –'

'Colonel Rhodey will be here in approximately twenty two minutes. He says you are lucky that he is in the base nearby and not engaged in any activity at the moment.'

'Thank god,' Pepper breathes.

'I made a cross-check for psychiatrists in the area and there are some names you might want to look at, Miss Potts –'

'He is calming down,' Pepper interrupts, because all of sudden Tony's breathes are steadying and he almost stops trembling. 'Save that for me, I will look at the data later – make Dummy bring me water here, okay? And wet wipes,' she adds, trying desperately to go back in her business mode; it's so much easier that way.

Tony is calm now; the quick transition is almost scary, even if Pepper has no idea what has really happened.

She makes Tony drink a few sips of water through a straw and cleans his sweaty face with the wipes; they have slight scent of mint and Pepper thanks fate for little blessings; it's refreshing and it seems to be soothing for both her and Tony.

'Pep –' he rasps out, but she doesn't let him say anything more. He seems exhausted, exhausted and groggy, so she strokes his hair and talks to him in a low voice, whatever nonsense comes to her mind; anything to get his thought away from whatever made him freak out like he did, and it seems to be working because before Rhodey gets there, Tony is asleep in her lap.

'What is going on in here?' he asks quietly, taking in the scene with raised eyebrows and a frown of concern. 'Pepper?'

'Tony hasn't been sleeping,' she tells the colonel without any useless introduction. 'Well, he has, but he's been getting nightmares and he's had three – panic attacks, I would say, since New York, and today…' she starts and tells him everything. Whatever she might have thought about Tony's right to choose and his privacy before, what she has just experienced first-hand is just too much to ignore.

'Something must have happened this time,' Rhodey states what has been obvious, but Pepper nods anyway. 'Have you called… someone? A doctor?'

'You know how he is with doctors,' she replies, looking down at Tony; she knows she isn't able to keep worry and fear out of her stare.

'It's too serious to be a matter of what he wants and what he doesn't want,' Rhodey replies. Pepper agrees again.

'I will call someone tomorrow,' she assures the colonel. 'He needs rest. I need rest. I need – I need to think. I need to ask him, however it might end…'

'I will stay. I should be able to call this an emergency. Dealing with Tony does give you special privileges,' he says with a weak smile.

'Thank you,' Pepper says quietly and she means it so, so much.

Tony wakes up a few times but Pepper doesn't sleep at all, so every time she talks to him and manages to make him fall asleep again, even if he is tossing and turning. It's still better than no sleep.

In the morning, around six a.m., he wakes up for good, and smirks at Pepper's concerned face.

'Sorry for yesterday,' he offers, turning around to lay on his back. He locks his eyes on the white ceiling, as if it was interesting. 'And don't say I shouldn't be, I don't care if I should be, I freaked you out, didn't I?'

'Yeah, you did,' Pepper admits because there is no point in lying. 'But –'

'Do I remember right? Is Rhodey here?' he interrupts before she can even really start the sentence.

'Yes, I didn't know –'

'Good,' Tony states and slowly sits up. 'Fucking vertigo,' he murmurs, putting his legs on the floor, and Pepper sits up, too.

'What are you doing?'

'I need to talk to you. About yesterday,' Tony says easily and Pepper's heart almost stops. It's so un-Tony that she just can't wrap her head around it.

'Tony, you – just take your time –'

'I need to,' he whispers, turning around to look at her. There is something in how he holds himself, in how he looks at her, that she just nods.

'Jarvis, wake up Rhodey and get coffee started,' she says, puts on a robe and follows Tony to the kitchen. She is walking a few steps behind him, so she can observe the confidence and tension in his steps, mixed in a way she has never thought could be possible.

Five minutes later they are all seated in the kitchen, holding mugs of hot coffee in their hands, and it resembles some holiday times when Rhodey came to surf with Tony so much that Pepper has hard time remembering why are they here. Or what has happened yesterday; it seems like a bad dream, in the sunlit kitchen, with Tony smiling and looking okay.

'I need you to quit army and take over Iron Man,' Tony says, breaking the silence, and Rhodey nearly chokes on his drink. 'Don't make that face, platypus, I – I mean it. Really,' he adds and takes a sip of the coffee. Pepper knows it's almost too hot to drink, but Tony doesn't seem to mind.

'Tony, why –' she starts, but he doesn't let her finish again.

'You know this situation when everything is too fucked up and you just know that you are insane? When you are rationally aware that you are insane? This is it,' he states, looking first at Pepper and the at Rhodey. 'I just can't do it anymore. I will be a danger to everyone, I will be – it will – ah. I can't.'

'Is it because –'

'Of what happened yesterday?' Tony finished Rhodey's question and offers them a beautiful wide grin. 'Yes. It is. I will tell you quickly, okay? I should be okay. I think I will be okay. It's just a little thing, you know?' he asks and chuckles darkly. 'So they found my weak spot. You know, this little thing,' he points at the arc reactor, 'and they… played with it. And water. You know water, right? Afghanistan –'

'We know,' Pepper says before he can elaborate; it doesn't seem like something she need to hear now and he doesn't seem like he would be able to talk about it now.

'It was just like… a breaking point, you know? After a few hours. I should have lasted longer. I lasted months in Afghanistan, I… But they asked about New York and I was okay for a few minutes but they kept talking and I didn't… I couldn't… I just panicked,' he says, starting to breathe faster, and Pepper exchanges a worried look with Rhodey. 'And they played on it. And I just… I can't. I can't. I don't want to go out there,' he adds, almost in whisper, gesturing at the window and the view of the sea and the land far off.

'Are you okay now? Will you –'

'I don't think I'll do that… again,' he assures Pepper weakly. 'I'm sorry for yesterday,' he adds.

'You need to talk to a doctor,' Rhodey states, looking at Tony, his head cocked, chin resting on his hands. 'Okay, Tony? This isn't something you can just brush off.'

'Will you take over being Iron Man?' Tony urges. 'Someone has to, and I don't trust anyone but you.'

'I will, if you agree to see a doctor. Deal?'

'Deal,' Tony agrees. Pepper lets out a relieves breath and offers Tony a smile.

'I am so proud of you,' she says. He shakes his head.

'There really isn't anything to be proud of,' he insists, but she is not going to change her opinion.

She really wants to know what happened there, in that facility, hour by hour, minute by minute, and then get those people who did it in her hands and do the same to them, ten times over, twenty times over, again and again until she will decide that they have suffered enough, because – she smiles, yes, she talks calmly, yes, but she can see, she can see perfectly well that Tony is – someone else. He might react to his name and look like himself, but he is not Tony anymore, and it's something much more scary and intense than after Afghanistan.

'I need you to swear you will not tell anyone what is going on,' Ton adds before they can all get up and walk into different directions. 'I couldn't – I don't want them to know. I can't think of them – please. Okay? Please.'

'All right,' Pepper and Rhodey say in unison. This is least they can do.

Tony talks to the doctor for… well, for hours. Pepper knows what is going on via Jarvis – with Tony's approval – so he knows the doctor deals professionally with the three panic attacks that Tony gets from talking. But he needs to say everything, the doctor needs to know, however painful it might be. No one but Tony can provide the man with apt descriptions and right answers.

And Pepper can tell that Tony is scared; he acts lite he isn't but he is. He is scared of himself and it's so incredibly painful to watch.

Anxiety, the doctor says. Panic disorder, obviously, Tony comments. PTSD, well, expected… Aquaphobia, only logical. Agoraphobia, possible, if Tony continues to feel about going out of the safe space of the house like he does right now. Bipolar, possible, matching Tony's behavior for the last few months. Or for the last few years. Or decades.

'It's like I have everything you've got,' Tony comments, shooting the doctor a smile. 'That whole diagnosis is a mouthful.'

'You are a mouthful,' the man replies, writing something down absentmindedly. Tony laughs. Pepper loves to hear him laughing.

'Is it possible to suddenly develop all of those?' Tony asks, sounding more curious than anything else.

'After everything you've been through? I would worry about you being a cyborg if you weren't a walking issue, Tony.'

'Wow, that's reassuring,' Tony laughs again.

The doctor recommends Tony a few therapist and says nothing will really work without therapy, because pills can only do so much. Then prescribes Tony medicine, trying to choose the minimum and only for the most pressing matters.

Within the next few weeks Pepper understands what it is like: go outside and smile and lie to everyone and go on normally, but get back home and worry about things she's never even thought about before.

For the first few days Tony is doing great but then he isn't; the medicine that helps him for the panic attacks and keeps him in check makes him feel exhausted, makes his thought slower and foggy and Tony hates it. He sleeps because it's what his body wants, he gives his body what it wants, and he gets frustrated almost to the point of crying when he wants to work and he can't because his body doesn't cooperate – or he keeps getting flashbacks; even if they don't cause him to panic, they leave him distressed, thoughts scrambled.

Then it stabilizes a bit. But it's not enough.

Tony does see a therapist and he is even cooperating, but there are no miracles: he needs time. Time, time and more time. And he is impatient.

Every single day Pepper kissed him to sleep and tells him how amazing he is and they make love and she tells him how incredibly strong and fantastic he is, she tells him that all the time, but she knows he hates himself for becoming what he is now, what he calls a wreck. A failed experiment.

'You need time,' Pepper tells him.

'You are doing well,' the therapist tells him.

'Don't you dare to rush yourself into anything,' Rhodey tells him.

Sometimes he smiles and laughs and talks endlessly, like he used to, and sometimes he whimpers on Pepper's lap as if he was in pain, even though she keeps repeating her that no, he is not hurt. No, arc reactor is okay. No, he is not sick, physically.

Pepper has Jarvis confirm his statements, but they are all true.

It is like having a small private world, in the mansion and within the small space around as she and Rhodey sometimes manage to persuade Tony to go outside. A small world that operates so differently from everything else that sometimes Pepper can't believe it's possible.

'My chest hurts,' he tells her one night, when she keeps holding him for hours and hours.

'Tony?'

'It always hurts, these days,' he adds. Pepper feels like crying, but she can't.

Then she learns chronic pain is hell.

There is next mission for Avengers and Rhodey goes in for the first time. Tony spends the whole time in the gym, alternatively hitting the punching bag, and laying on his back, panting, listening to Jarvis' voice. Pepper stays at home the whole day and sits in the corner of the room all the time, quietly doing all of her paperwork.

His knuckles are all bruised the next day.

Rhodey comes back and shares almost everything with Tony and Pepper. He seems excited and almost high on adrenaline from the mission.

The only thing he doesn't share with both of them is what Pepper learns later.

'The Avengers are unhappy about me filling in for – well, taking over Tony's position.'

'Why?' Pepper asks, frowning. It shouldn't be an issue, really…

'They think he's being a pompous ass, you know, because they rescued him and he was looking and acting okay, and somehow it doesn't seem to come to their minds that how he looked isn't everything. I thought they would be… different, you know. More understanding.'

'Tony has changed a lot,' Pepper offers, but it's not an excuse for anyone. It's a fact.

Sometimes she wonders if he is still himself.

She loves him anyway.

The next time she is in New York for business – she's been reluctant to leave Tony alone, but he's been feeling a bit better, Jarvis is monitoring him and the doctor or Happy could come by quickly in case of emergency – she goes to Stark Tower where the Avengers live now, and asks them for a meeting.

They agree because she is Pepper. Somehow, no one refuses her. The talk lasts for a few minutes before they reach the bottom of this.

'He blames us for what happened, right?' Clint asks, narrowing his eyes. 'Because it was not our fault, it was him who got separated from us –'

'It really doesn't matter whose fault it is. It really doesn't,' Pepper assures them, surprised that they don't get it.

'So, why did he quit, all of sudden?' Natasha asks and he sounds… disappointed. And a bit annoyed. Pepper really expected her to know better, but it just doesn't seem like they want to understand.

'If you are bitter, okay, keep being bitter,' Pepper says, instead of answering the question. 'I thought you were actually happy to have Rhodey instead of Tony, because he actually listens to orders and follows them… Do I have to remind you of all the times when Tony nearly sacrificed his life for the sake of a mission, for someone else, for hundreds of people? There were five times I know of that he's been this close to death. He's had enough reasons to leave you before. If you want to blame him now, you are free to do so. And I can't correct you because I would never betray Tony's trust. But here's a hint: you all seem to be forgetting that Tony is only human.'

She gets up, nods them goodbye, and leaves.

Then, on the jet back, she asks the crew to leave her alone and spends hours crying, for the first time since everything started.

Back at home, she is cleaned up and smiling, but Tony knows what is going on anyway. She stops him before he can start apologizing.

'I don't have to be here,' she tells him the words that she knows he would like to say to her. 'I do not have to be here and I have never expected tings to be like they are. I never agreed to things being as they are, it was not part of the deal – but neither did you. And I love you, Tony,' she says, giving him a quick kiss. 'I love you madly and I can't imagine leaving you. Regardless of what happens. Okay? Do you understand?'

'I do,' he assures her quietly. 'You are an angel, you know?' he adds and takes the jacket off her shoulders delicately.

Sex is the last reason she stays with Tony for, but it always makes them both happier.

One night Tony has a nightmare, despite the medication, and Pepper can't wake him up. He is crying and shouting, breathing hard, scaring her again – Rhodey is not there, she could call the doctor but he would do nothing but tell her everything they've been through, when he taught her how to manage Tony's attacks – so she keeps trying to wake Tony up and when she finally manages, Tony hits her with his head, trying to wriggle out of her grasp, and then wraps his hands around her wrists, holding her down, looking at her with his haunted, empty eyes for a few seconds that feel like infinity, and she's too scared to breathe – but then he seems to realize what's happening and lets go of her, gets out of the bed, runs to the bathroom and throws up.

Pepper walks there slowly, as if in a haze, pressing her cold hand against her cheek; it feels warm. Doesn't really hurt.

Tony looks at her with disgust, but she knows it's not directed at her.

'Tony –' she starts, but he, as usual, doesn't let her say anything.

'I know I'm sorry won't cut in,' he offers, his voice harsh from all the crying. 'We need to end this.'

'We are not ending anything,' she states firmly, looking at him and ignoring her slightly aching wrists; there will be bruises tomorrow. Today. Later.

'Yes, we are,' he replies, slowly dragging himself up from the floor and washing his face with a few splashes of cold water. 'Why don't you hate me?'

'It's not your fault,' she says for the millionth time. Maybe it's sick to feel nothing but helplessness and burning willingness to help; maybe she should be scared; maybe she should get away from him for a few days. Maybe that would be logical.

But – it's Tony. It's Tony and he's so hurt and amazing, and he deserves everything she can give him and ten times more.

'I am not going anywhere,' she assures him, taking hand and leads him back to bed. They don't really sleep, just lay among the tangled sheets, and Pepper sings Tony his favorite songs and holds him as tight as she can.

A few days later Jarvis informs her that there is a guest waiting at the front gate, but when she learns who it is, she tells Jarvis to let the car in.

She hasn't been expecting anyone – they don't do guests, they really don't – it's surprising and suspicious at the same time. She is getting ready for an evening meeting that she has to attend, so she is in make-up and elegant clothes, heels are on before she gets to the door. Tony is in the workshop with Rhodey, so everything is under control.

'You didn't give a sign of life,' Phil says when she opens the door and invites him inside.

'Sorry, I was a bit busy –'

'For two weeks? Busy enough to lack time to drop me an email? I was starting to think that someone kidnapped you all –' Phil says and Pepper tries not to flinch visibly at those words. 'Fuck, he hit you, didn't he?' he adds, staring at her face intensively and takes two steps ahead to stand in front of her.

'It's not –'

'If you say it's not what I think I'm going to call someone. I've seen many more bruises covered with make-up on Natasha and other agents to recognize one when I see it.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Phil –'

'I think that is a yes,' he cuts in, taking out his phone. Pepper knocks it out of his hand before he can do anything and the device falls dancing to the wooden floor. She won't apologize for that.

'Don't pretend to know what is going on!' she exclaims, taking two steps back to be in a safe zone. 'You have no idea. Don't – I repeat, do not – interfere in our affairs.'

'Then you tell me! Explain why you have a bruise on your face and more around your wrists! What else am I supposed to think about this? We all know that he is unstable and he's likely to –'

'Don't you dare to say anything more,' Pepper snarls, taking a few more steps back. 'It was not his fault! I am thirty-eight, I can take care of myself! Stop coddling me, now just – get the fuck out of here and don't come back until you apologize, you and everyone else,' she orders him, pointing at the door.

'Pepper, I am just worried, understand this, you have to –'

'Jarvis, show Phil out, I don't have time for this,' she says, picks her bag from the sofa. 'I thought you were smarter than this,' she adds and leaves Phil standing in the middle of the living room.

When she is out of the house she stops for a moment to collect herself and take a few deep breaths, then she takes out her pocket mirror, checks her make-up and hair, and nods to herself. A few steps later she's by the car, her back straightened, movements confident.

Before starting the engine she takes her cosmetic bag and covers her cheek with one more layer, just in case.

'Phil thinks you're unstable and that you've been hitting me,' she tells Tony.

It will upset him, but she owes him honesty.

'You see, Pepper –'

'I am only telling you think because I would like to tell him about your PTSD,' it's her turn to interrupt this time. 'I mean, it's nothing unexpected, right? I won't tell him everything. Just one piece of information so that he'll be satisfied. You know why, right? You are smart. You know this. And I will not do that without your permission.'

'Since I'm too fucked up to be in the real world, you can as well tell him every-fucking-thing, Pepper, honey,' he says with a smile. Pepper hates it. 'It will change nothing as long as I stay here.'

'You will not be like this forever. You will heal, Anthony Stark, and don't you dare to say something else,' she says in a threatening voice, but completely she's seriously. 'And if you try a stunt like the day after, I will tie you to bed with lace ribbons and you'll stay there for hours when I'm away.'

Tony smiles and chuckles at that; she wishes he would comment, she wishes he would say kinky or we need to try that or anything snarky, but he doesn't. It's okay, too. It's okay for now.

She calls Phil and gives him a two-minute lecture that is nowhere near detailed. She isn't sure she can trust anyone besides the residents of the Malibu mansion with information about Tony. He is too vulnerable and too precious to risk his comfort anyhow.

'He was having a nightmare and I tried to wake him up,' she tells Phil, keeping her words factual and cold, 'but he wasn't aware of what was happening around so he lashed out and grabbed me, but he realized what was happening a moment later. And he stopped, straight away.' Pepper doesn't have to tell the whole truth, she doesn't have to say that she sang him classic rock ballads in her croaky and uneven singing voice until he really calmed down. 'He remembered what has happened and when I went out to get something from my office, he packed a suitcase of random items and tried to run away from his own home. He is here only because JARVIS didn't let him go outside.'

'I didn't realize,' he says quietly, sounding apologetic. 'I am sorry, Pepper –'

'Save it, Phil. Just don't. I need some time now, I will be okay with all this in a few days. I will call you then.'

'… is he really worth all that you are sacrificing for him? Because from what I've seen –'

'You really know nothing,' Pepper says and now she is smiling. 'Think, Phil. All of you. Call me when you grow up,' she adds and hangs up.

It feels good.

There are good days and bad days, like always in life, everything just seems to be… more. More intense, more raw, more real. Pepper cannot make Tony stop apologizing.

They are both exhausted, bone-deep, but neither of them is giving up.

'I was doing so good after Afghanistan,' Tony says one time. He's been in therapy for half a year now and this is what they have managed to achieve: he can talk about the things that are the biggest triggers. Without having a panic attack. At least most of the time.

Pepper almost knows this speech by heart. She isn't surprised that he keeps saying that. He misses everything that life has been before, but even if he tries, he can't just go out and be his old self. Everything has changes irreversibly and whatever progress they are making – he is making – is slow, too slow.

Tony is still creating things for SI and for S.H.I.E.L.D. and does the armor maintenance, of course; he writes new and new code pieces for Jarvis and fixes his bots and machines and cars whenever it's necessary, but it's all slower. Less driven. She often finds him just sitting on the terrace, staring at the ocean – it's one of the places outside where he feels safe enough by himself, when he knows that even if someone would want to come and take the arc reactor from his chest, they would have to deal with Jarvis and a handful of security measures first.

The arc reactor is a standing issue: half of Tony's nightmares are about it, in one way or another, and yet he can't her rid of it. It's mocking him every time he glances at any mirrored surface – and it reminds him of its presence constantly, Pepper knows. She knows now that it used to ache all the time, but it was just a dull ache so Tony, of course, never said anything. After that twenty two hours, it hurts.

Tony gets prescription for pain medicine, but he can't use as much as he would need to make the pain disappear completely. He takes as much as he needs to function feeling relatively well.

The more it hurts, the more often Tony's attacks happen, and then they last longer. It's a never-ending cycle.

It takes the Avengers a few more weeks to decide that they grew up, like Pepper put it.

She gets a phone call from Natasha asking her for a girls' night out, like they used to do. Pepper refuses because Rhodey is not around and she won't leave Tony alone when he is having a rough week. Eventually she fixes a date, when Rhodey is back and can stay with Tony, and after she's had a chance to get some good night's sleep.

Natasha is patient. Pepper appreciates that.

When they meet, she doesn't ask Pepper about Tony, at least nothing personal, they talk about his work a bit though because Natasha has just got a few new toys. Pepper appreciates that even more.

Phil calls her, too, and waits until she is able to find an afternoon for him. He apologizes for being an idiot, admitting that he should have acted differently, especially as he's seen PTSD and similar problems in his agents after rough missions. Pepper says he forgives him and she thinks she really does.

Not that it makes anything better. Not that it changes anything that happens behind the walls of the mansion. The situation is just a little easier for Pepper when she knows that there are people who at least try to understand her actions and her choices.

Tony's having a rough time, with his anxiety sky-rocketing without any apparent reason – Pepper knows to check all possibly triggering dates with Jarvis, or anything that could impact Tony's state – and he's exhausted. The doctor prescribes him some new medicine because of what's been happening, and Tony is feeling sick and drowsy a lot.

Pepper takes a week off and spends it cuddling with him on the sofa, singing to him and whispering stories, building a slow calm reality around his nightmares and flashbacks.

He never hurts her again, not even during the worst nights.

Weeks pass. Nothing changes. Tony asks Pepper to leave him. Pepper assures her she will never do that. Tony tells her he could get himself admitted to a facility. She tells him she will never allow that, not as long as she is capable of taking care of him.

Tony tells her that she loves her and that he doesn't deserve her. He tells her she deserves better because he is broken and can't be fixed.

'I know it's difficult, of course, because it's a mix of emotions and reactions,' she says, trying to choose her words carefully, 'but those few times that have been most difficult for you, including the portal,' she eyes him, he tenses slightly, but otherwise seems okay, 'you saved the world. I don't think you understand the significance. You saved the world. You don't need to do anything else, ever, not anymore.'

'I want to get better,' Tony whispers in response.

'You will,' she assures him, swallowing invisible tears. He will, they have all time of the universe.

It just hurts sometimes to look back and Pepper can't stop doing that. Sometimes she hates herself for wanting him to be what he used to be.

'Steve wants to come and see you,' she tells Tony one morning. It's been months since he's seen face-to-face anyone other than his clique of five.

'Do you think I want Cap, the pinnacle of human engineering, the perfect man, to see me like that? Really?' Tony asks, raising one eyebrow and starting to chew on his waffle as if it was made of clay.

'You look great, Tony,' Pepper says, rolling her eyes. She knows what he is talking about, of course, but it doesn't mean that she will play along. He needs someone to tease him, sometimes, to joke, to mock him slightly. And – he really looks good, after the last bad period he's been feeling better – maybe it's the new medicine – and he is just looking healthier. More… present. That's a good word.

'Can we make love instead?' he asks and Pepper smiles. That always means he is feeling okay. It always means he is… a bit more like he used to be. It's always good.

Pepper wouldn't know how to refuse.

'Can I talk to Tony?' Steve asks on the phone.

'He's sleeping.'

'Slee– but it's four p.m. On Tuesday,' Steve says unsurely and Pepper can imagine him frowning.

'He's been feeling sick, Steve,' Pepper offers. It's half of the truth, isn't it? Steve is clever enough to understand the rest without words. She's always liked him, even if he and Tony have been doing nothing but arguing since day zero. 'I will let you know when he feels up to it, okay?'

'Of course, Pepper,' Steve agrees. Pepper smiles; it took her full three months to make him call her Pepper and not miss or lady or Virginia.

Finally Tony agrees to the visit, mostly because he's been having some good time again. The good time to bad time ration has been getting really nice and Pepper is anxious to hope that this time it's a real progress, that this time Tony is really getting better. They celebrate it with good food and terrace time.

Steve brings a folder full of drawings of Tony, Tony and the team, Tony and Pepper, Tony and his bots and the bots themselves – they are all really excellent – and he also brings a giant Tupperware box filled with homemade pasta.

'I even kneaded the dough for half an hour myself,' he says, a bit shyly like always. 'Like the women in Little Italy do.'

'Gimmie the food,' Tony says with a grin. They eat more than should be possible and then watch a movie – Jarvis-approved, he makes sure there isn't anything that could be a trigger – and it's good.

The next morning Tony has an anxiety attack; there is no verbal or visual trigger, so Pepper assumes it's just the presence of someone from outside affecting him, but Steve handles it well. He doesn't touch Tony, doesn't panic, keeps his voice calm.

He tells Pepper later, when Tony is in workshop, that he's dealt with shell shock back during WWII. Tony is much more complex than that, she tells him, and he says he is willing to learn.

Pepper invites Natasha and Phil to come to the mansion instead of meeting them somewhere in L.A. or New York or wherever. Tony gives his approval first.

One time Clint tags along. He is really good at coming up with jokes so bad that they make everyone laugh, even Tony, every single time.

Thor is not on the Earth, so it's Bruce to come by as the last person from the team.

He talks with Tony about mental health issues – Tony starts the conversation and keeps pushing Bruce, Pepper knows – and it ends with Bruce hulking out and Tony having two panic attacks.

'It's okay,' Tony tells Pepper. 'He doesn't tiptoe around me, scared that I might break. Even if I have – an attack, well, it happens, right? I am a galaxy away from getting rid of them anyway, so a few crazy times are a good price for knowing that someone's been there.'

The Avengers still save the world, Rhodey included, and sometimes they come by, all of them. They don't seem to mind that weeks pass and Tony is still in the same place; that seems to make him feel better. He stops pushing himself so hard. He finally starts to understand that there is no rush.

Steve comes by and covers half of the walls of the mansion with beautiful but somehow ridiculous paintings, since it's Tony's instructions he is following.

Whenever Bruce comes, it ends up in more or less painful catharsis.

When Tony is feeling worse – sometimes the pain it too much for him to care to get up – Clint says nothing, he just appears miraculously in Tony's bedroom and reads him aloud whichever weird book he can get hold of, he reads until Tony falls asleep or until his voice gives away.

Phil brings his cello and plays Tony's favorite metal and classic rock songs; Pepper would prefer something classical, but whatever pleases the king. Phil is a really talented artist.

Natasha… she is everything at once, she chooses movies with Jarvis and makes food sometimes, she helps Tony with his cars and holds his head when he throws up, and one time Pepper sees her crying in Tony's lap and for the first time Pepper sees in Tony's eyes the real genuine understanding of even the people you'd never expect break down sometimes.

So it goes like this: if Tony won't go out to meet the world then the world must come to meet Tony.

One time Tony has a really good few weeks and he gets a green light from his therapist – so he goes flying. In the suit.

It's his first time outside in almost two years.

He does amazing and Pepper is so unspeakably proud. They celebrate it for three days.

During really bad moments Pepper is still the only one that can approach Tony.

She holds him until her arms hurt, almost giving him bruises, and whispers endless sentences. It's nonsense, it's messy talk, it's slurred words, but it seems to calm him down and it's all that matters.

What hurts most is seeing him fully aware of his illnesses and hating all this so much that it's tearing him apart.

But Tony is slowly, slowly getting better, even if the arc reactor pain never gives him a break. There is no balance: sometimes he is doing so great that they can't stop smiling. Sometimes it feels as if they were taking one step ahead and three steps behind.

When they are alone, Pepper cries because she hates it. Tony cries because he hates it even more.

But if someone thinks she will give up, they don't know Pepper Potts.

A/N: Thank you for reading. I wrote this as a bit of a catharsis, but I hope you enjoyed this and that you're having great & positive & happy time yourself :) I will be very thankful for your feedback!