A/N: As you can tell by the title this story pertains to Castiel getting his grace back. I have not written a story in First Person and wanted to try my hand at it. Some say that a writer's mood can show in their story. I wanted to tell my thoughts on how I thought Castiel was feeling during this time. I hope you enjoy and please leave me a review.
GRACE
The pain hit suddenly, bringing me to my knees. What had he done to me, I'm so close, I must find it. I don't know if I can stand anymore pain, my borrowed grace is almost run out. I tremble in such agony, but I can't give up. A human taught me that, one whom I deem my closest friend, family even. That is, if an angel can call a human family.
Looking at the crumbled clue one more time, I realize its meaning and pull myself over to the bookshelf beside me looking for that one book, that book that holds my redemption in it and will make me whole again. My fingers touch the spine, yes; I can feel it now within my grasp. It's calling out to me...Singing my name...Wanting so much to be reunited... But do I really deserve it?
I was a good soldier, a good leader to my garrison. I followed the rules, I followed orders, I did as I was told, no questions asked. For thousands of years I was a good little angel. Then I was given the order to find Dean Winchester and rescue him. I went into the bowels of Hell to free him from his torture, but alas I was too late. The first seal was broken and damnation of the earth began.
This human was not what I expected of the Righteous Man. He was belligerent, strong willed, stubborn, combative, hot tempered, testy, surly and at the same time he was honest, loyal, protective, especially of his younger brother, devoted, kind, gentle, fearless and compassionate. At first I didn't understand him and his actions, but the more I was around him, the more I began to see things through his eyes.
I began to doubt the orders I was given. I began to actually see the things around me for what they truly were. I went against Heaven and my family to help this one man on his quest. I saw the world through his eyes and saw how narrow minded I had been. I watched the world fall apart and much to my regret, without knowing the whole true, with one flick of a finger, I helped open the cage and raised Lucifer from Hell.
I am not proud of some of my actions; I was deceitful, lied, killed for what I thought was the right thing, but what turned out to be the worse action I could of done. I killed my own family because I thought it was the right thing to do. I felt like a god, I had all the power of all those souls at my fingertips and I misused it, I judged and killed humans whom I deemed sinners, unworthy.
I thought my penitence was being cast into Purgatory to atone for my actions. My only regret was that Dean Winchester was pulled in with me. I tried to stay away from him considering I was be hunted by every creature in the place. I tried to stay away to keep him safe, but he found me and insisted that I accompany him to the portal to escape. I didn't tell him I was not going with him; I thought I should be punished for all I had done. I will never forget the look on his face when I pushed his hand away and told him I wasn't coming.
Even with all the mistakes I made, he still believed in me. Even after deceiving him, he remained my friend. He mourned my death more times than I want to count, but for some reason I was brought back, I was given a second chance to make things right. Yet again, I was used as a pawn for someone else's goals. I tried to fight it, but they were too strong. Only the Word of the Lord broke their hold on me, allowing me to see things for what they really were. I tried to protect the Word like I thought God would want, but couldn't even do that right.
My worse mistake was trusting one of my own. I thought I was helping to restore order in Heaven, but I was tricked and my grace was used to destroy Heaven instead. All my brothers and sisters were banished from Heaven in one fatal blow. They were plunged to Earth, some dying along the way, most crashing to Earth disoriented and alone. Some of the stronger banded together to take over and rule according to their wishes, while others just wanted to blend in and be left alone. Angels fought angels, tortured, killed all for their own agenda. It was a blood bath for the angels with humans getting in the way.
I was returned to Earth a human. Humans, with all the needs and emotions and feelings that they have. I was lost in a world full of chaos and unrest. I was useless to help anyone, not even myself. I had never felt so many emotions racing through my mind as I tried to process all that had happened. I was a wanted man, hunted by angels for my part in the destruction of Heaven. Human emotions are a hard thing to understand, I do not know how humans do it. I was like a child in a man's body. I had no money, no home, no job, no way to take care of myself, but there he was still standing beside me. No one else I have ever known has stood by me the way this man has. I do not deserve his friendship, but yet he gives it freely.
I did the unspeakable and stole another angel's grace, restoring some of my powers. I could tell it wasn't as it should be; this was a foreign grace that barely kept me alive. I knew it wouldn't last long, especially if I used my powers. I was burning out and would be no more. This time I didn't think there would be any returning to this life, human or angel.
I opened the book with my trembling hands gazing upon my grace once again. A surge of hope pasted through me as I tried to ignore whatever spell the traitor preformed. I paused with my grace in my hand as doubt pushed its way into my mind. Did I really deserve this? Why should I be one of the lucky ones to live? Should I just let myself expire and end this?
I pushed those thoughts away and raked my fingers across the stopper releasing my grace so I could absorb it, putting it back where it belonged. The power of angels coursed through my entire body as I felt my pain leave me and my strength, my essence being restored. I took a deep breath finally feeling whole again. Its power exploded around me sending papers and books across the room. I slowly begin to stand, letting my injured wings painfully unfold behind me. I felt each individual feather that drifted to the floor when I tried to move them. The nerve endings tingled uncomfortably as I stood my full height willing my grace to help heal them. It would take time for them to return to their true form and I could use them. I curled them protectively to my sides as I tried to allow my vessel to adjust once again to my true grace.
The words the traitor said still rolled around in my mind. What am I anymore? I'm not an Angel of the Lord that was long gone. Should I continue to clean up Heaven's messes, deal with the rouge angels? I had no idea how many more were left here on earth. Was he right? What am I to do now? Heaven didn't really need me, it was actually running smoothly now. What was my mission now? Do I remain on Earth? Would the Winchesters welcome me back? I was beginning to have doubts now; did I make the right decision in taking back my grace? At least now I might be able to help Dean in some way with his problem with the Mark. Would he treat me different now? Would Sam? I did let the traitor escape, that is on me. I have to try and find him and stop whatever evil plan he is cooking up. It is my duty; at least I feel it is.
In a way, I feel awkward and self-conscious again. I'm not sure how to act around anyone. I still needed to heal and continue adjusting to my own grace being back in this vessel. One thing I learned from Dean Winchester was don't give up. I had to believe in myself, that I will find a new mission for my life.
Charlie is a strange one, but friendly. She seems to have accepted me easily, even when I told her I couldn't cure Dean, though I so wish I could. Sam thinks I did the right thing; he seemed sincere when he told me he was glad I was back. Even Dean really seemed glad I was me again. I guess I will have to see what fate throws at me this time and meet it head on.
The End