"I'm sorry, but your son just died." The nurse with kind eyes and crows feet informed Bella and I. I felt Bella wordlessly sink into my chest. I felt the tears come out of my eyes as I stroked Bella's hair.
Our son had been walking to school earlier that morning and was crossing the road. He had been looking before he crossed the street but right as he walked in the middle and drunk driver sped by at eighty miles and hour and hit him. He was rushed to the same hospital where I worked. The driver sped off and still hadn't turned himself in.
He was placed in the ICU in critical condition; the doctors had said that he had about a fifty-fifty chance of surviving. I wasn't allowed to look at him due to a state law that said that children could not be treated by their parents if they happened to be doctors. Bella, a pediatrician, wasn't allowed to look at him either.
Bella and I hoped that he would make it. We had thought that he would; he had seemed so strong the hour before. I thought that she must have been in some sort of shock as she realized that our wonderful Ethan died in pain and that the show he had just put on was just to make us as parents feel better.
I snapped back into the present when I heard Bella's sobs. I choked back tears myself. "Let's get home Bella. I can't take it here anymore." We both walked to the elevators. She was still curled into my chest. We stopped on the way into the basement. I told my boss that I wouldn't be in for the next week.
He said that he understood.
As we walked into the basement Bella and I were stopped in front of our Volvo. We didn't want to let go of each other to get inside for the tortuous ride home.
We lived about forty five minutes away from the hospital and whenever Bella drove with me the ride was generally filled with talk and laughter and play. That day, it was silent. Well, it was for the first fifteen minutes.
I heard Bella's cries and looked over to her. I pulled over the car. I looked at her with sad eyes. "Why don't you say anything?" She asked with sobs raking through her body.
"Because I'm short on words knowing what's happened. I'm afraid that if I say much I will start crying myself." I didn't look at her at all when I said the words. My voice was quivering. I knew that if I looked into her beautiful, sad eyes that that would set me over the edge.
"So I'm free to bawl my eyes out?" I nodded a 'yes.'
She began crying so hard that I thought that she would burst. I walked out of the car and walked over to the passenger side. I picked Bella up and walked her into the backseat. I sat down next to her.
She curled up into a fetal position and I cradled her in my chest. I began to cry too. "Why! Why did this happen to him?!" Bella screamed. I cried even harder.
"I don't know my love." I gave her the honest truth.
"He even died in pain! He did nothing to deserve this! Nothing! WHY! This isn't fair!"
I cried even more and just stroked Bella's hair more. I couldn't give her an answer. I didn't know it, and I doubted that there was one.
How could there be an answer over something so terrible? I knew at that point that there wasn't . One moment I was teasing my son over his Spongebob Squarepants underwear and then the next he was being escorted to the morgue while an elderly nurse told us of his death.
I then told her the truth. "Love, there is no answer. Our son was ripped from us in the most violent of ways. He died in pain. He didn't want to die." I took a second so that I could take a breath. I was crying so hard that I would have choked if I didn't.
"For crying out loud, Ethan was ten years old! He didn't have his first kiss, he didn't get drunk at a party, he didn't get his drivers license or an acceptance letter to college. He didn't live long enough to take off a girl's bra, praying that either us or the girls parents didn't walk in the door. Our son was forced to leave. There is no answer." I told my wife.
"I hate it when you're right about things like that." She told me as she cried more and clutched onto my shirt. I didn't mind, I just let her ruin my shirt as I cried myself.
We stayed like that in the backseat for at least another hour and half. I would have wrecked that car otherwise.
When we got home an hour later I immediately put Bella to bed as she was already asleep. I went directly to the piano.
I began to write a song. It was sad, but hopeful. It was filled with times of joy, and ultimately sorrows. I wrote it down on a blank piece of sheet music. I heard Bella's cries this time but now it was more of a scream. I rushed to the bedroom, only to find that it was empty. I saw the bathroom door open and the light on and went to there.
I saw Bella curled into the fetal position screaming. I just went to go sit next to her. About an hour later when we both stopped crying Bella put her hair into my lap. I stroked her hair and her cheekbone.
After fifteen minutes of that I said, "Bella, my love, I've got something to show you." I got up first and then helped her up.
We walked into the living room and I sat down on the piano bench. She sat down beside me. I began to play the song that I had written hours before. "It's beautiful," she cried. "What did you name it?" She asked.
"Ethan's Lullaby." I replied. She began to cry, but not in a sad way.
"Are you alright?" I asked her.
"Yes, surprisingly, I am."