A Mistake Never Made
Disclaimer: Severus Snape and Hermione Granger are property of the wonderful, talented JK Rowling. I'm not making any money off this and I don't intend to…just having a wee bit of fun is all.
Summary: Severus thinks back on a mistake he never made.
Rating: R to be on the safe side.
I'm sitting here before the fire in my chambers at Hogwart's. Yes, I'm still teaching here, although the current student body probably has less reason to fear me than students in the past. They say age mellows a person and perhaps I'm proof of that, I haven't even taken any points off Gryffindor for at least a week. Maybe I should rectify that situation tomorrow during double potions with Slytherins and Gryffindors? But somehow the thought doesn't titillate me the way it used to. Gods, I hope it's not mania setting in.
I need to grade the rest of these papers in my lap. It's hard to motivate myself anymore though. Students these days seem to lack the desire to learn and teaching has come to be more of a burden than a pleasure. You're surprised aren't you? After all, I'm indicating that there was indeed a time when Severus Snape enjoyed teaching. Yes. To see a student's eyes light with knowledge when they finally understand the concept given them, to watch them grow into confident young adults on the information you've taught them… Oh yes, I enjoy teaching those who enjoy learning.
Which brings me to her. My thoughts always seem to bring me back to her and that night
It was Harry Potter's seventh and final year at Hogwart's. In fact, it was the day of the Leaving Feast. The great Hall was decked out in crimson and gold after Dumbledore showered Potter and his faithful sidekicks, Weasley and Granger, with and exorbitant amount of points for their parts in Voldemort's recent demise. Yes, mere weeks before the end of term, Potter had his yearly run-in with the Dark Lord and finally triumphed completely. Hmph, perhaps he indeed deserved those points this time around.
But I digress, neither Potter, nor Voldemort are the subject of my musings. Suffice it to say that Voldemort was quite dead by this momentous day and it was Potter's doing.
The main subject of my current contemplations had been sitting across from Potter that evening, looking slightly subdued as people chattered animatedly all around her. With the combination of Voldemort's death and the end of the year, spirits were higher than usual. In fact, it was borderline mass chaos. Yet Hermione Granger sat rather silently in front of her plate, a forced smile on her face.
I only know this because several times that evening I felt as though I were being watched. I never actually caught her looking at me, her eyes were always dutifully glued to her friends when I looked towards her. It did raise my suspicions that the girl should be watching me but I hardly paid them any heed. She was leaving on the morrow and I shouldn't be plagued by her again.
How wrong I was! She has tormented me for the past thirty years. Or rather, I should say her memory has tormented me…but we'll get to that in a moment.
As quickly as possible I made my escape to the dungeons. Once there, I decided it was the perfect time to double-check that the classroom and storeroom were cleaned and locked up. I, too, would be leaving for the summer and things had to be in order.
I was in the storeroom when I heard the classroom door click softly. Instinct propelled me to pull my wand and hold it at the ready as I went to investigate.
I came face to face with her.
I put on the most acidic, most derisive tone I could find and spoke.
"You should be more careful, Miss Granger. Sneaking up on people can be dangerous."
Her face, which had paled at the sight of my wand pulled on her, began to flush. For a moment I enjoyed the disconcerting effect my attitude had on her but I quickly grew exasperated when she didn't speak.
"Miss Granger, I don't recall requesting your presence this evening so I am perfectly willing to accept that you are either lost, or you have something that you deem to be of great importance to discuss with me."
I didn't think it was possible for her to blush any more than she already was, but she did. That, combined with the look of pure terror that was in her eyes, served to alarm me. Not that I let her know that. I simply held still and waited.
Suddenly, with a deep breath the blush receded and the terror was replaced with pure Gryffindor determination. She drew herself up to her full height (which was still several inches below me) and I was then faced with the self-assured young woman I hadn't realized she'd become.
I was a little taken aback, but recovered quickly when she inclined her head towards my office.
"Professor, may we talk?"
Once again I was surprised enough to remain silent as I held open the door for her and gestured her into a seat.
From behind my desk I watched her perch on the edge of the chair with her hands folded demurely in her lap. Her eyes darted around the room and, after a nearly interminable amount of time, landed and locked with mine. With a sharp intake of breath her gaze dropped to her lap.
She cleared her throat.
"Have you—Have you read anything interesting lately?"
I was floored. I let the acid drip back into my voice.
"Miss Granger, you don't honestly expect me to believe you came all the way down here, on a night when you should be up raising hell with your classmates, simply to inquire what piece of literature is currently gracing my bedside table?"
She looked back up at me. Was that a flash of anger?
"No I didn't." she said in a carefully controlled voice. "But I thought it would be a nice way to start a conversation. However, since you seem to think such niceties are trivial then I will get straight to the point. Professor—" She broke off as she looked back down at her hands, which were frantically playing with the cuffs of her robes. With a huff of frustration she plunged on.
"Professor, I think I like you." She hurried on as though wanting to cut off any protestations on my part. "I mean, I'm not so silly as to think I'm in love with you. I hardly know you. But I feel there could be a connection and were we to pursue something outside of a school relationship…" she trailed off, looking lost.
The silence permeated the room as my baffled brain tried to make sense of what she had just said. Finally I answered.
"I am currently reading a book on recent potionmaking developments that is rather unoriginally titled Breakthroughs in Potions."
"What…?" He brows knit together as she tried to discern my meaning.
"You asked me what I was reading." I replied calmly.
Her eyes widened.
"Professor…Severus, you cannot simply ignore this!"
"Yes I can. And you are to address me as Professor."
She looked mutinous.
"You are no longer my teacher and 'Mr. Snape' doesn't suit you."
"Fine, call me Severus. It's not as though we will be spending much time in each other's company after tomorrow.
"But—"
"Miss Granger, surely I don't need to point out the fact that, while we are no longer teacher-and-student, we still have a seven year history as such. To jump into any sort of relationship directly after graduation would be folly."
Hope lit her features.
"Then perhaps…after some time…?"
"No." I said firmly.
Once again I could see frustration gaining the upper hand with her.
"Give me one good reason why not." she demanded.
"You mean besides the twenty-five year age difference and the fact that I'm a former Death Eater?" I spat back at her.
She sighed wearily, sounding older than her years. "Yes. Besides that." She turned pleading. "Severus, you know as well as I do that age isn't important."
"Yes, Miss Granger, it is. For all that you are very mature for your age, we are still not on the same developmental level for the simple fact that you haven't had the same amount of time as I have."
Her eyes widened and glistened with unshed tears.
"Oh. I see." She looked down. "I've been a fool." She touched her forehead in self-exasperation and she tried to blink the tears away. "You just don't want me. Oh, how stupid could I be? I just didn't think. I—" She stood up. "I'll leave now Professor. I'm sorry to have wasted your time."
I stood as well and reached out a hand to still her.
"Miss Granger, Hermione…please understand. It's not that I find you unappealing. Any other man my age would be quite thrilled to have someone with your intelligence and youthful vigor interested in them. But…you understand don't you? It would just be a mistake."
Yes, a mistake. I spent most of my youth making one right after another and I'd be damned if I was going to continue making them.
So damned I was and damned I am.
She had stared at me for several tense seconds before turning and bolting out the door. I sat back down, congratulating myself on successfully averting disaster.
Disaster.
How was I to know she would gradually become the woman of my fantasies? That I would spend the minutes before sleep overtook me playing what-if games in my head about her? That I would come to know her and mayhap even love her, long after she was lost to me.
Over the course of the years, there were several events that I, as a Potions Master, and she, as an up and coming young Auror, were required to attend. Parties, charities, meetings…they were all the same; we interacted out of professional necessity but kept our personal distance.
What I did manage to learn of her intrigued me greatly, although I would be hard pressed to admit it. She was exceptionally bright, a fact I already knew, but her logistical reasoning and deductive skills soon had her marked as one of the more promising among Aurors.
I suppose it was too much to ask that we forget the conversation we had that night. We certainly never spoke of it but there were times when I caught her looking at me with an almost wistful expression.
But I refused to let myself be swayed. We could never be together. After all, she deserved much better than me, right?
It was several years later that she was involved in a rather nasty sting operation that very nearly ended her life. After that, she seemed to lose her enthusiasm for her job and resigned. She then went to put her skills to work as a Gringott's Curse Breaker and a year later announced her engagement to Bill Weasley.
This sent a slight stir through several wizarding social circles as many had expected her to end up with Ron Weasley. I myself had never paid much attention to the speculations of a Ron and Hermione attachment. Knowing both their temperaments I figured such a match would never work. They'd kill each other.
Apparently though, Bill was a perfect match. This many years later they are still together and have succeeded in raising a respectable family. Their third and final child is currently in her fifth year here at Hogwart's with the other two having graduated already.
And all the while I sit here alone, frustrated with the mistakes I've made in my life.
A/N: Did you like this? Hate it? Let me know by reviewing! Also, I'm pondering on writing Hermione's pov. If I do, it will be a separate story with a separate title so be on the lookout for it in the near future. For those of you following my fic 'Search For Salvation' never fear! I have not abandoned it. A fair amount of chapter 6 is written and waiting to be typed and tweaked. I'm hoping to post it in the next couple of weeks, school and work permitting. So, um, like I said…review please! :)