WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!!
WARNING 2: This is very very Cupcake UNFRIENDLY. And contains cursing. You were warned
Song is "Smile" by Lily Allen. Trust me, you need to listen to it. Check it out on youtube
Stephanie's Gets Her Revenge
Stephanie couldn't believe it. Yeah, she had had her suspicions before, but seeing it in person, with her very own eyes, had left her stunned. It had all begun with a very messy takedown. She had been tossed into the dumpster behind Charlie Chan's Chinese Buffet and had to take the skip to the TPD covered in Egg Foo Yong and Chinese noodles. The teasing and ribbing from her cop "friends" had made things worse and on the way back to her apartment to shower and change, she was plotting the demise of all involved.
After cleaning up, shampooing and scrubbing half a dozen times to get the duck sauce out of her hair, she changed into jeans and a tee shirt and shuttled off to Morelli's house. All she wanted was a shoulder to lean on and a quiet evening of meatball subs and the Rangers game. That's what she was planning on.
But that's not what Stephanie got.
Upon entering Morelli's house, she felt immediately that something was off. Her spidey sense was off the charts and something told her to check upstairs. Quietly, she climbed the stairs. Halfway up, she heard a sound that made her blood run cold. Moaning. A woman moaning. In pleasure. Stephanie stopped in her tracks, her heart pounding. Taking deep, calming breaths, she tried to come up with a million different reasons why she would be hearing that sound coming from her boyfriend's bedroom. He was watching a porno. He had injured his "boys" and not only was his voice higher, but he would be moaning in pain. He thought it would be fun to be a ventriloquist. Yeah, denial was always her friend.
Stephanie heard the sound again, this time accompanied by a man's low groan. The groan she recognized. It was Morelli. Her denial was quickly making tracks for the front door and as she slowly made her way up the remaining stairs, she realized that her greatest fear was about to be revealed. Another man had cheated on her. No amount of denial would be able to save her from that reality.
Blinking back tears, she crossed the hallway and stopped at the open door to Morelli's bedroom. And her world ceased to exist.
There he was, in all his glory, fucking Terry Gilman from behind as if his life depended on it. The silicon breasted blonde bitch was moaning and groaning like a stuck pig and Stephanie had a flashback of Dickie on the dining room table with Joyce. She stood there staring in shock and horror. It was like a train wreck. She couldn't seem to look away.
Terry's scream of pleasure tore Stephanie from her stupor and she blindly backed further into the hallway, turning away from the scene. Barely breathing, she somehow made her way down the stairs and out the door, desperate to get away from the sounds and sights that were permanently etched in her brain.
She got back to her apartment, not really knowing how. Standing in the middle of her living room, she stared into space, unable to comprehend what she had just witnessed. It was a long time before she could move, and she finally pulled out her cell phone, dialing Mary Lou.
"I need ice cream," she choked out at her best friend's greeting. "And liquor. Lots and lots of liquor."
Mary Lou, hearing the urgency in her friend's voice, was quick to reply. "I'll be right there."
It wasn't ten minutes later that Mary Lou walked in, followed by Connie and Lula, all of them carrying plastic grocery bags. It was only after a few shots of Jose Cuervo and a pint of Ben and Jerry's that Stephanie was able to tell them what she had witnessed. And then she dissolved into tears.
Her friends exchanged angry glances before their expressions changed to what could only be described as an unholy glee.
Oh yeah. It was time to pay the son of a bitch back.
When you first left me I
was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what
cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I
didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat
by myself all day
They allowed Steph a few more shots and another pint of ice cream before they laid out their plan. By the end of the evening, they were completely wasted and Operation Fuck Morelli Up The Ass was in place. By the time she passed out, Stephanie's tears were dried up and she was ready to show the son of a bitch that his biggest mistake was to fuck with Stephanie Plum.
The following afternoon, after a McDonald's run, the women put their plan into motion. And the funny thing was, they didn't have to do anything. Morelli did it for them by calling.
"Hey Cupcake." His voice was husky and Stephanie knew what was coming next. "Why don't you come over tonight? The boys miss you."
Stephanie fought the urge to heave her French fries and forced on a cheery voice. "Sounds great, Joe. I'll be there at six."
When she hung up, she turned to smile at the evil grins plastered on her friends' faces. Oh yeah. It would be too easy.
I was so lost back then
But
with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel
at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can
have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're
feeling alone
Stephanie got to Morelli's house at six on the dot. She carried an overnight bag with her and she noticed the glint in his eyes when he noticed it in her hands. She managed to avoid his hug and kiss, twisting past him to get to the Pino's box on the coffee table. They sat in silence, eating and watching ESPN, until Morelli excused himself to take a shower before they went to bed. Wrinkling her nose, she pushed the image of him washing his Terry cooties away and waiting instead for the sound of the bathroom door closing upstairs. Once the coast was clear, she set Operation Fuck Morelli Up The Ass in progress.
Slipping quietly up the stairs with her overnight bag in hand, she made a beeline for his bedroom. Pulling back his sheets, she opened her bag and slipped on the latex gloves from her pocket. She listened for the sound of the shower coming on before she removed the large piece of fiberglass insulation from the bag. Working quickly, she rubbed the insulation hard all over his sheets and pillowcases. Pulling the covers back up, she moved to his dresser, rubbing each pair of his underwear against the insulation. Grinning at the pain he would no doubt be feeling very soon, she dropped the last pair in the drawer and pushed it closed. She had gotten through his undershirts by the time she heard the shower turn off.
With a quick glance to make sure everything was as she left it, she shoved the insulation back in her bag, dropping the gloves on top. Zipping it up, she grabbed it and tiptoed down the stairs. She was back in her original spot on the sofa when Morelli came back down the stairs.
He made a move to kiss her, but again, she managed to avoid it.
"My turn," she sang, grabbing the bag and heading toward the stairs. "I won't be long."
Once in the bathroom, she set her bag on the toilet seat, opening the side pocket. Pulling out the super sized bottle of Nair, she proceeded to pour his shampoo and shower gel down the drain, refilling the bottles with the hair remover. Shoving the empty Nair bottle back into her bag, she washed her hands and made sure everything was as it should be. She couldn't help but grin at her reflection in the mirror as she pulled out her cell phone and sent the 911 text message to Lula.
A minute later, the phone rang.
"You do it, girl?"
"Yeah, Lula, I can help you," Stephanie said loudly, grabbing her bag and heading back down the stairs. "Just let me tell Joe and then I'll meet you there."
Morelli looked up from the sofa and watched her come into the room. Stephanie forced an apologetic smile on her face.
"Sorry, Joe. Lula needs my help with a takedown. The boys will have to take a rain check."
Lula snorted on the other end of the phone and Stephanie fought the urge to laugh. "Yeah, Lula. Ten minutes."
She hung up the phone and shrugged at the frustrated look on Morelli's face. "Sorry, Joe. I'll see you later."
Before he could say a word, she was out the door, chuckling to herself on the way to her car.
At first when I see you
cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I
feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile
The following morning, Stephanie headed for the RangeMan office on her way to pick up a skip. She had a lot of copies to make, and she didn't want anybody at Kinko's to see them.
She sailed into the control room, a huge smile on her face. Ranger looked up from a monitor he was watching and his eyebrow went up in question.
"Just need to use your copy machine," she sang, walking right past him. "It won't take long, I promise."
"What are you up to, Babe?" He asked, following her into the corner of the room. He watched as she started copying the piece of paper in her hands and reached out to grab one of the copies as it came out of the machine. His eyes widened and a huge grin lit up his face as he read it.
"Babe, this is a joke, right?"
"Yeah, but nobody else will know that," she said cheerfully, trying hard not to burst out laughing. Ranger just shook his head and kissed the top of hers.
"You never disappoint. Let me know if you need any help. I'll gladly loan you a few of my men for this."
Five minutes later, Stephanie had a stack of copies in her hand. She grinned as she read the top sheet. It had Morelli's picture on the top- his mug shot from when he was her first FTA, no less- and underneath was a fake health department lab report. Herpes: Tested Positive. Genital Warts: Tested Positive. Low Sperm Count. Rash in the anus and on the penis, caused by an allergy to latex condoms. She snorted at the last one. Morelli had to be itching like crazy by now. And everybody would see him. And once they saw the fliers, they would believe them. The idea made her laugh.
Whenever you see me you say
that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it
don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help
myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell
I was so lost back then
But
with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel
at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can
have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're
feeling alone
At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me
smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but
then I just smile I go ahead and smile
With Lula and Mary Lou's help, Stephanie got all 500 copies posted around the Burg and Stark Street. It only took an hour, and by the time they were done, all three of them had already received at least a dozen calls a piece about Morelli and his "sex part problems". They laughed the entire trip to Mary Lou's house to drop her off, and then Stephanie and Lula made a stop at Mooner's house to take him in to reschedule. It was Providence that he was Stephanie's only FTA for the day. They could be at the TPD in record time to witness Morelli's pain and suffering.
Even Lula went inside the station, her desire to see Morelli stronger than her fear of cops. As they led Mooner to the "cop in a cage", they could see Costanza and Gazzara standing with Big Dog, all three of them holding fliers and laughing uncontrollably.
"Hey, Steph!" Big Dog shouted, holding up the flyer. "I hope you got yourself checked out."
She held up her hands and grinned. "Clean bill of health. Thanks for the concern, Big Guy."
Eddie walked over to her and held out the flier. "I don't suppose you know where this came from?"
She put the most innocent look on her face she could conjure up and smiled sweetly. "Why, Eddie, I don't know what you mean."
He shook his head and grinned. "I don't know what he did, but you sure got him good."
"Where is HerpeMan, anyway?" Lula asked loudly, cocking an eyebrow. "I haven't seen him lately."
At that moment, Stephanie felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. A second later, a warm hand settled in the same spot.
"Up to no good, Babe?"
Stephanie smiled up at him. "Just you wait, Ranger Manoso. The best part is yet to come."
He grinned down at her, his eyes darkening slightly. The sound of laughter sounded and they all looked up to see Morelli walk into the room. Even Stephanie gasped at the sight of him. It was better than her wildest dreams.
He was completely hairless. Bald head. No eyebrows. His arms were bare and smooth. His face looked baby soft and he seemed to be missing a few eyelashes as well. But that wasn't even the best part. He was scratching himself furiously, evil red welts appearing wherever his nails touched. He looked miserable. And when he looked up and saw Stephanie standing with Ranger, he looked even worse.
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala
At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile,
yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but
then I just smile I go ahead and
smile
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
"Cupcake, do you know anything about this?" Morelli growled, scratching with a vengeance.
Stephanie smiled sweetly. "I have no idea what's going on, Joe. But maybe Terry does. Have you asked her?"
Lula burst out laughing and Ranger squeezed her neck slightly as anger and guilt passed across the cop's face. Reaching into her pocket, she moved out of Ranger's warm grasp and took a few steps toward Morelli. Pulling his house key out of her pocket, she held it up for him to see before throwing it at him.
"Give it to your whore, Joe. I'm done." She was about to turn around, but stopped and smirked at him. "That is if she'll come near you. I hear you're quite contagious."
With that, she did turn around, grabbing her body receipt from the "cop in a cage". She turned to give Morelli a finger wave before walking out the door, a huge smile on her face, the sound of laughter following her out to the parking lot.
At first when I see you
cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I
feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile