Two G's in a Pod
Chapter 1: Alive on Arrival
By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca
Will awoke with a start. Blue skies and faint wisps of cloud decorated his vision, shifting as his head lolled to the side dazedly, revealing a small grouping of evergreen trees. The shocked high-schooler struggled to his feet only to find himself lodged in the scraggily collection of twigs and dead plant matter which was a shrub. Will rolled sideways, earning cuts and scratches in the process, and hit the hard ground below with a grunt.
"God dammit..."
Yellow and brown grass clutched feebly onto the fibers of Will's shirt, falling away as he struggled to his feet, head throbbing angrily and body aching. A freezing gust of wind blew across the area and, noticing a quiet bubbling, Will discovered a small stream trickling nearby, carving a path through the firm soil. Mountains could be seen in the distance, a snowy valley separating the lone human from the monuments of rock and stone.
Something was evidently wrong, but Will, drawing a blank, was unable to come up with an appropriate answer as to just what had happened. Surely he must have hit his head, but how did he end up here? Shrugging the feeling off and focusing on sheltering himself from the gusts of wind, Will ducked his head, pulling his Adidas blazer around himself, and stepped into the relative shelter of the nearby trees.
Pine needles, small bits of dead plant matter, and the smell of evergreen filled the small area. Evening light burst through the many holes and openings ahead and Will continued onward, intent on finding his way out of the predicament. The temperature was uncomfortable to say the least and the thin blazer did little to stop the elements from taking their toll on Will. He shivered and pushed through a sheaf of branches and green pine needles before stepping into the open, valley behind him.
More mountains greeted him, this time much closer than expected. Will squinted up at the silhouettes of jagged peaks and ledges, all darkened by the amber of a setting sun. The sudden thought of being stuck in a mountain range with no way out forced Will onwards, if somewhat uneasily. Patches of snow, fresh by the look of it, lay underfoot and sneakers crushed the thin layers of ice plastered over dirt.
A sudden drop forced Will to step back and he stared down at the carved angles of a quarry. It was spread out before him like an arena, paths cut into the stone to allow workers in and out. First appearances aside, Will discovered that the quarry was split into two parts, a thin canyon between the current area and the next, reminding Will of a dumbbell.
It took a few seconds, but soon the confused student was sliding down the incline and, after a flurry of dust and cold wind, Will arrived at the bottom. Blocks of stone lay about as if a giant had taken them out to play, but had forgotten to put them back, and judging by the look of the place, it hadn't been in operation for a while.
Will muttered under his breath "Well, thats great. Middle of fuckin' nowhere."
The howling of wind laughed at him and he brushed himself off before making his way past several rusted pickaxes and making the short walk into the path connecting the two quarries. Shadows danced off the chiseled walls and the wind seemed to scream in the narrow confines, causing Will to duck his head against the invisible gusts, sending his brown hair whipping around.
Soon he emerged from the impromptu wind tunnel and looked around in relief, but froze in place as his eyes drifted over the new area. A car, or what was once car, lay crumpled nearby, windows smashed and tires burst. A man appeared from the driver's side, nursing his arm in the process.
"Don?"
There was nothing happening for a few minutes within the partially destroyed car, until someone started to stir into wakefulness. His head, while undamaged with the exception for a few cuts, lied against the steering wheel. Arms, one embedded with pieces of glass, hung limply and the encumbered legs opened until they met their respective barriers on both sides of the seat. Slowly, they closed, the arms pulled in, and the head moving back to the rest above the seat. He was now awake, but wished he hadn't been.
The young man groaned and attempted to rub his forearm, only for it to send a shooting sting to his brain. He gasped loudly and yanked his hand away before opening his eyes to see the damage that had been beset upon him. It was obvious that he was still in his car, but the vehicle seemed to have lost all will to live with the state it was in. The windshield was completely broken in, as was every other window, and a massive dent left the front of the car a foot or two inward. The door on the right was torn off and other than the glass and other debris littering the inside, everything seemed fine.
"My car, man… just imagine what the damn insurance agent is going to say…"
The young man checked his rearview and examined what was seen. Light-brown eyes stared back at him, and above that, dirty-blonde hair that was in serious need of a comb. He flexed his eyebrows playfully before wincing at the pain stabbing at his arm. Donathen, usually Don, grabbed the seat next to him and pushed it forward, giving him the room to reach the seat divider in the back. After doing so, he leaned in and pulled open the compartment leading into the trunk, where he pulled out a first-aid kit he kept for any occasion.
'Never thought I'd ever use this shit…'
Don pulled out tweezers and carefully began operating (as much as a medically-inept college student actually could). The Styrofoam coffee cup nearby had long been spilled of its contents, as shown by the stain nearby, but it found a new purpose as he dumped each little shard of glass within it. The task was arduous and painful, but it was eventually completed, giving him a bleeding right arm that had next to no feeling other than pain in it.
Alcohol pads ran up and down his arm, and he bit on his lip, wanting to curse loudly for everyone to hear. The rest of the process was fairly easy and he soon had it all bandaged up, stitches not being needed for such small wounds. Still, the pain was still fresh and searing, so he grabbed for whatever pain alleviator was in the kit.
Don held up a small, plastic packet, '… Advil..? What's that supposed to do for me?'
The pill-pack was thrown over his shoulder in disappointment, forcing him to reach a hand to the glove compartment and unlock it. Several "items" fell out, but he only took a small prescription bottle full of round, white pills. Most of the items weren't even his, but the real owner wouldn't mind him borrowing anything. Don chuckled to himself, swallowed a pill, pocketed the bottle, and stuffed the rest of the items back in the compartment. His left hand ran over his other arm, losing himself in the thought of what had happened until he heard a familiar voice.
"Don?"
Don lifted his head abruptly and stared at the man a few meters away, "The hell? Who is you?"
Will spoke, shielding his eyes from the setting sun, "It's Will, man."
"How the hell did you get here? You stalking me? Get out of here, stalker."
"I barely even played that game. How the fuck did you get your car all the way down here?"
Don attempted to open the door, only for it to fall off its hinges and crash to the floor. He twisted his body and let his legs out of the car, "I don't even know. Man, this is going to make my insurance a serious pain in the ass."
Will stepped around the obliterated hood and offered his hand to the bleeding Don, "Dude, your arm is fucked, your car is fucked."
"Eh, for serious? Could've fooled me. I better get rid of some of the shit in here before I call those bloodsuckers."
There was a brief laugh from Will, "Always with the sarcasm." There was a pause as he glanced about, "Ain't no fuckin' service out here."
"Hey," Don said as he was helped up by his friend, "get anything suspicious that you see in the glove and stick it in a bag or something, ight? I gotta check the damage at the trunk and get rid of some stuff." He then began to walk around, leaving Will to his business.
Will nodded and waved absently before seating himself in the car. Bits of broken glass dug into him and he cursed, wiping the seat off before reaching over to the glovebox and popping it open.
"Fuck, man. Contraband all over the fucking place."
Marijuana, pills, and a .38 snub nose lay scattered inside the small space and Will removed the small six-shooter gently, setting it down on his thigh. Out came the baggy of weed and pill bottle next and Will, looking around for a container of some sort, called out to Don.
"Yo! You got a bag or some shit back there? I got nothing up here."
Don lifted his head from the trunk, hitting his head in the process, "FUCK!" He rubbed it tenderly and tossed Will a black plastic bag, "Yeah, knock yourself out."
Catching the bag was easy enough and Will dumped the items into it, cursing as the occasional shard of glass bit into him.
"Fucking glass."
The aforementioned material cracked underfoot as Will stepped out of what had once been a coupe, wrapping the bag tightly in the process. His eyes traveled along the ridges of the quarry, finding nothing but dust and tumbleweeds.
His voice seemed quiet in the vast expanse of rock and dust, "Don, where the hell could we be?"
Heading back to the trunk, the person in question began to sort out all of the items there were. Nothing that could get him in trouble was around, thankfully, and only his emergency supplies were scattered about. Despite being for emergencies, there were quite a few boxes lying about, each with different things he assumed he'd need in any given situation. Some clothing, canned food (he despised that stuff), water, medical supplies, and a few basic tools in case he needed them. Taking note of everything, he finally pulled out what he just noticed.
"Huh. Maybe I can..."
Don accidentally launched a flare into the sky, startling both of them and making a loud bang.
"Not sure," he said, rubbing his ears, "but someone's bound to find us. Hell, I'm surprised you're even anywhere near me right now."
Will jumped, "Jesus!" He watched as the flare crested into the sky, "Well, that oughta attract attention."
"Hell yeah. Now, stash that stuff somewhere."
Will waved his hand again, "Yeah, yeah." He slipped the bag under his jacket and lodged it between his belt and stomach "That'll do for now." He shifted, "Damn uncomfortable though."
Don rummaged further for a bit longer and gave up, finding nothing that could incriminate him of a crime. Lucky for him. He put away the flare gun and took out his Blackberry, checking for service.
"Nothing. We're going to die."
"Great. What now?"
"Wait and die?"
Will laughed, "Always the optimist. We could start by climbing out of this hole."
"Yeah, I guess we should. Better grab some stuff and find the closest town." He stopped and thought for a moment, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be a few hundred miles north of here?"
"Very funny." Will looked over the supplies "We can't carry all of this shit. We don't even know where the nearest town is. The fuck are we doing here anyway?"
"Beats me." Don grabbed his backpack and dumped the contents back into the trunk. He grabbed a book that fell out, opened to a random page, and began reading, "Despite differences, both state and federal courts are more apt to manage the pretrial discovery and settlement process more proactively. Althou-" He threw it back into the backpack, "Fuck that."
Will watched the book vanish into the bag, "Hey man, you wanted to take the summer courses."
"God, what a pain in the ass..." Don grabbed some canned food, water, and other things he would need for the walk. He reached into the clothing box and grabbed a thick jacket, "You cold?"
"Yeah. Goddam Cameroonian jackets."
The older man laughed, "Oh hell yeah, DipSet!" Don threw him a jacket and procured one for himself. "Don't worry," Don pulled out an industrial flashlight from the trunk, "we're good, I think."
A beam of yellow light shot from the flashlight, blinding Will, "Get that shit outta my face."
Don aimed it away and towards the edge of the quarry, "Let's go, then?"
Another gust of freezing wind swept the quarry and Will nodded, "Lead the way."
They began walking along the dirt, "So, how'd you end up in what I'm hoping is Jersey?"
Will looked surprised, "Jersey? I'm hoping Alberta." The beam of the flashlight broke over the rocks as Will fought to remember, "I don't really know. Shit is really fucked right now."
"I think I'm starting to rememb-" His face turned sour, "Well fuck."
"Well, this great. I wake up in a bush with no memory and we might as well be in the goddam Zone." Slight nervousness was beginning to creep into Will's voice.
"I'm more pissed with how I ended up here." Don muttered, "Let's see... Party, bathroom, weave, cleaning, my boy telling me to do something... Then I was driving to stop my other boy from dying in a drunken crash... What else..? Ah. I'm pretty sure I got merced by a truck after some jackass nearly hit me."
"Weave? I know nothing of it." Will shoved his hands into his pocket and began to climb the nearest path, "Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter in the end. We're the victims, we didn't do shit, right? People will be pumped to see us alive and well."
"Except for the guy that nearly killed me. His ass is going to get sued to hell and back once I get my hands on him." Don began scaling the edge of the quarry, "Seriously, what the fuck was that? Who hits a nigga like that? I wouldn't."
Will, climbing the incline with his friend, laughed, "What if he was driving to save his boy from dying in a drunken crash?"
He snorted in response, "Screw him, I'm more important than any friend of his. More important than his mom."
"Hey man, don't bring his mother into this." Will added with mirth as he reached the top of the quarry, reaching back to help the injured Don, "How's the arm?"
"Hurts. Probably shouldn't be doing this, but I'm half-invincible, so yeah, I'm really fucking cool and it doesn't hurt. Still hurts, though."
Will nodded, most of his attention on the forest ahead of them. The duo had climbed the side opposite to where Will had come from. Suddenly, a thought struck the younger man, "Hey, if you got hit by a truck, where's the damn road?"
"Huh. Didn't think about that. Maybe we've entered through a tear in the Noosphere and ended up somewhere else."
"Damn. If only. That'd be a badass part to add to this already badass story." Will pointed at the forest, "Should we go in there or..." His finger swept sideways and towards a grassier area, leading up to the mountains, "...there?"
"I'm not climbing a mountain with a cut up arm. Let's check the forest and see if there's anything on the other side." Don looked deeper into the forest and directed his light into it, "Agreed?"
Creepy branches and trunks looked back at the two and Will nodded hesitantly "Alright. If we get lost in there though, it won't be a fun time for either of us."
"Don't worry," Don puffed his chest, "I'll defend you from any rapists."
"Fuck off. Rapists in a forest, real likely."
Don began walking, "Well, enjoy meeting them as I walk away and become a hero on the news for surviving such a tragic accident."
Will followed, "And lose your piff? I hardly think so. Besides, we both know that they'd go for you first."
"With this incredibly sexy body? Highly likely. But!" He stopped and turned now that they were in the thick of the forest, "I still got this to defend myself!" Don pulled out the flaregun from his backpack and began fiddling with it, "How the- What the fuck do you-"
Something reached Will's ears and he put a hand against Don's chest "Quiet man! You fucking hear that?"
Don fell silent and the two listened as the sound of growling grew progressively louder. Will's face drained of color and Don scrabbled with the flashlight, sending scattered beams of light around the forest.
"Fuck man, fuck!" Will's voice came in hissed whispers as he spun around in search of where the noise was originating from.
Don calmed down and shrugged, "It's probably a dog, dawg! Now shut up and let me work this shi-"
A flare was suddenly launched from the gun and flew through a bush. A massive fire was ignited as some type of creature roared and screamed in agony as it was lit up like an oil barrel. It thrashed around, trying to find something to put out the fire that caused it so much pain and misery, but it found no such thing. In only a few moments, as both of them watched, it fell to the floor in a black heap of burnt fur and meat.
Don looked at the flaregun, "... Huh. So that's how it works..."
Will gripped both sides of his head, "Sweet fuckin' Jesus! You just iced a fucking bear or some shit!"
"Oh no…" Don motioned to further into the forest, "Park cops! Going to catch and jail us for this shit!"
"Ain't no fuckin' park authorities here! Oh shit, oh shit!"
"Let's leave! Now!"
So they ran off, getting away from the charred body of the creature they accidentally set on fire. And the world kept turning.
Stillmatic
Hah, I never thought I'd see the day I'd make a self-insert, let alone one with another author. Ah yes, the shit me and Will come up with. If it isn't obvious, my name's Don, as shown here. The reason I ended up there is actually based on real-life events. Yup, one of my boys drove away from a party drunk, I chased after, and nearly got turned into tomato paste by a truck as a result. Did I actually get hit? Thankfully, no. My mad steering skillz saved my dumbass self before it happened. Just, please, don't bring up the part about the weave. I still get nightmares about that. The illegal shit in my car is actually there in the glove right now, and because the cops can't check shit because it's locked and they'd need a warrant, I have no fear! Reasons as to why it's there? I let one of my boys borrow my car every now and then, and he leaves shit behind because he's an ass.
Anyway, there'll be an update to Stasis soon, if that's what you're wondering. This is just something to change the pace and get back into the flow alongside Will. Well, that's all I got to say for now.
As Always,
Stay Trilla.
Lucius Seneca
So here we are. The end of the downward spiral, inevitably leading into a self insert of terrible proportions. Don and Will, stuck in Equestria, shit will be cray. If anyone didn't already know, that's my name: Will.
Anyway, I ain't got much to say. Enjoy this shit.
P.S.A.- Public Service Announcement
[1:32:15 AM] Stillmatic: That's the icicle one
[1:32:20 AM] Will: We need some mining characters
[1:32:23 AM] Stillmatic: Stalagmite is the up
[1:32:35 AM] Stillmatic: Rocky Road?
[1:32:53 AM] Will: Thats ice cream, Chunk.
[1:33:05 AM] Stillmatic: ITS THE STIFF
[1:33:11 AM] Stillmatic: HE'S GOT A STIFF
[1:33:14 AM] Stillmatic: SHOOT HIM
[1:33:21 AM] Will: YOU GUYS, IM LOCKED IN HERE WITH THE STIFF
[1:33:22 AM] Stillmatic: Oh mongoose
[1:33:39 AM] Stillmatic: IM LOCKED IN HERE WITH THE STIFF AND HES GOT A STIFF
[1:33:49 AM] Stillmatic: Oh wait, that's a Baby Ruth
[1:33:53 AM] Will: AND ITS POKING MY STIFF
[1:33:54 AM] Stillmatic: False alarm guys