Disclaimer: - It is not my intention at any point in time to lay claim to the rights or privileges of the owners of Ranma-chan, or his cohorts in crime. I am but a lowly fan fiction writer. Any attempt to sue me will be found to be futile, as I am very poor. If you would like to change that fact at any point in time, please, please, please; sell me rights to Ranma half for one cent US. Okay, back to reality, I suppose its back to the mines for me.
Please don't hunt me down, I couldn't resist this story. What with the world cup on at the moment. Someone had to do something like it. Don't get your hopes up this is a one off, and only covers the pre-game commentary.
World Cup Half - An oneshot about how the football world takes the addition of several of the NWC to their national teams, after all it's not the competition that counts but the winning. Lol. This was written and proof-read in under 2 hours so there may be problems with it, but I hope it at least gets a laugh. Please review this as it's my first serious, no scratch that, unserious attempt at a humour fic.
The camera pans to a desk with two over the hill footballers sitting behind it. Both wearing their BBC blazers, the only difference between them was that Steve Hijinks on the left had more wrinkles, both had grey hair and blue eyes. Alex jester throwing caution to the wind in an act of sheer defiance against BBC dictates was wearing day glo yellow socks. Unimportant facts, to be sure, to be sure.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, in what is without a doubt the most controversial World Cup of the decade, no make that the most controversial football matches of all time. We come down to this final match, China versus Japan."
"China have to date conceded no goals against all comers, the mighty Brazil has been reduced to watching from the sidelines as they went down to the strange new look Chinese national team. Several of the Chinese teams' usual suspects are conspicuously missing from the squad and have been replaced with people who have apparently never even watched a game of football let alone played the game. That doesn't seem to have made an impact on their World Cup aspirations. What's your take on the Chinese teams altered format Alex?"
"Well Steve, I remember when I first heard about it, I personally thought they were taking the proverbial, you know what I mean?"
"I do indeed Alex; I felt pretty much the same way."
"Well their opening game against Brazil certainly silenced the critics. After the game their new goalie refused to speak to the press, so all we can do is speculate as to where he came from."
"Yes in fact it would be true if I said the only thing known about him is his surname. No one on the team had intimated to the press that he even has a first name, not that it really matters, his last name will be on the lips of football fans for generations to come."
"That's right, oh and here comes the Chinese team, led on to the field by Tarou their new goalie. This is the man who without moving the entire match has saved more goals than all the other teams combined. I must say the use of a twenty foot tall minotaur for a goalie is an epic interpretation of the FIFA world cup rules, I haven't seen anything in them that states that a team cannot indeed use a mythical beast for a goalie, this has prompted Crete and several other nations to look into the possibility of finding their own mythical beings."
"That's right Alex, Crete are leading the hunt for their own Minotaur. Oooh no matter how often I see it, well it's still magical to me, and there you have it, one application of water and most of the goal is covered. Now his skills don't stop there folks, for those of you who missed the earlier matches, Tarou is one of the only goalies to score a goal during a match, in fact he's the only one to score with a throw, of course that goal was attributed to Wo Lon Fu as he was technically the recipient of the pass. The Chinese team officials have stated that Tarou has been asked to tone down his distribution or to aim specifically for the opposition goal. Several opposition goalies went on record as saying they were not reassured by the new guidelines. Wo Lon the Chinese central defender, in an uncharacteristic bout of aggression was heard to be on the lookout for an elephant gun, at least until the doctors informed him that the net burn he received from his goal attempt wouldn't scar him for life." Picture if you will a central defender being picked up by the ball and carried the length of the pitch to slam into the back of the net.
"Now on to the new look midfield. The layout for the Chinese team has been changed drastically in what's basically another first, with eight defenders, one midfielder and a striker. The amazing thing is that Herb in the midfield position is probably the greatest of all time, with his floating interception of any goal kicks he promptly hammers them towards Mu Tsu up front."
"That's right, but it comes at a price, he has a really fiery temper. Though only one opposition team member has made the mistake of calling him girly, and he promised never to do that again once the casts come off. Back to you Steve."
"Thanks Alex, in the striker position we have Mu Tsu the optically challenged Chinese master of 'Hidden weapons'. After the debacle of his debut match against Togo, in which Mu Tsu in a later statement to the press said was a 'reflexive act of self defence.'"
"Yes he also went on to say, 'If you'd ever been to Nerima and seen some of the weird martial arts I have then it wouldn't be so far fetched to you either.'"
"In an uncharacteristic show of solidarity several of the Japanese team were heard to say "Yeah, so there!" The Chinese officials apologised profusely and promised to replace the ball, they also stated that Mu Tsu spent the next two days disarming and currently is in possession of only weapons that can cause blunt instrument trauma, which I personally find very reassuring. After state funded laser eye surgery the Chinese team stated that even after the procedure the closer they can get him to the opposition goal the better, as in earlier games his goal attempts were as likely to score against his own team as the opposition before the inclusion of Tarou in the team."
The camera angle changes to the opposite change rooms.
"This is getting exciting Steve, here comes possibly the only team that could face the might of the Chinese team. They're led on to the field by another controversial goalie."
"That's right, as the only goalie ever to be sent off for blowing up his goal in a fit of depression. The translator tells us he was heard to be muttering "It's all Ranmas fault!" In a later press conference he also stated "Oh come on, it was only a little one." I'm unsure as to whether the FIFA officials found that reassuring or not. The Japanese team captain has stated that Ryoga is currently taking his anti-depressant medication faithfully, and there won't be a repeat of Ryogas explosive performance."
"Well that's good news to hear. Now onto the rest of the team, as a striker we have Ranma Saotome a proponent of the 'Anything goes' school of martial arts, his gutsy performance and good looks have assured him of a bright future in the football world. His agent, Nabiki Tendo in a press conference stated that sponsors should form a line. To be honest I think she scared me more than all of the rest of them put together."
"Nah, for me Alex, it was hearing that an Elder Kho Lon of the Chinese Amazons had offered to train the rest of the Chinese team. Chinese officials were heard to scream, "Run for it!" and "Help! Mommy!" Personally I find the old ghoul to be much more terrifying."
THONK!
"Ow, how the hell did you get in here?"
"Wouldn't you like to know sonny, but it's an ancient Amazon technique. I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Kho Lon left the commentary box cackling at her own joke.
"Hmmm, I see what you mean Steve; frankly I think she frightens me more now as well. Back to the final member of the Japanese team, the legendary Kunoichi Konatsu, who will be filling nine of the outfield positions with what we have been told, is a splitting of the body technique. That's something that's going to make commentary much more of a challenge as a commentator found in an earlier game. Here's a transcript of his attempt. 'Oh yes and what a lovely intercept by Konatsu, and with a quick forward pass to Konatsu who promptly crossed the ball to the opposite side where Konatsu dashed forward past the Spanish defence, and another cross, this time to Ranma Saotome(muttered under his breath.) thank god for that, oh bugger he passed it back to Konatsu," the commentator switched back to normal volume, "And he's passed the ball back to Konatsu who's slammed the ball into the top corner, and the goalie didn't even see it coming! That's 7-nil for the Japanese team in this match against Spain.' As you can see it's going to be a real challenge just to make heads or tails of this match."
"Yes indeed, it's quite a sight to behold nine Konatsu on the pitch at the same time. We have been assured by officials that Konatsu is indeed male, again there's nothing in the rules against being a cross-dresser."
"Hmmm, yep, but it sure upset a few fans to know that the girl they were ogling was actually a guy." Alex chuckled to himself.
"Now if I was asked what the actual real strength of the Japanese team was I'd have to say it's their communication skills. Never a missed pass, solid defence and midfield coverage."
"That's right Steve, the French coach whose team was knocked out of the comp in the second round said, 'Sacra Bleau! But of course they communicate well, most of the team is one bloody guy!'"
"A valid statement I'm sure, though some just think it's sour grapes, 'cos they got their asses handed to them by a three man team, and I use the term loosely, as with the application of water it all changes."
"Good call there. Ranma Saotome was heard to scream "I'm a guy, god-damnit", and a very cute guy he was indeed, while Ryogas only comment was 'Bweee bwee BWEEE!' which he later translated for us to mean "its all Ranmas fault.'"
"Personally I think the guys got a screw loose Alex."
"You might have a point there. Now play was only interrupted for a short time as they substituted yet another Kunoichi clone as goalie, and went on to win against a demoralised England side."
"Since when haven't the English team been demoralised? With press like they have to deal with it's not too surprising."
"That's about the extent of it; they should be red-carded for abusing their national team!"
The camera changes yet again to a view of the terraces just outside the commentator's box.
"Extra extra, read all about it! The British Press Association in a common move has filed suit against the commentators, Steve Hijinks and Alex Jester for their act to suppress the power of the press." A ten year old paper seller walked past the box waving the early-early edition of the 'Sun' newspaper over his head.
"Demoralising they maybe Alex, but you can't fault their speed, and twisting of a story."
"Right you are, Steve."
"Well there they are the officials are on the pitch, they've done all the flag exchanges, coin tosses and all that other 'We are all of the same world' crap, let's see some football. Eh-heh! Sorry about that folks, just a little pre-game nerves." He scratched the back of his neck in what some would recognise as an advanced Saotome foot in mouth technique.
Alex the trooper that he was just gave his partner a strange look and continued on. "This match has been billed as 'World War III' and possibly the end of civilisation as we know it all rolled into one. So as my erstwhile companion here stated, let's see some football."
PHHHweeeee!
Authors note: - for anyone who's interested, that was the whistle to start the game. You'll have to imagine the carnage as mine just failed me, but the flashes I did get while writing the above commentary were quite fun.