I don't mind waiting for him. What I can't stand is the mundane ritual that always happens when I do. First, my foot gets cold, even though it's a summer night. It's as if my mind has told it to detach itself from the rest of my body. Just like the way he detached from us in the beginning, back when the days seemed too long for any of us to live through, but especially for him.
Then the pins and needles start to jab at every direction, at times it seems that they're from the inside, as if I'm torturing myself. No doubt that he did the same, he probably still punishes himself for what has happened. As if he could put the blame on himself. If it was anyone's fault, it was the Yeerks'. But I think, or at least I hope, that he has stopped all of that now. Those first few weeks had me worried though; I would find myself wondering if he was going to be there when I came to visit.
The numbness comes next and I wonder how much longer it will be until it's all over and I feel nothing. I'm certain that is what he went through. He has to now know that he has me, he has all of us and that soon, we'll fix everything and that all will be better. He just has to look past it and see the future we're trying to give him, that's all.
Pain. Although it's a short burst of it, it tears through my foot as if it doesn't even exist. I bear with it though, in hopes that I can understand just what he's going through, even if only for a little while. He's suffered, still is suffering, so much, that it doesn't shock me anymore that he never jokes as much as he used to. I just hope that the pain hasn't swallowed him whole.
At home or at school the next thing that happens, the next thing you feel is nothing. You even begin to question that you had a foot until you see it. I wonder if that is what he thinks about his life, if he even thinks that he was a human, once. But that doesn't happen when I wait for him, he always comes by and saves me.
I never tell him about the tradition, the ritual, that I allow myself to let this happen every time, he would think it foolish and ask why.
Maybe someday I'll tell him, I'll tell him that I do it to become closer to him, to understand what has happened, what's still happening.
But most of all, I do it because I love him.