AN: I'm not entirely sure what this is but hey. Also there is a small mention of suicide here.
TABOO
They never speak of her. Not once was her name mentioned after what happened. They think of her often enough. To everyone of them she is their own little secret. One of their biggest regrets.
But to say the word. (Elle) As a group they flinch at the thought.
Hotch remembers cleaning the blood of her wall.|
JJ remembers a friend she somehow overlooked.
Gideon remembers a strong woman.
Reid remembers a time he failed to realize a plea for help.
Morgan remembers not being there.
And Garcia, she remembers a sister. A bold and relentless part of her family who was left on her own. Garcia is constantly reminded that she sees the good, but she also sees the bad. The mistakes that her team has covered up, and pretended to forget. But she can't wage this war by herself.
One day Seaver brings her up. To her Elle is just a legend, or perhaps a warning. An unfortunate incident when a team pushed one person to far towards the edge.
(No one has warned her that the name is taboo. No one explained that no one asks.)
Reid looks to Morgan. Morgan looks away. Garcia fiddles with her hands. And Hotch stares sternly ahead as if he hasn't heard. Emily is the only one to meet Seaver's gaze, regret in her eyes. She is apologetic to the woman everyone seems to think she has replaced.
(No matter how many times she says she couldn't.)
Emily reaches out to touch Morgan's shoulder.
In over due reply he calls Elle an old friend but he struggles on the word. ("She was a great agent. An old friend.") His brain and body have difficulty with it. It does not describe her fully, or describe her at all anymore.
She was more than that when he knew her. She was part of their team. She had trusted them and they had trusted her. Daily they had each other's lives in their hands. Elle was part of their family.
(That very same one that Seaver was slowly relying on. The one that took Emily years to trust.)
But Elle became so much more after she was gone. She is their skeleton in the closet, the one they're too terrified to speak of. As if acknowledging her would ruin some dynamic. Bring to light how much they failed. How much they were not there, what they thought they did not see.
As a group they cannot bring themselves to face the part they played in the event. The isolation they placed upon her. Reid remembers the night he drank with her. The time she asked for help. That one time she made an effort to break down the walls she had constructed during this job. Reid remembers being offered a chance he never got with Gideon but failing to see it as such.
They speak of Gideon. About his knowledge, and about the advances he made in their very field. The talk of his departure and of his later suicide. The acknowledge him because they acknowledged the signs of his demise.
They can't say the same for Elle.
Later they will remember Emily, Jordan and even Seaver. They will accept the part they played in their lives as both a group and as different people.
They cannot say the same for Elle