stuff your DM doesn't tell you

by ladyefriyeet

welcome to Faerûn, adventurer! beware these roads, for dragons lie ahead. and if you happen to stumble across a statue of a four-armed gargoyle, please leave it be. it's getting tired of having to scrub off the spiderwebs and bat guano and has eaten three adventurers already. and keep track of your d4's for your sake and everyone else's. they hurt. [wip, random updates]

1. Chapter 1

What Not To Do While Playing Dungeons and Dragons v. 5e

so I decided to compile this list of stuff after yet another...experience...with less experienced players. most of these are true, whilst others are thrown is as a precaution.

1. do not, under any circumstances, make fun of the bard's singing. even if it really is as bad as you claim.

2. don't call the bard a 'bird-honking menace to society.'

3. do not, under any circumstances, play lawful stupid. please.

4. do not let the narcoleptic gnome monk who thinks he is a human go off on his own in the Tomb of Annihilation.

5. do not give the narcoleptic gnome monk who thinks he is a human a bead of force.

6. in fact, take away the bead of force should they ever acquire one. or six. especially when they decide to build a mini toy soldier grenade with them, only to roll a 3 and fall asleep while operating said machine.

7. beware the DM when they start rolling dice for an unknown reason.

8. do not attempt to force-feed a philter of love to your crush's PC. Especially if they know you have a crush on them.

9. emphasized by the fact that your crush happens to be the DM's daughter.

10. do not attempt to blackmail the DM.

11. do not attempt to blackmail the strange man you met who happens to have gold eyes, face, skin, hair, hands, clothes, and sword. especially if you see scales.

12. actually, if you see a person with scales, leave them be. Fenthazu does not like visitors, especially visitors who reanimate her dead body to serve the PC as a zombie slave.

13. do not blackmail the lich at level 3.

14. do not sell the wizard's spellbook, no matter how bratty she is. it will bite you later. sometimes literally.

15. for that matter, don't imitate the wizard when she's casting her spells. especially when she has true polymorph prepared and the player is an artist.

16. do not kill Floon Blagmaar unless you have a really good DM.

17. do not kill the DM's favorite NPC.

18. do not insult the paladin's god in front of them. especially if you worship a god yourself.

19. do not assume that just because a creature is cute it must be perfectly harmless.

20. take the druid's word for a grain of sand when she says something is 'cute.'

21. do not piss off the thief, especially when you've been saving up to buy plate mail.

22. do not piss off the healer. they have long memories.

23. do not leave the bratty unconscious ranger outside the cave when you just fought a small pack of werewolves. they will blame their death on you and their next character will somehow remember your sins despite never being present at the situation.

24. do not attempt to help that grizzly bear get the beehive, even if the druid thinks it's cute.

25. do not pet the hellhounds.

26. do not stick your hand into a sphere of annihilation.

27. do not attempt to shove a stick up the dragon's a$$.

28. do not kill the chickens.

29. do not let the wizard with the fireball spell get drunk. if this occurs, go for the bartender first, because you never have enough gold to cover damages.

30. do not enter mysterious shops while in the City of Brass.

31. if you are playing the assassin, don't tell anyone of your plans.

34. if you hate the assassin and you happen to find out about the assassin's plans, don't share them to all of Faerûn. your party will never forgive you, and if they do, you'll end up dead either way.

35. do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are small and taste good with ketchup (i have this shirt actually)

and last but certainly not least

36. never, ever, give the pyromaniac barbarian a barrel of explosives because no one else wanted it.