Toppens a Bag Sunday, June, 20th.

BPOV

I couldn't breathe, I was gasping for breath. Trying to find it anywhere that I could.

I. Was. Hysterically. Laughing.

"Godamnit….son of a bitch!"

I was spending the day at the local park with my best friend and her five year old son-my godson-Elijah watching him (well more like me and Angela were competing for who could jump the furthest off of the swing set) climb up the same slide countless times, until a little girl with brown Curly Sue ponytails collided with him just as she was sliding down, which is what explains the foul language.

"Elijah Moore! What did I tell you about talking like that?"

"But that's what Disney said the udder day when the old lady with the spider on'er head hit'er in the ass wit'er cart."

I winced as soon as the blabber mouth spoke. I love my godson but, sheesh, that kid couldn't keep a secret if his mouth was sealed shut. You know, like what Beetlejuice did to Gina Davis' mouth in the movie?

Now let's wait for the wrath of Angela, shall we?

"Bella…" Aha, here we go!

After wiping my eyes, and finally taking my first real gulp of air in minutes, I could talk, "Hey, don't look at me like that! You didn't see the monstrosity that she called a 'do!' It looked like something from the…oh what's that channel? National Geographic?"

"That doesn't matter Belles, you know how Elijah is! He's at the age where they repeat anything, he's a sponge…" Angela started to reprimand in that motherly tone that should only be directed for her five year old, yet somehow was used more towards me.

"Or is it Animal Planet…"

"Bella!"

"You know what channel is good though? VH1! "You wanna take a chance at love wit'cha boy?!"

"ISABELLA SWAN!"

Whoops, she was talking about something wasn't she? Oh yeah, bad Bella, no more cursing Bella, blah blah blah Bella.

Looking at her, I nodded that I was listening. (partly)

"Language. Watch it," Angela pointed at me, then turned her nimble finger to blab himself, " Elijah, don't repeat Disney, she says things that even grown ups shouldn't"

"'Kay mommy," and off he was to the swings. 'Hey that's the one I was using…oh well, I went to sit with Angela on the bench where some old lady in a purple dress, and grey running shoes was feeding the ducks. I started humming 'Toppens a bag' from Mary Poppins as Angela shook with silent laughter beside me.

Yup, that's pretty much how my life is. My dysfunctional, out of the ordinary, never a dull moment life.

I lived in Seattle in a quaint little apartment near downtown, ten minutes from my best friend Angela. You know Miss Nimby Fingers herself and the love of my life. No, not Dwayne Johnson but, the most gorgeous sandy blond haired, hazel eyed boy that ever lived-Angie's son.

My parents recently got into that age all old people do when they migrate to the south. You know, "I'm fifty, all this rain and cold isn't good on my hip." So they were now living in their condo on the edge of South Beach, Miami itself.

I missed them, sure but, it's not like we were a tight knit family.

I was 'weird' in my parents eyes. Where-as they loved filet mignon, I was fine with a number five, and a large coke. They called it sage, I said it looked like swamp green. They were always "doing devine," and I was "eh."

I liked to think of myself as artistically different. No I didn't draw, or paint…actually I can't even draw the stick guy for hangman that well. But, it sounds better than out there, coo-coo, and the dreaded word itself -different.

I worked as a teachers assistant at Candy Cane Daycare and Learning Center, along with being a medical receptionist, shampoo girl, and occasionally but very rarely dog walker.

Depends on the day.

It seems like a lot but, it's not like I have much else to do, that's why instead of a full-time job, I worked for a temp-agency, besides, other than watching Elijah while Angela was at work, my life consisted of just me and my Sugar Glider, Sweet-N-Low.

I didn't have a boyfriend, or a 'booty call' I didn't even have a guy that worked at the local bookstore that I went to everyday, just so I could see him through the bookshelf crack while he checked people out at the counter.

The last time I had anything resembling a relationship was three years ago and that didn't end so well.

His name was Miguel, he didn't speak that great of English but we worked thru it and I thought we had a good thing going. I learned how to ask where the bathroom was in Spanish, and he found out what chicken fried steak was. We even, dare I say, fell in love, that was until Miguel met Rosa and he left me to start a telemundo life with her.

I was hurt, I cried every time I seen a burrito, and slept with my empty bottle of tequilla for a month, then that's when Angie slapped me, took me out to a gay bar, and gave me the 'All Men Are Assholes' speech. While all the other fabulous heartbroken 'bitches' cheered on in agreement.

After that, I kept men at a twenty foot radius and revolved my life around the five year old king in my world, and working on my lifelong dream-writing children's books!

I haven't published any yet but, Elijah seems to like 'em just fine!

Curious about how Angie and Elijah fit into my life?

Let's start with me and Angela Weber herself. We met when I moved to Forks, Washington during my junior year of high school. I was the newbie that no one wanted to know; just stare and point at, and Angie was the sweet girl who showed me where the office was after I'd walked by the same lockers eight times trying to find it. After that, we were best friends. We had a pretty good high school experience except when during her senior year Ang got knocked up by Scott Moore.

Who's Scott? He was the most popular guy in school. You know the one; has the perfect everything, and birds chirp at his window in the morning.

Angie fell in love with him the first time he asked her to move her book bag off of his foot when they were seated beside each other in biology. But me and Angie were the bookworms, the ones who didn't feel the need to try pot and get drunk off of daddy's scotch while their parents were out for the evening, which made us 'like so not cool' so when we decided sneaking out of her bedroom window and going to his house for a party, was a good idea, that's when our lives took that dive. Not into the six foot zone but more like the twelve, Olympic foot one.

Scott seen us show up, gave me a nod, and Angie that smile. She melted, went to his room to talk, I stayed on the stairs with the same stale beer, she came down three hours later glowing, the next day at school, he didn't even talk to her. Four weeks later, Angie missed her period, and that's when her parents sent her to live with her Grandmother in Seattle. Nine months later, just pass Angela's eighteenth birthday, the perfect angel was born.

Scotts parents tried to pay off Angie to leave them alone, And he's came around a handful of times to see Lij but mostly Angie's done it all on her own. Happily.

I was there for her thru it all; against my parents wishes. And on the last day of high school, I called Scott a worthless piece of shit, spit in his face, said he had a dick smaller then Elijah's two month old one, and moved to Seattle with all the money I'd saved from working at the little boutique in town.

I've been here ever since and I can actually say, I love it.

I'm content with life. But after being around Angela , who now had her boyfriend, Ben, who'd accepted Lij whole heartedly, and seeing the love that they all have for each other, I sometimes lay in bed thinking of how much I want that too. Especially, to be a mother. But that consists of a man…or at least his sperm. And even though I know you can go and buy it with a credit card, I'd like the whole, woman gets pregnant, woman tells her husband, husband cheers, they paint the nursery, and buy a puppy named Spot.

But, it's hard to meet a guy who meets the qualities that I want.

I want someone who watches Family Guy, and gets the jokes, who will watch marathons of I Love Lucy with me, who knows how to shake his bon bon, who loves Taco Bell as much as I do, who will finger paint with me and Lij, who doesn't think my clumsiness is annoying but awkwardly adorable. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

"Disney! C'mon, push me, pleaassee," Elijah begged while pulling on my pant leg. Oh well, future baby daddy thoughts will have to wait, because I got swinging duty now.