BTVS: Tempted Isolation
Takes place in season 3, Buffy feels frustrated with her life in general so decides to isolate herself from the people she loved
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Note: I do not own the characters but everything else in my own imagination.
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Buffy signed deeply as she opened her bedroom door and walked in, the sun had set few hours ago over sunnydale allowing creatures of the dark to emerge from their hiding. She wasn't surprised of the ambush she encountered whilst out on patrol tonight that was the whole reason for the slayer to patrol wasn't it? To take out vampires who decided to have a midnight feast whilst wrecking havoc in her town. She strolled towards her window and peered outside, a wave of sadness overtook her and she closed her eyes, allowing the flow of emotions to fill her. Buffy looked up at the dark night sky, her thoughts trailing to what the people in Sunnydale would be doing at this hour, not everyone who lived on the mouth of hell here knew the dangers that prevailed around them or the shadows that lurked in the dark. Buffy wondered what would become of Sunnydale in a couple of years down the line, the thoughts of her future petrified her, what was she, the slayer supposed to do.
According to the watcher's dairies slayers hardly lived longer to have the luxury of life, to be able to love, have friends , get married and start a family. Still Buffy considered herself to be lucky that she had Willow, Xander, Giles, Oz, and Cordelia who have fought side to side with her for nearly three years, who were willing to risk their lives for her. Buffy smiled sadly and tossed her slayer bag to the corner. She had missed out one person, least but not last, Angel. As soon as his name came to mind Buffy felt a wave of guilt wash over her, Angel. A vampire in love with the slayer, how hard can it get. She had begun to accept that their relationship was doomed from the start, no matter how much they loved each other, and fate would never seal their love together. Angel was the only vampire with a soul, who knew how to love, he admitted to her several times that without his soul her was heartless, a cold blooded killer. Until the day he met Buffy that changed. On her seventeenth birthday they had made love causing Angel to lose his soul, a true moment of happiness transformed him into Angelus wrecking chaos in Sunnydale.
Buffy brushed aside the memories and changed into a satin nightdress; despite her urge to sleep she realized that tonight sleep wouldn't come to her easily. Her conscious mind prevented her from sleeping. She crawled into bed resting her head against the headboard. Her thoughts drifted through the events of the day, going to school, attending class, however she noticed that she hadn't spent much time with her friends today, she had went into the library before first period to make her presence known to Giles but after that she spent the day alone. Oh well, one two days wouldn't hurt, Giles expects me to check in everyday, how lame. Sigh again heavily her mind went to Angel; a deep sadness touched her heart sending a shiver down her spine. She had sent Angel to hell when he changed; she sacrificed her heart to save the world because as the saying went she was the slayer, one girl in the entire world to battle evil and ensure that good always had the upper hand. Sitting on her bed Buffy wondered what kind of person would do such a thing, was she selfish or heartless, the thought made her eyes well up with tears and before she fought for composure the tears ran down her cheek, she made no attempts to wipe them away. One kiss, one sword was all it took to send Angel to hell, she had kissed him passionately, fully aware that her heart was melting, but she had fought hard not to cry, because at that moment Angel was in her arms, confused at what was happening around him. He had trusted her when she told him to close her eyes, but she betrayed him, hurt him, he had returned to her several months later but as an animal. There was only one word to could think of to sum her up, traitor.
"Buffy"! At the sound of her name she jerked her head upwards. Angel stood at the window sill looking at her; she looked past him and saw that the window was slightly open. Tonight it frustrated her that he had come through the window, before she could reply she realized that her face was still wet with tears. Wiping her hand across her face she looked down at her hands clasped in her lap.
"What do you want" she said rather coldly.
His statement stunned him and he looked at her hard, he could see the tears in her eyes, the fragile-ness in her body.
"I came to see if you were ok, however taken by the sight I see that something's wrong." He paused for a moment before continuing "Want to tell me about it".
She was tired and in no mood for a conversation, she kept reminding herself that Angel always understood her. The same Angel you sent to the hell dimension remember, she looked up in alarm at the thought in her head. This was crazy; they were supposed to stay away from each other.
"What are you, my diary which I have to write everything in daily" she replied with sarcasm. She felt guilty for turning on him, but she didn't need his pity, before he could reply she put her head on her pillow and wrapped the duvet around herself, ignoring the fact that he was there. Angel was startled by her responses, he took a step toward her but not too close that they were close enough to touch.
"Buffy, I'm rather worried about you, you seem so withdrawn, did something happen today" He asked gently. He could see that he could no longer see her face as she had her back towards him.
She ignored him and concentrated on her breathing, a sudden panic overtook her images flashed before her mind Angel stood in the bronze, Buffy smiled and walked towards him reaching out her hand to touch him, as they walked towards each other, a tall , dark figured appeared behind Angel, Drusilla. With a sudden movement Drusilla pushed the stake into Angel's chest, Buffy watched with horror as Angel turned into dust. "No"! She screamed.
Buffy eyes widen "Angel", she quickly sat up in bed, panting hard, it seemed too real, but she saw Angel standing by her bedside. It wasn't a dream that much she knew. She felt her heart beginning to split with the love she held for him, she got out of bed and walked towards him until there bodies almost touched.
"Buffy" he whispered. She took another step until their bodies touched. His arms went around her waist and she looked up into his dark brown eyes, saw the love, the pain and the desire. She thirst for him as much as he thirst for her, she reached out her hand and stroked his cheek, tracing her finders along his jawbone and over his brow. She licked her lips and kissed him passionately and fiercely, like she had done when she had sent him to hell. Suddenly, Buffy drew back and panting hard, she gazed up at him before turning away to climb into bed.
A confused Angel turned to her and sat on her bed, obviously wanting an explanation.
"Buffy, what is it; you don't seem yourself "he asked
Buffy closed her eyes and said "Angel, just go home, I need to rest until I figure it out myself"
He wasn't going to take her bluntness anymore, in a sudden motion he grabbed her shoulders and turned her towards him.
" I'm not having this, you been like this for the last couple of days, what you really think that I wouldn't notice the change in you, something's wrong and I want to help".
She let out a rueful laugh " My Angel's come to my rescue again, how wonderful, you've no idea what your saying, I don't want to do this, I'm tired and tomorrow I have to go to school as usual, so don't stand here and tell me that I'm hiding some dark secret, just go away". A soft cry passed her lips and she struggled with her emotions. Angel knelt down towards her, pushing aside her covers.
"Buffy, I love you more than anything in this world" he traced his finger along her lips towards her throat finally making his way down her navel. She shivered at his touch. "If you're suffering then so am I, how can I rest not knowing that something might be wrong, or that you may be in pain".
With a sudden movement Buffy swung her leg and kicked him hard, sending him backwards. That wasn't her intention but her emotions were raw and she was fed up with him questioning her all the time. She buried her face in her pillow and wept silently. Slowly, Angel leaped out of the window and headed for the place he called home.
Sleep hardly claimed him especially during the night, his thoughts filled with anxiety for the slayer, the thought that she may be hurt or in trouble. Back at the mansion Angel paced in his living room, desperate to make a sense of tonight's event, was it because of him that she seemed so hurt? Buffy was one of the strongest slayer he had ever come across during his time as a vampire, she not only was beautiful but, smart, witty and his soul mate, she was his even if their destines did not intertwine, he had watched her before she had become the slayer, like any ordinary 16 year old Buffy was popular in LA until she discovered that she was the chosen one, when her first watcher died, Buffy and her mother moved to Sunnydale hoping to start again little did Buffy know that another extreme chapter of her life was about to begin, she could never escape her fate. He had followed her of course, enchanted by her beauty, her character. For months he tried to stay away from her, watching at a distance, never allowing himself to get too close. He was after all a vampire, cursed by the gypsies, at the beginning they had obstacles in their relationships until he lost his soul and became Angelus. He had spent months taunting and touring Buffy and her friends, enjoying the pleasure of watching her grief, of observing her weakness hoping that she would crack under the weight.
But tonight Angel wasn't so sure if Buffy forgave him completely, if she trusted him or herself. Was she blaming herself for everything that had happened? He felt rejected that she had literally pushed him out of her room. He had seen the tears and pain in those hazel eyes, desperately wanting to take it all away, but what was he supposed to do. She had refused his help; Buffy was a determined slayer…
Buffy strolled into the library the next morning, not feeling any better than she had the night before. She stopped in her tracks and saw Xander and Willow engrossed in a book, they hardly noticed her as she approached them silently.
Something big must be going down she thought. The thought of them together aroused a mild sadness in her, they were her best friends but there friendship couldn't last forever. In a couple of month's time, after graduation they would be going their separate ways, taking different paths through the confusing woods. There's no doubt that they would stick by her until she died, they had lives to lead, they were only young and like other seniors in Sunnydale high they were starting to apply to colleges. For Buffy her fate was sealed, there was no way she could lead a normal life. Someday she would walk into the library, and find it deserted, no Xander or Willow to crack jokes or lighten the mood. Giles would obviously be here as her watcher and as the school librarian. As for Angel, well she didn't want to think about their future together. Luckily, she may not have to think about their future if she died first.
Buffy shook the thoughts away and clapped her hands together to get their attention.
"Hey, guys what's with the books" she asked rather too cheerfully. Both Xander and Willow glanced up from what they were reading. For a second neither said anything, Buffy wondered if they were mad at her for something.
"Look what the wind blew in today, are you sure you're at the right stop, Buffy"
Xander couldn't help the sarcasm in his voice. For days he got the feeling that she was avoiding them, the number of minutes or hours she spent in the library with them had reduced rapidly.
Buffy blinked "What, of course I'm at the right stop; this is usually where I make my morning presence known before heading to class".
"That's not the kind of impression we've been getting." Willow asked
"You seemed bothered, distracted, we're your friends, is it us, I mean did we do something wrong, because I'd really like to know".
Buffy looked around for Giles, it was then that she saw him approaching her.
"Hey Giles, anything bad approaching, or is the hellmouth still dormant "she asked. Giles came towards her and pulled up a chair "I'm glad you're here Buffy, we've been rather concerned, and I'm assuming that you don't want to hear this but unfortunately you've been spending less time patrolling or here at the library. You do realize the importance of you reporting your patrol every night" Before he could lecture her any longer, Buffy slammed her hand down on the table, Willow and Xander glanced up at her rather surprised.
"It's not fair that all of a sudden everyone turns against me, I patrol every night making sure the undead stay undead. All of a sudden I'm the bad guy" she turned towards her friends "You know why I haven't dropped in lately, because I've had my reasons, I don't have to tell you everything". It won't matter anymore, because you won't be here forever she added silently.
"Buffy, you're so full of yourself" this time Xander spoke. "Always so right, if you have lives to lead, then so does everyone else, your no exception to the rest of Sunnydale.
"What are you on about" Buffy asked
Xander begun to feel the anger rising to the surface he stood up circling Buffy
"You think you can just chew us up and spit us out when you feel like it don't you, think we haven't noticed how you seem to cut us off from your life completely, you've changed so much that we can hardly recognise you". Anger splashed on his face. Buffy couldn't believe the scene portraying before her.
Giles nodded briefly "He's right Buffy, you have to let us in, to whatever is that's going on at the moment, your behaviour can have consequences if it's…."
Buffy cut him off "That's enough Giles, I'm sick and tired of your lectures, and all of you just pack it in, you have no idea, besides why should you care anyway"
Willow looked up in alarm "Your amnesia has made you forgotten that we're your friends, we care, why the hell shouldn't we. We will always be at your side, every step of the way".
"Forget it Will, you have lives, live, enjoy and then die, I'm nothing to you, never will be, you need to move on with your lives". Buffy looked around all of them, nothing mattered to her, she didn't see any point in this conversation it wouldn't lead anywhere.
"Is this about graduation" Giles asked softly.
Buffy stared at him, unsure how to answer his question, her mother had wanted Buffy to spare some time so that they could talk about college, her life and her future. According to Buffy, she had nothing, none of the options fitted her, and they were for someone who was normal not a freak. She had no plans, lived her life daily struggling to stay alive, there was nothing more to it.
"No, I… I've just been busy…" Buffy didn't think there was any truth in what she said but still, she didn't let it slip.
"With Angel" Xander asked. Buffy saw the anger in his eyes and she flared
"Why on earth would I be with Angel, you're just jealous, always have been"
"Buffy, you do realize that I disapprove of your relationship with him" Giles put in.
Buffy turned on him "What's your damage Giles, you've never liked him, neither of you did, but you're forgetting the fact that he saved your necks a dozen times"
"And you're forgetting the fact that he almost killed us, Miss Calendar's still dead isn't she, nobody's brought her to life, have they." Xander retorted.
"Or have you forgotten, Buffy"
For a minute Buffy was speechless, the tension between them had risen to a higher level than usual. She couldn't believe that they were turning against her all of a sudden. In a way she understood Giles's pain, his heartache of losing the one person he had loved, but she too had to make a huge sacrifice for all of them.
" Jenny had herself to blame, if it wasn't for her betrayal none of that would have happened , her jealous spite cost her life, don't you get it, if she hadn't cursed Angel with the whole 'true happiness thing', Angelus would never have been unleashed". Buffy could see that Giles had turned away from her; she knew that she hurt his feelings, but didn't care.
It was willow's turn to flare up, she walked over to Buffy and said "Jenny was a nice person, she never hurt anyone, and she certainly didn't deserve to die"
"Will, she was a traitor, she betrayed us. That woman had two sides to her." Buffy turned towards Giles. "If Angel was supposed to pay for what he did to her people, then what was I suppose to pay for, for falling in love with a vampire" Her voice broke.
"Answer me Giles; because I could sure do with some answers, I hated her for what she put me through". The library descended into silence neither of them making eye contact.
"You're the best at all you do Buffy and all you do is make people hate you, you were right I never liked Angel, you do relialize that your putting us at risk and the world by seeing him" Xander accused with a hint of jealously in his voice.
A sudden realization dawned on Buffy
"So this is about Angel then, it was never about 'Buffy why don't you come and hang with us'. Tears had started to form in her eyes, but she was determined to make them speak. "All those months, even when I returned from L.A there was this awkwardness between us, I hoped that it would evaporate cuz we all needed cooling off time. All those unspoken words are beginning to form now, so tell me what you think, put across your questions" she glared at all of them her eyes resting on her watcher.
"Buffy, it's hard for us to understand why you still want to be with Angel, you're taking risks. It's bound to be uncomfortable for us none of us have forgiven Angel yet" Giles said.
"Buffy," willow spoke up "when you killed Angelus, I restored his soul, however I didn't think it would truly work, there were side effects to that spell. I kind of believed that he was gone for good"
"The fact that it did work, doesn't that tell you a lot, he was meant to come back to me and he did, we're meant to be together" Buffy urged trying to make them understand.
Xander rolled his eyes "what a fairy tale, I voted back then that we stake him while you chained him up like an animal". Buffy punched him across the face; he stood his ground "what the hell's your problem"
"You are, for the last couple of days I haven't been with Angel, so don't assume we're together like a perfect couple, we've got serious issues". She took a deep breathe and continued "when I sent Angel to hell, I wanted to go with him; it was too much to deal with." A tear slid down her cheek " I left sunnydale because I couldn't face my problems, my mother knew the truth that I was the slayer. I chose the world, does that make me selfish? I loved Angel, try staking the person you love, and then come back to me and tell me how you feel."
She turned to Giles looking him in the eye, crying uncontrollably "Giles, when you buried Jenny, I knew that it was my fault, I nearly wished that I had died". Giles heart sank at the image of his slayer before him, broken, shattered, so lost and yet so alone in her mind.
"Buffy" he put a hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off. "I never blamed you for Jenny's death, and part of me believes that Angel isn't to blame either, Angel didn't kill her, and however the demon inside of him did".
Buffy wiped at her tears and said "well that's very reassuring Giles, thanks, I know it won't be easy to accept Angel, but can you at least try".
"You're asking for way to much, something neither of us can offer" Xander snorted at her remark, and Buffy looked at him, part of her wanting to tear out his heart.
"Xander, you've never made an effort, you don't know how to put effort into practice, so stay the hell out of my way".
Before anyone could speak, Buffy headed towards the double doors, wanting a way out.
"Buffy, you can run all you want but you can't hide" Xander called after her "The things you bury will always come back up to get you, and when it does it'll be all the hard to bear."
Buffy turned one last time, taking in the scene in front of her, willow was sitting on the couch, Giles was flicking through a book at the study table and Xander was flicking questions at her.
"We'll see, when it does you won't be around to witness any amusement". With that she turned and walked out of the double doors.
Buffy had decided to patrol Restfield cemetery before heading off home, a stake in hand she peered down at the graves someday I'll be in one of them, but not in this cemetery, anywhere but here she thought silently but then again I suppose you don't get much choice. Buffy had waited for nearly an hour hoping that some big ugly vampire would pop out wanting to be staked. However tonight it was awfully quite, a bit like the clam before the storm.
"Yo. Dead guys" she called out loudly. But still nothing
Tired of walking around, she sat on top of a gravestone, it's not like she was in a hurry or had errands to run, she could sit here all night and nobody would disturb her or judge. But then again her mother would be worried, sometimes Joyce stayed up at night waiting for her daughter to return home safely. Joyce had never gotton over Buffy runaway thing and even now things were still tense between the two. Someday I hope she'll understand and forgive me.
Looking into the darkness Buffy thought about the heated conversation she had in the library, it wasn't as if they were all in the right column or understood each other, part of her believed that the others still hadn't forgiven her for her selfishness her disloyalties to them, but it wouldn't matter anymore. She wasn't planning on sticking around after tonight. Before dawn she would leave Sunnydale, for L.A., a few days away could possibly allow her to see her situation in a different light, to enable her to clear her head. But then again maybe not. No matter how much Buffy desired things to be diverse destiny would always twirl her around her little finger.
Buffy was oblivious to the vampires that lurked in the shadows, when the three figures emerged out of the shadows Buffy glanced up, she could see them clearly now, two male vampires and a female vampire. Buffy jumped off her gravestone prepared to release some of the nervous energy built up inside her.
"About time, I began to think there wouldn't be any action tonight" she muttered walking towards the vampires. One male vampire was holding hands with the female, whilst the other male stood on his own. Buffy stopped and looked at the two, amazed.
"Glad to know love still exists in the underworld" she jumped in the air and kicked the single vampire in the neck, by now neither of the three had spoken a world.
"You guys mute or something, I've never come across vamps who didn't threaten the slayer with their big words" Once again the vampire kicked her in the abdomen sending her off balance; she got to her feet and brought the stake into his heart. Dust.
From the shadows Angel lurked watching Buffy intensively, he wasn't sure if she could sense his presence. He had followed her sent to the cemetery and watched her from a distance, incase she needed help. Watching the scene before his eyes he had a feeling that she could handle herself. He watched her every move.
Buffy turned towards the couple who had remained frozen to the spot, that's strange she thought usually vampires would lung themselves at her, but these two were definitely the odd couple.
"What are you love birds waiting for, honeymoon period. Cuz, I haven't got all night, so let's get his over and done with".
The mute and silent vamps began to circle her; Buffy kicked the male on the chin and whipped her arm into the female's chest. Both vamps stumbled backwards but quickly pulled themselves on their feet.
"Who wants to die first, take a pick" she mocked. She grabbed hold of the female vamps arm and swung her around "I'll spear you the anguish of watching your lover die" With a sudden movement she yanked the stake into the females' chest. Poof, dust. The male vampire screamed in despair, but Buffy didn't have time to sympathise with his loss. She gave him a roundhouse kick and pressed the stake in his chest. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Buffy thought sadly once in life, these two vampires must have been a couple, before their bodies were inhibited by demons.
Buffy brushed off the dust from her trousers before heading for home, she stopped in her track and whirled around, and she felt eyes watching her. She tightened her hand on the stake and waited.
Angel
He approached towards her, his eyes meeting her gaze.
"You know, a girl doesn't like being stalked" she told him.
"You need someone to help you, someone to watch your back" he told her sternly. "Don't you mean my neck?" she countered "what! You think you're the right person for the job. I can look after myself". She turned to walk away, there was nothing to say to him, and she'll be damned if she told him that she was leaving. He grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him "Angel" his name came out as a whisper.
"That's not what I've been hearing"
"What" Buffy was stunned? She figured that Giles must have informed Angel about her bizarre behaviour, but then again why would he. It wasn't his concern.
"Willow came to see me earlier, told me a lot about you actually, the avoid ness, the bad moods, the irritability. None of them understand you anymore, you need them in your life, and we are all part of your life." He paused for a moment allowing her to answer.
She struggled to pull away but he held on tight to her arm "Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do; I don't have a life for anyone to be part of. You think you can just tiptoe around me and criticize me for my behaviour. You've no idea." Her voice cracked and she looked down avoiding his eyes.
Finally she said "let go of me, your hurting me".
Angel saw the pleadness in her eyes, his heart ached for her, all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and make her pain go away, but he doubted she would want that.
"This is nothing compared to the pain you're causing yourself" For a second Buffy thought she saw tears in his eyes.
"Talk to me Buffy" he urged. After a while he let go of her arm, she took several steps backwards and rubbed her arm. For the first time in a week she realized the concern etched our Angel's face, his dark features troubled with his worry for her.
"If it bothers you so much then stay away from me, for a vampire as old as you it wouldn't be difficult to find company, company that consists of fun, and humour, and relaxation" She stopped herself and confused by what she had said, did it make any sense. Angel had many girlfriends in the past century or so, but he she knew very well that the way he loved her wasn't nothing compared to past flings.
He smiled slightly and raised his hand to brush her hair from her face "You're the best company anyone could hope for, nothings changed about the way I feel about you."
"You can't even say that you love me, because it would mean the end of the world". If only he knew how much her heart bled every time he said those three words. If only he knew how much she had wanted to die every time their lips met, every time he had touched her.
"You know that I do" he whispered softly.
Unable to handle standing in the cemetery Buffy wanted out.
"I – I have to go, my mom's probably going to be up".
"Buffy, there's another issue" he told her
"What's that" she asked. He looked at the ground before searching her face for answers.
"Your mother called Giles, telling him that you've been refusing to discuss college and your plans for graduation and every time she brought the topic up, well you avoided it, Joyce's quite worried to".
A stunned Buffy flinched at what she was hearing.
"What's there to discuss when you're obviously the slayer" she replied coldly.
"The chosen one doesn't live long to discuss future plans, a short life span remember" she reminded him. Her gaze travelled to the graves around her. Death would approach her soon; she hoped it would be quicker.
"Angel one day, you will be standing here with flowers in your hand just make sure they're roses ok, my favourite." With a sad smile she walked away towards the entrance. Angel didn't bother to follow her; he stood still allowing her features to bury in his mind, her scent to fill his nostrils. He headed towards Sunnydale library praying that Giles would be there.
For the last time Buffy glanced up at the clear night sky before entering through the front door, she was on edge after the conversation with Angel and really wasn't looking forward to her mother's ranting. Please be asleep mom
As she crossed the living room, she found the house empty maybe mom's asleep she thought with a relief. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, her eyes rested on a note on the table. She picked it up and read her mothers handwriting before tossing the note into a nearby bin. Joyce had gone to stay at friends and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Great, she's had enough of me already Buffy signed deeply, in a way she was glad that she wouldn't have to confront her mother about her phone call to Giles stating her concern. Buffy glanced at the clock on the mantle it read 9.47, she rested her eyes on the three digit numbers wondering what she ought to do, ice cream, shower and bed. With the three perfect combinations in mind Buffy headed for the freezer.
A horrified Angel gaped at Giles proposal "No, absolutely not, I will not betray Buffy". Angel had come to Giles in search for advice; at first he wasn't sure that Giles would feel at all comfortable of having him near him. However the concern on Angel's face made Giles realize that the vampire was dwelling on the same subject as him. For the eighth time, Giles paced the library making Angel slightly nervous.
"There is no element in betrayal in this, it's simple, I provide you with the syrup and you will inject it into Buffy's arm, there will be side effects to it, of course as always. But whilst the syrup is in her body she will become unconscious at once. I want you to take her back to your mansion and make her talk." Giles informed Angel. He wasn't so certain that his idea would work, but it was worth a try to save Buffy and bring her onto the right track.
Angel rested his arm on the counter listening to what Giles was saying; the thought of hurting Buffy sickened him.
"How can this be the only alternative, there's got to be some other way, Giles. Buffy would never forgive you or me for that matter". Giles stopped pacing and took a deep breathe, for the first time he looked into Angel's eyes.
"I can see the love for her in your eyes and well as the fear, if Buffy isn't open about her feelings this will destroy her. She spends more time isolated than with any of her friends. If the slayer is under pressure or distracted for that matter, you don't need to be reminded of the outcome."
"I'm still not on board of the whole idea of hurting her, she's been through a lot Giles" Angel pleaded. "If I do this she will be even more hurt, it worries me what she would do then". Since Angel had known Buffy he had seen her sides, he has seen her cry, her smile, her laugh. He watched her everyday, informed her of dangers that lurked in her path. But this was utter betrayal. Damn you Giles, he thought bitterly.
Giles walked into his office and returned with syrup in his hand, he opened the plastic container and took out a small needle consisting of green syrup. He handed it to Angel, for a second Angel hesitated before accepting it.
"I understand that you're nervous, but it's the only way, it was given to me by the watcher's council before I became the watcher, to only be used in severe circumstances. Previous watchers turned to this form when they believed that their slayers were having a burnout. I believe that know is the right time to use it on Buffy" Giles said reassuringly before turning back to a dusty book on the table.
"I hope to God this works, Giles" Angel whispered half turning towards the exit. Before Angel left through the double doors, Giles called out after him.
"Buffy's emotionally torn; you're the only one who can get through to her".
With one final look at Giles Angel walked out.
After a shower Buffy dressed into a half sleeved white T-shirt, feeling refreshed she climbed into bed and rested her head against the headboard. Tonight was her last night, tomorrow she would be in another city, the city of Angel's as she always thought of it as. With it's tall skyscrapers and nightlights, entertainment and many more. Sunnydale was no where near L.A.; she had lived in L.A before she moved to Sunnydale and experienced the difference immediately. Sunnydale was the mouth of hell, where demons and creatures of the dark emerged from, or were attracted to. Most of the time they would come in search for the slayer, not that they were ever successful, unlike the master she encountered, he had killed her. If it weren't for Xander and Angel who revived her she would still be dead. On the bright side it would have been for the best she thought miserably. It's not like I'm much of a use anyway, death would have ended my short life. She glanced at the duffel bag beside her bed she had packed earlier; tonight she would sleep as soon as the sun rose the next morning she would leave besides her mom couldn't be back until later that day. Her thoughts drifted off to the last time she had run away, how much despair she had caused everyone. It had only been a couple of 7-8 months; once again she was going to do it again. It's not like I'm going away for the summer, just a few days and then I'll be back to fulfil my duty.
Her eye lids closed and she dozed off.
Angel climbed silently through Buffy's bedroom window, she was sleeping. He almost turned to go when he remembered his reason for coming. She looked so peaceful her young features explicitly portrayed, he was used to watching her sleep, but standing beside her bed it seemed like a new experience. He looked down at her longingly I love you Buffy he thought.
He glanced around the room before resting his eyes on the duffel bag, suspiciously he tiptoed around and picked up the bag, it was a bit heavy; slowly he opened the zip careful not to wake her up. He peeped in and found some clothes, toiletries. Baffled, he stood up and looked at the sleeping slayer, why she would have these in her bag he thought oh God, she's planning on leaving, and that's why she's all packed. No matter what happens he wasn't going to let her go, not ever. He sat on her bed and looked down at her, when she was asleep she seemed fine, but she's not is she, like Giles said she's emotionally torn, reminded himself. He brushed away her hair and she stirred slightly, reaching into his pocket he took out the syrup and pulled back the covers bearing her arm. Buffy started to wake up, her eyes opened slightly and she squinted at him.
"Angel" she whispered. He held her warm hand in his, feeling guilt wash over him.
"I'm here Buffy" he squeezed her hand. She turned her head "I missed you so much, I missed you a lot" she said dazedly. Angel realized that she was waking up; he had to act now before it was too late. He held her arm down and injected the needle into her forearm. Buffy cried in alarm and jerked away he held her wrists down as she struggled beneath him.
"Buffy, stop, just stay still" he cried. She continued to moan as he refused to let go, within seconds she laid still, her eyes closed. He released the grip on her wrist and pulled her up into his arms, she lay lifeless, her heartbeat slowing.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered into her hair.
Buffy felt numb from head to toe as a sharp needle was pressed into her arm. Her concentration slowed, her head hurt. She had no idea where she was, the pain in her chest was severe, and it restricted her breathing. She struggled to move her hand but it ached, she felt a sudden pain in her wrists. She felt dizzy, her world seemed to spin, to her days had passed and she seemed to be stuck in darkness, alone, scared. Where are the others, where is everyone, I'm I dead she thought. Surely in death there wasn't so much pain, death was peaceful and tranquil, and there was no pain. Her body ached intensively, Buffy cried out into the darkness. Where am I she wondered? A familiar scent filled her, arousing her from a deep sleep, from the depths of despair.
Angel
Once Angel had carried Buffy back to the mansion, he had no choice but to chain her up, it would be easier if she didn't fight back and escape. He was reluctant at first but then put the chains on her. For half an hour she was unconscious, he sat down and watched her remorsefully, feeling his heart weigh down by her pain, he worried what effects the syrup had on her. He had called out to her but received no response, she had gone into a deep sleep, and he worried what he would tell her when she came around.
Buffy turned her head painfully and opened her eyes, her vision was blurry. The placed seemed familiar and a unique smell filled the room, the scent she was so familiar with over the years.
"Angel" she whispered. At the sound of his name, Angel stood up and walked towards her, careful not to get to close. He was speechless, unsure what to say.
"Where am I" she asked, her voice seemed at a distance. She looked around the familiar place, the place where she had been so many time, Angel's house. She looked down and saw that she was chained to the wall, her wrists were chained separately, and so were her ankles. A grief stricken Buffy turned to the man she ever loved, he had betrayed her.
"Why am I here, what is this, Angel answer me" she pleaded, trying to meet his gaze. He had her chained up but she didn't understand why, she didn't even remember how she got here the last thing she remembered was falling asleep.
"Buffy, I injected you with a syrup, and then I brought you here, it was Giles's idea" Angel confessed.
Buffy gazed at him shocked and horrified "You what". Before she could say anymore she burst into fits of coughs. Angel picked up a glass of water and came close holding it to her lips to drink, she shook her head in disgust "More poison's syrup, wasn't a single dose enough".
"It's water, please drink it" he urged.
"I don't want it, damn you Angel" she screamed in fury. Frustrated, Angel held open her mouth whilst she drank, the water seemed to moisture her mouth and she licked her lips. Angel turned away from her and sat down on the couch watching her as her head slouch from one side to another, she closed her eyes taking in a deep breath.
What have I done he thought miserably. Buffy opened her eyes and glared at him, her vision was blurry however she could see the outline of his figure.
After a moment she whispered. "Why," When he hesitated to answer. She raised her voice.
"Why are you doing this?"
Angel shook his head remorsefully. How could he possibly explain to her how concerned everyone was about her? How he was afraid of losing her.
"Buffy, you must understand that everyone was worried about your behaviour, I went to Giles for help and he suggested that I make you talk."
"By chaining me up, was that his idea or yours" she spat out.
"It was mine, I figured that way you wouldn't try to escape" he explained. A wave of emotion washed over Buffy, she felt dizzy as if the room was moving, struggling to calm herself. A sudden realization hit her and she looked up horrified.
"This was the same place wasn't it?" she asked, seeing the confusion on his face she continued.
"I chained you in the exact same spot, and now this is your payback" she yelled though clenched teeth. "How could you hurt me so much, after everything that's happened?" Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheek.
"I know you hate me, you have every right to be" she continued. Angel hurried off the couch and went to her.
"Buffy, this isn't payback I swear to you, and I don't hate you for sending me to hell, it was your duty, do you really think I enjoyed chaining you up." Despite his efforts to console her. Buffy pulled at her chain, her wrist ached and started to bleed, with all her effort she pulled harder feeling the pain overwhelm her.
"Stop! Stop it your hurting yourself" Angel shook her by the shoulders, he couldn't stand to see her like this, but she wasn't talking either.
"You have to let me go" she pleaded. She realized that she was leaving for L.A.; it wouldn't do her much good if she was held up,
"Why, you planning on going somewhere" he looked into her eyes, to figure out her intentions. When she didn't reply he enquired.
"You were going to take off again weren't you? Where were you going?
"A little trip too L.A, how did you know" she asked surprised
A little smile curved his lips "I know everything about you Buffy, everything, I know what's in your heart …" he touched her cheek gently "and what's in your soul". She ignored his last comments and turned her face away from him.
"Why did you wanted to leave, most of all not tell anyone"
Frustrated she looked at him "What's with the why questions, I just wanted to get away for a few days, publicity wasn't exactly on my agenda".
"How do you think everyone would have felt with you leaving, do you have any idea how much danger you could have put your friends in". He hated the idea of her leaving; even now he wasn't so sure why she wanted to leave Sunnydale.
" Its not like Xander and Willow can't look after themselves , they don't need the slayer to poke her head every time there's trouble, they can hold their own, they don't need me" she added. It was true, her friends have told her countless times to let them handle the situation, and they were brave and intelligent.
"Like hell they do" Angel barked. "Have you been keeping a tally of how many times you had to rescue them? Or how many times their lives were in danger. When the slayer decides to take off on a vacation in the middle of the year, it's a perfect opportunity for the undead to get activated"
Buffy blinked, completely taken aback at Angel's affection for her friends, yet they still despised him.
"I didn't suppose you did". For a moment her heart froze, Angel's words echoed over and over again in her mind, was she completely selfish, she didn't think for a second of what her friends would feel, or the effect she would have on all the people on her life.
Angel's voice interrupted her thoughts
"What about your mother, she wouldn't exactly be happy with you leaving again, would she". Buffy tried to defend herself
" It's not like I was going away for weeks, just few days until I sorted myself out" she admitted.
"I'd really like to know what's going on inside your head, because at the moment no one seems to understand you".
Buffy signed deeply, her mind was overwhelmed with emotions, with fear and with anxiety. Thinking back to Angel's words and her behaviour she begun to cry, everything was taking its toll on her, she didn't want be like this…
Angel watched her cry, watched as she poured her heart out, he understood her pain, he understood what it was like to be lost, like the slayer was, yet there was very little he could do. He put his arms around her to comfort her, felt the scent of blood from her wrist; with one hand he wiped away her tears.
"You say you love me, but at the same time you can hurt me so much" she sobbed.
"Sshh I do love you, more than anything; you are what keeps me from going insane" He whispered into her hair.
"Angel, I'm so sorry, I know I messed up, I know that I hurt you, but I so desperately wanted to leave, to get away from everything, to clear my head". She paused for a second before continuing.
"When I killed you, I left Sunnydale, you were gone, there was nothing left for me, none understood, and my mom knew my secret. That day I wanted to go with you"… her voice and she sobbed again.
Angel put his finger on her lips to prevent her from saying further
"Don't ever say that" he warned. He couldn't imagine a world without her, she had no idea how much she meant to him.
Buffy closed her eye, she felt exhausted but struggled to speak
"It's true, I love you Angel but I can't have you, it's never going to be easy for us. No matter how much we try things will never turn out the way we want it to be." Another tear spilt down her cheek.
"I can't imagine my life without you, when you're not with me I feel lonely, my heartaches, I know that you feel the same way."
He nodded in response, he knew very well, during the day he would sometimes wonder what she would be doing, or how she was.
Buffy continued as she put her emotions into words " I have nothing Angel, which is why I feel so empty" she confessed " nothing makes sense to me anymore, I fear that someday I will be left on my own to pick up the pieces". Another wave of exhaustion overtook her and she gasped. Angel eyed her with worry
"Buffy, are you ok" He touched her forehead, she was slightly burning up. Buffy gestured to her wrists "They're really hurting" she whispered weakly. For a while Buffy lost touch with reality Angel's voice became distance, she could no longer feel his touch on her body . Her throat hurt, her head spinned with every heartbeat, she begun to feel her chest tighten up, she felt as though she was being strangled. Then Angel's hands were cupping her cheek, she opened her eyes, and breathed heavily, something was wrong.
"Buffy, what's wrong" Angel asked, his voice filled with dread, she wasn't talking anymore.
Unable to reach her throat Buffy choked and coughed. "My chest really hurts, it feels on fire" she whispered. Angel lifted the glass of water to her lips and she took several sips. Once he placed the glass on the table, he reached out and unbuttoned the top buttons of her shirt. She shivered as his fingers trailed along her skin. As he unbuttoned the third button, he paused she looked into his dark eyes and saw the passion there,
She shook her head "No we can't" Ignoring her, he unbuttoned her shirt to the bottom, the temptation was too resisting. Her chest was exposed Angel absorbed in her beauty her richness.
"Where does it hurt" His voice was husky.
"Angel don't" she begged. Unable to stop him, he placed his hand over her chest and rubbed it with his hand, his fingers trailed down her throat to her navel, with one hand he touched her breasts the nipples hidden by the bra. He gently made his way from her stomach and laid his hand there feeling the warmth ness
Buffy glanced down as he positioned his hand on the flatness of her stomach
"You'll never be able to feel your baby kick inside me" It pained her to say this. But if she lived long enough she would want Angel's child in the future.
He glanced up at her, their emotions mixed with sadness
"Hey, don't worry we'll work it out" He touched her cheek and gently kissed her on the lips. She deserved so much more, more than he can give her. She didn't someone who can walk in the sunlight, someone to hold hands with, and someone to enjoy the sunshine in the summer. Someone who wasn't him. A cursed vampire with a soul.
" I wish I could give you everything, everything that you ever deserve, you deserve so much more than this, maybe you don't deserve me, you need…" she cut him off by nodding.
" I don't know how much truth there is in what you say, but I'm not going to get it all, not ever, so don't you dare tell me that I need a guy who breaths, I don't care about heart beat, Angel, I care about you." She said. He said nothing and she continued on.
"I want to die knowing that I loved you, that I felt safe and happy in someone's arms, with you I don't need to worry about you getting hurt, dusted maybe not physically hurt that is severe." Angel lifted his head and stared into her eyes, he could she her sadness her pain embedded their, so much for someone soo young to deal with. He moved away from her and walked to the far side of the room. Buffy winced as another pain shot through her wrist edging its way up to her shoulder and neck. Looking down at the metal chains she said "I probably deserve this, but do you think maybe you can ease up on these chains a little, my wrists are sore". For a second Angel stared at her hard, he didn't want to hurt her, more than is necessary so he lifted her right wrist out of the chain and held it in his hand, it was red and had cuts which were slowly healing. With one hand he massaged her wrist making his way up to her arm.
"Does this feel better" he asked gently. She nodded in response.
" Buffy I'm so sorry, I would never hurt you, I'm not asking for forgiveness" he confessed, he doubted that she would forgive him for what he did, there will always be a part of her that will loath him.
"Ok I'm a little hurt with your bizarre plan, but you've got nothing to be sorry for, I've been acting like a complete jerk, I pushed everyone away remember" Buffy had serious amends to make, there were a lot of people who were fed up with her behaviour, for now she had no idea how to fix her mess. She gazed at the room, the windows were covered by thick curtains to prevent the sunlight from entering, and she assumed that dawn would nearly be approaching, so it's back to her old life nothing had changed much. School, slaying, relationships it was all there in three different categories. However one thing was certain, school wasn't going to last much longer, few more months and another chapter of her life would begin, a chapter she dreaded meaning that her friends may not be with her. As if sensing her thoughts Angel cupped her chip tilting her head to face him.
"What are you thinking" he probed slightly. Over the last three years he had known Buffy very well, her reactions, her fear, her every move and sometimes even her thoughts.
"What" she whispered feeling a little dazed and on edge. What could she possibly say to him or to herself for that matter to make her feel better?
"I – nothing" she nodded her head. "I seriously need time out a vacation or something". Was it ever possible for her to runaway from her destiny after she had defeated the master and made a trip to the after life she had gone to visit her father in L.A for the summer, only to return to the mouth of hell once again and face the monsters and her responsibility?
"You know I'm thinking, if the master had succeeded in killing me, which he had done quite easily, and if Xander hadn't brought be back I would have been dead, maybe things would have been different, we wouldn't be here right now, you probably would be taking a Europe tour and I … I" she stopped realizing that he was squinting at her a frown on his face.
"Where is this coming from, it's very unlike you to revisit the past, besides you are one of the strongest person I've ever known, you defeated the master and he won't be coming back" he reassured her.
Buffy gazed across the room, hundreds of images flashed in her mind, summing up everything that occurred whilst she lived in Sunnydale death, pain, sorrow. A pang of guilt hit her and she swallowed hard covering her emotions. Angel unlocked her chains, a huge relief passed through her as she rubbed her wrists, held her as she sobbed her heart out.
"Angel, so many people died because of me, I am to blame, my friends nearly got killed, Kendra died because of me, I couldn't save her, I let myself fall in love with you and the consequences costed lives. Jenny died because of me, for a while Giles hated me, despised me because he loved her more than anything" she paused and looked into his eyes before continuing.
"Just like the way you love me, Giles loved her, I doubt he ever had a love life, him being the watcher and all, but he fell in love with Jenny immediately
and I… I took that away."
Angel had felt the sorrow, he knew what it was like to have someone you love taken away, Angelus probably didn't, but the vampire with the soul certainly did, felt it in his soul. Back in his days Angelus tortured women, killed children; he had killed Drusilla's family, everyone she had loved with a song in his heart, memorising his pleasures the fear on his victims faces.
Now standing with Buffy sobbing on his shoulders both fell to the floor he cradled her as she sobbed out her pain, her frustration. Planting a kiss on her lips he said "This isn't you fault, you never asked for this it was given to you someone so young and innocent, we both tried to keep our distances but unfortunate circumstances always drew us together, our passion kept us strong helped us live, as for Kendra you can't be everyplace and everywhere 24/7 you are after all human, Kendra was strong, she died a hero. As for Jenny..." his voice trailed off and a single tear slipped from his cheek, Buffy wiped it away. He remembered how he had strangled her with his bare hands, a gypsy who was undercover who had come to Sunnydale in desire for revenge. Her clan cursed Angel; a true moment of happiness caused him to revert back to the demon hidden within him.
"I killed her, took away Giles love, caused him to suffer, to be honest Giles isn't exactly high on forgiving me, I don't blame him"
"Angelus killed jenny, not you" Buffy corrected. When Angle was on a killing spree, tormenting everyone she loved, she kept reminding herself that he wasn't Angel, the man she had loved with all her heart. As if it would bring some comfort and peace to her heart and mind, knowing that he wasn't Angel. Seeing the remorse in his eyes, she knew that he regretted what he had done or the demon inside him which he hated.
"Angel, they will leave me soon" she blurted out. "After graduation they'll be gone, can't blame them they have lives, they have to move on"
"Maybe not right know, someday maybe, this town is too tempting they would want to stay, trust me when I say they won't be going anywhere." He reassured her.
Buffy asked the question she dreaded "what about you, Angel, are you thinking of sticking around". He stroked her cheek and stared into her eyes.
"I will always be here, with you, fighting side by side, I'll never leave."
Buffy shivered endeavouring to find comfort in his words.
"How can you promise me that when our lives are so unpredictable"?
Lie to her Angel thought, but decided against it, instead he said
"Buffy, even if I'm not here, or by your side no one else will be able to take my place. I will always be in you heart, just remember my words I would watch over you."
Buffy smiled and said "Like a guardian Angel".
He couldn't help but smile back "Very much like an angel"
She yawned and closed her eyes trying to find peace in his arms and to dream of beautiful things that lightened her mood and calmed her racing mind. A while later Angel looked down to a sleeping Buffy, a small smile crossed his mind, and despite the past his soul warmed as the only person he loved was curled up in his arms. If he was to die it would be for her, he would do anything for her. He understood her, the only one who could, in his time had had seen slayers, isolated, alone, burdened by the responsibility, no friends, no families, just a watcher and strict rules. Buffy was fortunate to have people around her who cared for her, friends; who would sacrifice their lives, a watcher who portrayed a father's love towards his slayer, Angel could deduce that by the way he smiled at her, the love and concern in his eyes for her. And a vampire in love with a slayer, who would have thought that one day Buffy Summers, would become his, truly his. She had once told him "Angel, I can't love anyone other than you, even if I tried, I'm afraid I would crumble". As Buffy's words replayed in his mind he brushed her hair away from her eyes and kissed her head lightly. Dawn was nearly approaching, she wouldn't get much sleep, and her nights were very, very long and tiring. He slipped his hand around her waist and rested his head on her bare chest he could hear her heartbeat, no matter what happened he would protect her.
The end
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