A/N: Oh my God. 1263 words of pure bullshit. I swear, I cannot fucking write Eridan. I just can't. Why did I think this was a good idea?
Anyway, this is a gift for my big sister. I got this idea while eating a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese (because obviously I get the most random ideas at the weirdest times) and I'm like "Wait... I hate Eridan." But then I'm like "Oh, wait, I know someone who doesn't~" and then I asked her what her Eridan OTP was and then this and yeah.
I don't own anything. Really. If I owned MSPA, I'd sue myself for this. I am so fucking sorry. I should just stick with porn... Please, try to enjoy. I've been extra self-kismesis-y lately, so hopefully it's not as bad as I think. Also, I have the headcanon that kismessitude is actually really sweet, in its own way, so that's why they're not all "I HATE YOU LET'S MAKE OUT AND I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS MOTHERFUCKER" and then "OBBY TAKE ME NOW" or whatever.
Pour ma soeur.
"Evveryone fuckin' hates me," Eridan grumbled, kicking over a small trash can. Now, this in and of itself was nothing new. Everyone was pretty used to the hipster's overdramatic displays, and pretty annoyed by it as well. This may be why Karkat reacted the way he did. Actually, from the way he said "I'm so fucking sick and tired of your bullshit!" it most likely was. However, we'll get to that in a moment.
You see, children, there was one thing that was truly different. This time, Eridan didn't want attention. He didn't want anyone to try to confirm or deny the things he was saying. He was only speaking to himself, murmuring his discontent as a way of venting, because Gog knows that nobody would fucking listen to him vent. Truth be told, he'd had a pretty rough, well, life. Feferi, after sweeps of fabulous moiraillegiance, told him to glub off right when he was about to ask if she wanted to take it to the next level. She couldn't stand him. Nobody would even talk to him without someone making a huge fuss about how he was being inappropriate or desperate or just an insufferable prick. Even Kanaya couldn't put up with him, and that was really saying something, considering how she felt for Vriska. Speaking of Vriska, he couldn't even keep her as a kismesis. The most hateful troll he knew couldn't even hate him!
Needless to say, everything was shit, especially him, and he knew it. Therefore, Karkat's comment (and by "comment" I mean "tirade", of course) was completely unnecessary. It went a little something like this:
The angry troll walked briskly over to Eridan, fists clenched, and with his heaviest glare, began to speak, increasing in volume as his rant continued. "Hate you? HATE you? Who the fuck would hate you? No, you've mistaken hate for don't give a shit. You can't even get fucking FEFERI to put up with your shit, and she has a no lack of fucking tolerance policy. If anyone ever gave a damn enough to actually hate you, I'd be surprised. More than fucking surprised, actually - my Gogdamned thinkpan would explode in a rain of fucking rainbow goop all over the fucking place-" at this point, he began waving his arms through the air in an exaggerated manner; suffice it to say, he pretty much had everyone's attention, but he continued as if he wasn't being watched at all.
"- as if I'd gotten on the wrong side of Kanaya's lipstick. You make everyone fucking sick, you desperate tool. You WISH everyone hated you, but the truth is nobody gives half of a shit enough to do even that. We don't hate you, we just don't care whether you live or die, because you're just not fucking worth an iota of care. It would be wasted on a useless ball of sludge like you. And at least if you're dead we only have to deal with you when we're asleep, and we have the added bonus of replaying whatever grisly demise you might come to over and fucking over, because I know for a fact at least SOMEONE would want to get that shit on tape."
It continued on like that for quite a while, and all Eridan could do was listen and stare and silently agree. His eyes filled with translucent purple liquid, but try as he might, he just couldn't blink it away. Therefore, halfway through the seemingly ceaseless tirade of their fearless leader, Eridan shoved him back. Hard. Now his fists were clenched and he was glaring, but there were also tears dripping down his face and off of his chin slowly.
"You think I don't fuckin' knoww all that, asshole?" he shouted back. "I wwasn't evven fuckin' talkin' to you. I wwas talkin' to MYSELF, because nobody givves a shit enough to fuckin' listen wwhen I need them to! Oh, but wwhat about a moirail? It's just like you SAID. Evven FEF couldn't put up wwith my shit. I. GET. IT." He paused, then plastered on a fake smile. Looking straight into the Cancer's dumbstruck face, he added, "Noww leavve me the fuck alone, or I'll take this as black solicitation."
This managed, somehow, to make everyone roll their eyes, and Feferi muttered "Same old Eridan, I guess..." Everyone went back to whatever they were doing, and he was glad for it. He didn't want anyone to think anything was wrong. He knew they wouldn't care, or do anything past make fun of him for it.
It seemed like there were only two people who weren't fooled. There was Karkat, who looked at the ground and muttered, "...Fuck. Sorry. I didn't... Ugh, fuck this," before walking away.
Then there was the yellowblood who grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the room. Well great. Fucking great. He didn't want to have to deal with the hacker's shit. What was it gonna be this time? Backing up what Karkat said? "Oh by the way, I fucked Feferi"?
Well, whatever he thought (and he certainly went through a lot of scenarios as he was being dragged around the fucking asteroid into the clone lab), he certainly wasn't expecting Sollux to shove him down onto a pile of broken computer parts, sit next to him, grab his hand, and say "KK'th an idiot."
Eridan blinked in confusion, staring at the yellowblood sitting next to him, then at their hands, and then back to his face, which was very, very yellow. "...Wwhat are you talkin' about?" he asked.
Sollux snorted. "I don't want anyone to treat you like that."
"You treat me like that all the time," Eridan pointed out.
"There'th a reathon for that. I don't want anyone ELTHE to treat you like that," Sollux shot back, letting go of the seadweller's hand and crossing his arms.
Eridan paused for a moment, and one could practically see the gears turning in his thinkpan, the steam coming from his ears. Still, to assume is to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me", and he felt he was already a big enough ass to begin with, so he took a deep, quiet breath and asked, "And wwhat's that reason, Sol?"
The yellow on Sollux's cheeks seemed to become far more pronounced, and he looked away before muttering, "KK wath wrong when he thaid that nobody could hate you..."
"O-oh..." was all Eridan could manage to say. "You're... you're black... for me?" Sollux nodded, and the seadweller then repeated his previous "...oh..."
"...Thith ith really awkward," Sollux grumbled. "I'd better go..." He made to get up, but Eridan grabbed his wrist, and he fell onto the hipster's lap, knocking a bit of wind out of the both of them.
"No. Stay... Wwith me."
They both leaned in, their close proximity giving them a good leverage, and their lips brushed together. They were both blushing spectacularly. When they finally pulled away, they both looked at the pile. "...Fuck yourthelf, athfathe."
Eridan smiled ever so slightly. "You're the wworst fuckin' kisser I've evver seen," he said, tracing his claws down Sollux's jaw, leaving scratches that made the yellowblood shiver.
"Like you're any better," the psionic shot back, flicking him on the forehead. "Bethideth, who are you comparing me to? Your Troll Lady Gaga body pillowth?"
They continued to banter back and forth, and through all the insults and he occasional blows which were exchanged, their hands stayed entwined.
And secretly, neither of them could remember being this happy in a long, long time.