Disclaimer:- I don't own anything from OTH. Of course if i did then we'd never have had Lindsay but hey it does make for interesting TV huh?

A/N this is just a shortish drabble i've been working on for a few days. not really sure if i'll take it further but if i get a few good reviews then i might do so if you like this then you know what to do dont-cha? Enjoy

What is life like when you're alone? I don't mean just on your own with no one about but truly alone, no family nearby or at all, no friends at least no close ones who actually care about you and most of all no partner to make even the worst day brighten just by being there. Well to an extent I guess I can answer that question these days. You see despite still having at least one parent about unlike some people I know, loads of friends (well acquaintances anyways I can't shake that feeling of loneliness sometimes. Why? Now that's the story.

I once had someone I really loved. I said before that a partner makes even the worst day seem like a great one just by being there. He did that for me in spades. Hell he didn't even have to be in the room for him to make me happy he just had to be in my thoughts for me mouth to break into a huge grin. We'd fallen in love back in high school and despite a few bumps along the road we'd eventually gotten together until I moved across country for work stuff. I spent a year on the other side of the country to him and it just got too much for him. He showed up one day and proposed to me, not because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, well not only because of that but also because he didn't want to lose me and thought having a ring on my finger would mean he never would. When I said I wasn't quite ready for marriage then he gave up and left. I didn't hear from him for just over a year and then he called to invite me to a book signing he was doing, sorry did I not mention he was an author? Guess not, sorry about that, anyways where was I? Oh yeah...the book signing. He called me up out of the blue one day and asked me to come along. I t felt so good to hear his voice that day that I went, nervously and ready to run but I still went. When I got there I saw him kissing some beautiful woman (COW!!).

About that point my world kinda fell in and I ran without saying anything to him. I found out much later that they weren't together that night, that she was just his editor thanking him for allowing her to work with him, but back then I didn't know that. I just thought he planned to bring me along and show me what he'd replaced me with. It was another three years before I saw him again and that particular meeting didn't go all that well…not well at all. After a few months of tip-toeing about each other, arguing but not truly confronting the pain between us he stood up in church and said I do to the editor. Of course the night he'd proposed to her he'd kissed me and given me the impression he was going to break it off with her. Thankfully for her heart she'd seen the writing on the wall and told him quite politely that she wasn't going to marry him, not whilst his heart was still with me. He hit the wall after that…hard and eventually culminated his heart-break by getting drunk out of his mind and screaming at me that everything was my fault and that he hated me. I left town a couple of days later and moved in with my half-brother. I told myself that I would never go back home and until today I never have. I've lived my life, continued running my record label at least I have since I moved the headquarters down to Savannah to be near an old friend of mine. Actually not so much of an old friend but more of an old boyfriend. By the time I found him again he was with someone else and truthfully here it's probably for the best. They've been together now for twelve years and I don't think I've ever seen someone so happy as him.

So I talked about loneliness earlier and what did I mean? You see despite falling out with my old boyfriend and leaving town to be near my old friend I left the only other true friend I had ever had behind with no way of getting in touch with me. Although I have carved quite a successful career down in Savannah and this eventually led to her finding me again, by the time she did I'd changed so much that we just didn't work as friends anymore. So once again I'm alone. What's that you say? What about the old boyfriend I moved in near to? Yeah he's great and he's nearby but he's so wrapped up in his wife and three daughters that we've become little more than once or twice a week coffee and lunch buddies. My brother? He shipped out back to Iraq for one more tour of duty (he was a marine and a bloody good one) and never came home. My dad? He's still working away on his dredging projects around the world and we barely see each other for more than a couple of weeks a year at best. My other friends from school? We've just kinda drifted apart over the years. Sad I know but also just a fact of life for most people. I once used to say people always leave and I guess I was right wasn't I? Even someone with the kind of money I have now can be lonely, it aint a bad thing but it ain't exactly an easy thing either.

So why have I come home now I can hear you all thinking (clever aren't I?). I came home because I saw something in the New York post a couple of days ago and I had to return. Y'see a couple of days back I was sitting in my office idly reading the rest of the paper after I'd worked my way through the music section. I flicked through the literary section, just out of boredom I guess, and saw an article that made me choke on my non-fat latte. Yeah I know non-fat with my waist is kind of a waste but I like the flavour y'know. Anyways back to the article. Bestselling Author loses whole family in explosion. yeah it was my ex-love who'd lost everyone and even worse well for him anyways it wasn't just Lindsay who'd died (they must've gotten back together) but his kids and even worse, both for him and me, his mom. He literally had almost no one left and even though we hadn't spoken for almost eight years now I could still predict how he'd react. Anger. Pain. Denial. Drink himself into an early grave to try and join them. He always was slightly predictable. The article said it had been some kind of gas explosion at an old club called TRIC where they were having his sisters sweet sixteenth party. It talked of how he and his brother had been outside getting the presents in from their car and had burnt themselves badly trying to get back in to rescue their families. The article even mentioned when the funeral (well Karen's anyways) would be and I knew then that I had to go back for Karen's sake if for no one else's. Strangely the article said that Lindsay and his kids were being buried back in New York. Odd.

I called Jake and asked him if he'd seen the article as well and when he said he had I asked him if he wanted to go up for the funeral. I reckoned it would only be a one time thing. Y'know fly up, go to the funeral, stay a day or two at most and fly back. I guess I figured that as I'd been away for so long then no one would want me to stay long. Jake was ok with the idea of going up for a day or two and his wife said she'd look after the company for me for a few days. Sorry I forgot to mention that me and her work together, actually I see more of her outside of the office then I do of Jake and I've known him longer then I have her. Anyway you really shouldn't let me digress so much or this story will take forever. Focus people, I need it so keep me on track unless you want to spend the whole year sitting there. Now where was I? oh yeah I remember…the funeral.

Okay just let me digress here for a second. I know I said keep me focused but this little bit might clear up some confusion. I bet some of you out there are wondering at my sudden change of heart if I can put it that way. Why am I so keen to go up for a funeral of someone who I haven't even talked to for ten years. That's kind of hard to answer but I guess one of the reasons is Karen. She helped me so much over the years while I still lived in Tree Hill and I owe her an appearance at least. Another reason is I still care about Luke, he was my first true love and still despite all our difficulties holds a large slice of my heart. Thirdly I've been to enough funerals over the years that I know how to cope with them. Luke hasn't. Sure he went to Keith's a few years back but that killed him. I've had both my mom's, Keith's, Derek's a couple of other friends and sadly this has kind of meant I can cope well with funerals. Luke can't or at least he couldn't when I last saw him. And finally I think now I'm probably ready to reconnect with my old friends. I miss them. They were a big part of my growing up and I miss seeing them. It's taken a while and I reckon I'm ready for an attempt at some kind of reconciliation if you can call it that.

Jake and I booked a flight up for the day before the funeral and planned to fly back the day after reasoning that there would probably be some kind of wake afterwards and we really should show our faces. Plus he wanted to check in with his parents and I wanted to say hi to my moms, it'd been a while since I'd talked to them. Did I mention they're dead? The flight was like most flights are when you're taking them to something you're nervous about, long, boring and kinda nerve-racking. We'd hired a car together and booked into Tree Hill's only major hotel and as we arrived kinda early decided we'd take a wander about town and see what had changed before we headed over to Jakes mom's place for dinner. Kinda wish we hadn't done that as that walk brought us into contact with a couple of old friends Nate and Haley. And (surprise surprise) they weren't exactly happy to see me. Jake they were pretty cool with but me yeah there was a bit of tension there. Guess forgive and forget was kind of out of place at that moment huh? I wanted to ask them how Luke was doing but couldn't bring myself to say the words. Why not I hear you thinking? I did mention he was my major love didn't I? Thought so.

Haley and I talked uncomfortably for a while and Nate did his usual tactic, when he was angry and hurting, of throwing sarcastic and sniping comments in at the person he was angry with, me. After a short while of this when it became apparent that staying with them wasn't going to help matters much Jake and I said goodbye and headed over to his mom's. Now that particular meal was also kinda uncomfortable as Jake hadn't exactly told his mom who was coming with him and his mom immediately presumed (WRONGLY) that me and him were having some kind of affair behind his wife's back. Took us both a good half hour of talking to get out of that little misunderstanding. I reckon it was the annoyance of being thought a home-wrecker that made me head over to the cemetery after dinner instead of going as planned the next day after the funeral. I just needed to go somewhere where I wouldn't be immediately judged on sight.

I walked in and headed over towards my mom's grave and got a bit of a shock. There were fresh flowers there and the grass was neatly trimmed around it but the biggest shock was the blonde haired man kneeling down at my mom's headstone. It was Luke although why he was there I couldn't figure out.

I slipped behind a tree and listened (ok ok eavesdropped but rightly so, it was my moms grave but he looked like he was saying something important and I wasn't going to interrupt him) as he talked to mom. It was somehow reassuring to hear him talking to my mom as if she was his own. Guess he wasn't as broken up as I'd feared or at least he was handling things better than I thought he would. He knelt there for another ten minutes or so after I arrived before saying his goodbyes and standing up with his head bowed. Then he did something that truly surprised me. He called me over. Without turning his head he quietly said "Peyton. Stop hiding, I don't bite. Not today anyways. Bye Anna" and walked away over towards where Keith's grave lay without even turning his head. Somehow he'd known where I was hiding. Even more bizarre he'd called her Anna not Mrs Sawyer like he'd become friends with her. Strange.

I stepped out from behind my tree and watched as he knelt by Keith's grave before turning back to my mom's grave and sitting down. I talked with my mom for a few minutes but my eyes kept drifting over to where he sat by the other headstone and after a while I just stopped talking and watched him. When I saw him stand up and reach out to touch the headstone I quickly turned away and faced my mom's stone. It was funny. I actually felt like I was back in high school, watching the boy I'd fallen in love with but not wanting him to see me. I looked up under my eyelashes hoping to see him walking away only to see him staring over at me. Even at that distance I could see he looked like crap yet somehow still good. We held each others eyes for a few moments that felt like hours before he smiled and turned away, shoulders slumping as he walked off. What was that about I remember thinking as I said goodbye to mom and headed back to the hotel. After meeting Jake for a brief drink in the bar I headed up to bed my mind still churning after seeing Luke. It was stupid, I'd thought I was over him, totally past it and yet even after 10 years apart he could still make my head spin with a look.

The next morning Jake and I got dressed and after breakfast headed over to the church. You have no idea how much I wanted to take something from the mini-bar before I did. I know I said I can cope with funerals but suddenly I was real nervous. The two of us took a seat at the back of the church and watched as the coffin were carried in, followed by Luke and Lily. It was only as he passed closer to me this time that I could fully see the extent of the burns he'd received trying to save his family. Now I knew what I was looking for I could also see the extent of the injuries that Nate had as he slowly limped up to the lectern to say his peace. That boy sure had changed over the years as he actually managed to give quite a good speech finishing with a little poem that brought a tear to my eye.

"The tears I feel today, I'll wait to shed tomorrow.

Though I'll not sleep this night, Nor find surcease from sorrow.

My eyes must keep their sight, I dare not be tearblinded.

I must be free to talk, not choked with grief clearminded.

My eyes cannot betray, the anguish that I know.

Yes I'll keep my tears for later, though my grief will never go."

As Nate walked down from the lectern he met my eyes and despite letting me know how angry he'd felt the day before he still managed to nod politely at me. He really had changed I guess. Luke followed him up and Nate whispered something to him on the way past. I slumped down a little further in my seat trying to hide but before I could get out of sight his eyes caught mine and a ghost of a smile flickered across his face before he looked down at his speech.

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. That although she never actually said so was the rule my mom lived her life by. She taught so many people over the years to follow that philosophy through her café and by taking in waif's and strays. I'm sure some of you know or know of Brooke Davis and Peyton Sawyer and I know you all know Haley and Nathan. Well my mom was at some point or other over the years a surrogate mother to them all. She even became surrogate mom to Lindsay after we split up (HUH what did he say?) and made sure that Lindsay always felt included in our family. She told me once when I was a kid and we had some stupid argument about me being an only child that I wasn't. That I had a brother and three sisters and even if I was convinced that I was an only child she knew she was a mom of five. That was who she was. When Lindsay found out she was pregnant a few months after our failed wedding and got back in touch it was mom who helped me accept that although I was never going to marry Lindsay she was still going to be a big part of my life and she was. Even when a couple of years back we found out that the twins weren't mine (biologically anyway) she helped me forgive Lindsay and never treated the two kids any different because of that. You see my mom was all about forgiveness and she taught everyone we came into contact with that. Sure she had her faults but she never let go of her own beliefs. Karen Roe was a wonderful woman and anyone who knew her was lucky for that. Those people who she loved were luckier though because we got to share in her life. She gave me my little sister who sadly can't be here today as she's still in hospital. She gave me my values and brought me in contact with the people who I love. There can never be another person to replace her and although she's now gone I'm comforted to know that she's with her only major love, other than me of course, my uncle Keith. Somewhere I know she's watching me right now, probably chuckling at me for going on like this, holding a cup of coffee and laughing with Keith at all of us. So Mom, wherever you are, I…we are always going to miss you but we'll see you soon and I'll always try to remember the lessons you taught me…to always forgive before getting angry with someone, to always let those you love know how important they are in you life and lastly and most importantly to always use fresh filters when making the coffee. Now before we leave to bury my mom I'd like to ask anyone here today if they would like to say anything. I know some of you have good memories of my mom and I'm sure we'd all like to hear them.

"Another typical Lucas Scott speech. Heart-warming, loving and somehow humorous. Karen did a good job with him… mostly. What am I thinking? Luke and I are in the past. I'm here to show my respect and love for Karen. Nothing else. Wait what was that last bit?" I looked over at Jake and he nodded to say he wanted to say something, I reckoned I agreed with him and tried to think of something I could say. After Jake had gone up and said his piece I wanted to go up but I couldn't think of something to say so I just sat there as various people said their piece before we all trailed outside and watched Karen's coffin being lowered down into the ground.

As people began drifting away, heading back to Luke's house for the inevitable wake I found myself closer to the front of the group. After a while there were only five people standing there by the grave…Haley, Nathan, Myself, Jake and Lucas. Almost all of the old gang. Just Brooke missing. Actually I'd expected to see her here but I couldn't remember actually doing so. The five of us stood there for a few minutes, Nate shooting irritated glances at me and Haley worried ones between Luke and I. Nobody said anything. It was actually kind of nice, if a funeral can be nice. For the first time in years I felt wanted in a group for just who I was despite the angry looks Nate kept shooting me. Eventually Jake and I turned away and walked slowly out of the cemetery. We'd talked the day before on the flight up and come to the decision that we would pop in to the wake for a short while but not for long. It wasn't our place anymore and we did have an early flight out the next morning.

I stood against a wall at Luke's house watching as Jake chatted with a couple of the old guys from the river court about their respective families. It was strange, the last time I'd been in this house was to pour Luke into his bed the night he'd screamed at me whilst drunk and it hadn't changed all that much in the intervening years. I remember watching as Luke walked into the room, taking commiserations on one hand and comforting people with the other hand. I turned away slightly in the hope he wouldn't see me although I did still want to ask him why he had been at my mom's grave talking to her and using her first name. It didn't exactly work though as I turned directly towards Haley who looked at me sadly (a typical Haley look) and asked quietly "why did you leave Peyton? No, scratch that, I know why you left but why have you never got in contact over the years? Did you not think we'd miss you?"

I stood there dumbfounded looking at her for a few seconds before turning to walk away from a question I wasn't prepared to answer and walked straight into a brick wall with the most intense blue eyes I'd ever seen.

Wait a moment here. I know I said I was over him but any of you who've ever SEEN Lucas will agree with me here. He may be hitting thirty-something now but he still looks pretty good. And the thing with the eyes? Have you ever looked into them? Yeah? Then you know what I mean. Anyways where was I…Oh yeah walking into a brick wall!

I looked up into his eyes and panicked. It may've been ten years since we'd last seen each other, well at this kind of range anyways, but he still managed to knock me sideways. Guess I wasn't as over him as I thought I was huh? I can't've stood there for long before I could speak again but it felt like an eternity and yet like a millisecond. (Sorry I know that's confusing but hey I'm just telling it like it is here. You don't like it…don't listen!) I stammered out some kind of comforting comment and tried to beat a quick retreat. Just that few seconds looking up at him had thrown me totally. I had to get out of there before I said or did something REALLY stupid. Unfortunately Lucas had the same questions as Haley did and he followed me outside. I stood there on his back porch and lit up a cigarette (Don't judge me here…you walk into someone you thought you were over and realise that you're actually not and then talk to me) with shaky hands. Well actually I should say tried because just as I finally managed to get the lighter to work a hand came past my eyes and took the cigarette from my lips, lit it and placed it gently back. I looked up to see Lucas smiling at me as he retreated back a bit and lit up a cigarette of his own.

"It's been a while blondie. How've you been doing?" he drawled through a cloud of smoke. "Don't worry too much about Haley. She always treated Mom like a step-mom and she ain't dealing too well with this y'know." I looked askance at him as he said this, surprised to see him joking about losing his mom. What had happened to him, he never used to cope well with loss, why'd he changed? The sound of his voice dragged me out of my thoughts "Surprised I'm not falling apart as well huh? Thought you'd show up for mom's funeral and I'd be a wreck? I learnt to cope with things a few years back. I'm hurting yeah but I can't fall apart, Lils needs me right now. So do Hales and Nate. So, sorry to disappoint you Peyt, but I don't need you to pick me up off the floor." He smiled gently at me and threw his cigarette stub into a well-used plant-pot/ashtray as he turned to walk back inside the house.

It was only as he reached the door and put his hand on the handle that I managed to speak, "Is that why you think I'm back Luke? No. I'm here for Karen and no other reason (well it was mostly true) I'm only here for the day. I fly home tomorrow, back to my life. I mean it ain't like there's much left for me in this town anymore is it? Don't get me wrong I'm glad to hear you are coping well with your mom's death let alone the loss of your kids and your…whatever Lindsay was to you, but I stopped caring about how you feel the night you told me you hated me. I'll see you around Lucas, next time I swing through town…if I ever do again. Tell Nate to look me up if he wants though I'll understand if he doesn't. Again I'm sorry for your loss but goodbye Luke. Be well." After throwing all that out in the space of a few seconds I realised that I'd moved closer to him and not wanting him to get any wrong ideas I reached past him and pushed open the door entering the house and looking about for Jake. Spotting him I moved over and told him I was out of there, bless him he immediately put down his drink and came out after me. We headed back to the hotel in silence, Jake somehow knowing that I didn't want to talk about whatever had happened to me at Luke's house. After a sleepless night spent tossing and turning I met Jake for breakfast and we flew back home, him to his wife and kids and me to my empty apartment.

That was almost a month ago and since then I've settled back into my empty yet busy life like nothing had happened. I've had no contact with anyone from my former home and the strange thing is I actually am a little sad about that. I mean sure I spent ten years away from them all but seeing Nate and Hales reminded me why I loved them once. Just a shame they don't feel the same way or at least they don't seem able to put the past behind them and try again. Ok I know that's a little pot calling the kettle black there but stubborn pride is a little hard for anyone to get past, let alone a girl with the kind of deep-set issues I have.

I started off talking at the start of this little story about loneliness and I've come to a conclusion over the last month. What is it I hear you ask? Simply put it's this…Loneliness sucks alright but sometimes it's the only real answer to a problem without an answer. Thing is this isn't one of those times. I know there's still a lot of answers out there to be found if I want to look for them and I think I have to y'know. I want, no, need to know why Luke was talking to my mom like he knew her, I need to know where Luke is in his head because I can't believe he's really ok with how things are going. I guess going back to Tree Hill even for that one weekend showed me that I really am lonely and the only way I'm ever going to become un-lonely (new word I know but it sounds cool though don't-cha think?) is to check back into Tree Hill and see how things go. So I guess I'm moving back home Jenny I just thought you should know why I left. Tell your dad hi and explain things to him because I don't think he'll understand if I try to explain it to him myself, it took him long enough to understand why I had to go back for the funeral. Tell your mom that the company's hers for the next few months and I'm sorry for leaving this to her. And one last thing sweetheart, if you ever feel like you're lonely...step back, look at your life, find the place where you're happy and complete and move heaven and earth to get back there again. By the way if your dad or mom don't really believe you about this then show them this letter. My cell's going to be off for a few days so I'll be out of reach for a week or so.

See you soon

Love always,

Peyton.

A/N - Well there you go. If you enjoyed it or even if you didn't then you know what to do don't ya. For those who don't know heres a wee clue:- Look down the screen a bit then look at the little button that says review. Getting the hint? bye for now. Lee