June 21, 2012

©Masashi Kishimoto; Naruto

Expectations

They always expected him to be the same as his brother. To be some magnificent idol that'd be able to do anything. Because, that is what his brother was after all. So, he tried to be what they wanted. He was only a kid after all; he didn't know that he didn't have to satisfy their expectations until it was too late.

When his father was teaching Itachi the fireball technique, he remembers being mesmerized by the giant flaming orb. He wanted to produce something as large as that too. But Itachi was able to master the technique so fast; Sasuke thought that perhaps it was because the technique was easy that he was able to create it with such ease? But when his turn came for his expectant father to teach him, not even a puff of smoke came out of his lungs. But…That didn't make sense. Itachi was able to do it without any effort, why couldn't he?

And so he tried again. The second time didn't produce a flame either. Nor did the third time. And, by the his fifth try Fugaku had tried to convince Sasuke that his patience wasn't wearing out but that it was getting dark outside and that they should go back home for dinner. Sasuke believed him that time.

The second training session with his father was nearly the same as his first time. Except this time he was able to form a spontaneous spark of a fireball that threw sparks in all directions. The sparks were just enough to make his father step back and smack Sasuke's back to get him to release the technique. Sasuke as stumbled forward nearly off the edge of the dock before being able to balance himself and land on his butt. Wincing Sasuke had turned around to scold his father for cutting off his technique but before he could yell at his father he heard Fugaku's familiar deep and irritated sigh.

"Why aren't you like your brother?" Sasuke's little heart stopped for a second. The look of disappointment was the same as all the other times when he couldn't match Itachi's standards. But Itachi's standards were always…too high.

Fugaku turned on his heel then and headed home with a grunt, leaving a bewildered boy behind.

During his third session of trying out the new technique Sasuke was alone. His father had told him that he didn't want to go outside with him. By now Sasuke had figured out that Fugaku must've thought that Sasuke was a lost cause and had stopped caring to train him. Aside from his father, Itachi was busy on a mission; thus, left him to be on his own. By this time he was able to form a small fireball that, since it was so small, hovered just in front of his lips and left little burns across his cheeks where sparks nipped. His hands were blistered from the heat of the fire and tired of repeatedly practicing the sequence of seals, even when he was at home, and his legs were stiff from standing in one spot for so long.

He wanted to be like his fabulous brother. Everybody liked him and Itachi was strong too. Sasuke wanted to be like him…

It was dark when Sasuke decided to give up for the day. No one had come out to fetch him and he knew that if he came home then he'd be scolded for staying out too late and skipping dinner. But he didn't mind. The technique was almost mastered.

Almost.

His small frame, depleted of nearly all his strength, had shakily seated itself at the edge of the dock that he was practicing on and he starred dazedly out at the lake. He didn't understand. Why couldn't he get the fireball as big as Itachi's? And, why couldn't he master the technique as quickly as his father had thought he would?

Sasuke thought for a second that maybe it was his fault. Maybe he wasn't trying as much as he thought he was? Maybe because just seeing an example of it isn't enough to go off of for him? Maybe it was because he wasn't as smart as he thought he was so he couldn't do it as well? Maybe…

He shook it off enough to decide that he needed to go home.

When Sasuke got home, Itachi had yet to arrive and Fugaku had left for a clan meeting. His mother was scolding him for not only staying out late and missing dinner, but also for worrying her and coming back home with a bunch of burns scattering his face and hands. All he could do was stand in the doorway and give a not-so-sorry child form of an apology. She quickly dismissed it and dragged him into the kitchen where she sat him down and quickly pulled out a roll of bandages and ointment for his wounds. It wasn't until he realized how slow and carefully his mother was wrapping his arms that his thoughts strayed to rising up to the perfection of his brother that they expected him to be.

"Mother, how come I can't do anything like Itachi can?" Sasuke wasn't sure if it came out the way that he meant it. It was a complex question that was hard to word and Sasuke was hoping that his mother understood because he wasn't sure if he'd be able to word it any differently.

His mother paused for a minute to look at him, examining his face for any signs of other emotions and questions before giving him a softly smile. A bit of a sad smile, Sasuke noted.

"Why do you ask?" She went back to looking at his arms so make sure she didn't mess up the bandages.

"Because—" Sasuke faltered, "because, Itachi does everything so easily and for me it's hard. Everything is hard. But for him it's easy." He wasn't sure where he was going with this anymore. His thoughts was scrambled and too much for a child his age to be able to formally put out. "Because Itachi can do everything. Lots of people like him and he's strong! And, he can do everything. But I can't do everything, and father wants me to be like Itachi. Everyone wants to see if I'm like Itachi because everyone likes Itachi because he can do everything and," Sasuke's mind was looping but he didn't realize it, "and I can't do everything like him. Mother, why can't I do anything like Itachi can?"

Mikoto gently rubbed some soothing balm on Sasuke's palms before wrapping them up with mummy skin. She looked Sasuke in the eye and smiled, her eyes shining with a strange emotion called empathy.

"It's because Sasuke and Itachi are two different people." She smiled and continued to look at him to make sure that he understood. Then it clicked and Sasuke's circling thoughts straightened out to some consecutive order and logical answer. Sasuke's baby face brightened with understanding and Mikoto grinned. "And Itachi is older, he's had time to learn lots of stuff that you still have to learn, Sasuke." He frowned at this realization. "Don't worry though, Sasuke. You still have lots of time to catch up to your big brother."